My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 12. About 2 years ago, a new young girl of 22 started to work in his office. He was honest with me about how attractive she was and I even met her at an office party back then. A year later, in spring of last year, they began a deep friendship which led to a physical one by July. I knew of my husband's friendship with this girl, who happens to be very promiscuous. I have been telling him all along that he's getting too close and having an emotional affair. Little did I know he was cheating on me, and I found out 3 wks ago after I confronted him. He never even had the guts to confess. Nonetheless, the last year of my life has been a lie. I am a beautiful person in and out and totally devoted to my husband. I am so trusting that I did not even suspect his affair, but looking back it is so obvious. He has stopped contact with this woman, but still cares deeply for her. He still values the friendship they had and spends a lot of time thinking about her. They work together, so they will see each other. He swears to me it will never happen again, but I am so distraught. I am still crying on a daily basis and I can't get over the betrayal. I deserve better but I love my husband so much and I want my marriage to come out of this stronger. I am choosing not to tell my friends or family about this, and I feel so alone. If anyone has any advice or help, I would appreciate it from the bottom of my broken heart.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Stick with us. We will help you through this. Most of us have gone through the same misery. I promise you it will get better, so have some hope.

Read about Plan A here. That is where you start. Also WH needs to have NC with OW. But we will get to that later. First make sure you read Plan A.

Thanks for the support...WH has completely cut all contact with OW. He transferred to another office 2 days after d-day (March 7), and will only be in old office once every 6 to 8 wks for meetings. When I told him I was going to try and forgive him, he was so surprised and sorry at the same time. He has been reminding me daily how sorry and stupid he was for doing it. The affair was more emotional and less sexual. From July 03 to Feb 04 they had sex 9 times, (2x without a condom SICK!!!), but there were dozens of lunches and dinners and daily emails or phone calls. He has been totally honest about exactly what happened. I scrutinized him ruthlessly for every excrutiating detail because I wanted to know exactly what I was forgiving. He showed me every card, every email, and recounted every physical incident in detail as I demanded. He often cried with guilt while recounting things. He still has feelings for OW as a friend, but realizes that he can never see her again. Nonetheless, he is honest with me about his feelings towards her and just wants her to change her ways and find God. I do better some days vs. others and sometimes I get so angry and sad. Other times I am overcome with love for him. I know God has a plan for me and as long as I stay with Him he will see me through this...I just don't want to feel the hurt and anger anymore.

M 7 yrs, together 12 yrs
WH 34
BS 29
no children, A started when I wanted to start trying to conceive (May 03), no success to date (obviously for good reason!)

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: 1withGod ]</small>

Stick with us and keep reading here. You will have to go through the hurt, and it is not pleasant. Read on the home page here the "quick clicks" about restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation. They will really help you.

Just wanted to say I understand. W has had 1 A that I know of and have veen trying for 5 years to forget about. Pretty sure there has been one recently but cant prove it. I just brough that up tp tell you that even though you love him and you forgive him, be prepared for the memories to overwhelm you at times and you wont even know what brought it on. It is hard for both people.If you arent, get in counseling NOW. We didnt the first time around and I really think things would be better now if we had. I do wish you the best of luck and I will add you to my prayer list.

Ouch!

Welcome to MB!

As someone explained what I will be going through when I started posting on MB almost a year ago, the affair is like a disease. It will consume you as it consumed me and the majority of the B's on here.
I wish there was a word that I can say to make your pain go away! Don't push your feelings away. Deal with them as they come. It might be easy to focus on them because you don't have children.

Take into consideration that he is sorry! My H. never really was and never said anything like he was sorry. He called a divorce lawyer! Now the tables are turned! I wrote in a journal a lot! That seemed to help me! Post on here as much as you need to. Cry as much as you need to! Never deny your feelings.

Counseling is needed for you both. I highly suggest that you both go. It will be a long emotional roller coaster and you will need the support!

I feel for you and my prayers are with you!

Good luck and a big cyber hug to you!

