To my surprise, WH ended A with OW yesterday.

Of course this news came out to me the wrong way, I actually was not able to believe he was working. I got one of those "phone calls" and told him I thought for sure he was with her.

He got really upset for the accusation, but understands now. He said I've never been one to babysit him, but if that what needs to be done until I trust him again, he'll be okay with that.

He gave me my wedding rings back, placed them on my hand and cried to me how sorry he was.

I did find out this was a EA and not a PA. I know I have no reason to believe that, but for some reason I do. He also said that he only met her in person ONCE, the rest of the relationship was built on daily phone calls that lasted long into the mornings.

He told her he was sorry, he was sorry that he lied to her, he was sorry he made her promises he will not be able to keep, he told her that he's always loved his wife, and she just happened to come into our lives at the wrong time. He and I were having really bad problems, and instead of turning to me, he turned to someone else.

I guess the only deflating feeling is we both had some words last night with each other, when he was going to work. It was about trust, and because we set ourselves up to think... the birds would sing and angels would appear on that day he ended A and reclaimed his marriage, it was a little sad.

This is hard work, and I know my work has only begun.

He'll begin to move his belongings back this week.

How do I keep from nagging ? Keep being supportive ? I asked him...what about your feelings for OW ? He said, "OW is gone, with no place for those feelings to GO, they'll just fade away. What I have with YOU, is much stronger, and keeps me going."

That is very, very good news. Now comes the real hard part. Be sure to read the home page "quick clicks" about restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation.

Also try out the recovery board, but please keep us posted.

Thank You Believer.

You reminded me that I still have a lot more learning and reading to do. I'm really liking Plan A and the results I see, so I am going to stay in that.

It really is a wonderful tool. Making my husband feel loved and cared for, makes him happy, and he really appreciates it. I've heard it so much lately, how much effort he's seen on my part. He said it was much to MY effort that gave him strength.

Look for me on the RECOVERY board !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

AWESOME. Glad you get to change boards. Just dont forget us over here huh? This is great, do your best not to bring up OW or A. This tends to create resentment on on WS part, makes them believe you will never trust them and it will push them away again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Trust is a long time coming.
Something was up this weekend.
Can't put my finger on it.
Don't know if I want to.
But I'll work on it. I know I have to.
It still has it's down moments.

Betrayed,

I'm so happy for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How do I keep from nagging ? Keep being supportive ? I asked him...what about your feelings for OW ? He said, "OW is gone, with no place for those feelings to GO, they'll just fade away. What I have with YOU, is much stronger, and keeps me going."

You continue plan A'ing and coming here when you need to sort things out and how to approach situations that are making you crazy. You'll find alot of help here. Maybe now, you can move to the Recovery Board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OW WAS HERE THIS WEEKEND.
WH TOLD HER IN PERSON THAT IT WAS OVER.
OW TRIED VERY HARD NOT TO HANG ON...TO LET GO.
OW LOST HER FIGHT THIS MORNING. OW MADE THE MISTAKE OF CALLING ME AND CALLING ME AND CALLING ME STARTING @ 5:30 AM.

It sounds like the worst thing that could happen, but it ended up being the BEST thing that happened.

WH told her IN PERSON....(and that was a lie he didn't want me to find out because he was trying to protect me.)

OW crossed the line for the last time...she wanted me to come to her hotel room first thing this morning. She told me FWH told her he was going back to his wife, that he was moving back home, and saving his marriage. OW wanted to HELP me. She wanted to tell me everything. She wanted me to promise her I wouldn't let FWH know she called.
She wanted me to know that I deserve BETTER than him.

At first I was upset...but suddenly I had this overwhelming LIGHT go off..and I decided NOT to be the victim anymore.

I CALLED FWH... told him I knew she was there, she called me...gave me her room number..and wanted me to come over there.

FWH showed up at my house within MINUTES. He didn't even bother to get dressed.

It ALL went MY way for a change. I told him he thought for the last time he was going to handle this, that he got himself into it....and he had to get himself out.

I said...NOW...it's getting done MY WAY. If you want to save this marriage..you better stop protecting her...and you better start protecting ME.

I said... GIVE ME YOUR CELL PHONE RIGHT NOW. He handed it over without hesitation...I said...dial her number...he dialed.

She picked up IMMEDIATELY THINKING...MY H was calling her.... NO IT WAS his WIFE ON HIS PHONE !!!!

I told her IN FRONT OF HIM... THAT'S IT... HE IS HERE WITH ME NOW, HE CHOSE ME, HE IS WITH ME, NOTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED OR WAS TOLD TO YOU MATTERS TO ME. THIS IS MY LIFE, MY HUSBAND, AND I'M NOT WALKING AWAY SO YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.

I THEN HANDED HIM THE PHONE...AND SAID ....YOUR TURN.

