Hi everyone....

A friend of mine thought it would be a good ides to post again and have all of your thought....

My W is having a A with a co-worker at her work..
I just found out it has been going on for about 2 years, dont know when it got physical...
She is also seeing OM2 at the same time, it's not as frequent as OM1 but that one has been going on for about 3 years...
All this has just recently been all discovered ...

Last weekend it all came out, we went to church and the OM1 came too with his family....
I could tell that he seemed nervious and so was my W. When we got home she was just all over me why I was staring at him with a mean look, I tried not to expose it but she was so pushy that I just could not take it anymore and just let it out.......
I exposed both OM's and she just kept denying it, she said their just friend. nothing is going on....she started screaming to divorce and then she came back to try to work it out and then unsure. Now it seems to try to work it out as she says to me....
But this week I know she has been contacting and seeing him (OM1), I am not sure about OM2 though..
She did say if it wouuld make me happy not to talk to them again and i said it would but i know it's not happening....
The hard part was she did this infront of my children which they felt what was going on....
My W kept denying it and I just went upstair and showed all those other things she kepted hiding and told her to explain that...
She had roses, little stuffed animals and little gifts. All these things had hearts on them and "I love you" on them.. She says it's the women at work doing that, I said that is a sick joke....

Theirs been a few time i could not sleep and I would get up and sit in the living room and just go into tears... A few days ago she noticed that I was in tears and when I got upstairs she asked me whats wrong and I jus told her" I feel like I lost everything I loved" she wanted to know why i feel that way and i just said " I do" .
I can tbelieve she does not know why after exposing it last weekend...


I cant believe how selfish she is and how much she is hurting the children and me.....

Really like to hear your thoughts...
Deeppain

I'm truly sorry for what your wife is putting you through. I guess people that do these things are not getting just how selfish their actions are and that lying only rubs salt in the wound. My husband is having/had an affair with a co-worker for nearly two years as well. The tough part is knowing that they see this person every day and you have no idea what they are thinking. It is the greatest pain I have ever felt so I truly do empathize with you. Maybe if you know the OMs wife/wives you could talk to one of them and see what they think/know. I wish I had the courage to do that, but I doubt myself too much right now. The longer it drags on though, the harder it gets. I hope that you find a way to get to the heart of the lies and can begin to start the healing process for yourself because your kids need you.

It is sad that you are here but you should find help and support here. Your wife is in a fog and is not seeing or thinking clearly. My suggestion is to talk to the leaders of the congregation and to the OM's spouse. Once the affair comes to light, it makes it difficult for them to hide it and usually that leads to termination of the affair. She will go through withdrawal and depression, but that will allow her to gradually return to normalcy. work with her and suggest mutual therapy.

thank you for replying....
It is truly hard and I am in great pain especially when she knows I know and she is still with him.....I can not believe this is true love if their is two OM involved....
My kids not only need me , they need full time parents.... I also believe that the OM1 is filling her head with ideas that this will work out.....
Some one in their work place has exposed their A , so their upper management is aware of the A by only by a letter sent by a co-worker....
this will make it difficult as it is to be together due to they lied to their company that their was no A going on, if they got together down the road they will know it was true and risk their jobs for lying.....

Spouseguess, you need to have courage...
i feel the same way, I do not want to loose the love of my life.... but if she dont care about me than I am putting myself in death.... once exposed she must make the decision to what she want, for me two OM is very harmfull behaviour to our children and I cant bare that....Custody would change unless she smarten up....

I miss my W and I truly love her, she would never find a man that loves her and does everything for her as I do.....I am not perfect but no one is....But one thing though I am a man that is strong to save his marriage and not a coward to run away when the going gets tough.
Plus never to hurt another marriage which could have been saved, i believe in the vov's I took when i married her....

thanks.
Deeppain

Hello:

It is very important that you contact both of the spouses of the men she has been having affairs with. It is essential to expose the affairs to the spouses. Not only do you need counseling but make it clear what the consequences are for continuing her affairs and putting your health at risk. Being a doormat and allowing your wife to have sexual affairs with other men will simply destroy you. Make it clear that there are consequences to her actions and that you have no intention of staying in a marriage where she is sexually intimate with other men.
Do not let her threaten you with divorce. Do you really think your wife would respect you by accepting her behavior? Right now she knows she can have affairs and you will accept it because you are fearful of losing her. It really is quite unattractive. She will never respect you if you do not respect yourself.
Expose the affairs and make it clear what the consequesnces will be if she continues this behavior. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She is humiliating and disrespecting you and putting your health at risk.
If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do you really think your wife be acting like you if the roles were reversed? I wish you luck.

deeppain,

I am sorry you are experiencing such pain. You are not alone.

Please give serious thought about exposing your wife's actions in the public arena. I know this is not a popular approach but you really need to think about what you do before you do it. There are long-term consequences to everything you do from this point forward.

My only advice is that you seek professional help before you do anything.

Hang in there. You can't make anyone do anything but you have the power to act appropriately.

Thank you for replying....

