Sorry Ali - maybe that was a little too much info in the last reply of mine. Maybe his accusation has nothing to do with this, but somehow I think it does. I even wonder if he could have been cheating on me then. I have never given him cause to distrust me so why did he think that unless he was doing it??? See where my mind wanders these days. I think I have analyzed our entire married life (14 yrs) these last few months and tried to find anything to explain what is going on. I'm sorry that this brings up such painful memories for you.

Hello...I have been reading your comments and I am indentifying with you sooooo much! I too think that my husband is having an affair. I will not go into all of the reasons why now, but I have found all types of things that point to it, including a bottle of vanilla scented massage oil(unopened, in his car. He has lied to me repeatedly about where I think he has been, including a trip to a gambling casino, that he assured me he had never visited in his life! Our house went into forclosure because he never paid the payments for months, and I never knew until we got a letter from a company who "helps" people in foreclosure. Our accounts have always been separate, and our mortgage does not have my name on it. So, I never opened mail that didn't have my name on it. That was then. Now I do. But sometimes he gets his mail out of the box before I get home, and then tells me he didnt get any that day. Then, I find it in his car, when I look in there for clues. He just keeps denying that anything is going on. His cell phone bills are huge, and there are always calls to this coworker on there, he says are business related
Besides, he says that he doesn't have to have a reason for everything he does, even tho I keep trying to find one. He is in counseling and on meds for depression, altho he hasn't got his scrip filled again, and so has had no meds for about 2 weeks. He says he just doesnt feel anything, that he doesn't love himself and so he cant show love to me right now. I too am going crazy, but am trying to hang in there for our daughter's sakes. I have friends and family who help me alot, but it would be so nice to have someone to talk to who can relate...and give some advice to. Hope to talk to you, and others who might can help out, soon. justinie 97
me 46
h 47
daughter 16( step-daughter)
daughter 6

justinie97 - Sounds like we are in the same boat honey, except you may want to take some emergency steps to protect your financial position. You should not have to literally pay such a high price for what your spouse does wrong. Losing a house with kids involved is not a good situation to be in - I would contact a lawyer immediately to find out if there is anything you can do to protect yourself. Also, get your spouse back on the meds - they may be the real issue. Good Luck!

SG,

How stable was your M before your suspicions? That is interesting that he accused you of an A.
From reading this site and others and including every book that is available on affairs. There are times when the S. is suspicious of an A. they will inturn have one themselves "just to even up the score". I am not sure though that this is your husbands case!
What I am confused about is that there was a letter to the OW that you found, a lot of sneaking around, i.e. hiding statments, changing cells phones etc. Even reluctant to show you statments. I can only put this in one way, all the signs are there. There are men out there that leave no tracks and come home and spoil their wives act like nothing is going on and are having a little on the side as well. Sneaky type. Gather your thoughts together and look at the evidence.

Of course he is going to deny it. Why would he risk loosing a lot to you? Let us say that OW did dump him, you found out, then what? He would have no one! That is in his mind.

Think of the consequences if you did find out a year from now that he did in fact sleep with her?
Don't be silly! Read that letter and ask yourself well if he didn't cheat on me than why did he write this to her! As I mentioned before, there are such things as emotional affairs too! And both PA and EA can be just as devastating. My H. had both! I still feel as if was yesterday! The pain that I am still endeavoring is too much for me to handle. I look at him sometimes with such anger that I just want to slap him and tell him to go back to the OW. But his OW found herself another MM! And I guess now back with her H. How she can live with her self is beyond me?

If you can, go to the book store preferably Barnes and Noble get the book by Dr. Harley Surviving an Affair. If they have a Starbucks, go and get yourself something to drink and relax and read. Then think about what you had presented to MB. You have got to realize and come to some sort of conclusion about this to get help. Because if you don't you can be taken for a really heart break'in ride. It is not fair to your kids either. They will sense that you are uptight about something and all bad things will come out of it!

