I fell in love with my wife long before we talked about marriage. We both knew that the relationship would be a up hill climb. I departed for an overseas assignment and things began to appear insurmountable. I wanted to marry my wife, but she was unsure because she had been previously married facing the same circumstances. I became frustrated because I only wanted my wife to believe that things would be okay between us. I felt inadequate and unwanted. Once she put aside all of her fears, I was seeing another woman that filled a couple of my EN. I was never in love with the OW, she just filled a void. After a few months of this secret relationship, my wife and I agreed to get engaged. I came home for Xmas and asked her to marry me before I went back overseas. She said yes! I was happy. My problem was that the OW was still around and we had developed a serious friendship that also involved into sexual relationship. I knew I needed to avoid her, but she continued to call and stop by even after I told her that I went home to get married. She still was there to fill my EN. I was a fool for ever getting myself in this situtaion and I want my wife to forgive me and work our marriage. Forgivness may not be the answer, but I don't want to lose my wife. What should I do? I am sure I want to be with my wife. I am a man that has always tried to solve my problems on my own. I am asking for advice on how save my marriage.

Hmmmmm. Does your wife know about this affair?

Also you need to write no contact letter to OW. In it you should tell her you love your wife and are going to start working on your marriage. Tell OW not to contact you for any reason. Then avoid her completely.

By the way, welcome to marriagebuilders.

My wife knows about the entire affair and she has asked for details of the affair. I lied in the beginning to avoid deepening the pain. As the days went along she probed and demanded more answers which subsequently revealed previous lies and further deepened her distrust for me. We both confronted the OW and she felt a little better, but there is still some apprehension on her behalf about staying married, because we will be separated again for the next six months. The OW will still be in the area. I have asked to be relocated back to the U.S., but that actions is in limbo. My credibility is destroyed because of my stupidity and selfishness, but really want my wife to believe that I am committed to our marriage. After she found out about the affair, she discovered she was pregnant. She has threatened to leave me and have an abortion if I can't return to the U.S. sooner than six months. I am desparate and really don't know what to do. I told her that I will end my career to be with her if that was the case. We are getting along okay, but I stiil feel that I must do more to secure the relationship. Thanks for listening

Okay - You can do this. Stick with us and get on the MB program. Let your wife know that you are going to make some changes and learn how to have a better marriage, an affair-proof marriage.

A no contact letter is required. You need to make it short -

OW-
I love my wife and want to work on my marriage. Do not contact me for any reason.

Then let your wife know how sorry you are, and keep telling her how sorry you are. Most WS's do lie about the details, mistakenly believing they are saving their spouse pain. It just makes it much, much worse.

You can read on the home page here the "quick clicks" about how an affair should end, restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

After a brief separation today, my wife returned to me very upset and angry about the whole ordeal. She insisted that we talk about the OW and then got upset with me because I was not talking bad about the OW. If I had anything to say bad about the OW, then I would have never been with her. I am trying to be honest with her because that is what she wants. As we are talking she begans to tear me down and tell me how screwed up I am. She is furious with me and continues to threaten to leave me. Everyday I feel that things are getting better, she gives me enough grief to equal the pain I have caused her through this affair. I tell her that I am sorry and I love her, but I really don't think it matters to her. I have totally gotten control over my temper and have not lashed back. This is the only positive I see.

So you have good things to say about the OW? Sorry I cannot sympathize with you. The OW knew you were married and did not care that she was dishonoring your marriage.

On top of that, your wife is now thinking about putting an end to your unborn child's life. So I guess your baby will pay for your mistakes.

I just don't know what else to say. I do thank you for serving your country. There has been so much heartache over this war.

I would rather not talk about the OW at all. I guess I just need to feed off of my wife's emotions about the affair and let her know that I am on her side. If I had any feelings for the OW I would have never taken my wife to meet her.

My unborn child and the happiness of my wife is most important to me. I am trying to focus on fixing me and my wife continues to question about the affair. Talking about it makes me uncomfortable because it really makes her upset.

Thanks for your words of wisdom Believer.

After you read here awhile, you will see that most WS's don't want to talk about the affair, while BS's need to for healing.

I think the question most women have is "how could he love me and sleep with another woman?"

So you need to talk this out.

By the way, thanks for serving you country in her time of need. Tell all the others there that we Americans back home support and appreciate their sacrifice.

Check this post out too.


posted December 12, 2003 11:18 AM
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Hi Star, here's Joseph's letter (it comes from Dear Peggy.com: The Need To Know. ):

Joseph's Letter.

