Hi,
To anyone who's listening. I don't post much because I never really got a response, but I do listen and read everyone else's post. I thought my WH and I were working things out,until yesterday morning. The OW called my house looking for my H. She told me that She was still seeing him and that she was expecting a baby in six months.

We have two kids of our own both under tha age of 2 1/2. I don't know what to do I feel like I could just die. I know that I can not accept a child outside of my marriage. Why should I have to. We have beeen seperated for the past five months - I threw him out when I found out about it. (you can read my background I posted it "When Is He Coming Home" back in February) I got no real response, so I gave up posting.

I don't know what to do I am so hurt! I love him, but do not want to feel like a door mat. He kept telling me that he was going to mive back home when he got himself straight, but little did I know that he was shacked up over there with her. He claims that he did not know what to do because he knows how I feel about outside children. So should he for goodness sake His father did the same thing to his mother and him. I con't want my kids to have to grow up with this - I don't want to have to grow old with this.

She claims that he had been telling her that he loved her and wanted to marry her. I found out that she was separated from her husband for 4 years. She claims that he moved her here to be with him and she even has three children already.

This makes four kids caught in this mess My stepson (13), my son (2), my daughter (1), and an unborn child. Not to even mention her three kids.

I love him but I will not accept another woman's child eventhough I know that It's not the child's fault. I do not want it (the situation) around my kids.

What do I do, because at this point I just want to die. I am so angry I could kill him. All he can say is that he was sorry. H claims he wants his family, but it is not that simple - he had us and he threw us away.

He had me thinking it was my fault because I would have angry outbursts and LB like crazy, but through reading this sight I have learned my part in that and have changed dramatically. But I feel as though he still had a choice and he chose to go out and have an affair and even get her pregnant.

He had a good family and he trew us to the wolves. All I can think about is the shame and embaraasment I feel. I did bring the affair out to his family and friends on yesterday. I think that I have been helping him by keeping his secret. They had no idea that he would be that type of person.

He portrays himself as the lovong husband and father, but the truth is he never spends anytime with us, the ones he claims to care about so much. I don't have anything else to give. I am not sure it is good to stay because of the kids either.

Help me I dying inside and can see no brighter tomorrow. please someone answer me I have nowhere else to turn. My family and close friends think it is time for me to call it quits, I think he has worn my self esteem down so low that I don't see myself with anyone else.

I don't think that this is even his only time cheating I have heard of other incidents, but never an ongoing relationship like this one.

What do you do when you think you are in recovery, but find out that it is worse than you ever expected?

Help me PLease!!!

((((HUGS))) for you JT2

I don't really have any advice or anything since I've never been in your situation. Just wanted you to know that your post was read and you have support.

You might want to post in the Pregnancy/Child section also. You may get more of a response to this post.

Take care.

sss

JT,

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly! And I'm also sorry that you didn't get many responses last time. I have a few very good suggestions for you...to get support. First...consider posting on the Child/Pregnancy Board. You will not be ignored and there are many folks in the same boat that you are in (sadly). It is an excellent place for you post! Also, post on more than one board....GQII where they have many good vets, because JFO is really slow and most of the folks here are pretty new. I think Pepperband would be an excellent choice if you want to post to someone specifically.

Also there is another forum at www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com that has trained moderators and mentors who give excellent help. I spend most of my time there now.

JT2 im sorry your here, we will try and help the best way we can. Im not an expert ive only been here alittle while myself but no situation is so hopeless that it cant be recovered from. please i know your hurt right now and have been for a long time, did you ever get the books mentioned on this site? SURVIVNG AN AFFAIR, and HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS for parents? both helped me out alot.


I hate to give advice about this im not very good at this , if he is still living with the other woman (OW) then that is a bad thing for your marriage.Have you talked to your DR about anti depressants (AD's) i held off taking them and it caused me some rough times before taking them and now it helps taking the AD'S .


YOU ARE NOT ALONE> ill stay by the computer all day long if you need someone to talk with. just take a deep breath and think of your kids. If you feel like hurting yourself call someone, ANYONE, but think of your kids you have a long life to live and this situation is temporary, it wont last forever

I appreiciate your posts. A response is a good feeling. I feel like I have put myself inside a bubble and let no one in. But I can;t live like that anymore. H had been working on coming home however I did not know that he was living with her. That was the other part of the surprise. He was home with me lastnight, but how long would it have been if she hadn't called.

He had been spending most of his time with me and my kids, so I guess she wa lashing out I don't know about anything anymore. I don;t know who to beleive.

JT2 -

Sorry you are in this mess that you did not choose. Your husband is making very poor decisions, just like all of these WH's do.

