I have a two 1/2 year-old daughter and a 6 month old baby girl. Our 4-year anniversary is next month.

I found a love poem written to my husband yesterday and he admitted everything. It's been going on for a few months.

We've had a rocky road with two pregnancies in three years and he began this affair when the youngest was only three months old. I take responsibility for not keeping him from being tempted but how could anyone be expected to take care of two young babies, a mother who has stage III ovarian cancer, a household and have a hot and heavy sex life when her husband comes home?

I don't think I can continue my life with him. He just says he's sorry. He told me over the past few weeks that he had decided he was going to leave me shortly after the baby was born. I never stood a chance! Once I got back on my feet (hormones, sleep deprivation, breast feeding, etc) he had already checked out of the marriage and was speding time with this other woman.

Since he had already removed himself from the marriage emotionally, any of my efforts to get things back to normal after the baby were not received.

Also, our house is under contract and we're supposed to move out July 30. So, now I am on a deadline to figure out where I want my family to live. Will we live together? What city will we live in? Here, where my family is, or three hours north of here where his work is (and where the other woman is too)?

This feels impossible. I am in shock ... cannot be happening to me. I'm too smart to end up in this situation. Help me and my babies. We'll take any help we can get!

dcurls,

Sorry to hear about your recent discovery. I'm no expert, so take my advice lightly, but nothing is over unless you want it to be over. If you want to fight for your marriage, like many of us are doing, then the game has just begun. Take the advice of the experts here and run with it. Again don't give up until you are ready to.

It seems slower here on the weekend, so hang in there until some of the more seasoned can give you a reply.

Take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sounds like we nees a little more info. Is the only reason hes leaving is because there wasnt enough sex? You both need counselling, but if he wont go, you go anyway. Figure out why this happened. As I said, if its only about sex, sounds like someone needs to grow up. Read all you can from Dr Harley and see if you can implement any of it.

A few weeks ago he came to me with a list and talked "at me" for an hour about the things that were wrong with me.

#1 was that I am not Christian. He is and I am Jewish. We had many, many discussions before ever getting engaged about whether or not we could make an interfaith marriage work. We obviously decided we could and this is the first time it has been an issue since before we got married.

Item #2 was our lack of a real sex life. Although, he wouldn't have sex with me when I tried over the last few months. He claimed it was because if he couldn't have a spiritual relationship with me that he couldn't have a physical one with me either.

But, as it turns out, he'd been sleeping with OW and he felt too guilty sleeping with us both at the same time. So, essentially he didn't want to cheat on HER with ME.

Hmmmm, Christian and Jewish. Seems to me like both religions have a lot in common. Last time I checked, both were against adultery.

Please check out Plan A here. It will help you. These WS's are all alike. They use the same excuses, and do the same things.

Stick with us and you will be blessed. People here can help you through this.

Hi dcurls -
Here are some things I have learned after my H had an A:

- There are different types of affairs, and reasons that men have them, but it is usually not just about sex
- The four year mark is when most marriages fail, as that seems to be when the honeymoon period typically wears off
- Having children puts a tremendous amount of stress on a marriage, and affairs happen frequently after the birth of a child

Things that have helped me to cope:
- Take care of yourself as much as possible - try to eat right, exercise, get plenty of sleep
- Write all of your thoughts and feelings in a journal instead of sharing them with your spouse. It will help you to get things out of your system, process your feelings, and not say things that you might regret later
- Talk to a doctor about anti-depressant medication, which will help you to think more clearly, focus better, and make decisions
- Find someone to confide in like a pastor, rabbi, or counselor. If you can't get your H to go to MC with you, then go to IC for yourself.
- There is a great book by John Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - in it he says he can predict if a couple will divorce by listening to them argue for just a few minutes, by the way they do it. I realized after reading it that I had been contemptuous, disrespectful, and defensive towards my H (love busters) without even realizing it for years, and little by little he just wrote me off without letting me know how angry he was, until we reached a state of emotional divorce. I thought we were happy but he was miserable. Gottman also says that every couple will have 10 unresolvable issues - no matter who they are. So the religion issue is one for you two, but it would just be something else for your H with another woman.
- The Mars/Venus books were also helpful to me - I found out my H was giving me Penalty points (in his mind) for griping, whining, and nagging, while I felt I was making concessions by doing things for him that went unappreciated and unnoticed. I also had 2 children in two years (and already had a 3 year old), and I kept thinking that if I just took care of everything - the house, the kids, the finances, etc. - that my H would realize how much I was contributing to our M. But John Gray says men don't want you to "do" things - they want you to be happy. If you are depressed, unhappy, tired, cranky - they take it personally and feel they are not good husbands. But instead of telling you this (because most men are not good about communicating their feelings), they just get mad at you and find someone else who is happy to be with them.
- Finally, be aware that if you want to divorce, it will cause more problems than it solves, as you have children together, and will never be totally disconnected, plus any issues that are not resolved in your M now will resurface later with whomever. But if you do want to work on your M, it will take a longer than you might think to recover, and is a roller coaster, and a tough process. At first I was indignant that it seemed like I had to do all the work to meet my H's emotional needs when I was the injured party, but that is what needs to be done for success.
Good luck.

<small>[ April 11, 2004, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: Travelling Girl ]</small>

Im not saying this to say anything bad about you being Jewish, so dont misunderstand. The Bible says that a married couple should not be unevenly yoked. Since your H is a Christian, he should have known that, and refrained from marrying you on that premise. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad or to make you feel that there is something wrong with you. He shouldnt use that as an excuse 4 yrs down the line. I go back to the fact that someone needs to grow up, and the 2 of you should consider one or the other converting so that your family is of one faith. While there are many similarities in the 2 faiths, there is one very key factor that makes them different. I'm sure there are those who will disagree with me, even chastise me for what I've said. That being said, it doesnt change the fact of what he did and how hurt you are. There is absolutely NO excuse for that. If you want your marriage to work, you need MC and effort, as well as becoming a family of one faith. Is either one of you practicing your faith or is it in name only? That could make a huge difference if you decide that one or the other needs to switch.

One more thing -
When your H goes on about how it is your fault he had an A, just ignore him. Listen, but don't take it personally. They do that to make themselves feel less guilty. An A signals problems in a relationship, but it certainly does not help. When he starts "talking at you" about your faults, tell him calmly that he should have communicated this to you earlier, instead of aggravating the situation by cheating on you.