It got last exposed a week ago and she is still talking to the OM's, I just dont get why.....
She is noticing that I am watching her and I always want to know where her cell phone is....

One thing I think is also happening is the OM wife has noticed too and is putting him thru hell , maybe she asking to divorce.....

I dont know why i and so nervious about this when the right thing to do is just confront her......
I cannot live like this...
She said we will work it out....
My wife did this all in front of our kids and they are heart broken seeing that their mother wants out....
I dont ewant my w to be with me just for the kids, It is killing me that she is intimate with OM and not me....

I must talk to her....

I really need alot of support her...
Thanks.
Deeppain

deeppain

I am so sorry you have to go through this.. When your wife exposed her affairs, do you mean she told the other wives as well as you?.. just wondering ..if the wives dont know I believe you need to call them and tell them what has been going on.. This will be the one thing you can do to put a stop to the OM continuing to try to stay in the affair with your wife. The affair couple are both in the fog but exposing will force them to face the reality of what they have done.

Also she needs to write each of them a no contact letter and let them know it is over and never to contact her again..and that she loves you and is working on her marriage.. she needs to let them know the A is over. She must do that and if not I dont see how you can move forward..

Counseling is very important as well..She will need support in facing what she has done and in coping with withdrawals.. Its not easy but with your support and love and good communication you can get through this just as so many of us have.

I wish you the best.

peace,
c_p

Thank you craving_peace....
No she did not admit to the A.....
I exposed it when she was pushing me to tell her what is the matter with me.....
I dont think she expected me to expose both men she is seeing, one of the men she is deeply in and he is a co-worker.....
I expect his w is aware he is having an A but dont know the status...
I am not sure what to do, My W did not admitt to the affair but i have a cell bill that shows her constant calling......
She is still acting wierd and secretive and I feel this A is still going on....
I am at the point that she has to make a decission to choose him or me but I will not want our children exposed to her harmfull behaviour ...
My Children are frustrated and they dont listen, they contantly fight with each other. I feel they are acting out their frustrations and I can tell they know something is wrong....

She goes to the gym a couple times a week and I cant believe she is working out for 3 hours, i work out every morning and I sweat like a pig and tired after one hour?????

I really need to get my head straight....
Thanks.
Deeppain.

Hi Everyone....

W just called me and wanted to know if a few things and asked Why i did not go to the gym this morning.... I said i did not sleep well and I was tired....
She wanted to know why and I just told her that I cant stop thinking about us....and how much pain is in me right now.....

She asked me if I still believed her that nothing is going on between both OM and their just friend...I said " No it's to hard to believe their is nothing going on "......
I told her i feel alot better that she does not talk or see the OM's again... she was not to happy about that but did not really give and answer.....
The descussion was calm but I feel alot of guilt is going thru her and she must feel that she is a home wrecker, so it must be the OM W has found out that he is seeing OW and giving him a hard time.....

I know their will be more talk tonight due to W having so much guilt and wants to know how mush i know???
She is still saying that their is nothing going on.....just friends......

thanks.
Deeppain

deeppain - I feel your agony! Your story is very similar to mine. My WH is having an A with a married co-worker. As near as I can figure it has been going on at least two years and there are deep feelings there if his letters are anything to go by. I have not confronted the OW's H because most of my info is one sided and I worry that I may cause pain without hard proof. I too wonder where this is going and wonder every day that he goes to work what they discuss. She must know that I know by now, but they are still continuing on. Fortunately we do not have to see each other at church - can't even imagine what I would say to her at this point.

My WH has not confirmed anything either and denies, denies, denies. It makes it harder when they lie doesn't it? I hope that you realize that you are not alone and this site can at least give you a lot of support and understanding of what is happening to you. I wish you the best and pray for us all!

Thank you spouseguess,
It is hard but you need to find the proof and prepare to expose. That's the only way I feel it may help to end the A, My sit I have told her about the cell phone bill showing frequent calls to the OM's, especially the co-worker...
Once I exposed most of it she is fully aware that I know and I am watching, that makes her real nervious.... Plus she is feeling guilty b/c i feel that the OM's W is aware too and I know my W she will feel guilty if she damages a family...
Maybe in your sit. it may be better for that OW to realize you are aware and will show her H....
Then she may start thinking smart.....
I dont know where we are going to end up but it will be alot better if she confesses and admitt's her mistake, then i will have room for forgiveness.... Right know my W is still denying it, their just friends...

I wish the best for you..
Deeppain...

Sorry if I am a bit harsh, but:

Why have you not told his wife? Why have you not exposed her affair to others who may be able to influence her, like exposing each OM to the other, for example, and exposing the A to her parents? Why are you not taking the excellent advice of those here who have recommended you do a Plan A that includes exposure and honesty with her about how you feel? Why do you continue to make disrespectful judgements in your conversations with her, when the first and most important part of Plan A is to eliminate lovebusters, as described in the links I gave you back in January?

If you did not understand them, re-read them now, they are in the link in my signature line.

The MB program works, but only if you actually follow it.