For some reason, practically none of them use birth control. What are they thinking? Obviously they are not thinking at all.

Since OW already has 3 kids, she is in a real mess too. How does she support them? She may have tried to get pregnant to hold onto your WH. Also she may be lying about being pregnant.

But anyway, don't despair. You have more choices than WH does. If you give up on him, he is stuck with child support for your children, and child support for the baby. I hope he has a good job, otherwise, the next 18 years are going to suck for him.

So right now, you hold all of the cards. Take your time and carefully think this out. We will help you get through this. You are miserable right now, but I promise you things will get better.

Its hard to be strong sometimes, when your partner isnt. they will say one thing then do another. I know the rollercoaster your on , we all do here. From WS to BS, each have had to deal with waves of emotions that threaten to overcome us.Id suggest going to your DR for AD's if your depressed and its no weakness to admit that you are.


my prayers are with you
cliff

Thank you all so much for responding. I had no where else to turn. I feel as though I am all alone. I look at my children and fine that I have to do what is best for them. But what is really best for them?

Do I stay with a man that could be unfaithful at any time or do I get out quick and pray for someone better. Is this really fair to my children? They are so young that I have to make the decisions that mold their lives.

where do I go from here? Believer, cliff, does anyone know?

My WH keeps on trying to convince me that he wants to be with me and the kids? I am not sure if I believe him. He still wants to put this mishap (ha fine choice of words) on the fact that we were having marital problems. But did he not have a choice in making the decisions that he makes?

What do I need to do because talking to him every five minutes is not helping me - at all.

He wants to see the kids, but I do not want to see him, what do I do?

How do I handle this I don't want him not to see them.

Hi!

Glad you came back!

As much as I hate to say this, he is their father. Unless your kids are in any danger then he should see them. Regardless!

I cannot give too much advice here because you have a very difficult situation. But do you depend on you H. financially? All affairs are devastating. But when there is a child born because of an A.? That has got to be the ultimate!

Think about what you really want? Do you want to live in an untrusting M? I would suggest you get yourself outside counseling! That is a tough one!

Ali

Hi!

Glad you came back!

As much as I hate to say this, he is their father. Unless your kids are in any danger then he should see them. Regardless!

I cannot give too much advice here because you have a very difficult situation. But do you depend on you H. financially? All affairs are devastating. But when there is a child born because of an A.? That has got to be the ultimate!

Think about what you really want? Do you want to live in an untrusting M? I would suggest you get yourself outside counseling! That is a tough one!

Ali

JT- I certainly can relate to the pain in your post- I remember when my WH kept going back and forth between me and OW- I became suicidal for awhile even. Have you read the book "Love Must be Tough"? I recommend that one to you- you could gt a used copy online- it has some good guidelines in it for handling an unrepentant WH.My H also moved in with the OW leaving me to take care of our 3 kids- but instead of covering up for him I told everyone- our neighbors, pastor,my family, his relatives,our family doctor, friends at church etc. I am glad I did because they gave me tremendous emotional support and kept me from going over the edge. WH got mad that it exposed his shenanigans to the light of day but he reaped what he sowed. Don't accept blame for your WH's bad decisions- if you do it will shred your self-esteem even further. Is there any way you could call an attorney on the phone and ask a few questions about starting separation papers? I found an attorney by asking around at our church and he gave me some free advice over the phone. If you want your H not to come over to the house there are papers you can file to stop him from coming and going as he pleases. I nearly got to this point because my H was coming over alot on nights after work and then going back to OW's condo to sleep- I got sick of his using our house as a pit-stop. You are strong enough to play the hand you've been dealt. Don't underestimate your inner strength and ask ask ask for help! Take care-lifeismessy

Thank you,

I have a l;awyer and have been on the phone with her for the past two days now. My H wants to come back home but I am not sure if that's because OW put him out.

Eventhough he was staying pretty much with me everynight he'd go home to her early in the morning to get dressed without me knowing of course. H states that he was trying to come home for quite some time yet he forgot to tell me that he was living with her. He lied to me and told me that he was staying with a guy friend.

What do you do - who do you trust - where do you go from here? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I love him still yet I have nothing left to give.
I worry about my kids - and I really don't think that people really can change. They may do the things that you want them to do for awhile, but then they go back to the same thing yet again.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

JT2 I am all about working things out and saving things but at this point if he is out of your house id say give him a choice to come back and have no contact with the OW or I would cut all ties go to plan B set an intermediary up between you 2 and protect yourself and your kids , because all its doing right now is tearing you up inside.

people may say im wrong and im sure there will be other opinions because of the the OW "maybe" pregnant, but im about your marriage and not her feelings. thats all i know , maybe an administrater can move this thread to the pregnancy topic, im sure with people who have dealt with this situation can help from experience wether their marriage survived or if their marriage didnt.

my prayers are with you
cliff

and I really don't think that people really can change. They may do the things that you want them to do for awhile, but then they go back to the same thing yet again.