What I am guessing here is that you are not sure and you don't want to cause waves between your H. and yourself. But you and your kids are the ones who is going to get burned if you don't take the proper protocal??? Seriously, look how it is affecting your job!

Also, it is hard to admitt to yourself that your H. is having an A. Or did! It hurts worse than natural child birth! Been there!

Let me know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali

Ali88 - You seem confused by my last posts and I want to clarify. He accused me over 5 years ago of this and I thought we had resolved it. Like I said, I did everything HE wanted just to prove that I was not having an EA or a PA with a guy from work - and I wasn't. He had access to everything, I let him come to my office, my credit card statements went home, my emails were available, he called me on the phone at all times during the day, and I was always where I said I was. So why then is HE SOooo reluctant to give me what I am asking for (credit card statements) if there is nothing to hide - I did it for him. My point is that I had nothing to hide and I showed him everything to prove it. He is showing me nothing!!!!! The stuff I do have is because I found it on my own. I ordered the old cell phone bills that were not online, I found the email account on my own, I figured out that he had a balance on his credit card by pulling a credit report, and of course I found the letters on my own.

What I was getting at is maybe he is using his OLD suspicions to justify having an affair himself. I proved that I was not having an affair but he says that he felt that I was at the time. Why, I don't know, but he did. NOW he says that he KNOWS I was NOT having an affair. What changed?????

I guess this is just me justifying why I believe he had an affair even though he claims he didn't. He makes me feel like I'm betraying our marriage because I don't believe him so I justify it by thinking of all the reasons that I don't believe him. This is just an example of the jumbled mess my thoughts are.

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: SpouseGuess ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He makes me feel like I'm betraying our marriage because I don't believe him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Typical response to a WS! He is turning it around on you so you look bad! I know been there, done that! And since he is being relunctant about giving you the info then there is something going on. You proved that you weren't having an affair. You were open and honest. You gave him all the info that he asked. You were accounted for when he called. But he?

So do you know that there was/is something going on? Are you convinced? Because I am not sure if you believe that there is something going on.

I think again you need to call the OW. Get it out in the open. Don't believe his lies anymore becasue he is using your vulnerable side to his advantage.

I know this is a hard time for you. But please, look deep into this.

The letter says it all!

Ali

Spouseguess, thanks for the quick response. I did not have the time to tell all of the story, but his parents did get us out of the immediate danger of losing the house. It cost them quite alot to get it out of foreclosure, but we are still in financial straights. He started a new job last April after 29 yrs in the same factory job. He now works selling timeshares in a nearby vacation community. He loves his job, and I think especially the freedom it offers. LOTS of time away from home and most of it is unaccounted for. I can only reach him by his cell, and then it will be a voice mail, that he returns when he can.
He is on straight commission, and so....no sell...no pay. When he went a few weeks with no pay, he did not tell me. And things got worse and worse from there. He does not want to give up this job, or at least not this type of job. and I really don't think he will quit this particular place. I work, and make resonably good money, but it is still very hard, if he goes without pay for any lenght of time.
I know how you feel about the lies. It is hard to believe that our husbands could do be so cold at times. I too, have tried to get him to say what is at the root of his depression, but he says he does not know. He always says there is no other woman involved, but there are always little things that just don't add up.
I will be thinking of you, and praying that both of us can be patient, and quietly watch and investigate for ourselves. If our husbands think we have stopped watching so closely, perhaps they will give themselves away.
Take care, and try not to confront him with anymore suspicions until you know you are ready.
And I will do the same.

Most definitely! Be patient! They will screw up!

But you have to still do a lot of detective work. I still say contact the OW. Watch what will happen. I bet the mistakes will oose out of the walls!
Ali

The problem I now have is that I think it is over. But based on what I read here it could flare up again since he still works with her. So now I guess I just need to wait and see.

He has removed his credit card from his wallet so now I wonder if he has a new one. I still cannot find evidence of a cell phone although I have frantically searched everywhere. I just wonder where this is going now.

