Is that the Christian way for you to behave? Get some control girl, you have another life coming in the world and three other kids. You don't want to hear, when is daddy coming home <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> all the time. As far as Mr. Opera I would say your not the first woman at church that got his rocks off.

JHF - you are in a fog, what you are doing is not right - maybe a RA? You and your husband both need counselling - immediately - please don't go any further with this OM, you may lose your marriage and have to raise your children alone, 99.9% sure OM will not leave his wife if this affair is exposed, there is a good chance what he told you about his marriage is not true, maybe what you he knew what you wanted to hear.
please rethink everything - Sandy

sandy,
JHF - you are in a fog, what you are doing is not right - maybe a RA?
What is an RA?

you may lose your marriage and have to raise your children alone
Why would she have to raise her children alone?More than likely, she may not be able to raise her children at all!

<small>[ April 11, 2004, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Hello,

I don't understand what you are doing. The only thing I can tell you is that you are playing with fire. It doesn't matter if you kiss, if you give him oral sex or if it is penetration. The pain you inflict in the other person is the same. It is not a matter of what you did or didn't, it is a matter of betraying. I know your husband betrayed you but that is not enough reason to justify your behavior. An affair is a matter of betrayal, not a matter of justice. When I discovered my wife's affair, she denied everything. However, I knew that something happened for what I read in her email. Well, here I was left with all my pain. I was betrayed. I revenged having affairs and it felt really good. Later on my wife confessed that she did had sex with this guy and not only this one but with another man as well. I confessed my affairs to her too. I was amazed about how we both justified our actions to ourselfs: Fairness, this will help me to understand if he/she is what I want, etc. At the end when we confessed everything to each other guess what happened? Both of us were feeling a huge pain. The downspiral did not stop. The pain was huge in both and totally biased our relationship. Everything in me bothered her and I as well got angry at everything with her. The end of the story: The people with whom we had our affairs are gone and satisfied; They got sex and we all now sex feels nice. My wife and I are left here with a tremendous pain separated with little hope of coming back together and wondering why did we decided to change everything we built together for an affair. We understood that all the reasons to justify our actions were only fantasies. Reality hit us hard and we understood how destructive we were to each other. We haven't seen each other in a while and I miss her, I know she misses me too. Our realtionship was incredible but not perfect. We decided to change it for a good experience instead of giving us the opportunity to talk to the other person and we lost everything except the pain.
Think about it, what is more worth. A night with this man, or your family, your kids, your husband, your emotional stability, etc. It will be exciting to sleep with this man but it is not even close to how exciting it is to have a healthy relationship with someone that you love. In addition, the pain you will feel after your affair will last a lifetime, the wonderfull feelings of sleeping with this man will last only a moment. Remember, after an affair the things will not ever be the same. Think about your actions.

<small>[ April 10, 2004, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: janei ]</small>

thanks for the advise. fyi - i have read many of the posts and do understand the hurt many of you are or have gone through. i was and still am there. here's a little info - i'm 24, i have 3 kids (all under 4) and i'm 6mths pregnant. i've been nearly anorexic since finding out about the affair. i've almost lost the baby on several occasions due to excessive bleeding and have been to the ER room many times w/ this pregnancy. the only reason i'm in an affair is it's the only think keeping me happy right now. i don't want to be in it but it's too hard to stop. i know it'd be easier to stop now than 2/mths later but the devil has such a tug on my heart right now it's all i can do to try and pull away. i'm not making excuses. i know what i'm doing is wrong and i keep comparing it to what my husband did and i'm far from doing the damage he's done - at this point anyway. i guess cuz we haven't been caught i'm seeing more light than darkness right now. thanks for your help. i'll keep reading the posts and hopefully i can get my head out of my butt. i guess i'm just in too much pain to care about the damage i'm causing -- but i know i'll read something that will turn this heart of mine around.

thanks again.

JHF:

You're not going 2 make it on your own.

Did you check out the link I suggested you look in2?

You need 2.

