OH BOG!!!!!!!!

You are going to love this! My H met this whore online... he tricked her into making her think that he was all into her because she herself was digging him. They were playing around... and me I never suspected a thing.. always thought it was this game that he played all the time..not with girls, but you know those stupid online games? Anyways while they were playing they somewhat got their EA..they heat each other up. THey talked about sex and what he would do.. I mean she is in no way more attractive than me. I'm prettier, fit, and God bless me enough to have a 3.9 at my current university.

Anyways, the affair threw me off! I cried, the whole ordeal that BS go through.... NOW I FEEL I WANT REVENGE! A guy I met at school have been asking me out for a while and I always say that I have someone and commited. He seems to never beleive because after the affair I took my ring off...he wasn't wearing his while he was DOING HER! Anyways he had my yahoo, since I am reluctant to give out my phone number. He msged me and asked if I wanted to have coffee with him. I look at my husband and I said "YES" we made a date.. I'm suppose to be going right now. I told my husband that I am going to meet a friend for a drink today. He got suspicious, he asked if its a girl... and I said yes.... and he said "is she black"? (Thing is that I am bi, but I do not go out with girls, I tend to stay traditional and I beleive if I am going to be with a girl.. I stay with ONE girl not 5 or 6 or a guy either..) Anyways he knows I only date black girls .. so asked him "are you worried? scared??" He said no. I know he is so JEALOUS!!! It would kill him to know that I am with someone else... but this time its a guy. Another guy. I cancelled the date, because I couldn't do it. I couldn't............I could not go out on date. I wouldn't kiss the guy or but it was a date...therefor leading to something.. EA or PA.
I CAN"T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REVENGE IS NOT SWEET ON MY CATEGORY.. I will just say to him that "my friend cancelled."
I will never be able to do it, because I am faithful.. I cannot do it, because just like his cheating is haunting him, mine will haunt me, and I dont want anything on my conscience.

I think just like your wife, he'd want me to cheat, that way the score would be equal! It won't be.....because I am the one that's clean and pure. I didn't break my vows.. I've always remain his wife through all the things he makes me go through. And when/if the day I decided to let him go... all will be his fault...my conscience will be clear and I will make way for new someone in my life. I will not be a CHEATER!

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: Harudah ]</small>

Hmmmm Revenge Affair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...several great posts and thoughts here by BS and I think I fall into the category as the longer I am separated I wonder why I continue to wait...the road since the affair has been filled with much pain and lies...WS and I have tried to reconcile four times and each time although he swore to family friends and me that A was over he still made contact...this scenario has me wondering if the man I married who was my protector, lover, friend, and partner will ever see the light of day again...he was a man who lived for his family, had great moral values and was well respected in the community...the OW I have to say is a low life...she has no self respect to continue in this A knowing the hurt she is causing WS's family...she knows that she will never be accepted by our friends, our son etc. but yet she still hangs on knowing full well that WS is fence sitting and has left her four times as well to come home to me...at this point I have decided to let them explore their fantasy world..WS knows I have conducted myself with self respect and dignity throughout this whole ordeal...whether that mades a differnce to him..time will tell... I guess the things I miss now is someone to make me feel special and loved...a girlfriend and I decided to get away for the weekend...we went to a club and I met someone there...not really looking...the one thing I realized from this experience was that there are nice guys out there who treat you with respect...the nice part of this evening was I was made to feel special again...something I haven't felt for a long time...the guy was a gentleman who bought me drinks all evening...I kept offering to pay and he refused... and when we danced it was special...a guy who did not ask for anything in return...this was soooo nice...then I think of my WS...abandoning me here to struggle to find ways to pay the bills while he is out with WS...having a great time...do we get to the point where we say enough is enough...I think my time for that is drawing near...not because of this man but for the eyeopener I had that evening...I may never see this guy again as I am cautious and did not exchange info but he got me thinking of where I am now and where I want to be in a year's time...would I have a revenge affair before I sign my Divorce papers ...nope...first of all would not want to sink to my WS's level..we talked the other day and I asked him if he was happy...he said no and again expressed a desire of possible reconciliation...I have learned my lesson after four tries and realize he has to make great changes in his life before I would ever consider attempting that again... and second...I have a family I adore...the pain in my son's eyes on a daily basis is something I will never forget...he has respect for me for the way I have handled this mess and I would not do anything to add further to his pain

Bog

A Revenge Affair is not what your think it is. It would NOT be what you think it would.

