I have been married for 15 years (we have 1 teen daughter) Over our whole marriage my husband has kept HUGE secrets from me (LIES), which he would reveal bits and pieces of at various times in our life together.

Over the last 7 years he has admitted to having an encounter with a man approx 13 years ago, embezzlement (approx 7-8yrs ago-never caught) in the 5 digit area, 2+ years ago he wrote bad checks in the 5 digit range, he had to declare emergency bankruptcy to keep from going to jail. In July of last year, I came home from work to find HE HADN'T PAID 5 BILLS & our utilities were going to be cut off. With no explanation other than "I'm paying the bills"... I was forced to pay all the bills and asked him to leave until he got therapy & did some soul searching about his "lifestyle" choices! He moved back home in August, and 2 weeks later said, we're moving out of state, but I'm going first. (daughter & I would follow later)

Brings me to a call I received from him the other night...While talking to him he blurted out that he had gone to dinner ALONE with a married female coworker. He even told me her husband was furious and asked her if my H new HE had a GUN! But my H still went to dinner with her!!! He keeps saying it was nothing, he doesn't like her, her personality, etc... SO WHY GO TO DINNER WITH HER THEN... DOES HE ACTUALLY THINK I'M THAT STUPID???!!!

He also mentioned that a friend of ours was going to loan us money so my daughter & I could join him in a few weeks!!! I freaked on him and have hardly spoken to him since then. I have told him 3 times that we are not moving to where he is! And he is insisting that he is COMING to get us no matter what...

He saw nothing wrong with spending an evening alone with a married coworker and sees nothing wrong with taking money from a friend! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

I'm just sick about this & I'm ready to give up... It seems everytime my H blows it and I forgive him, he does something else to screw it up and make our lives impossible again! I TOTALLY DON'T TRUST HIM! I feel like a total fool for having believed that he would change!

If you have any words of wisdom-(hope)-they would be appreciated.

Yikes -

There is some problem here that you may not be seeing. My step-daughter is bi-polar, and does similar things when she is on the manic part.

Or does he have any addictions? Whatever it is, he needs to get some medical help. How does he treat you and his family?

Thanks for your reply "believer"!
I was hoping to hear from someone!

My H has not been physically abusive to me or to our daughter, but he has been emotionally & verbally abusive. His Father and an older sister are deceased. He has NO relationship with his older brother and has a manipulative/codependent relationship with his mom.

We (as a couple) have been to a total of 6 marriage counselors (many PHDs) and as soon as they get close to what the core issue for him is - he quits saying that the "counselor is a quack (or whatever) and isn't helping me (or us)". When anything gets uncomfortable or too close for comfort for him, he runs. He has admitted to me and to his last counselor that he will lie and manipulate to defend himself or to keep anyone from really knowing him.

His last therapist had him convinced he was an "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACOA) - which YES he is - but basically she told him that HE was NOT RESPONSIBLE for his behaviors or decisions, that his ACOA was responsible. That the ACOA is why he lies, cheats, steals and manipulates. I flipped - any counselor worth anything will tell the person their counseling that THEY are responsible for their own actions, thoughts, feelings etc. So he basically left his latest counseling sessions (approx 8 visits) with the newfound -"I'm not responsible for my actions" attitude.

I've been reading about personality disorder. I think he may have some type of disorder where he is not able to bond with others, and doesn't see things as clearly black & white. He does seem slightly manic at times, but not to any extent that I would say "Yes without a shadow of a doubt he is definitely bi-polar." (We have friends & some relatives that are bi-polar so I am familiar with it.)

He is "friends" with the world, and always wants to be the one to buy dinner, or pick up the tab. He is literally LOVED by everyone who knows him, because outwardly he has such a great outlook on life, and is the life of the party. He is outwardly always concerned for others and goes to sacrificial lengths to help others. He also tends to lean toward OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). EXAMPLE: A friend of ours is going through a divorce right now, and while we were supporting him, my H spent almost every waking moment with this man - taking him to work out at the gym, out to dinner, going to his home, etc. He became obsessed with our friend and his situation and I kept telling him, we are having problems of our own... (during this time was when I asked him to leave - because he spent all his time with this friend and let our bills, etc. go to hell).

IT IS VERY FRUSTRATING... BECAUSE MY H IS A GREAT GUY...OUTWARDLY
But to my daughter & I (even to his Mom) he is continuing to live a lie, with a life in constant turmoil, upheaval, and craziness. He keeps telling me (daily) that he is "changing" and "trying his best"... He keeps asking me "what do you want me to do?" The last time he asked this, I told him you need to stick to the plan I laid out when you moved out...
1. become accountable with your money
2. become accountable with your time
3. begin to establish & build "trusting" relationships with our daughter & me
4. get some quality (serious) christian counseling/therapy (short/long term)

He has not met these simple 4 things I asked him to start building on. Our pastor even told him to just start with one and work at it with all he had in him... and he couldn't even do that.

