Hi all,

I've known my wife for 14 years and have been married for 8 and have a 2 year old daughter. About 6 weeks ago I found out my wife was having an affair with someone at her work. I estimate the affair to be about 2 months old, but has been building up for over a year (started off as being friends).

I did some internet investigation and came accross your website and bought the His Needs Her Needs book. Having read the book, I've discovered that I've neglected her completely in most emotional departments. She's obviously found these needs in this other fella. She says that she still loves me, but is in-love with him and feels about him in a way that she's never felt about me before. I must admit that I have not been the ideal husband and often being plain rude to her - Oh, how I regret that.

Having identified some of my mistakes, I've put in a lot of effort to strive for the ideal marriage the last two weeks but I feel that she's not letting me in (she admitted it). We are currently having councelling to restore or decide our future together. She feels that if she'd come back to me, she's scared that she never feel this way again and If I do adjust my hehaviour for the better, that it won't last.

Is there a way to protect her emotions from swopping her feelings back over to me as she fears not being able to go through this emotional struggle again? Basically she's quite happy where she is now. Is there any hope?

Regards,
Alex

Everything you're hearing from your WW right now is normal. Do NOT take it to heart. Once an A is discovered, all WS pretty much say the same thing.

Do NOT let this FOG talk rattle your cage. In my case, my FWH only THOUGHT he was IN LOVE with OW.

After Plan A, and a whole lot of LB from the OW, he realized now that whatever it was he DID feel was definately not LOVE...more like infatuation....fantasy...

Your WW will uncover this as well as her FOG lifts.

Keep reading here...and you'll see a lot of similarities to your situation. It will give you insight, and you'll be better prepared for the rocky road ahead of you.

You're doing the right thing...keep up the good work..and keep us posted.

Unfaithful spouses usually develop all types of scenarios to justify their poor behavior. Do not put much weigh into what she is saying right now because it is a mechanim of self-protection. I am sure the counseling sessions will help both of you right your situation, but you should not feel guilty for the decisions she has made. Have you been to a doctor to check for STDs? You both need to do that.
Is there a history on her part or her family of infidelity? Was she verbally or physically abused? These are things that need to be considered. God bless!

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: helpinghand ]</small>