He told her OFF. He said that he tried to tell her in a different way so not to hurt her feelings...but what she tried to do this morning was wrong..and there is a price to pay for it. He said to her....IN FRONT OF ME.... I told you...I LOVE MY WIFE... I HAVE HURT HER ENOUGH..AND YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CALLING HER IS ENDING RIGHT NOW. He went on to say that he is moving back home tonight..and that every time she calls...or her friends call....it will be HIM ANSWERING THE PHONE....THAT TO GET TO MY WIFE...YOU HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME FIRST.

I feel like the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders. I feel like I won the war after losing many battles along the way. But suddenly I'm empowered...and I'm fighting...and I'm not going down like the victim ANYMORE.

His next instructions were to get the cell phone number changed TODAY....to get the pager number changed TODAY...to get his @ss back home TODAY... that he wants his place...he wants to be the HUSBAND...that now he better step up to the plate.

WAS ANY OF WHAT HAPPENED LB? I can't help it...I'm tired of being the victim...and I feel so much better for letting her know...I'm not going anywhere !

GET IM! If those were LBs then I would have been right there with you doing the same thing. Doesnt mean they werent but I cant see them being that way. YOU were taking some control in this situation and nothing you asked of him was unfair.

Thank you for the support. I guess this is the normal cycle though.

OW gets jilted..and lashes out at the only person that she CAN hurt.

He's hurt enough. She'll never see or realize the remorse my H is feeling. He's made his bed, and must lie in it. He'll carry this scar too. She's 28, she'll move on to OTHER MARRIED MEN...I'M SURE !!!!

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

For once I see the ray of light. FWH changed the cell phone number... just as it was ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREED UPON.

Although I don't have the new number yet... LOL.

But he did call me a little while ago....asking what time I'd be home...and what we would have for dinner.

He's developed ulcers..and his stomach is always a mess. I'll have to find something to make that won't irritate his stomach.

He's been through SO much....I had the folks here...for support, guidance, venting. He's had to struggle this demon alone, and he's paying the price.

He's said the most remarkable things to me recently. Including that I was his best friend, that before me...his life was crap, and he knows without me it will go right back to being crap.

I hope she helped him along with his withdrawal by doing what she did. I think it relieved him of some of the guilt he felt for hurting her.

He sees her for the person she really is now.

It's behind us. We aren't going to beat a dead horse. I'm going to care for him, and be there, and get him back to the strong confident man I fell in love with 6 years ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Betrayed,

It souds like you have won - I hope so.
I to am trying to win my H back - OW called my house at 4am to tell me that h was still seeing her and that she is preg.

H took that not so well. H was in bed with me at the time and I thought we were working on recovery.

H said that he felt relieved that it was out in the open - we are seperated (I threw him out in Oct.).

He had beeen trying to come home for some time but was affraid to tell me. OW helped him make the decision I think by calling me. H never thought she would do that. I think she felt him slipping away because he was spending the nights with me and our kids.

H told me that he told her that he could not believe that she would hurt me that way I was innocent in all of this.

H wants to come home - I want him home - our kids want their daddy.

Should I? Doing plan A with him gets me positive results. Anyone have any ideas? We will have to cover the issue of OW preg of course, but I 've stated what I want and he stated that he does not think he could talk about it or argue about it every single day.

I don't want to give her the satisfaction of discussing her and her situation daily either.

How can I be sure that he's telling me the truth?
Does he really want his marriage? I had filed for divorce in November and when he was served he told me that we could work it out he wanted his marriage.

I want to get to the point that you are in - Help? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It's difficult. Unfortunately for you, the OW is pregnant, but let's not assume it's your H.

Sometimes they even fake pregnancy. My FWH OW claimed that as well, but unless she conceived by immaculate conception, it wasn't going to happen.

Someone here once told me that you KNOW in your heart what you want. You have to believe it, and keep believing it.

It's hard. I'm not going to lie to you. It doesn't go away, and perhaps it never will. I've been through H*LL...and back, and I know I still have a few return trips.

Think about what is in your heart, and it will come to you. Forgiving is the easy part, it's the forgetting that takes all the effort.

The one thing I've realized through all this is sometimes I feel weak, and just really want to fall apart, but I can't. If I fall apart, he falls apart. If he sees a crack in my demeanor, it will scare him, and he'll lose his strength as well.

Talking about it is hard. You can't harp on it every day, and it's difficult not to argue over it because there's so much pain involved with it. But unfortunately, it has to be discussed.

I would start by asking your H...WHY he wants YOU...and why he wants to save the M.

That's a good start. When he tells you JUST LISTEN. He may not say what you're expecting to hear, but you really have to listen.

Keep me posted on how you are doing, I'll be here for you.