-2long

JHF

Think about what you are doing. You will feel nothing but guilt when your EA with this OM has ended and of course affairs always end.. but you will be left with guilt and the possibility of an STD.. Did you know you can get hpv or herpes from oral sex???.. both are incurable.. One can lead to cancer, one can lead to a serious illness which could become fatal to your newborn baby if you contract it before delivery! Do you think it would be worth it then? I hope you will do the right thing and stop this.

wishing you peace,
c_p

2Long - yes, i'm looking at the site you suggested. thanks a bundle!

i really appreciate everyone's encouragement. it's easier to read "we love you, we care about you, stop what you're doing" than "what planet r u from, you're not for real, etc". a lot of you have been in my place and you obviously justified it like i am - so i'm not "from another planet" - i'm just not as far in recovery as most of you are.

a huge thanks to Bog, Medic22003, 2Long, Shattereddreams - you're replys have been a huge help. And Janei - incredible story, you have already begun to break down some of my walls. i'm sitting here crying - i don't want to destroy my family i just want out of the pain of my husband's affair. i didn't think what i was doing was wrong because it didn't equal what my husband did - although i knew it was wrong in God's eyes. thanks for all the help, seriously.

and to Bryanp - not sure if you've had an affair or been the victim of an affair - but if you're at this site you obviously experienced something. next time think about what ran through your head at your time of hurt and remember we ALL had to justify our behaviors to do what we've done - so there's nothing "fake" about my post. if i didn't want help, why would i be here?

i don't want to destroy my family
That is what you are doing though. And the longer it goes on, the more dmage will be done and the harder it will be on EVERYONE.

i just want out of the pain of my husband's affair.
How's that workin' out for ya'?
The pain from his affair is all gone?

i didn't think what i was doing was wrong
Do you think it's wrong now?

You said something that needs to be carefully considered.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i didn't think what i was doing was wrong because it didn't equal what my husband did - although i knew it was wrong in God's eyes. thanks for all the help, seriously. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it is NOT equal to your H's affair. In someways it is worse, because you did it with an intention to violate your vows. In someways it is easier to justify. If you don't think your H will be hurt, then you should tell him you are having an affair, and tell him what the next stage will be in a few days. Be honest. BUT...we both know you are lying to yourself here. You KNOW it will hurt him deeply. You see what will hurt him is what is hurting you, you have turned to another man as he turned to another woman. After that happens, all else are just details, and more nails in the coffin.

You need to make a decision: Do you want to be married to your H or not? If you do, the A must stop and you two need to work on rebuilding the marriage, and the first step in that process is telling your H about your affair.

Someone earlier mentioned one other little detail. OM is married and no matter what he says if he wanted out he would be out of the marriage. You will help destroy his marriage and perhaps the lives of those children as well.

I realize you are young, very young. I suspect your H is just as young and dumb. I don't know about OM but I am guessing he is older. If my guess is right, he is taking advantage of you and your poor emotional state.

Please stop. Please step back and think. Please pray about this. And then please end the A and tell your H so that your marriage can be restored and made very strong. You and I suspect your H are very very young especially to have so many children. It makes life hard, and it makes one want to escape. He tried that, and you are trying that now, but the best escape is to work THROUGH it with your H. You have many many years/decades together, and they can be very happy years if you can make it through these tough years. AND they are tough aren't they? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Think about what EVERYONE is telling you. Even the ones that seem harsh are offering you very very good information. They have all taken their time to respond and it is because they want to see your marriage not only continue, but be better than it every has been.

Consider this carefully.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JHF:
<strong> we haven't had "sex" - the penetration type anyway. is this oral sex going to be a big deal to my husband or is it only a big deal if it goes on and on and on for months - so 2 times wouldn't mean much and should just be kept a secret. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really. This is a joke, right? Did you miss April Fool's day?

Oh, one other thing. Tell your pastor at church what is going on with the song leader. This person has no business having any position at any church. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for other women so they don't fall prey to his lies and deceit.

no, that was not a joke. some guys consider "sex" to be the penetration type and oral sex is a form of foreplay. what i was asking is do i need to confess this to my husband or should i shove it under the rug since it only happened twice AND to SOME guys it's not as serious as engaging in full nudity sex and going "all the way" (basically spare my husband the pain). obviously i'm a little naive because i don't feel i should have to tell my husband since it didn't escalate to "full blown" sex, BUT, i get the hint - sex comes in any form -- i guess i was just justifying my actions so i wouldn't have to tell my husband (which i'm still scared to do).

JFH

Let me preface this by saying it's not meant to hurt you, but to make you think about the repercussions of what you are doing.

My WW was very unattached for some time before I got suspicious. Then the telltale signs got to be more than I could ignore. So I turned into a snoop, and found out "enough" to confront, or so I thought. As it turned out, I didn't have "enough", to prove her infidelity, so the lies and deception went on, and on.

Finally, I had proof. She admitted only to having a "friend", in spite of the proof. In fact, she was "in love" with the OM. After 6 months of counseling, I still didn't have all of the "facts". I still being lied to, still being decieved. Only after 2 DDays and 5 unsuccessful attempts at No Contact, over 9 months did we enter recovery.

