I dont think you are protesting something that is helping your marriage by asking him to come home now to work on it.. I guess I dont understand what could he possibly have to wait to move home for.

I just see it as he is still on the fence but if you are ok with it its up to you.. You dont care then that he can see her or talk to her when he's not in your physical presence? I just cant imagine doing that to my husband. He is either ready to commit to you totally or not.. which is it? As Snowbelle has stated in another post, "in order for you to regain trust and love in your marriage, he needs to take ACTION."

How honest is he being with you right now?

I cant believe I am alone in feeling that he needs to show you he cares and is ready to fight for your marriage by moving back home.. The fact he hasnt moved back is a red flag.. its not only me who thinks so.. Im sorry. You have the last word its your marriage I'm just telling you what I see as the FWW.. and I think he's still having the best of both worlds.. I wish for your sake he would see he is only prolonging the agony by not ending it totally with the OW.

Wishing you the best,
Lmh

Wonderful news. There will always be red flags but you need to be on top of his ENs and his feelings and the red flags move to green quite quickly. Maybe he is not ready to move home - he maybe slightly confused by his mother (She may be suggesting he takes it slowly) Isn't that where he was staying I may have confused that with another thread. Sorry if I have!

My situation is very very similar to yours, husband had an EA and when the OW realised she was losing the fight it got nasty and H saw her for what she was. He did have moments when emails would fly between them, but I was right there to meet his ENs and he realised quite quickly she really had nothing left to offer him.

The other thing I will say is once your H starts having his ENs being met by you and like you said you hadn't really realised what you both needed he will not need this OW at all. She will move on (likely to another unsuspecting victim) and your marriage will be the best ever.

I still get days when I think are they are aren't they in contact, but I have to just look at what I have now and be happy that we have got the best relationship ever. I don't like to say good has come out of all this but it has - it opened mine and my H eyes to what we were missing and it has made us understand what we both need. To put it bluntly it very much keeps us on our toes!

Life is great. (18 months on)

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: Britt777 ]</small>

Just ask him why he isnt moving home and see what his reasons are. Red flags dont always turn green and her H is in the fog yet if he still cant commit to moving home.. his mother should have no say about any of this and that reason makes no sense..He is a married man not a child.

He is in the fog of denial and living 2 lives as long as he cant commit to moving home..

Plan A is great but being a doormat only prolongs the agony of his indecision and fog.
Lmh

OW IS GONE.

I have NO doubt in my mind. I've taken all necessary precautions to make sure she is GONE.
And so has my H. She isn't sneaking back into my life today, tomorrow, the next day or the next year. If I keep up my CRAP... than I'll be replaced with another. Never EVER EVER forget...EVERYONE is replacable....no one is ABOVE or BEYOND indisposal.

He has absolutely no WAY to be in touch with her, much less any desire to be in contact with her.

I didn't have to burn that bridge SHE did. If he had chosen the other side of the proverbial "fence" we keep referencing...than I would have stepped back. I certainly wouldn't have taken further steps. She made the decision to try to "TAKE ME AWAY" once he decided he wanted ME and our MARRIAGE. I heard the words myself...it wasn't overheard, it was an IN YOUR FACE THING.

There ARE no red flags. If you want to talk about RED FLAGS....I should have seen the RED FLAGS 6 months ago when my marriage started to go down the tubes. FORTUNATELY.... we have the FOUNDATION BUILT STRONG ENOUGH TO NOT WALK AWAY WITHOUT FIRST TRYING EVERYTHING WE CAN !!!

There IS no fence sitting. He is taking ACTION. I am taking ACTION. I'm not sitting her everyday WONDERING....we are in CONSTANT communication...CONTINUOUS... I'VE NOT BEEN LEFT WITH ONE MOMENT THAT I HAVE TO WONDER IF HE'S TALKING TO HER. She has my home phone number... don't think for a MINUTE she wouldn't call to let me know he called her ! Because oh yeah...she would...she has.... her friends have... constantly....over the last 6 weeks.

He's not talking about prolonging this over a period of weeks or months. We're talking about a few days...this weekend at BEST ?

I don't see where the concern is ? He has NO time unaccounted for. We both have jobs that keep us VERY busy.... he's not waiting around the house just looking at his clothes wondering if they're going to move themselves by metamorphisis. And I don't have time to go over and physically move them for him.

IN MY OPINION..... from DDAY to recovery has been 6 weeks....I think we've done PRETTY DARN WELL CONSIDERING THE HORRIBLE DESTRUCTION MY MARRIAGE SUFFERED OVER A PERIOD OF MORE THAN 6 MONTHS.

Do not assume that ALL WS go through recovery, back to OW, back to recovery. That's not always true, and in this case, it's not appearing to be that way.

My H is dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse to the point he has ulcers. He's not lying on the floor kicking his feet saying...I don't want to come home yet..... he's COMING home.

Many marriages go through this process with the WS NEVER leaving the home...while others actually have the WS move IN with the OP until the FOG clears.

For ME...and MY MARRIAGE.... this has been a rough but necessary road. We've spent months withdrawing from each other, hurting each other, and beating the living H#LL out of each other.

What's a couple weeks of time patience and understanding in comparison ?

He wakes up in the morning...he's HERE...for coffee before we go to work.... he gets done work...he's HERE waiting for me to get home. He is making tremendous progress and so am I.

If his MOVING back home within 48 hours of us making this decision is an indication of his lack of ACTION... than I'm looking in the wrong darn place !

What difference does it make what path is taken as long as we both end up in the place we both want to be ?

