I started this new thread to answer you because I don't want to use ashamed's space. Sorry if this is not the way to do it but I don't know how else to answer you.Maybe you could also tell me how I go about reading your other posts- I did click on your name and it brought up your recent posts, but they include your replies to others, so I don't know your story. Anyway, back to your question about if my separation helped. Let me start by saying DDay was Oct 15/03, I didn't find this site until the end of Feb. so I was on my own in dealing with this. I had always felt that if your spouse cheated on you, that was the end of the marriage- they did not deserve another chance. Funny, a couple of months earlier a friend told us that her son-in-law had cheated on her daughter, but they were back together.I said that if my husband cheated only once and even if he was sorry,our marriage would be over.How ironic that my WH was actually in the midst of his A at that time.I started to get suspicious in Sept, and confronted him once but of course he denied it and got angry at me for even thinking he would ever have an affair, He also said that we never talked or spent time together-true. so for two weeks we did go out -twice to the casino -one was our 31st wedding anniversary ceelebration and to the fair.We made love almost every night for two weeks- I really thought things were going great (I had felt so guilty for accusing him).Then I found 2 pieces of evidence with her name on them and confronted him again.He gave me two unacceptable explanations before he admitted he "tried" to have an affair with her. I left the room and we didn't talk for 6 days. I asked him then if he was ready to tell me the truth. He said he was so ashamed, sorry and that she had "conned" him into thinking she cared about him, but he realized it was a game to her, she had blackmailed him for money so that she wouldn't call me.I really do believe it's over with her.Anyway, stupid, naive me thought it was a one time thing and said I would stay with him and not throw this up in his face. Once again another honeymoon period of 1 week, then the credit card bill came with 2 motel rooms charged. Once again confronted him and was told a little more- he had been "trying" to have this affair for at least 4 months.Apparently she never showed up at the motels so it never got to a PA, but not because he wasn't willing.Now maybe you can understand why I responded to ashamed- I felt like such a fool - my WH the first time told me what I wanted to hear(no A) and then the second time let me assume it was a one time thing- didn't want to hurt me by telling me how involved he really had been.I thought about it for 2 days then told him he had to leave. He had said that he didn't want to lose me, but if it would be easier for me if he left, he would.I hugged him and said I would miss him and he said that he would be there for me if I ever needed anything. Of course I was still angry, but very sad about it, but felt that it had to be done- he cheated and you don't stay married after that.For two weeks I didn't see or talk to him, then he called to take our 2 sons to a movie (Age 14 and 16) He dropped them off and I had hoped he would come in, but he didn't, so later I called to thank him for seeing the boys and we talked for a little while, of course I was crying through most of the conversation and he called me "hun" twice.He asked me if I was going to be okay and I just said "someday" Then no contact for 10 days- he came over and shingled the garage roof but never came in- he drove me crazy.At that point I started to miss him but was so confused- why did I care after what he did to me?or was it that I was lonely? Another week passed and then he called and wanted to talk about finances-after that I asked him if he was relieved to be gone and he broke down and told me he would wake up in the middle of the night and hope it was all a bad dream- he was so sorry for what he did. We agreed to see each other once a week and we did go out to the movies He asked if he could come over for Christmas-he didn't want to spend it alone. So as bad as being separated was, I think it was the best thing after all. It made me realize what I had done wrong in the past and how important it was for me to tell him how I felt instead of pretending nothing happened and I wasn't hurt. He also finally told me how he felt I didn't care about him. What a waste- we both felt each other didn't care, but neither one took the first step to try to fix things, and I also learned that by not talking we both jumped to conclusions that , if we had only bothered to talk, would have found it was not that way at all.

So the separation made us both realize what we did wrong in the past, what we want for the future, and how much we wanted to make this work. At the time I thought "WOW, now things will be the way they should have been"- which is exactly what I found people saying on this site and in SAA- that our marriage can be better than ever. It hasn't been easy and sometimes I wonder if getting back together was the right thing, or if it was too soon, only time will tell.

Comingaround, I thank you for your reply to my question. I will try to answer your comments, but my story is not really complete in my initial posting. It is sort of given in small segments. I initially entered here by accident as I was trying to find information that may help me understand my feelings of despair and extreme disappointment. As I am writing this, I feel a bit reluctant because my W has found my postings and somehow she has been able to identify my username. She feels sadness. I really do not want to say anything that hurts her or demeans her. She has feelings and has been hurt by all that has happened.
The story is that a year and a half ago, she went on vacation with the children to see relatives. I could not go because I was in the middle of major work commitments. I felt it was not fair for them to not go anywhere just because of me. Soon upon arrival there, she reencountered a former friend who had courted her and they initiated an A. I used to call her regularly and one day when I called, she was out with this man. I was very upset because that was not appropriate. She was there for 1.5 months and while she was there she wanted to extend her vacation. There were several things, which I noticed, were not normal for her, but I guess I just denied. On her return, she was very different. Everything I did irritated her. She was crying frequently and was depressed. I was so worried not knowing how to comfort her because the reasons she gave me were constantly changing. She eventually told me she did not love me and that it was a curse for her to be married to someone with a doctorate. She also remarked about my abilities as a man. Needless to say, I felt devastated. All this time, I was clueless what was happening to her.
We had been married 19 years at the time and were sweethearts as teens. During our dating period, she deceived me several times (not physically- but emotional affairs). Each time, she would break that up and return with me. I was going to school at the time and she said that at times when she felt lonely that would happen. By the way, to her those events do not count because, as she puts it, there was not intimacy. In any event, I just accepted her and moved on until we were married. We married while I was going to school. In her home, she was denied an education because her parents believe that a woman should be supported by her husband and they only educated their sons. She was physically and verbally abused as a child and teen by her parents (mostly her mother). I wanted to make her happy and give her that was denied to her. During our marriage, on a couple of occasions, I asked her if she had an idea who she would have married, had she not married me and that man's name was the answer. She was forbidden to date him because he was twice her age and twice divorced.
The recent past, I discovered the A. She said she did not love me anymore. Then, she said all the time she said those things and all the faultfinding was because she wanted me to leave the house without ever finding out the truth. We have three small boys and I never left the house for them and also I did not want to abandon her. She has always been a homemaker (her choice). Early in our marriage I encourage her to get an education and she got an Associates degree and is a few credits away from a BS. She is a beautiful woman with many talents, but she was incredibly hurt by her parents and this experience has hurt us both. We have tried to protect the children from all of this, but there are times when both of us feel very sad and we are temtative around each other. A lot has been lost after this experience. Many people recommend the book "His needs, her needs", but if it was a matter of needs, I had every reason to have stepped out of the marriage boundaries a long time ago, but to me the vows that I made were sacred. I must also give her credit for asking me to stay in the house for the well being of the children. So, we were never separate through this very difficult period. She is seeing a counselor and I hope that helps her deal with some of her issues although I do not know anything about the sessions since when I prompt her, she brushes the question aside.
That is the background. I hope I do not sound bitter or angry or offensive. If I do, please let me know because when she discovered my posts, she felt offended although it was never my intention to do so. I care for her and want the best for her in spite of everything.

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>