I am so hurt,bewildered on what to to with my situation.My H is starting all his old habits again and I'm seeing some of the signs I did last year when he was having an affair on line.Is this ever going to stop.How can chatting with people be more important than his family?We talked 2 nights ago and I heard the same words I listened to last year.How he needs to find himself and he needs time alone to figure things out and he wants a separation.I was so mad but I controlled it for the most part.He did the same thing to me last year around the same time and that's when his "find myself road trip" became a trip to OH to meet a lady he had been having an afair with on the net (in a chat room he hosts).How can he figure himself out if he's always chatting and putting all his time and energy into other people and their lives.That's not saying what it's done to our marriage.I may as well talk to a wall half the time.I don't know how to break him of this addiction or if I can.He was talking about moving out 2 nights ago and this morning he's talking about painting our house.He's totally confussing to me.I'm really trying not to think with my heart anymore it's been crushed too many times.I had to actually have a proceedure done on my heart last week.An ablasion.The doc had to burn a nobe off my heart because I would go into SVT where within a second my heartbeat would be beating at 190 a minute.Not good,not good considering norm is 70-90.So i feel like I'm dying of a broken heart.Literally.I feel like eventhough my H is still living me he doesn't really want to be with me anymore.The things he says sometimes.He's constantly reminising on how his life was so great when me and the kids were gone and how depressed he is now.How sad it makes me feel to know after all these years 20+ he's never truely loved me or he wouldn't be able to do what he's done and possibly still doing.Realizing more and more I'm finding myself going into a depression also.We don't snuggle like we used to,I wake up and he's not there he's at his computer instead.We used to sleep in on weekends and snuggle watching some old flick.I miss my H.I miss the man I fell in love with.I love the band "Journey" and "Steve Perry" some fantastic love songs but now he plays them when he's chatting with other people when I'm not home.I know I have to make a desicion for myself before I loose it all together.Dealing with this everyday for 2 years now is too long.I want change and to grow but talking with him the other night I realized he hadn't changed or grown at all.He's still living or wanting to live like he was when we were separated and that doesn't make sence to me.I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said "not yet".Nothings changed within him but within me I'm actually seeing him in a different light.I think he's delibratly making my life hell because he wants me to leave so he can have the house and relive 2 summers ago.He had 4 affairs while we were separated and had alot of women calling him and chatting with him on line.He had joined a dating service on line so he was meeting all kinds of people but we were still married.Now that it's almost spring and beautiful weather I think he's starting to feel the urge again to travel and meet people.Irrigardless of what it's going to do to me and our family.I can't comprehend this behavior and I wish someone would explain it to me.I just totally feel lost and I hate the egotistical attitude he has developed with me.I don't understand it.Well thank you for listening to me today. God Bless

I had to post but I'm hardly an expert. Have you and your H been in counseling together since you were first separated?? It sounds like he is addicted and some good counseling may help keep him in check.

You could be my twin. I'm convinced that my WH has been having internet A for awhile. The current situation got out of hand and now there is OW in my life. You can find out more about my story, but it's been h#ll.

I was scheduled for ablation surgery. My symptoms started back in September. I don't have SVT, I have Afib, which is almost like SVT, except with SVT you maintain a normal sinus rythym with your heart, it's just fast. With AFIB, you lose all sinus rythym. I was hospitalized 4 times in the last 6 months with this. The ablation won't work because my pulmonary artery is out of whack as well.

Little did I know that a lot of the reason I was withdrawing from my WH, was due directly TO the heart problems I was having. I was afraid to be intimate for obvious reasons, then I chose to somehow "protect" him from all the depression we were experiencing through the difficult medical situation, just pushing him further away.

My NO means...am I justifying the internet thing...trust me on this...but sit down and think about this.... my IC said that 65% of all people that develop heart conditions suffer depresssion. Neither my GP or my EPC opted to tell me that.

I don't know if any of that helps, but I'm working very hard to get my WH back. I've put everything else on back burner, until I can prioritize better.