BIJ,

Before you break out the champagne,please remember that it is almost never this easy to say good bye and that be it.I really do hope that it is BUT keep your guard up still.Protect your heart in the meantime ok? I had a recent ending of the A(second) too and it was another false one.WH continued the e-mails(secretly)until I snooped and found out and then he started the cell phone calls again.

Make sure WH every MOVE is under your watchful eye during this time of withdrawal.I don't mean to rain on your parade I just want you to be careful.

O

I'm not breaking out any champagne, that's for sure. He definately is hitting the withdrawal part. The only time I really see him engage with me is if he fears I'm losing my patience with the situation and want to throw in the towel.

Then I get the tears, the guilt, the I'm sorry's..please honey please....but he doesn't seem to really HEAR me.

After what this vicious OW has done to me over the last 6 weeks, I felt a lot better when he chose me, and stood up for me.

His mood last night when I got home was too somber. And it really got to me. I don't feel like we'll move past this until he comes home...yet...he wants to come back SLOWLY... bring his stuff home a little at a time.

so far...I haven't seen as much a a pair of socks.

I'm trying to Plan A, but that LITTLE tiny voice in my head is SCREAMING....this isn't going to work on HIS timetable. He says it won't be long..but got irritated last night when I was visibly upset that he was leaving AGAIN for the night. Then gets MAD enough to call me...and lay into me...that I'm not helping him... I said...I want my life back....and I got...WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE ?

Well hmmm...I thought I was your life...that's the crap I've been listening to from you ever since I said I was leaving for good.

There's a part of me that gets stronger every day that tells me...you know what...this is TOO much work from MY end. I didn't do this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Betrayed,

I am praying for you & hoping this is the start of true & lasting recovery.
Try to stay calm, not push & do the best plan a you can right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you BG.
Some days are ups, some are downs. Today was a really good relationship talk day.

We went through the emotional needs questionnaire.

I realized I was really off base with what I thought his EN were !

I'm glad he took the time and went through it with me.

It also gave me an opportunity to explain the 3 stages of Intimacy, Conflict and Withdrawal. I told him every time he leaves, I move to withdrawal out of defense of hurt feelings. This I think was an eye opener for him.

He took time to draw diagrams of what he was trying to do too.

It's not like us to hit some of these issues head on, and we're struggling a bit, but it's far better off than we were 6 months ago.

In my diagram, I drew 3 people, one by themselves, the other two side by side. I explained during my health issues, I was alone with problems. This put a wall between us. While I was going through all that, I made little lines with the other two people, talking about conversation, support, admiration, love, laughter, companionship. He pointed to the two people and all the lines and said.... I was getting this HERE...because I wasn't getting any of it there , and pointed to the stick figure of me.

Than I explained that while all his EN were being met by someone else, I was still alone with all my problems.

This is the most amazing program I've come across in regards to building marriages. I'm so thankful for this site !

That is such good news! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I pray one day soon I'll be at that place w/ my H also.

betrayed

Have to agree...I'm not sure you should be celebrating yet I'm sorry.. it sounds as if he is stalled..has he brought any of his clothes home yet?

It is a good sign that he is talking about emotional needs but I still see him deep into the withdrawal and a huge red flag is he has not brought any clothes back and wants to move back slowly?? Why? What is he waiting for?

Not trying to be negative.. just the way I'm seeing it.. I would press him on why he isnt moving back in if he isnt still on the fence about the OW..

Lmh

He began bringing his clothes back today.
He also brought my truck to the shop to have the tires rotated, took my truck to get it washed.

He's spending every available minute with me when he's not at work, accept to go home and sleep at his mom's.

He made a point today, that up until last week, we only talked about him coming home when we were both ready. I was honest when he first expressed a desire to come home, and I told him I wasn't ready at that point, because I was not strong enough to not LB.

Now we've both agreed it's time, I want him to come home, he wants to come home. Our lives have been disrupted a lot over the last 6 weeks. We've been together for 6 years, another week or so won't kill us, and who knows it might even make us stronger.

Someone told me once before here, and I've repeated it a time or two for good measure...just because we don't see progress where we THINK we should see it...doesn't mean it's not being made.

Perhaps without me PUSHING, OR RUSHING, OR SHOVING him off the fence, I can be comfortable that my H chose me, because he loved me, because he wanted to make the marriage work. He made those decisions HIMSELF. I'll never wake up a morning in my life wondering if I FORCED his decision.

Maybe it's like diaper training...if you do it too soon...there's only more messes to clean up. But if you wait until everyone is really READY to undertake the task...it's more successful.

Perhaps I won't have him falling off the wagon, and going back to the OW as part of the recovery.

I'm gaining more strength and belief in my marriage every day. How can I protest something that's helping my marriage ? There IS no timetable anywhere. It's better to ride the waves than crash against them.