I have no where to go anymore. He is lying. I know it and it gets harder every day to live with him knowing what I know. Especially now that he is trying so hard to pay attention to me. Probably just to get me off his back for a while.

You say confront the other woman, but what do I really have to confront her with. I don't have any actual emails from her - just a "picture" or cached copy of his inbox which only shows the subject line and sender. The "I miss you" is in the subject line but I have no idea of the contents. Plus they are 15 months old. The phone bills show only the calls he made to her, incoming calls do not show the number that is calling. The letters were written by him and he claims she knows nothing about them because they are a fantasy. So really what do I have as far as proof of her participation??? I can speculate all I want, but there is no hard evidence to back it up.

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: SpouseGuess ]</small>

About trying to find a new cell phone? Easy! Go on line and fine a credit report. There are a lot of sites that will do this. It cost a little more than a standard report but it is well worth it. I think it only cost 40 bucks! If he has a new cell phone, new credit cards it will be under his credit report. Besides, would if something were to happen to him, would you want this ghostly credit cards bills come to haunt you????

Speak to the OW and say; "You know I am coming to terms that you are my husband are "close" I am trying to get some closure because it is eating me up and I really need your side of the story!" That way if the A. is still going on you are not saying to her you think it is over. If she denies that there was anything between her and your H., then you say; "Please stop, it is Ok (even though it is not) I understand, I saw both of your e-mails etc. and I just need closure". But don't give her any more information than you have too.

I was on the verge of doing that but my H. OW dumped him before I got a chance. I came so close of flying down there and busting him while he was in the A.! I had the plan all worked out. BUt something happened where, my sister wasn't able to go with me. Because I have kids, I needed someone to help me. I did speak to her and she was sooooo evil. She is also very ugly. I think I would have felt worse if she was better looking.
But anyway, you will hear it right from the horses mouth.

How close does he work with this women? I can't remember but have you ever met her? Does he like his job?

Even if the affair is over with, this will definitely ruin your marriage if it is not open up and dealt with soon. Just think about how much you curiousity is consumming you? Each day you question your trust with him.

First, do the credit report. All you need is his social security number. Don't tell him that you are doing such. By the way, you can get immediate results. Get that report before you decide to call. Don't tell your husbad if you find somethings new on there. You must do a lot of detective work if there is new stuff on there before the confrontation and speak to OW first.

Let me know,

Ali

Ali88 - Thanks for your support. I'm trying to sort my feelings out right now before I decide on a plan of action. Right now I just feel emotionally drained and it is all I can do to get through each day.

As for the credit report - he has another bank account somewhere and the first one didn't show it. So he is either paying with cash or he has a new credit card. Either way, I need to be patient for a while and let things die down a little. I don't want to behave irrationally so I'm just working through it a little at a time. Right now it is all I can do to be civil to the man.

Totally understand if that is what you need to do!

Can I ask are you involved with the finances? Because if so, you will be able to see how much he makes unless he hides his paychecks from you. You should see a discrepancy if he is putting cash into another checking account! A big gap!

Good luck sorting things out. I know it is a shock for you. But you need to do what is right for you!

Ali

Hi SG,
I won't pretend to be an expert on MB, I don't post much, but have been lurking here a LONG time and have found this site very helpful.
I am posting now, because your situation is very similar to mine. I have suspected that my H is having an A for almost exactly a year now. I have some "proof", but he denies, denies...and I doubt , doubt...him and myself. I also think that it is probably over, but maybe not. I also feel that I may never find the truth.

It will get better, I am much calmer now, and one important thing I have taken away from here is that I CANNOT change him, only ME. I cannot MAKE him do anything, i.e. admit anything, work on the marriage...
This is a tough thing for me. How do I/You go on believing that your H is lying? I wrestle with this question all the time. I still don't have the answer. This is harder for me to accept than an A itself. Honesty and Openness has always been my top EN and he knows this. We have always had trust issues, not about an A, but he has lied on major and minor issues in the past. I just keep trying to get across to him how important this all is to me. I stress to him reading the books that I have bought and WORKING on the M. I try to carry on conversations about these subjects and the trust without LBing. This is very difficult. Esp. when he always responds that the (non)trust, esp. about the possible/probable? A, is an LB itself. That sounds like where you are at. I just keep telling him that I have/had VALID reasons not to trust him - he SHOULD work with me on this. But again, I cannot make him do it.

