I found out three weeks ago yesterday that my husband has been having an affair for two years. I was suspicious about it for four months and when I asked him, he would deny it and when finally I admitted to myself that it was true and I told him you know it is true and I know it is true, how can you stand yourself, he confessed. He said she was in it just for the sex and that was all. He said it went on for three months, then he broke it off for a few months and then it started up again, it sounds like it was worst then. He said he didn't love her and he never told her he loved her but I don't know. Then he said after a few months he tried to break it off but she started hinting that she may tell me on him, so he says he kept going back. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Anyway In the fall he says he did break it off and then I started receiving letters saying that my husband was running around on me. Then Xmas card saying I must like to share.
I believe at that time he did want to get out of it without me finding out but it wasn't going to happen. Finally on Valentines Day this year it came in the mail-(cards), he had sent her last year. He had a very hard time to tell me even after all this scared I would leave him. I am still here - hurting like hell. I been asking questions, at first he wouldn't give out much information but now he is telling me just about everything. I thought I would feel better, but I think I am getting worse. Can't understand it all. He says he feels 100% after getting everything off his chest, but he is worried about me. He should have worried about me 2 years ago. He hugs me steady and tells me he loves me but I wonder what I don't know. I have read all the Marriage Builders information and it does help and my husband has been reading it with me. What do you think? Do you think he is being honest with me now?

Suzzy,

It sounds as though he could be "coming clean" but most of the time that is a process...and it takes a little while for all the facts to come out completely. Do not lose heart...this first part of recovery is the absolute most devastating and difficult...but marriages do survive infidelity...I see it every day here. Do you have a good marriage coach and a good recovery plan? Without a good recovery plan...and using extra-ordinary precautions to avoid affairs...it's hard to rebuild a marriage after trust has been destroyed.

Please please...buy a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and both read it. It will help you immensely to understand how you got here...and how to recover your marriage.

Have you asked your husband why he felt "entitled" to having an extra sexual partner? There seems to be a sense of entitlement that surrounds loveless affairs that I find particularly frightening. It was the same with my husband....somehow...he didn't think the rules applied to him.

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

I truly feel for you and I know where you're coming from. I found out on March 7th that my H of 7 years was having a 9 month A with a very promiscuous woman he works with. She was also sleeping with at least 7 other men at the same time and he knew it. He had sex with her 9 times, 2 without a condom which makes me sick! Not only did he disregard my feelings, our vows, our life, but my health too?!!

My H, like yours, did not confess until I confronted him. I question his honesty at times, but I think overall, it does mean a lot to the WH's to "get it off their chests", a form of repentance, so I try and believe him. Still, trust is going to be the hardest thing to regain.

Please stay strong and know that we are all here for you.

M 7 yrs, together 12 yrs
WH 34
BS 29
no kids, A started when I wanted to try and get preg (may 03)

Hang in there. It sounds very promising to me. Start in Plan A. Also print out the emotional needs questionnaire. Try to meet each other's needs. Many people go on to have a much better marriage.