I had an RA, pure paybacks is all it was. Oh ya, it was like a fantasy come true. No emotional attachment, just crazy kinky sex that was good. You know what, it felt real good for about a week. Then one day I woke up and realized I had turned myself into a complete loser.

No offense folks, especially the WS's around here but thats what I was. Why? Because thats what wayward spouses are, LOSERS in every sense of the word.

You ready to deal with that? Are you ready to join the ranks of those who have a hard time living with themselves?

Maintain your integrity, honesty, morals, courage, etc etc. Having an A, or an RA will bust everything about you. I didn't know that before I DID IT TO MYSELF! I know some things. When your in recovery as a BS, it's easy to get lost in the rollercoaster ride. It's hard to think with clarity. You WILL make bad decisions... this is one you don't need.

It aint easy getting yourself out of the loser category bud, I'm not even sure you can ever really accomplish that task.

M.

mortimer
I really like the honesty in your post.
I think what you said sums it up.
I know I would never have one even tho the thought has crossed my mind but like you said it is the feeling I would have after that I dont think I could handle.
I dont want to be a looser,I want to be better than OW was and a RA does nothing but bring us down to thier level.
Great out look hope it helps someone who might be thinking of doing this.

The BS having an affair brings one more person into the mix who will have their own emotions, their own agenda...and who does not deserve to be used.

I would not have a RA at all.It crossed my mind once and that was it.I am and always will be true to myself and I know that ANY type of A is wrong.I don't see any difference between an A that our WS's have and a RA.They are both premeditated,destructive,painful acts of which I will not demean myself to.I have two daughters to raise and I will show them,despite my WH,what it is to be a person with integrity,loyalty,dignity,respect,strength,willpower and honesty,to name a few.

O

What about just wanting to satisfy your hormones and not make a big deal out of it (meaning starting to date the OP)? What if you are separated and your husband or wife told you to get on with your life because there is absolutely zero chance that they will come back to you?

What if the man/woman (OP) would be happy just being the one you pick to get freaky with? What if you have zero intentions of making it a relationship or anything more than a good, old fashioned f******?

If the OP is married, will you care that there is an unsuspecting wife or husband at home?

Just entertaining some thoughts.........

I know this is going to make me very unpopular, but I had a so-called "revenge" affair, and it all worked out well. I told my husband I was going to do it, he wasn't happy about it, but he accepted it, we wanted to get on with life, and I could not let go of my anger. My anger was an obstacle. It WAS NOT about revenge at all. It was about letting go of anger. It was about being equal to my partner. And about knowing if, when the shoe is on the other foot, could he forgive me. I prefer to call it an "equalizer" affair. I did not want to feel superior to my husband, I wanted us to be equals.
Someone said something about cheaters being losers. So what does that make the betrayed spouse? What's lower than a loser? Someone who's in love with a loser? If we're in love with losers, then what are we? I don't want to look at my husband and think "loser," while I'm way above him.
I'd rather be equal to my loser husband than lord my superior morals over him. So we both did the loser thing, started from scratch. It CAN work.

OC -

I understand how you are thinking.

However, I keep becoming weaker and weaker to being in that same place myself. :-(

I've been praying to God to give me the strength to resist doing this to myself and our marriage.
Although I do not think my husband would care one way or another whether I go out and have sex with someone just because of my raging hormones, I've often wondered if it would get him jealous enough to come back to me.

Who knows.....

