If you feel with your heart of hearts that your mate has strayed or is at least considering it, how do you tell if you're just nuts or just being silly? If you have no concrete evidence, (only strange behavior) what do you do? Even after confronting your mate, and he or she denies it..yet you still believe something's just not right??

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Thanks. Somehow you got the impression I'm the husband, but I'm the wife. Just wanted to make that clear first!

My husband doesn't even use the computer at home. He works outside all day, and he made it a point to tell me he talks to female employees all day long, on the phone (he's a phone technician). I've had an emotional affair with a coworker in the past, so I know it can happen. I'm not crazy to think it can start with simply talking to someone on the phone, but he seems to think it is nuts.

I have signs, like him always not coming home straight after work when we've had a disagreement the day/night before, no call logs on his cell bill for the past couple of months, telling me I'm not meeting his sexual needs when he's not initiating either, being defensive about questions and trying to turn scenarios around on me, flipping over to avoid having to face me in bed when conversations get too deep..a lot of things. We've been having problems for a long time now. Before I had the emotional affair, I told him he needed to start paying more attention to me. He didn't, and still isn't. That was 4 years ago, and we've been married 7. Now, it seems he's the one who's feeling how I felt, so I feel it's only natural to develop interest in someone else, even though you may not want to. Difference is, when he confronted me about it, I didn't deny it. I wanted things to work out with him. But to this day, he spends more time with his basketball, friends, work, whatever, than me, and is just emotionally absent. I really don't care if he is cheating. That's how numb I am. I just don't want him bringing anything home to me.

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Whether you are nuts or not.........
maybe for now, assume he is cheating and think to yourself
"Hmmmmm, if I knew that he were, what would I do differently? Spend more time with him than I am right now? Make him be more revealing of his whereabouts, call him many times a day to chat, etc?"

Then, just try not to love bust and try to work on making the relationship solid from your side. Meanwhile be aware of oppurtunities to check up on his days.
Ultimately, I've decided it is best to feel the angst yet not try to prove it but try to improve the marriage (whether they really have strayed or not)

Time may tell.

Perhaps this forum is not for me. I'm angry, and I'm at the point where I don't know if I want to work things out anymore. My husband just stormed out of the house, and threw a tantrum like a child. He threw his dinner in the trash, dropped food on the floor and left it, and walked out the door. This is what I've come to expect after arguments. I didn't want to talk to him. But he approached me, got loud in front of our kids, and made a you know what of himself. I was not giving into it. I'm leaving the food he dropped on the floor. The only way it'll get picked up is if the cat eats it. I'm not going to concede anymore. He wants to be a baby, let him. I'm sick of it. He wants to cheat? Let him! You cannot stop your man from doing what he wants, no matter how hard you try. I have tried. I've poured my heart out, I've literally begged and pleaded. No more. It's time for him to step up and show he's interested, even though I don't care one way or another right now. My heart is hardened.

No, no, no. Don't give up yet! Has he always been this way or has it just been recent. He may be feeling the guilt. Don't walk away yet because you only THINK your heart is hardened at this moment. Believe me I have been there and back and back again. The hurt will come and you may wish that you handled it differently. I have come to regret many of the ways in which I have handled it because of angry, hurt feelings. Just wait until you are calm to make a decision.

That's just it. I AM calm. For me, this IS calm. The old me (like a couple of months ago), would have headed straight for the casino. But since I've barred myself from those, I have to find other ways of dealing with problems. I'm not seeing a counselor, even though I have, and should be now. I'm not angry. I feel I can think clearly, clearer than ever. He has thrown tantrums before. I precisely remember an occasion when we got a phone call (privacy manager picked up), it turned out to be a girl we once both worked with. He used to like this girl, mind you. I wondered why she was calling, yet refused the call. He asked me who it was, and I told him. He SNAPPED. He said I didn't know who she wanted or what she wanted, I had no right to deny the call..blah, blah, blah. I asked him was he expecting her call, and he said no. But he kept insisting it was probably for him, even though we both knew her. He wouldn't leave it alone. He literally got in my face and was yelling at me. I pushed his face out of mine, and he knocked me to the floor. I immediately called the police, but he left before they arrived. I packed clothes for me and the kids, and went to my parents'. He has a temper. It's not the first time he's put his hands on me, but I ignore it. Probably shouldn't..most definitely shouldn't, but do. He calls me profane names when angered, things you'd never think a husband would call his wife. I feel I need to leave, but I'm unemployed, and don't want to break up our home. (Even though it's already broken).

Your marriage is already broken. You cannot put up with his behavior any more. Please get some counseling or go to a women's support group.