Ali

Oh by the way,

Don't worry yet about forgiveness. You need to get your head on straight and sort out your emotions together. I am having a huge issue with forgiveness! I am down right angry still and fighting my will.

Ali

1WG: Forgiveness takes time. It does not happen all at once. Expect to take somewhere between 9 months and 2 years to recover. Read "Survivng an Affair" and "Torn Asunder" together, doing the exercises and discussing your reactions with each other. And, keep praying.

I'm having a breakdown today...I am so angry and disgusted by what my H did. It's been only 3 wks since d-day and when I cry and vent, he scolds me saying that I am rejecting God and straying off my path. Who is he to judge me? Maybe getting my feelings out and coping with the pain that he inflicted on me is my way of being with God! I know I am with God because I swear if I wasn't I would have ended this life 3 wks ago. I hate my H today. I hate what he did to our life, his complete disregard for 12 years. When I met him I was an 18 yr old pure-as-pure-can-be virgin. I gave up so much for him. I married him despite my parents' disapproval because we are from different cultures. In turn, my parents disowned me. I gave him everything I could possibly give! How dare he judge me for the way I am coping!!! We took the emotional needs test, and apparently he needs me to be a superwoman. I cannot possibly meet his expectations and yet he blew all of mine...

1withGod -

Hang on honey, its gonna be a rough ride. When WS's first get back to the marriage, they are still in the fog, and it lasts for awhile.

My WH who is still with the OW had the nerve to ask me if I am praying for reconciliation. I told him I was, and he said he was too. However he is still with OW. He sees no problem with it, even though he has been thrown out of our church.

So you will have lots of ups and downs. Your WH cannot admit his part in this right now, but he will.

He is trying to ease his mind and turn the guilt onto you! I would never end my life over any man though. He is not worth it!
Tell him next time that if is going to bring God into this, that he better be begging forgiveness from him and that he better be communitcating to you that he is scared that God will send him to Hell.

Try to walk away from those comments. If you can just try to see that he is a doofuss, it will make it a little easier. I took me a long time to figure that one out!

Did you start to research some counseling for yourself? And what about MC? I love having a therapist. I have learned so much about myself. And I learned what I need in a marriage. You know, with all the headaches before the A. I am the one that should have had the A. It was me that was emotionally bankrupt. Not him! But like you, I was faithful all the way.

You keep on venting and posting. It also helps.
As hard as it is, take one day at time and keep yourself busy with hobbies or workout! If I did not workout, man I would be beside myself to this day!

Ali

Believer,

That is odd that your congregation or any in that manner, exciled your H. from your church. I always thought you can go to church and not be judged by any of us? Isn't God the one who is supposed to do the judging? That is my belief. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Not saying you are having fault in this or have anything to do with this matter. But I would be embarrassed to show my face in church were they knew I was having an affair and didn't care about it! But apparently, your H. doesn't seem to mind. G'eees! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ali

1

3 weeks is a very short amount of time to deal with the trauma you are experiencing.

Please get and read as many books on infidelity that you can. It will help you understand what you are going through and what to expect.

Take care.

Ali - My H was asked not to come to church until he talks to one of the pastors. We belong to a conservative church.

Also he had the nerve to take his OW there. Can you believe it?

Hello,

I read your sad situation, your case is a bit different. I understand why your upset. I would like to explain most of the situations ive seem here. Most of the cheaters dont care about wearing protection (like my wife, she is semi-retarded or somthing). Your husband did atleast think of the downside of sexual intercourse without protection. This may seem like a small detail, but it's more of a consideration that most cheaters think about.

Also your husband came out and explained everything and provided every email/recorded dats of his filthy "A" etc. Most cheaters hide **** so they can gloat to themselves.

Cultures? cultures dont mean crap, it's people themselves. They suck.

You are going to feel bad alot and good some times. Find the comfort in you ARE stronger then your "H", he is the weak.

This is a very religious website, i never talk bad about God, even though im not religious i respect others and their thoughts/beliefs, this is the vise the keeps me sane. Thinking of killing yourself is the easy way out and the wrong way.