In all honesty, I want a separation, but do not have balls to push this, without 100% truth about A. I know my H loves his family, esp. D and S. I do not have heart to separate him from kids unless I know what I am doing is the right thing for the right reason. I do believe that in the long run it would help our M.

I think I know what you want right now, and you cannot find it here. You want someone to tell you definitively that your H had/is having an A. You want someone to tell you what to do. I may be wrong, but that is what I want! IT is not here - it is up to you and him!

I would like to tell you my story too, but do not want to threadjack, will save that for another time. Let me just say that you DO seem to have enough proof. But I know how hard it is to relate all little pieces of a story, esp. online. I also know how hard it is to think (know?) that your H is looking you in the eye and lying, over and over. You WANT to believe him, even tho my H said that I WANT to believe that I am "right" and he is having an A, this is not true at all!

You will stop obsessing, days will get easier, focus on yourself as much as you are able. Do what you feel you have to do to get the truth, but try not to let it overtake your life.

I hope this helps, email me if you want Pleezmeu2@aol.com
- My name is Ramona and I can empathize with you.
I am so sorry that you are going through this! It was (still is) probably the hardest thing that I have faced, but of course I thank God (higher power) that my kids are healthy! - Knock Wood-


jlseagull

jlseagull - Oh God, it is like you are reading my mind and sharing my heart. You are so right! I just want to believe him and he is so desparate for me to believe him. I just can't understand how someone can lie like that because I could not do that.

You and Ali88 seem to have grasped it all and it makes me feel so much better. Yesterday was probably the worst day I have had and today is not much better but a little. That is why I have not posted much. I just don't know how much longer I can live with him like this. It is tearing me apart.

Today I took my D shopping and it was good for me to get out of the house, but this thing follows me like a cloud you know. My H is trying so hard to be good to me now and somehow that makes it harder to feel the way that I'm feeling. He claims that he won't show me the credit card statements because he wants me to trust him. I say how can I trust him if he doesn't show them to me. He is winning that battle and I don't even have any ammunition left to fight with. He cancelled the card. (I expect a response from Ali88 on this bit of info <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Thank you so much for reading my post and responding - it helps to know I'm not alone even if I feel that way sometimes. Please tell me your story! My email account got corrupted with a virus and I can't seem to access it anymore so here is another one CW1234_638@hotmail.com.

Ali88 - I think I will follow your suggestion about the credit report, but wait a month. It is obvious to me that he has backed off or ended it for now, but I know in my heart that he could still start again. He feels guilty - I can tell that, but that doesn't really mean anything does it???? You say your spouse felt no guilt and continued, right? When did his guilt really kick in?

I really wish I could think of a way to get his credit statements without his knowledge. I have his SS# of course, but they want to speak to a man. Now that he has cancelled it what can I do? As far as our finances, he has always taken care of those but I never see his expense reimbursement checks, EVER! In fact, he has travelled with this OW and I'm sure that it started on one of those ventures. He could travel with her in the future too. Nothing I can do about that.

Right now I simply feel used. He obviously cared about her deeply not so long ago. Those feelings just do NOT disappear. I know that and this is what I struggle with now. Is he pushing them back to fix our marriage and they will resurface when things are calmer? Did she dump him and I am the consolation prize? That is what else drives me crazy.

I told him when I lay next to him in bed all I can think about is what he said in those letters (although he will not refer to them as letters - they are part of his book/fantasy) and I wonder if he is thinking of her. I wonder how many times did he make love to me and pretend it was her (can I say that here?) Remember the statement "The act of watering the cactus is painful...meaningless...I hate it" That is what I think of every night before I go to sleep.