Just wondering, what does IDNLYA mean? I couldn't find it in the abbreviations?

IDNLYA: I do not love you anymore.

In my case, my WH told me: ILYBINILWYA ... which is "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore"

I'm a newbie here too.

Thanks. I had to printout an abbreviation cheat sheet and keep it with me as I read these posts. I haven't been told that yet (ILYBINILWY), but we've agreed not to talk about the details of the A or the OM and she was depressed for 3 days last week and wouldn't talk so I assumed that's what it was. Then in counseling this week, I inquired again and basically that's what it was.

oh boy.. I just read about the RA... as to feel equal to your partner.. I think its BS. No offense.. in no way will I stoop so low... will lie and manipulate my husband's emotions.. and just right out play him... to feel equal to him. YEs I feel SUPERIOR..for not being weak, and for not breaking my vows. These days, things are going alright.. there are ups and downs, but you see that's what marriage is everyday is not wine and cheese, but I try to make the best of it. And telling your husband of having sex with someone else isn't really an affair.....he agreed to it really because of his guilt and it worked out fine.. good for you.... My H would love for me to go that low with him ha ha NO! Now why didn't you just have a threesome instead of just telling him? Anyways peace everyone.. and Bog I understand your anger. YOu say all the stuff that I say. And my anger shows toward my H everyday!!!! He even told me that I go back to remind him of the affair. I MUST! That way he knows either he wants to still be married to me or to be freeee.... I don't think he likes being free, but you see things are flipping around because he wanted to be freee.. open marriage stuff he talked about.. wanting for me to share with the OW. Well, see, I don't want to share.. I am starting to have that feeling.. "I'm 22, pretty, curvaceous and good lord do I have candidates!!" I might want to be FREE too! So yeah the anger is still there.

Harudah -

Finally you are back. Please let us know what is going on with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OrangeCrush:

"And about knowing if, when the shoe is on the other foot, could he forgive me."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry if I offend you but if you beleive this then you obviously don't know what forgiveness is really all about.

Don't get me wrong...

I do NOT want to have a revenge affair (or any other sort of affair).

But my husband KNOWS I will not date until the divorce is final. And he has told me (and others) many times that he KNOWS I will NEVER really leave him.

Other than doing a REALLY FIRM Plan B, what can I do, that is not immoral, to make him worry enough to end his affair and start recovery sooner?

I'm willing to bet he thinks he can just continue the affair until the divorce date in September and THEN expect me to stand by him as he STARTS the withdrawal then.

I'm 49, he's 50, he has cancer he's not getting treatment for, our youngest child is 12, and he's a serial adulterer with anger/violence problem. I don't want to waste any more of my life on the chance that maybe he will change someday...

I have read that it takes 3 weeks of no contact to get through the worst part of the withdrawal from the addiction to OP plus another 6 months to really see the OP and the affair for what they really were. The divorce will be final before then (September 18th).

meremortal - Sounds like you have been married and to your H for a long time. You probably dont really remember the "single" life very much.

It can be VERY fun but it also gets old fast. I can tell you for a fact, when you meet another man (that you like) you WILL forget almost instantly about your H, like he alomost didnt exist.

When i used to break up with women it was hard, i missed them alot, right up until i met a new one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I would think to myself, WTF!? was i getting all depressed for and laugh at myself.
Major problem that happens is you will find a new man and your ex- Husband will want you back! (now what?)

That happend with every relationship I have ever had and it's probably true for everyone else.

Hi Bog,

Yes, that's the dilemma exactly!

I'm worried that he will wait until September before ending the affair for good THEN expect me to START the process of withdrawal and recovery.

But I think it will be too late then. It's too much to ask of me to take him back last nanosecond. Already my daughters are predicting that's exactly what he'll do and they say if I would take him back then they would lose all respect for me.

Once the divorce is final I will never look back.
He won't be my problem anymore.