I know for a fact that taking our life is not the way, you need to find your own path to victory, never give up, do what feels natural or off your gut feeling. If your angry do what it takes to ease the pain, lash out, demand things, you are in charge of your life, your the leader now.

Nobody can Judge you, friends may think your weak because your still with him, your Husband may think you overreacting etc. but they all have no idea..

You are superwoman!, you took a heck of a shot and your still here and you will be here tomorrow and the day after <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

(edited because of the drink "MGD", for all those who think im being extra nice, sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 12:38 AM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

I will give u a different point of view.
If the girl is very piscimous this it a tell tail sign that what your husband is geting is good sex.
Probaly doing things that he never done with you.
You could find that she even tought him a thing or two. All this said and done. I wont go anywhere as she will bet board with him and he will be left with on one. Look it is hard what you are going trough. But you want him or not, you love him or not. One thing you need at this stage find dose he love u. If so then just make him tell you as much as you want to know. Then try to move on. Some people have dull sex lifes and thay need to be spyced up. If you want to know how just ask the people here.

Thank you all for your loving support. I want to clarify that I would NEVER take my life. It was truly written in the heat of the moment, foolishly to say the least. I realize that life is a gift form God, and whether or not I stay married or move on, life will go on. I took charge yesterday evening and told my H that I'M calling the shots now. I told him that I am working on forgiveness, which will take a long time, but I am also going to decide whether or not I want to stay in our marriage. It was quite a jolt for him. All this time, he never thought I would even consider it. But I told him that I know I am a wonderful devoted wife and I need to decide if HE is worthy of ME. We talked for hours and he told me all of his sorrows and guilt and how he begs God's forgiveness constantly. He also listened to my thoughts very patiently and lovingly and we discussed the emotional needs test in detail. He does have fear that God won't forgive him and now he also has fear that I may leave him. Well, it's about time he has bit of pain...I'm hanging in there thanks to all of you. I'll start looking for MC this week; my H really wants to go as well. He said he would go at any length to not lose me. We'll see... Thank you all and I'll keep you posted.

OWG, Your situation looks promising to me from the fact that your H has admitted to what he's done and is in fact hopeful of a reconciliation. There are a lot of situations where the wayward spouse just doesn't want to reconcile....this is half the battle. In your case, the choice to continue to work on your marriage seems to be on you. Some people don't even get that chance.

Broken Bob, I appreciate your perspective, but that is not really the case. First of all I know EVERY disgusting, dispicable detail of their PA. The A was more emotional than physical, because in 9 months they had sex 9 times. My husband also said it wasn't even very good sex. Because she is so promiscuous, she thinks she's great in bed and he was also expecting her to be, but he was quite disappointed. GOOD! Nonetheless, that does not make the A any less painful for me, but I do know what he did and didn't do with her, and it was pretty boring sex. Nothing kinky or special. He said the only thing that was different was the person. YUCK!!

I just wanted to update all of you wonderful people here. This site has truly been a lifesaver for me and I thank you deeply. My H has been very supportive and I can see he is desperate to not lose me. He told me this morning that we have our first MC appt on Monday and he hopes to God I will join him. He also said that this Friday, he is starting indiv counseling. I know it's a start and I'm thankful to see his willingness to save our marriage. He has been telling me how he cannot believe what he risked for some cheap thrills and that he feels so foolish and sad for how he disappointed God and me. I re-read all of the emails and it gave me comfort to read that over the 9 months, he NEVER told the OW that he wanted to leave me or was unhappy with me in any way. In fact he frequently wrote her how wonderful I was and how he was so lucky to have me as his wife. He also never professed love for her, only stated that he loved her as a friend stating that she got him to see a deeper part of himself and/or find himself. I felt better after going over all of this. I am starting to think we're going to get through this. I feel that one day I can forgive and trust him. I hope he keeps up his end of the deal the second time around. I'll stay in touch! Thanks again!