I am obsessing - he says that, but I think it is natural to wonder and be upset. My head tells me he is emotionally blackmailing me into believing him to make himself feel better and my heart wants to believe him. I hate feeling this way, but I hate seeing him cry too. Sorry for the rant, but it has been a very rough two days for me. I do feel a little calmer now.

Wow SG my heart hurts for you. I was wear you are several years ago. I did not have the evidence you have I just had behavioral changes. He was very honest about buying her gifts for birthday and Christmas. They spent time together that he was very honest about or so he says. Many many other things that he did that was soooo unlike him. He swears there was never anything there. My heart for several years screamed at me that he was innocent my head that he was very guilty. I battled that ugly monster for years. I still do not know for sure. However hubby is making changes himself. He is coming back to us I see it more and more. I'm not sure if I will ever know for sure. I had to decide what I was willing to do. Was I willing to live with not knowing and the change in hubby and trust him to the Lord or was it enough to leave. For me it was never enough to leave. I tried to get people to tell me for sure that he was having an affair but they didn't. I need the truth that is my number one EN and he knows it. Has always known it. If you believe in God then prayer, get the book the power of the praying wife. Look to God for the answers. I still don't have the answers but I have come to believe that God is working through me to bring my hubby closer to him. It hurts and is very hard but it can be done. I have a hard time giving myself totally back to my husband for fear of what if he does this again. But what if he doesn't I've wasted all that time. Pray for a clear head and a calm heart I was told to do this from somone on MB and it does help. I obsessed for two years over this. I'm not sure this helped or even makes sense

Here is something else I found that helped me. Hope its ok to put it here.

Partnership, Fall 2003

Back from the Brink: Massaging the Truth
My husband said his trips to massage parlors were innocent, but I wasn't buying it.
By K. Madison


When my husband, Bob, started working late, going in on weekends, and staying in Manhattan overnight to avoid his 90-minute commute, I became frustrated with how little time we had together. He was always too tired to do things with me, or to have sex. But since he'd recently switched careers and was making a new start, I tried not to complain too much—not even when Bob uncharacteristically started having a few drinks every night to relieve his tension. Instead, I filled my life with grad school and other interests.

But when I realized it had been more than two months since we'd had sex, I finally spoke up.

"Your life is out of control," I told him. "You need to spend more time at home. I can't take second place to your work any more." In reality, second place would have been a step up—I was barely on his map.

Stress made Bob angry much of the time. He often became defensive, used profanity, stormed out, and even threatened to leave our marriage. "Why bother coming home at all," he'd say, "when all I hear is your complaints and criticism?"

What had happened to the affectionate, jovial guy who'd led a Bible study early in our marriage?

I didn't see how things could get much worse, but one evening, after a nasty argument, Bob admitted he'd been "getting massages" to help him relax. He said he got them on nights he stayed in the city, after long days at work.

"Where?" I asked.

"At a massage place," Bob said.

"Without an appointment?"

"Yeah. I just walk in."

I knew legitimate establishments for sports or healing massage weren't generally open at night. And you needed an appointment.

"From women?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. "It would be weird getting a massage from a guy."

"What do they wear?"

"Normal stuff. They're just normal places."

"You've gone to more than one place?"

"Yes. What's the difference?"

"Do you go for something sexual?"

"Of course not," he stammered. "You're the only woman I've had sex with."

"What about oral sex or manual stimulation?" I choked out.

He hesitated before saying, "I don't do that."

He refused to talk about it any more.

More than massages
I was hurt and angry—and I didn't believe his massages were innocent. Since we weren't communicating and I realized our marriage was in trouble, I asked Bob to go with me to a Christian counselor. Reluctantly, he agreed.

I brought up the massages in our first session, but Bob wouldn't discuss it. I needed to talk about it, so we had separate sessions. While Bob quickly dropped his appointments, I kept going.

The counselor told me he'd never worked with a man who'd gone to a massage "parlor" simply for a legitimate massage. I'd known that in my gut. Otherwise, why would Bob have hidden it from me? Why was he so defensive about it?