I also do realize that once there's a new man in my life, I will stop feeling 'in love' with my husband. I didn't have much of a single life. I started dating a boy in my senior year of high school. Dated and lived with him for several years. He was having an affair and had developed a drinking problem. He also got violent sometimes when he was drunk. He was working 2nd shift and we rarely saw each other. I switched to that shift at my job and attended an alonon meeting as last efforts to save that relationship. But when I went to 2nd shift I didn't see any more of him - he rarely came home.
When I went to 2nd shift I met my husband. He asked me out for 6 months but I said no until I broke up with my boyfriend and got my own apartment. So as you can see, I really didnt' have a 'single life'... But when I did start dating my husband I forgot about my old boyfriend pretty darn quick and have never looked back. I remember wondering why I had stayed with the old boyfriend so long (not a marriage) and realized he wasn't such a great guy and obviously I could do better. (But maybe it was out of the frying pan into the fire? LOL)

My fear is that my WH won't realize until it's too late. He's so sure he won't ever lose me.

What can I do (without actually dating) to give Plan B some more punch?

I tried not wearing my wedding ring for a while but as my husband rarely sees me that doesn't make much difference. Plus I have really mixed feelings about not wearing the ring.

I didn't send a Plan B letter (told my WH verbally many times though during Plan A and times he pretended he was ready to end affair, what needed to be done). In my case, I think I should NOT send a Plan B letter now. I am already in Plan B and don't want to make contact. And it will just assure him I'm willing to wait. He already is too sure of that IMO.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

meremortal - Sounds like you have your wits about you. Your probably right about your H, you know him probably better then he knows himself.

I dont wear my wedding ring either, it is the symbol of "lies and betrayal and love that was never real". I dont say "love" either, its another no..no.. That word holds no meaning or value when it's spoken. My WW used the "Love" word to a stranger she never met before and vacationed with him for 2 weeks.

It's a crazy screwy world isnt it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I really wonder why the forum 'heavies' love to give us BS's two alternatives only. What is the mantra here? Sh*t or get off the potty? Divorce or work on the marriage? The only two acceptable choices as decreed by?????

The other alternatives are not well tolerated. eg. taking too long to get over it. Or a RA. Well, this is real life and people will do what is in their hearts to do. Us BS don't get a lot of choices, but taking a long time to get over it is one choice - which is not really a choice, it's a state of being. Or we can have a RA for reasons that most BS seem to understand. I completely sympathise with anyone who takes that action. As long as they use protection from STD's.

If you are prepared to lose the marriage, and you are hurting THAT badly and you want your WS to know what it feels like, and you get the opportunity AND you have the wherewithall to cope with the emotional side of it, then do it. I'm all for letting the WS get a dose of their own medicine. Will it make things better? Who knows? Can it make things worse? Possibly. But at least you can feel equal again. Trouble with us BS's is that we are stuck on the high moral ground. Way above our WS's who've behaved so badly that we are now ethically worlds apart from them. If we are able to get right down and dirty, on their level, there is nothing left to forgive on our part after that - coz we've joined them. No, it will never be as shocking as what they did to us - but it will give them the opportunity to think about what, where, when, details, details, details. Give them the opportunity to play it over and over in their minds for how ever long it takes to come to terms with it. It's horrible - but then they started it.

I took 3 months to play around, just once and just briefly. I would not have intercourse with the guy because I didn't know him, and I've never had sex with anyone but my H - so that's a pretty big call for me. But I told my WH about it immediately. That was the point. My H didn't sleep a wink that nite. Without that experience, he would have no concept of what it's been like for me.

I don't believe in God, so I don't have christian restrictions. I don't really think I have it in me to have a full blown RA - or any A, revenge or otherwise. Underneath the mountains of hurt I feel over being betrayed, I don't think I want to do anything to lose my life long friend and partner - even though he's hurt me more than I thought was possible to experience in my life time.

Seeya tomorrow dear!!! (I'll try not to join the mile high club on the way home! - 9 hours though???? Mmmmm)

AN