You're right, I can't, and I won't. I'm tired of denying, tired of accepting, tired of covering up. I can't breathe. I just want to breathe. Don't get me wrong..I've done my share of dirty work. But when you've come to a point where you see it's not just about what you've done, no matter how much he tries to tell you it is, it's time to DO something. Can counseling make you even like your husband again? I look at him and cringe. I literally do not like him, as a person. We are not friends. He's a monetary provider to me, and that's all. That's how I see my husband. He sees me as a maid. That's just about what I am to HIM, but you best believe I love my kids. I want therapy to heal myself, but not the marriage. He is NOT the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I can say that with conviction now.

Lost,

Often we need to get peoples attention before we can talk to them. It looks like this is one of those cases.

I believe your leaving is a good thing. It SHOULD get HIS attention. While all of us have problems, what you have experianced is abuse, and you know it. I recommend you DO not go back to him, or spend time with him until the problems can be addressed. I DO NOT mean just having him say "I am sorry, I will do better. I mean marriage counseling, anger management, and/or whatever else you feel needs to be addressed. For instance you may aggree to meet him with him and a Marriage Counseler but not with him alone.

You are not imaginging things, this is not normal behivor, and it is not right.

Remember that you have choices. You could have simply left and filed for D. You did not have to come to MB - but you did, and that tells me that you would like to find a way to make this work.

Remember that you still have those choices. We encourage people to save their marriages in almost all cases, but you can leave him if you wish - and if you work on this for a time and he never responds you still have that choice. By coming here you do not give up your choices.

Perhaps this forum is not for me. I'm angry, and I'm at the point where I don't know if I want to work things out anymore.

This fourm is a support group for people that have marriage problems. I can tell you from personal experiance that the concepts you learn here (meeting needs, avoiding love busters) do work. If you can't, or don't want to save your marriage, you can still improve yourself, your relationship with your children, and be a happier person if you will learn these concepts, and apply what you learn.

You can still get support here for the pain you are going through also - so please stick around for a while.

I recommend you get the Book "His Needs, Her needs" and read that as a starter. You should also read Dr Harleys basic concepts as found on the main part of this website.

Please don't make any decisions while you are angry. Many have changed their minds, and made things work, even after they had once given up. If you are right and it is time to end your marriage, waiting a week or two won't make much difference.

You're right, I can't, and I won't. I'm tired of denying, tired of accepting, tired of covering up. I can't breathe. I just want to breathe.

You should not deny, or accept. The truth needs to come out, but in the right way. There are right and wrong ways to do this. In many cases - after you have thought about this in the safety of your parents home, you will see that there may still be something to save. If so, this site can help you.

Don't get me wrong..I've done my share of dirty work. But when you've come to a point where you see it's not just about what you've done, no matter how much he tries to tell you it is, it's time to DO something.


One of the things you can and should address is your share of the dirty work. There are always two sides to a story, and even if this is 99% his fault - or 99.9999999 percent his fault, there are still things you can do to improve you. Since you can't change him, you can and should work on you.

If you can successfuly change you, and he still does not want to reconcile, you will know you have done all you could, and you will also improve your chances to have a happy and successful marriage in the future, no matter who you are with.

Can counseling make you even like your husband again? I look at him and cringe. I literally do not like him, as a person. We are not friends. He's a monetary provider to me, and that's all. That's how I see my husband.

No, it can't MAKE you like him, but if you can both learn how to meet each others needs, and not LB, then you will fall back into love. I can tell you that this part works - and I can tell you from PERSONAL experiance. I can also tell you that after watching thousands of people come here and improve their own marriages. There really is hope if you want hope. Remember though, this is your choice - you have freedom.

He sees me as a maid.

If that's how he sees you, then there probably are things YOU can change too. It is seldom that one party alone causes the descruction of a Marriage. Usually one party starts it, and the other - because they don't really know what is happening - responds in ways that make things worse, instead of making them better. It is natural, and it happens all the time, but coming here can give you information about how to break that cycle.


That's just about what I am to HIM, but you best believe I love my kids. I want therapy to heal myself, but not the marriage. He is NOT the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I can say that with conviction now.

Once he was dear to your heart, and he could be again - I have seen it happen. Once you were in love with him, and forever seemed too short a time to have to spend with him. Those feelings CAN come back - but after it gets to this point it takes a lot of work.

I recommend you do get therapy to heal yourself, and please think about what we have said, and please wait a few weeks before telling every one that it is over. For now, you can just say you are thinking about what to do.

I hope with all my heart that a year from now, your user name will be Found72.

We care, but we are just people like you that take care of kids, work, and work on their marriage troubles. I recommend you get professional counseling also to to help you know what happened. I recommend you go with him for a while (if he will go) even if you decide your M is over. It would help you to figure out what happened and how to prevent it ever happening again.

IN the meantime, we will help as best we can.

SS

<small>[ April 07, 2004, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thank you for your good advice. I will take all points into consideration, and not make any hasty decisions. All I'm doing now is thinking. I haven't even spoken any of my thoughts to him yet. That's probably not a good idea, but it feels better this way. I only get more angry after I talk to him. Thank you again.