Now I'm at the point where, enough is enough...
I cannot continue to live this way!
(sorry this is so long - there is MUCH MUCH MORE - but I don't want to scare my first reply away - LOL)

Thanks for bearing with me!
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS DO LORD...
  Help me to HOPE again,
  Help me to TRUST again,
  Help me to RESPOND RIGHTLY,
  Help me to LOVE again...
  Thank you Lord!</font></li>

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<small>[ April 09, 2004, 01:42 AM: Message edited by: want2Bloved ]</small>

My WH is an ACOA, and guess what, he is exactly like yours. He is very well liked by everyone. He will do anything for anyone. That is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

So that counselor might be right. If I were you I think I would start in Plan A for awhile. He is feeding you BS by saying he is not responsible. Just like an alcoholic, an ACOA is not to blame for how they got to where they are, but is RESPONSIBLE to get the necessary help.

THANKS BELIEVER

Yes I do believe my H is an ACOA, BUT PLEASE... it is not an excuse to take personal responsibility for his actions. Even though I am saddened at knowing you go through the same stuff... it is also comforting to know that there is someone else out there who goes through it too... Its not so lonely that way.

Thanks for replying and letting me know - you've been (& are) there too.

Thanks again

<small>[ April 10, 2004, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: want2Bloved ]</small>

WELL...

It happened we had "the talk" last night. I laid it on the line with H and told him that I have been struggling for the last week to decide if I am going to give him 1 last chance: on the condition that he meet the 4 conditions (in my second post here) OR if I am going to separate from him now & file for child & spousal support. He was defensive and apologetic at first, later he became accusatory, but I was able to keep focused and continued to lay it on the line with him... I ended the conversation, saying I needed to think and pray before I made any decisions. He wouldn't say he loved me (which is one of his manipulation games he plays when he's hurt or mad). I said, I love you and goodnight and hung up.

TODAY, I spoke to a close friend of mine that had gone through a D because her 1st H was abusive and in PAs with several people. She & I talked for quite a while. She told me that I must have some hope for my H's/my situation or I wouldn't even be considering giving him a final chance. She also said that no matter what I chose to do, I should do it all the way; meaning if I break it off - it is off until HE proves he has changed his lifestyle & priorities OR if I go - I go without expecting him to MESS UP AGAIN.

LATER TODAY... I called my H & asked him if he had done any thinking/praying about what we had talked about last night. He said he had been depressed & on the verge of tears all day. I told him how hard this had been on me, trying to decide what to do this time. Then I told him I was going to give him the FINAL chance, but that we would need to talk when he comes back from out of state to move us to where he is. I also told him (tearfully) that I would move to be with him, BUT that this is his FINAL chance. I told him I didn't think he could possibly understand how awful and painful this had been for me. He said he wasn't perfect and couldn't promise he wouldn't make mistakes again, but that he wanted things to work out. He said he loved me and we hung up.

AFTER hanging up with him, I was a little miffed, because it didn't seem like what I said REALLY meant anything to him... WHICH MADE ME QUESTION WHAT I HAD JUST TOLD HIM!

LATER THIS EVENING he called and left a message and was all like, I'm so glad we're going to be together, I hope you had a good day, I really love you, I really appreciate you - and I'm gonna make sure you know that, I really miss you, I love you... etc.

WHICH MADE ME QUESTION MY DECISION EVEN MORE, because (in the past) when I have given in to what he wants, he immediately pretends like "whatever happened" never happened. But I'm not able to just move on immediately without any affirmation of my feelings, talking things out &/or him building trust with me (AGAIN).

NOW I feel like I have ONCE AGAIN fell into his "FEEL SORRY FOR ME" TRAP... I really need to pray about this tonight... I feel like crap. To top things off my sister (who I am very close to) is really upset with me because she thinks I should leave my H now.

WELL HERE I AM AGAIN - CONFUSED, LONELY, & FEEL LIKE I HAVE ONCE AGAIN BEEN SUCKED IN BY MY H. I'm going to try to get SOME sleep tonight! Haven't been sleeping well, as I'm sure some of you haven't either.

Goodnight Fellow FS, may God bless & keep us tonight.

Hmmm. I think you need to give your marriage every chance you can, so you can look back with no regrets. But unless your WH gets some counseling, or some kind of accountability program, things will not change.

Also you should probably handle the finances, until he does figure out how to be more responsible.

Stick with us, we understand what you are going through, and you will get a lot of support here.

Believer...

How can I say 'Thank you' enough...

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and your support. You are so right about the "looking back with no regrets". That is exactly what I have been trying to tell those who are love me and are telling me to leave him. I keep telling them I have not reached that point of no return yet.

My H has told me that when I move to where he is, that he will give me the checkbook and we will work on the finances together. (don't trust him yet to do what he says he will do...)

My daughter & I had dinner tonight with my Pastor & his wife. We talked over the plan for our moving to be with my H, & also the plan to lay down some "tough love" with my H.

Tonight I know I hurt my H, not intentionally, but he is coming home to see us for 3 days this weekend and he asked me if I was looking forward to seeing him. I said no. I said, I'm sorry, I know that hurts you, but I am not excited and I'm not - not excited, I don't really feel anything about it.

Its sad, but I almost feel like the 15 years of effort, sacrifice, etc. that I have put into our marriage has taken its toll on me - enough is enough - I'm tired and worn out...

But then I also think... I have 15 years into this and I don't want to feel like a failure or to quit before my H does finally get the help he needs and turns his life around. (Does this make sense to anybody?)

Anyway, thanks again Believer...

want2Bloved