My H had revealed the full extent of the affair this January 2004. It had been ongoing since a little over 1 year. I found out in Dec 2003 but all the details were revealed bit by painful bit.To me over this time. I had found the MB web site and got alot of good info. We had agreed to work on our problem and refocuse on us, We had wrote the NC letter and sent it. He had no contact with her till she contacted him mid feb 2004. And it all started up again.I was unaware of it and he contined to lie to me time after time. We worked on fulfilling each others emotional needs. We did alot of work but I think that I was doing all the work and he was just following me to keep me happy. He now tell me that he doesn't love me would like to leave but our $ situation can not permitt this at this time. They are no longer seeing, talking to each other. She had been lying to him never respected his wishes to stop all communication. She had told someone that she had a new lover,and she would sent My H emails and than say that it wasn't meant for him. It was meant for someone else.She lied to him and it blew up in her face. I ask him daily if she has contacted him he tells me NO. I tell him that the lies hurt more than knowing the truth. I hope it is the truth. He has this time agreed to conselling this time. We has both read alot but he doen not see the positive side to alot of what is said here. He doesn't really understand how filling emotional needs will allow us to fall in love again. I am trying hard but am having a really hard time with the situation and the fact that the affair started up again has really taken alot out of me. I find I get alot of support here and that everyone understand what is happening. I really am confussed.

kak,
I'm one of those people here on the MB forum who are a combination of a ray of hope and nightmarish. The good--4 years of recovery after the bad--2+ years of multiple D-days and 7 separations. My H actually still works in the same complex as the FOW, but she ended up dating his best friend and housemate, while the A was ongoing.

What you are dealing with is an ongoing affair. Affairs, like the one your H is in, go hand-in-hand with lying to both the spouse and the affair partner.

You can spend another couple months in Plan A, or you can go to Plan B and force a separation.

I personally did not do well with B, but there are those here who have. I did a very long Plan A, 18 months, followed by the 7th separation during which I served divorce papers.

My H decided at that point that he didn't want the OW, he did want me & our daughter...and then he saw the value of MB and did his own Plan A on me...because by that time, almost 2 years after his A & distancing began, I didn't want him back. My lovebank was empty, I knew that I had done everything I could and I had no regrets for my effort.

I was able to do such a long Plan A because I had a very good Christian counsellor, it actually is contrary to MB to Plan A so long. But it did serve to prove to my H that I was serious about our marriage, that I did (do) love him and I was committed. So, when all of that disappeared with the advent of divorce papers...he "got it".

Resumption of the affair hurts the BS. It is one more loss of hope and effort in a well of loss.

But, I survived it...it must be possible to do so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . And, our marriage is pretty good, we love each other, we're glad to be with each other. I have no regrets for taking that 7th chance at recovery, which meant of course, stopping the divorce.

We'll renew our vows Monday morning with his Army chaplain before he is deployed to Afghanistan later that morning. (It might not seem like a good outcome...but the marriage is solid, and, I know I can live on my own with my daughers and I support my husband as a soldier.)

I'd just advise you to decide if you want your marriage or not. I always believed the optimal outcome would be an intact, happy marriage, and so that was my desire for my future. When years had passed and it seemed that it was a goal that was not going to be met, I did take charge and pursue the divorce myself, but that is an action that no one should take until you are ready as a BS to be divorced.

If your H will go to counseling, do it. If he won't go, go without him.

Best Wishes