Well, after the facts were finally out in the open, I found out that "all" my WW did was anything and everything, except actual penetration. Yeah, she was giving the OM BJ's, something she had seldom, and I do mean seldom done for me, over 30 years of marriage.

Do you think that lessenend the hurt, the pain, anguish for me? To picture my WW bobbing on some guy, something she's denied me for a lifetime, may be something I'll never get over. In a way, oral sex is MORE intimate than penetration, in my way of thinking. Certainly something my WW felt to "personal" to indulge me with.

That, coupled with the full blown lies, deception, shunning the vows taken so long ago, and knowing that while she was involved, she had no concern for me, any of my needs, our kids needs, and how what she did put my life at risk (no condoms) is the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me.

You may not realize how totally devastated you H may be if/when he finds out. This affair will not last forever. It probably won't last a year, before it goes sour. You are doing so many people an injustice here, but mostly yourself. You are allowing yourself to be deceived by foggy thinking that what you are doing is harmless. It is everything but that.

I wish I could find just the right thing to say to knock the "walls down" that allow you to continue this dangerous path. These moments of "fantasized
bliss" will be paid for in horrible pain in days to come. The sooner you stop this insanity, the more you will minimize the damage done.

God Bless

SD

I see some serious issues at play here. To answer your question, yes, oral sex is still sex and do not expect your husband to take it lightly. If your husband performed oral sex on another woman, you would not mind because there was no penetration? You both need some serious counseling. Also, you and the other man are playing with fire. There are two things you ought to do, talk to an elder and explain your situation while also letting him know that the man should not be in a leadership position in the Church- many will be hurt if he continues to perform as a leader and it better be him to step down after being told by an elder than have someone else find out and the entire congregation could know. The other thing you need to do is avoid him at all cost. If you need to find another congregation, so be it. But please, do not destroy others as you are destroying yourself.

I hope you didn't feel I was hard on you. The support and understanding I received here when I was in your position was amazing.

We definitely are only hard on you because we've been there - on both sides.

Friends told me during my A that I was being used, OM was having a wonderful time at my expense, he would never leave his wife for me, I was hurting my H even though, then, he didn't know. I didn't listen to ONE word. In the end they just about gave up on me but didn't - they stayed close and supportive friends.

It is a worry that you are pregnant - your body belongs to you and your baby right now - at least that's how I felt when I was pregnant.

Please get away from this man - if you feel you are happy now - and I know that wonderful feeling of excitement and secrecy - the end result is more unhappiness than you can imagine.

Good luck.

Jenny

i'm listening and reading all your replys, along w/ many of the other posts. it's definitly helping and i'm beginning to see things. i believe i'm still too scared to confess anything to my husband for 3 reasons:

1 - this guy is one of my husband's good friends
2 - this guy owns a large company and i wouldn't want him to loose it over an affair
3 - i don't want my husband to leave me over it, cuz i doubt he'll give me as much mercy as i gave him.

thanks for all the advise i'm getting, i am seriously listening.

JHF , then please end the A at least....... nothing worth having is easy, your marriage will survive but it WILL be HARD work.....
my prayers are with you
cliff

i'm listening and reading all your replys, along w/ many of the other posts. it's definitly helping and i'm beginning to see things. i believe i'm still too scared to confess anything to my husband for 3 reasons:

1 - this guy is one of my husband's good friends

What kind of friend is he, that he would become involved with your husband's wife. He is not a friend, nor will he be in the future.
2 - this guy owns a large company and i wouldn't want him to loose it over an affair

If you bow out now, confess to your H what has happened, ask for forgiveness, establish No Contact (ever), why would he lose his business. And even if he does, this is a risk he took when he became involved with you. No one held a gun to his head and forced him to do this. It was his choice.
3 - i don't want my husband to leave me over it, cuz i doubt he'll give me as much mercy as i gave him.

I understand you don't want him to leave. But it's not your right to make decisions for him, when he doesn't know the truth. Maybe he will show you an equal amount of mercy, maybe not. The fact that you did, may give you a little break. You will have a great deal of work ahead of you to show your Husband that you ARE sorry, you DO regret what you have done, and SHOW him you are ready to make amends, and work on your marriage.

thanks for all the advise i'm getting, i am seriously listening.

You are listening, but are you HEARING? Please address this before it gets worse!

Wishing you well

SD

Did your H confess his A or did you find out?

If you found out about his A, he should have to find out about yours, i wouldnt tell him crap, he deserves everything he got. now we even <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> / kidding but not.

I would never contact the OM again though, hes a scumbag.

and hes not your H's friend, hes a pretender, what kind of friend would do that?