"To Whomever:

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

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TMCM's MB Garage .

'If you could see yourself through my eyes, you would never again question your beauty.'

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Posts: 5536 | Registered: Jan 2002 | IP: Logged |

believer
Member
Member # 30284

believer --

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

"Joseph's Letter" is exactly what I needed my wife to see today. Today is 2 months since DD#1 and I have been feeling it big-time. I keep pressing for more info, but feel frustrated -- I told my wife that "the good news is that it's been two months already" (what she wants to hear - ie. let's move on), "the bad news is that it's only been 2 months."

I have just printed the letter and am taking it to show my wife right now.

Todd- I am glad it helped you. Please post and let us know her reaction.

Infidel - What happened?

Infidel,
Your W is VERY hurt right now. She is really on an emotional roller coaster.

I DON'T think she will leave you. She would have by now. She's holding this over you, and beating you with it because she's hurting, and somehow she believes if she beats you enough with it, you'll feel what SHE feels.

Sadly this isn't the case. Your words aren't going to be enough, and more likely to make the situation worse (which you've seen).

Your wife may still feel afraid you will eventually leave for the OW. This is common in BS. Trust me...I'm one.

You have a lot going for you. And I agree with Believer.... even though you find no faults with the OW...she's trying to undermine your decision, and cause continous pain to your wife and your baby. As her husband, and the father of her child...you need to protect them above all. So even if you see nothing BAD with the OW...her lack or respect towards your marriage is showing her lack of morals.

That's something to think about. Make sure you are totally honest with your W. But if you know that talking about the A leads to so much pain, try to limit the amount of time you talk about it each day. This has worked for a lot of couples here.

BE HONEST....your wife will end up asking you the same question in different ways and at different times...and if your answer isn't exactly what you told her before...she won't believe anything you say after that.

You're doing the right thing, keep coming here, keep reading...keep posting...and even suggest the site to your wife.

Thank you for your incredible insight. I guess I knew all of this information but it was nice to read it all in one spot. My H and I are healing nicely (I think) some days I'm not as sure. But this letter gave me a better persepctive of where my H is.

Thanks again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

betrayedinjersey,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel so much better. My wife departed last night around half past midnight. We had just finshed about 3 hours of talks that were not happy as we were separating from each other. I reassured her that things were going to be okay and I was never going to cheat on her again. She gave me tough love and pointed out my flaws and told me I was screwed up and need to get myself together. I felt down, but with a new focus on self. I could not continue make the same mistakes. My wife wanted more of me because she sees the potential in me and wants me to act now and in the same fashion she would. I swallowed my pride and listened to her and did not get defensive. I told her that I love her and the reason she was bashing me was because she was angry still and I had no right to get upset. The few moments before she left, she cried and really did not say much. I looked at her through the glass at the customs check point and I began to think about all the things she said to me. I drove to my office/work(port) area off of the base, where we stayed the first week she was here. Now it was about 20 minutes to one and I still did not hear from her and I thought she had boarded the plane immediately and could not call. She new I was staying at the port prior to me taking her to the airport because she was supposed be departing about 0330 in the morning. I arrived at my port unloaded my bags and left my phone in the car charging until I went to bed. I was devestated when I saw she tried to call me at 0059-0110. I could not sleep because I knew she thought I was with the OW or someone else. She called me from the airport in Amsterdam and told me I was lying and that I made her mind up for her and that I will never hear from her again. She posted a message and stated she was done. I really thank you and believer for being here for me. I will continue to post because I have no one to talk to about this. I really need her, even if she wants to talk about the OW.

I read her post. It made me very sad. Maybe it is because I am a BS, but your behavior was suspicious to me also.

The distance between both of you makes it very difficult for your relationship and for possible counseling. She may have said she is done with you, but do not lose hope. She is very hurt and in a tremendous amount of pain. She is going through emotions that are very intense and devastating. You need to try to stay in touch with her. There are many wolves out there who can sense someone who is weak and will prey on her and she does not know it. Try to be her friend and offer her support. Go the extra mile to show her that you are really sorry.

I am in the process of altering my career to be with my wife. I have made mistakes in the past, and allowing our marriage to fail due to recent circumstances will be the worst of all. I will do whatever it takes to be with her. Only time will tell if I am true to my word. I am not an evil person. If I was not sincere in my intentions, then I would let this go. I love my wife and I want to make this work. The distance and the distrust is enough to end the best of marriages. The desire and will to make one work is the greatest accomplishment of all. I am not a quitter.