God Bless you "BetrayedinJersey"..Thank you for your reply.
Well guess where he's going.OH apparently he sold a "server" to a "friend"(Rose) and she lives in OH.So he has to go there and install it for her.What a "kawinki dink".So he's leaving sometime in June????He's excited and I'm depressed and hurt.It's not only bringing alot of bad memories back but is he going to tell his last A that he's going to be there.He still has alot of feelings for her and they are still chatting on the net.He talks to this "rose" person alot and I hope it's just buisness.I just don't feel like I have the security in our relationship and I know and feel that he could start another relationship so easily.I just don't know why he would want to.He doesn't even know why his last A happened,so that doesn't give me much to work with.Should I walk away.It's so hard to live with him knowing that he doesn't love me like he used to and I don't understand why he doesn't.I want to hug him and hold him but to him it's an inconvienience now and if I approch him while he's on his computer to hug him he thinks I'm spying on him.I used to give him a cup of coffee or something and bend down and hug him and kiss the back of his neck and walk away.He told me he hated it and he accused me of spying on him.So I stopped doing that.I wasn't spying on him,I just wanted to remind him that I was there.Its been hard at times just to talk to him he's so engrossed in the chatroom he becomes annoyed at me for interupting him.There's been so much within myself I've had to change.I can't be the loving and affectionate me anymore.The impulses are still there but I have to think before I act.I'm really haveing a hard time with this and today is going to be very emotional now that I know he's leaving for OH again.Well have to get back to work now. Thank you and God Bless.

He's doing this because he can. I see no reason not to start Plan B.

Are you sure we're not married to the same guy ?

My WH is also going to OH in June on business.

Give yourself some time. I KNOW....it is the worst thing to try to do..we try to have a magic fix or answer to every thought, word, action, emotion.

Unfortunately, we are alone in our struggle. Do NOT make ANY decision for at least 6 months. That is what's been drilled into my head from the folks here, so heed what I'm saying.

Our emotions are too raw right now. We analyze EVERYTHING.

Do this for me.... tell me.... WHY DO YOU WAIT FOR YOUR H TO COME AROUND... WHAT ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE MAKES YOU WANT TO TRY AND SAVE IT ?

Is there any way you can see what he's chatting? There is some very good spy software out there that collects every key stroke and saves it to a file that you can read later.

I'll bet he is into far more than you ever realized.

Have you read about ENs and Plan A. It sounds like he is missing out on some very important EN and seeking these out from other women. He has become so eager to have these needs met that his computer has become a habit or addiction to him.

There will come a time when he will need to give up the computer and his chatroom if he wants to maintain a M.

Begin Plan A...and you are right to mistrust his intentions for going to OH....

Is there a way to contact these ladies...they may not know he is M?

It's hard to let go of 20+ years.I'm still hopeing to find my lost H.Knowing him the way I do I can see he's in a depressed state at times,he doesn't feel good about himself because of his weight 5'11" 280lbs.When we were separated he lost some weight and was feeling really good but when I moved back his eating habits turned back to usual also.He hasn't eaten any of my cooking in about 1 month since he started helping his boss out.So all this time I thought it was my fault he wasn't dropping the weight,I always watch what we're eating and the fat intake etc.but he hasn't lost any weight at all.That doesn't help.His weight doesn't bother me but I know it's depressing him.When he's in the chatrooms I've realized he can be who he wants to be he can tell them anything.Example he told one lady who called him one day the he was a performer and he traveled all over with a band.NOT!He told another lady he could go out and buy a new car tomorrow if he wanted to and fly all over the world.NOT!!!How can you do that if your unemployed with a wife supporting you and 3 children.He just started working part time 4 weeks ago and even then it's more like he's just helping a friend out,he's not on a payroll or anything but he does bring home some money and he gets out of the house now instead of sitting at home infront of the computer.He does have it set up at work too though so he can chat there too.So that shows me his self esteem is nil.I've sat back and watched him and listened to him talk and I can understand why he feels so crappy but I don't want him to through our marriage away at the same time.I wish I could use his computer at home but he locks it and I have no way of logging on to download or install anything.I'm afraid to I don't have any experience really with computers really because he never lets me use it.I would love to see what he's telling these people.I don't know how I would let them know he's married.So I don't know what to do but patiently wait and see what happens and try to enjoy my life by myself with our kids.I've tried talking till I'm blue in the face.We don't have the money to go to counseling and I don't think he'd do it anyway.

MAND...
you have FAR more patience than I could ever dream of.

My first thought is if he isn't working to help with the support of you and the family...and you obviouly have to pay all the bills...he better find someplace else to run that PC instead of off YOUR electric.