As a matter of fact, most of the responses I get encourage me NOT to push, rush or NAG. They encourage me to Stay in Plan A... be patient.

Yes, there's a big change in me..... I woke up yesterday morning and decided NOT to be the victim ANYMORE. I'm a woman on a mission...and I won't let ANYTHING OR ANYONE....INCLUDING MYSELF.... FOIL IT.

betrayed

Wow your anger directed at me makes me feel strange.. was only giving my opinion but i wont post to you again.

I'm glad you are happy with things that are happening with your H right now..thats all that matters.. take care

I agree with you LMH, she needs to be a tad more cautious at first. Our D-day was 3 years ago and we still have issues pop up. It's not that easy to just forget and forgive...

I never said it was easy to forgive and forget.

All I'm saying is this is hard work. It's not easy, it's not rushable. It takes patience, and a lot of effort.

I HAVE to remain positive. If I let negative thoughts intrude, this will only result in LB on my part.

I know me well enough. It doesn't take much right now to make me have doubts. I know I'll have them, for a long time to come.

This isn't a guarantee....but I have to give it 100% of myself...100% of the time.

I just wanted to wish you all the best. I'm glad to hear you're making progress with your H. Best wishes to you both on recovery.

Thank You Jaded.

FWH started moving back stuff yesterday, and spent the night last night.

He didn't stay up past when I went to bed.

I asked this morning over coffee, if he'd been contacted in any way...he said no...and then asked if I had...I said no. I asked if he thought that was odd ? He said...would YOU contact me after that ? I said...well I Would..but I'm obviously crazy...so I don't count. He said....well she better don't.

We had a great night. We agreed on what was for dinner tonight.

I don't see signs of withdrawal. He seemed far more depressed and further in withdrawal when he wasn't WITH me.

Keep praying and hoping....I am.

FWH spending more time with me. Continues to move stuff back home. Meets me at the office for lunch. Continous contact, even if it's only an encouraging voicemail if I'm tied up and not by my office phone.

Had a trigger last night...set me back a little. I feel myself withdrawing....fear.... I suppose....I have to get right back in the saddle again...and I'm beating a dead horse.

Some days I realize I'm no further ahead than I was 6 weeks ago.

Jersey I told you things would trigger you when you least expected it. Control yourself. If you need to vent do it here. Dont lay anymore guilt on him and keep remembering that you love him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm prayin for ya.

I don't the the WS can ever begin to imagine the depth of pain they caused with their indiscretions.

It makes you doubt everything about yourself. It makes you doubt everything in your life. Suddenly it's like everything is tainted.

These feelings are more intense than any love I've ever known.

I'm willing to keep trying. That's all I can do. At some point, there is no longer such a thing as damage control.

Still taking one day at a time.

You will doubt for a long time, I wont lie to you. Eventually though you will begin to trust again. Just remeber what you said about controlling the situation. YOU can only control you. Prayin for you too.

I've begun little Mantras in my head when I feel these thoughts start to creep up.

I know wanting to find out the truth, and trying to put it all behind me at the same time causes internal struggle.

I have to resign myself to the fact I'll NEVER know the truth, I wasn't there...I don't know...and anything that comes out of his mouth or her mouth is lies to me...more pain...more betrayal and more lies.

I gave him his walking papers, and he walked..no crawled back to me. That's what I wanted isn't it?

THAT is the question of the day....isn't this what I wanted ?

Hope you're not posting today cause you and H are having such a great time. Whos slackin now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I couldn't get into the site !
I felt withdrawal from here.
Weekend isn't QUITE over.
We've made GREAT progress.
It looks like he'll be home for good this week.
We talk about A VERY little...but I will bring it up if I need to...which has only been once.

How YOU doing ?

After he leaves tonight...I'll jump back on and go over some issues.

Glad to hear that things sre going well. W took off for the WE to see her friend. The couple times we talked on the phone things were fine, she was actually nice. My youngest D got the flu last night and I had been giving W updates simply because I would want to know if the roles were reversed. Called her tonight after she got back to tell her things were better. Told her I was glad she made it home safely and inquired as to how her aunt was. Her uncle died Sat morning. I then asked where the visitation was being held. At that point she blew up on me. We had to have that "I dont have an agenda and I'm not prying talk again." She did apologize later, so we'll see how it goes the next couple days. Have MC on Tues so we'll hang on thill then and see what happens. Sorry to hijack your thread, but you asked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FWH ended up not leaving last night after all. He'll be moving the rest of his things today I believe. He just doesn't want to leave.

We had a great weekend. I was right about the OW burning her own bridge, he has absolutely no feelings for her, and is pretty sure whatever it was he DID feel was definately not love.

He said it couldn't be love, it wasn' built on anything, and there was nothing to build. When asked what made his FOG life...he said...I could see you giving up...and when I realized I would really lose you if I didn't pull my head out of my butt...it snapped me back in reality.

I asked him...why do you love me ? He said...it's simple... I said simple ? He said it's EASY. Before you came into my life...it was complicated...and messy...since I met you...everything flows. I saw once I made the decision to come home...it happened right away...the flow.

We had a GREAT weekend. Doing nothing, just being US. But we did put a LOT of his things away that he moved back home during the week. My H is SUCH a clothes freak....he could clothe a small country.

I can't believe I made it through this. I'm only 1 week into recovery...but I already see the clouds lifting. The man I married is back, mind, body, heart, and soul. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'll post to you over on your thread...it's okay...you can hijack my post any time you'd like.