I have been informed by my spouse that she has been talking to someone at work for about 2 months. She claims that she has feelings for this person. She declared the relationship to me in fear of rumors that may spread after being confronted by his wife.

I felt like she was being honest with me and talking thru some of the issues that have led to the current state of affairs (no pun intended). She has declared that it is strictly an emotional relationhip (so far ...). She has indicated she feels sad when she can't speak with him.

We talked extensively and openly about it and she agreed to end it for good. I have since caught her in two bold face lies where she is still talking to him. I asked if she let him know the decision that we agreed to and asked if she ended it. She told me that she wanted to tell him in person. She also tried to brush it off like so what I talked to him; What difference would it have made if I would have told you. Up until this incident I felt like she was being completely honest.

My question(s) are :

1. Should I backoff and let her handle the termination? Or was her reason for exposing it to me, her way of wanting me to end it.

2. At what point, do I need to contact him and tell him to stay away and leave her alone?

They work together and that will most likely not change. My concern is that this will be an ongoing problem and I will be consumed wondering is she/or isn't she.

<small>[ April 11, 2004, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: CytotoxicD ]</small>

5

I'm sorry to hear that you need to be here but this site will help you through the difficult days ahead. You've just gotten on the marriage "rollercoaster."

Whether your wife(W) believes it or not she's having an affair (A). The million dollar question is whether it is just of the emotional variety (EA) or whether it has turned physical (PA).

Regardless of whether it was E or P. She needs to end it if she is going to continue in the marriage (M). It sounds as though you've already discussed this and you've set your boundaries.

She can also never have any contact with him. Based upon your post she may have a tough time with this.

If it is an EA she may not even believe that it is an A. A good book to help her understand that it is an A is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Buy it today. While you're at it by Harley's "Surviving an Affair."

Be careful with the books tnough because most WS are in a "fog" and don't want to be "preached to" or "indoctrinated."

If and when she agrees to end it...

She should not end it in person!

She should end it with a No Contact (NC) letter. Read about these up on the main MB web site. They should be very short and business like. They should just say.....,

" Dear Mr X our relationship has become inappropriate and is getting in the way of my marriage and therefore I must end it. Honor my wishes .You and I must never communicate ever again. If you try to contact me I'll inform my husband." Search for samples.

The reasons for these letters are simple. Personal meetings bring back all the feelings that created the affair, especially for the women. There will be long romantic "good-byes". They will be full of emotion and histrionics. Sometimes these good-byes can turn physical. Wives have been known to change their minds. She and the OM may decide to break from their spouses.

Your wife needs to end this in a way that will start to restore your trust. Most husbands once they know about the relationship don't want a personal meeting.

Good luck. I wish you well.

cwmac

5
How are you making out?

cwmac

I'm struggling with being angry and trying to contain it for the sake of being logical and rational. My wife claims it is over and vows not to pursue it any further.

My issue is that they work together and see each other every day. Since she has completely thrown away all the trust that I thought I had for her. Her words don't provide much comfort knowing that there is a safety net for her waiting in the wings if she doesn't like the way things are going with us.

She claims that she just can't turn off feelings that quick. My point is that unless she stops all contact with him, then she never fully recover and focus on healing our relationship.

I'm confused and am starting to question whether it's worth it or not.

You are right that she will not change her feelings for him as long as they are in contact. However, you should not try to FORCE them to end contact, since that would be a demand, which is not constructive, and because you can't really force anyone to do anything. There are a lot of things you can do to hasten the end of their relationship, however. The path to ending and recovering from an Emotional Affair or a physical affair is the same.

Click on the link in my signature line for what to do. The Plan A links in there will give you lots of help on what to do, short of making a demand, to persuade your wife to end her affair.

As you will read in more detail in those links, you should tell his wife that you are concerned that his relationship with your wife is having a detrimental effect on your marriage, and you would like her to do anything she can to influence him to end contact with your wife. But, before you do, you should also contact him with the same message. This is a bit difficult, so I suggest you do it as described in the quote below: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A word about confronting the OP, when a WS is unwilling to end an affair on their own, because this question comes up a lot, and many people advise that you avoid confronting the OP, because discussions between BS’s and OP’s tend to be unhelpful and painful for the BS. I do not suggest having much of a discussion. I DO suggest confronting the OP, and also informing the OP’s spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend of what you know, if they have one. If the OP’s spouse/friend is likely to be violent, you may want to hold off on that exposure, but that is the only exception I know of, other than a message from God.

The confrontation of the OP is fairly important, and should be worded carefully. Given the emotional state you are probably in right after you learn of an affair, that usually means doing it by letter or email, or maybe a phone call. I do not recommend direct confrontations because of the strong temptation you may have to become physically violent.

Whatever method you use to communicate, say something like: “I love [spouse], and am trying to fix what is wrong with our marriage. I believe your relationship with [spouse] is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage, and I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with [spouse].” If you are CERTAIN it is a physical affair, you can use the word “affair”, instead of “relationship”. If you have children, you may also say that the OP is contributing to the destruction of a family.

They may laugh at you, but it is important to send that message, respectfully, for several reasons:

1. Because the OP may not know the WS is married. If that is the case, confronting the OP sometimes leads immediately to the end of the affair.
2. Because WS’s usually (almost always?) depict their spouse in a negative way to the OP. They say things like: “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me”, “My spouse is unconcerned about me and/or our marriage” or “We have an open relationship”, or something worse – you are crazy, controlling, cruel, etc. So, you need to confront the OP in a way that shows you at your best – not crazy, not unconcerned, not controlling, not angry, but rather calm, kind, purposeful, determined and concerned for your spouse and your relationship with them. When you do that, it introduces conflict into their relationship, because there is a conflict between what the OP experiences, and what they have been told.
3. Many WS’s and OP’s minimize the seriousness of their affairs with rationalizations like: “It’s only physical”, or, in the case of an Emotional Affair, “It’s just a close friendship” and “It’s not physical.” The language I have suggested avoids giving them a point to argue, and simply says it is hurting you.
4. In most cases, affairs grow in secret, and they die when exposed.


Remember that affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? Frequently, they get angry. It is fairly common for a WS to get EXTREMELY angry when you expose their affair and confront the OP, and accuse you of trying to destroy them and your marriage and of being a horrible human being, so be prepared for an angry response. It is not a lovebuster, it is fighting for your marriage. You are doing nothing horrible. They are. You are fighting to save your marriage. They are destroying it. You are telling the truth. They are being deceitful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>