Each time I brought it up, Bob said, "You're judging me. If I'm such a terrible person, so unworthy of you, why don't we just split up?" He continued to deny any sexual misconduct. But finally, he agreed to stop getting massages—"to make you feel better," he said.

Months later, I learned Bob had also been going to strip clubs. "It's just a thing men do," he insisted.

I'd heard of "lap dancing," where a mostly-unclad woman sits in a man's lap and gyrates, usually until the man experiences sexual release. I was repulsed by the idea of a strange woman pushing her bare breasts into my husband's face, bending over and performing all sorts of gymnastic feats before him.

How could my husband find these disgusting women enticing? How could he support such an industry with money that belonged to both of us? Why would he need to go to these places when he had me at home, longing to spend time with him, trying, unsuccessfully, to initiate sex? What was wrong with me?

While Bob denied having any physical contact with the dancers, I didn't believe him. And I was convinced the massages also involved sexual activity. As I saw it, he'd been unfaithful, multiple times, and with women who sold sex for money—prostitutes! I felt defiled, humiliated, betrayed, confused, and angry. Bob had lied to me, repeatedly. How could I ever trust him?

I couldn't talk about it with anyone besides my counselor, because I was so ashamed. I didn't feel free to discuss it with friends from church—or with my family, either. I felt utterly alone.

Unexpected help
But God is gracious. He knew I'd reached the limit of my strength. Just when I was considering what had always been unthinkable to me—divorce—God threw me a lifeline. After months of praying for my marriage, Bob agreed to try a new men's Bible study at church.

One night, he came home from the study and reported that someone in the group, an elder in our church, had confessed he was a former pornography addict. For years this man had led a double life—husband, father, upstanding church member—and regular at porn shops and peep shows.

He said part of conquering his addiction had been changing his route to work so he didn't pass the places that tempted him. He'd also found an accountability partner and confessed his weakness to his wife.

His wife was a Sunday school teacher, a leader in our church. Finally! I thought. Someone who will understand what I'm going through!

I contacted her and we began to pray together regularly. We prayed for healing between my husband and me, and freedom from temptation for both our husbands. I felt better with this unexpected support, but I couldn't rid myself of the terrible pictures in my head.

I imagined my husband at the strip clubs, what he'd seen and done. I thought often about divorce and tried to picture what my life would be like without him.

Then one day my prayer partner said something wise: "I was able to forgive my husband because it wasn't really about him hurting me. His actions were sin, rebellion against God. Yes, I was affected. But so was God. Because the Holy Spirit lives inside my husband, he took God with him into those sex shops. How sad God must have been at such disrespect.

"Instead of feeling anger," she continued, "I felt grief that my husband wasn't right with God, grief that sin had such a grip on him. I wanted more than anything for my husband to be right with God. That was my prayer. I discovered it's hard to stay angry at someone when you're praying sincerely for him."

She was right. I began to pray the prayers in Stormie Omartian's book, The Power of a Praying Wife. I began to use Scripture as prayers, inserting Bob's name into passages such as Ephesians 1:17-19: "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give Bob the Spirit of wisdom and revelation …" I also often read the story of Saul's transformation from persecutor to missionary in Acts 9.

I continued reading Scripture and praying for Bob and our marriage for several years. Then one morning, I read the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant, in which the king had forgiven all the servant's debts, but then the servant refused to forgive his own servant (Matthew 18:21-35). Finally it made sense to me. I was that unforgiving servant!

If God could forgive me the thousands of sins I'd committed in my lifetime, how could I withhold forgiveness from my husband in this one area?

True confessions
I was almost at peace, but not quite. I knew now I could forgive Bob. But he still had not admitted the full scope of his sin to me, or, as far as I knew, to God. I needed him to tell me the truth so I could forgive him completely. I trusted God would reward me for hanging in there through the bad times, heal our marriage, and hopefully, help me forget these ugly things had ever happened. So I approached Bob one more time.