You're a kind loving, and VERY forgiving person.... I'm slightly worried about YOUR self esteem though.

You need to change your approach. Read this site, find out what can help you...but above all.... TAKE CARE OF YOU !

Well we go into another argument Friday night.He came home as usual and straight on the computer.He started drinking which is fine,I don't mind every now and then.Through out the evening I did my thing and he was doing his on the computer.He asked me if I could run to his job to pick up something he forgot.So me and my 16 year old went.While I was there I noticed his chat room up on the computer at work.I watched for a while,I could read everything he was saying to everyone.There was a person named "Snail"in the chat room and he made a comment that got my attention he was talking to my H and said,"Rock if you don't treat "Oki"right I'm going to take her away from you".Oki was also in the chat room taking to my H.She made a comment that her heart was with my H.She asked my H if he was going to have his phone Saturday.After reading this and more I was so hurt and angry just knowing he was flirting and getting involved again.When I got home. he was upset at something and he started taking it out on me.His attitude had changed since I left.I was in the kitchen fixing his visor to his car and I was able to keep my composure.He was a little drunk and I told him he needed to eat dinner(it was midnight).I had picked up some Mexican food earlier that evening.So I warmed up a burrito for him and took it into the bedroom so he could eat.He just looked at it and got mad that I had given him a whole burrito.I guess I was supposed to read his mind and know he wanted half of everything I got.He kept going on and on and being sarcastic at the same time.I blew it and said maybe you should have "Oki" come and fix it for you then.You seem to have something going on with her now" he denied it.He told me he wanted a divorce and to pick up the papers this week.He said he's had enough.Enough of what? is what I'd like to know.I'm finding that he's making our relationship seem so misrable and he looks at me in such a negative light and I don't know why.All I've ever done is love him and take care of our family.I don't understand why he is so persistant in distroying us.The next day after our argument(by the way the only time we argue is when I confront him about what he's doing)I had to work thank god I didn't want to be around him.He called me and was really nice and said he didn't understand why I brought "oki" up and there's no one else and out of anger he had said some things he didn't mean to say.The one thing he didn't do though is appologize for what he said.He never says he's sorry for anything he does.So now I don't know what to expect.I know how I feel and I feel like S...,I don't know why he doesn't want us to work.He had made a comment during the argument he yelled "I want to leave because of YOU and how you are.He was talking to me and making faces at me.Honestly I don't know what I've done.So another day and I'm missrable and don't have the answers.Well I have to get back to work now.God bless and thank you for being here.

My heart goes out to you. Your situation sounds alot like mine a couple of years ago.

Checking up on him, confronting him made things worse. He would do what he wanted anyway, and it pushed him away more, he felt like I was his mother, checking up on him.

Finally I told him he was a free agent but that he would end up hurting himself in the end, and I just prayed for him and waited. You might have to be patient. Be loving, forgiving, but don't blame yourself for what he is doing.

In my case, it wasn't until we were apart, that he started to come to his senses. Now he sees what a fool he has been. But he had to figure it out the hard way I guess.

It's hard to know what to do.He's lied more in the past 6 months than he has in our 20+ years together.I don't know if I should start sleeping in another room and totally leave him alone and stay away until he or I can move.Even his counselor told us that moving apart will only drive us more apart.But with in my heart I think thats what he wants so he can be free of me for whatever his reasons.He's told me he's talked about me in his chat room and they think I have issues but they don't know I'm his wife.I have a recording of him talking about me and he refered to me as his roommate to this person.How fair is that.They don't know the truth of what he's done and put me and our children through for his own selfish wants.When I see him chatting I just want to explode anymore because of what I know.But I'm able to just walk away and stay my calm collected self.I've given him privacy,respect,support and I just feel so betrade right now.I don't know if I'll ever trust him again or believe what he tells me.Maybe the best thing to do right now is to just totally back off and let him do his thing whick I do now as it is but I still show him alot of attention.We've always been so affectionate with each other so maybe I just need to stop,no more nightly back rubs/foot rubs etc.At this point I just feel like he's taking me for granted anyway.I feel so sad and hurt for us.I now catch myself constantly tearing up because I'm realizing so much now.Just knowing that he doesn't want me anymore crushes me because I don't know why.Gotta go