Based on the statement above, the following statement;

He had me thinking it was my fault because I would have angry outbursts and LB like crazy, but through reading this sight I have learned my part in that and have changed dramatically.
means these "dramatic" changes you have made are only for show, to get him back? You have not really changed?

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Hi JT- I posted to you yesterday about contacting a lawyer and I am glad you are doing that. At this point I hope you will concentrate on separating yourself from your H since he is obviously playing the both of you against each other to only HIS advantage. Set VERY FIRM and if necessary legal boundaries until your WH is forced to quit having his cake and eating it too. Until you do there is no chance that your marriage can recover. And your self-confidence and self-esteem will steadily erode as you contiune to let him lie to you about where he is. Believe me I KNOW because I allowed my H to do this to me for too long. It was only when I told him I was about to take legal action to get his two-timing buns off our living room couch that he came to his senses and broke things off with OW. In fact he would break up with her then go back to her many times over a period of several months and he finally went to my counselor to get prof. advice on how to end it with her!~( In my case my H's OW was a single coworker of his who knew me and our 3 kids and wanted the lifestyle I had and to be step-mom to my kids- how twisted is that???) Now about OW calling you- I hope you have caller ID on your phone-DO NOT talk to her at all! Do not believe a single word she says.Whatever you tell her she will find a way to use against you. Do not waste your emotional energy on her right now- you have none to spare. Work on your own well-being. Get counseling for yourself and meds to help with anxiety and depression so you can get thru the days with your kids ( I went to a family Dr. and she prescribed effexor for me- it really helped me with my constant anxiety and crying)and start building your own support system- you would be surprised how helpful people will be to you if you open up to them about the hell you are going thru. I even told my kids teacher and my hair stylist! Keep posting here. Express your feelings to those you care about you right now- not your H or OW. They are still playing house in fantasy land. Take care!

Stick with us and we will get you through this. It is very miserable at first, but things get better.

Your H has made a huge mistake and will pay heavily for it. You hold all of the cards, although it may not feel like it right now. Take your time and keep reading and posting here.

Sad situation your in. Im a BS, my wife had an affair using no protection, luckily she has majot problems with getting pregnant so she didnt, BUT she still didnt care about getting diseases etc. just like your H.

If you think it's hard now, jus wait until the OW child is born, she will use the child as a wedge most likely to get to your H.

I know how hard it must be, maybe.. JUST MAYBE! the un-born child isnt your H's. It is possible, a woman who would sleep with a married man without protection is a nothing more then a cheap whore, she's probably sleeping with multiple men.

I couldnt accept the situation your in "if the OW's child is your H's" its too much to accept, especially if your having big problems with just the affair.

It may give you some comfort by understanding that the person you married isnt the person you thought he was. Somtimes when i acknowledge my wife's A, i need to realize she is not the person i thought she was, rather pretending to be somthing she wasnt.

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

Hi all,

Thank you for your advice. My H has been asking to come home for some time now. He stated that he had only been away trying to come up with a way to tell me the situation he had put us in.

I am not quite sure that I believe that but I have no other choice. He stated that he was afraid to tell me because he knew that I would leave him and take the kids. Which is a true thought. But what he does not realize is that I do love him so that I might not be as quick to end it, but there has to be evidence that there is something there to save.

H wants to come home - staying in a hotel right now - what should I do? Should I let him come home? I am just not sure. My son is having a real difficult time with his father being out of the house (nightmares, screaming, crying). When he talks to his daddy all I here him say is you come see me? (he is two years old - our daughter is one)

Where do i go from here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Other woman has not contacted me again either, I do not think that I want to contact her for anything else. She had several holes in her story anyway. All she could tell me really is how he kept after her all night rubbing her belly and listening to heartbeats and telling her mother how much he loved her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So no good can come from talking to her again only pain.

Help advice anyone?

but there has to be evidence that there is something there to save.
Your children are the evidence there is something to save.

H wants to come home - staying in a hotel right now - what should I do?
Tell him to call Marriage Builders (see below), make an appt and ask Steve Harley how to go about it.

Should I let him come home?
NOt until oyu have some firm ground rules agreed upon by both of you and in place.

Where do i go from here?
Slowly.

So no good can come from talking to her again only pain.
Don't have anything to do with her.