More than five years had passed since Bob said he'd stopped frequenting strip clubs and massage parlors. I believed him because I'd seen him grow spiritually during that time. He'd stopped staying late in the city and going in on weekends. After several years in his men's Bible study, he'd recommitted his life to Christ. That recommitment helped strengthen our marriage. Bob didn't end every argument with, "Let's just split up" any more. That gave me confidence to try one more time to work out the issue.

I prayed for God to show me the right time to broach the painful old subject. I did it in writing this time, asking Bob to write his responses to my questions: Did the massages involve sexual activity? Was there physical contact with the dancers at the strip clubs?

He was hesitant to respond at first, fearful of how I might react. But I assured him I was committed to our marriage, and wanted to work this out so our relationship could grow stronger. I gave him plenty of space, and, after a day and a half, he responded with a letter of his own: Yes. He was ashamed and regretful, but he'd engaged in inappropriate sexual activity.

I'd asked God to prepare me for whatever Bob told me. And God was faithful. When Bob expressed his shame, guilt, and regret over hurting me and violating our relationship, he asked for forgiveness. My gratitude over God's forgiveness for me enabled me to forgive Bob for what had once felt too awful to forgive. And I was free. An enormous weight lifted from me.

It had taken lots of energy to remain hurt and angry all those years, to hold a grudge, to think about something so unpleasant over and over. It took surprisingly little on my part to forgive. God did the real work. I just had to make the decision.

I continue to ask God daily to keep watch over my husband and our marriage. I pray for strength and protection—for Bob and for our relationship. I pray for Bob's continued spiritual growth. And, finally, I feel a peace within my marriage

That is my biggest nightmare I think!??? What if I decide to work on my marriage and give up this little quest and he drops this bomb on me five years from now? I guess deep down inside I know that it will never go away, especially since he won't tell me, but I was hoping. What you are saying proves that. Thanks for the response.

Boy do I understand your thoughts on the what if I put it behind me and it all comes out later. But can we live with what ifs what kind of life is that? I had to look at everything and decide out of all my choices what could I live with. Which decision could I live with. In my heart I feel my hubby did not have an affair that the evidence against him is circumstantial and he realizes if he was on trial he would be convicted. But my head tells me that he did it was an affair whether an ea or pa. I do not know which one it is but I have come to believe that just by his actions alone he betrayed me by putting another females feelings ahead of mine. I have come to believe that God is working through me to reach my hubby and bring him to a closer relationship with him. I have seen some amazing changes and this has taken years. I lost a lot of years obsessing over what he was doing and if it was truly an affair or not. I missed a lot of living in my life and with my kids. I can't tell you what to do, no one could tell me its a process you have to go through. Only you can decide what you are willing to live with and what you are willing to do to help you through this. I am sooo sorry you are going through this but you can come out on the other side. Believe in yourself!!!! Take care of yourself!!!!

I feel bad about this situation. I've been married for 7 years, and now once again, suspect my husband of cheating/contemplating cheating. We have major marital issues, but I have clues in front of me like his defensiveness when confronted with questions, no call logs on the past 2 months' cell bills, telling me I'm insecure because I'm not meeting his needs. I have no solid proof like you do. I wish I did. I wish he would tell me he's cheating or at least thinking of it. I'm a snooper too, and Mama always told me if you hunting for stuff, don't get mad at what you find. I WANT to find it. I want him to tell me he's been unfaithful, and I'm not sure if I'd want to fix it. I had an emotional affair with a coworker about 4 years ago, so I know it can happen. My husband works for the telephone company, outdoors, so claims he has no time for cheating. I know it's not true. There's always time. He talks to female employees all the time on the phone, and I felt this could be a way for things to develop. He thought that was ridiculous, and said I sounded like I was telling him to quit his job because he talks to women. I never said anything like that. I simply said I can relate to how affairs can start, because I've been there. He is very defensive, doesn't like to address the subject. I haven't found any strange numbers or anything. There are just small clues. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but my heart tells me I'm right.