We want you to be happy - We really want you to be happy. Please let us know how you are doing from time to time. There are people in the world that care about you.

Would It be alright if I prayed for you, and your family?

SS

Pickles is right. Great advice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Ali

Lost,
You've rec'd a lot of great advice. Give it more time. Just when you think you hate your WS, something will give. PROMISE.... It's strange, but feelings aren't meant to last forever. We feel happy one day, sad the next, and angry another day. It's amazing, but we can feel "in-love" with our spouses one minute and hate them the next. I believe that as we work through the "growth-spurts" than we can see our way through tough times. I am going through quite a bit with my WS right now, but I have some hope. We actually were intimate last night. It isn't the same, but I believe it was a step in the right direction. A few days ago, before I posted here, I had nothing but DISGUST for him and I cried every hour. I wouldn't even let him touch me. Now, I'm a little better... Stay positive and keep giving others advice. I think it will help you see through your own issues. I know it's working for me. Thanks for your reply to my "pain".

Sure, prayer would be good. Thank you. I'm afraid my husband and I are nowhere close to being intimate. For the second day in a row, he didn't call all day to check on me, and he strolled in the house after 9:00 last night smelling of alcohol. I told him, in a calm manner, that he has kids here. I told him it's obvious he doesn't care about me, but he has kids. He told me I could have called him. I told him I don't need to chase behind him. He says I could have called if I needed something. Well, I didn't.

He's just being secretive, quiet, and distant. He kind of tip-toes around..like he's not even here. He's neglecting things that need to be done around the house. He gives money, but asks no questions. I've had a major toothache for the past few days, but he shows no concern. I am one who believes if a person cares about you, he will show it. If he doesn't, he will show that too.

I'm so hurt, I don't even want to talk. I'm just working thoughts through in my head.

There are major differences in the way Men and Women do things. Many men consider it an intrusion to just help - becase you just don't do that, you ask when you want someone in your space. Many women see that reaction as not caring.

I want to say again - the down ward spirial starts, and unless something is done to stop it, it never ends. It doesn't matter what the cause is, or who started it, someone has to get off first. Since you are here - it would be logical for you to learn how to do that - if not, it is already over. Someone has to say: "If we continue like this, we will end up hating each other, how about we start over and see if we can do this another way."

I know he is not doing all that he should, he may not be doing anything that he should, but you can break the cycle. There is no reason for you to act like he is acting - you can do better. What kind of person do you want to be? One that gives back what they get? Or one that is consistantly good, no matter what they get? This is a great chance for you to do things differently - please think about it, you know what I mean.

I am not trying to shut you down - things do need to be worked on, and your feelings and needs need to be addressed, but there has to be a start. One of you has to break out of the down hill fight. It would be better to leave for a while, than to continue what is happening now.

I want to tell you again, that what you learn here CAN WORK, but you have to learn it, and you have to do it.

How much have you read of the basic concepts? Do you have any questions about what you read?

SS

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I definitely need to review the basic concepts. I joined this forum back in 2002, and just recently started posting again (a few days ago). I know I am usually the one who says we need to do better, we need to talk..blah, blah, blah. I am done with that. One can't make the marriage work. If that were possible, there'd be no need for communication at all. Aside from money, I do not need this man in my life. He is bringing nothing but pain and sorrow, and now I want it to end.

That brings me back to my posting. The last thing I want to do is discourage any couples out there trying to fix their marriages. I am closer and closer to the point where I don't feel it's fixable nor do I care to fix it. I once had hope, but any inkling that was here is GONE. My marriage is totally incapale of being salvaged. I believe that with every fiber of my existence.

The last thing to try is to go to plan B.

Then you are protected, and if he wants to make it work, there are things he has to do before you get back together.

I re-read my last post, and I think I made it sound like you have to do all the work.

If you have already done it once, you can separate and not get back together unless he does it this time.

If you know it is finished, you can make plans, and end it. You ARE free to choose -

You sound bitter, I am sorry it has come to this.

Are you doing OK from day to day? Are the kids happy, or do they get the fallout from what is happening between the two of you?

How is the rest of your life going?

SS

OK,
I have gone back and read a few of your old posts - and a few of your current posts to others.

You are a smart gal. I don't think you need the basic help I was trying to give. You are beyond that already. I know you need emotional support - hope you get that from family and in-person friends as well as getting it here.

Please tell me what you would like to do this time around. I don't think you are quite ready to give it all up - After all, you did come back here and you are communicating with us.

I know your heart aches for what might have been. I know things are really bad at home - and I realize this is an understatement. I know you wonder about the future, for yourself as well as for your children.

Will you do something for me? Will you think about why you are here, and what you want the future to look like. Will you come back and lets talk about that? Please tell me what your hopes are - I am thinking you may still have some....deep down inside, where we keep our dreams.

I have been praying for you since yesterday - for you, and your children, and your H, who may need it more than you do.

I want you to know again, people care about you.
SS