I desperately want to understand what led me to be unfaithful to my wife. Why does one spouse betray another? I want to understand this fully so I can avoid the same mistake in any future relationship I may have. To all the wayward spouses out there, why did you do it?

7

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 02:12 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

Hi BlondBlossom:

Your post gave me so much and hit something right on the head. Early in our relationship, this pattern of avoiding conflict started. Our first year of marriage was an absolute roller coaster. In the up times, nothing could have been more wonderful, but during the down times, my wife became highly emotionally unstable and also physically abusive, scratching and biting me severely on several occasions. After it happened though, I never dealt with it. I even helped her cover it up, and internalized it all. I became a classic conflict avoider. Wasn`t this anger and conflict avoidance bound to come out in some way? In my case, it sadly and regretfully came out in the form of several one night infidelities over a 12 year period while I was far away from home on travel. I could never confront her about the original abuse perhaps for fear of being abused again, so instead I betrayed her behind her back in a terrible selfish manner. And after I was unfaithful once, I knew that I could never ever share the truth because she always vowed to leave me immediately if I ever crossed the line. Does this all make sense?

I also developed a pattern of doing other things behind her back, like overeating, and overworking. I abused myself, but I also had to keep everything hidden from her because I did not want to rock our precious marital boat. This avoidance only intensified when the darling children came.

Now, we are divorced, because about two years ago, I confessed all. As soon as she learned I had been unfaithful, she filed for divorce and immediately pursued another man.

The greatest regret of my life is that I chose infidelity instead of confronting her directly. If only she would now give me a second chance to prove to her that I can be a good husband. All I ever really wanted was to be a good husband, but I failed. At least, everything is now out in the open and I am confident I can be a good husband again someday to someone. I have learned the hard way that radical honesty is the best policy.

Standing Patiently

Man It sounds like you're really hurting, and that you have realized some areas you need to work on. Thats good, but you cant blame yourself for all the problems in your M. Nothing justifies infidelity, but youe W sounds like she has some things she needs to work on also. I am the BS in my situation and I know you were wanting WS to respond. I just wanted to say, beat yourself up if ya have too but realize that your W contributed alot to your problems

I'm a BS, not a WS, but from what I've read and based on my own circumstances, affairs frequently occur because the WS is not getting some emotional need(s) met by the BS. The WS then goes in search of someone to fill these needs. Affairs often begin as something benign like a close friendship that develops into an EA and then into a PA.

In my case, I had been very detached and unemotional, and I would frequently lash out viciously (verbally) at my husband. After several years of that, my H decided to search elsewhere for the warmth he wasn't getting from me. I know this is not an excuse for having an affair, but it sure did lay the groundwork. WH and I are now in individual counseling (IC), but it's unclear if we'll come out still married when this is over. I've already identified my mistakes, and I am making the necessary changes to improve myself. I'm willing to work on our marriage; however, WH is still not sure if he wants to stay or leave. I wish he felt as you do and would re-commit to our marriage.

If you haven't already done so, you should read the infidelity topics on this website. I think you'll find them quite informative.

I hope some other wayward spouses respond. I, too, would like to know why they think they entered into affairs.

Alone:

I wish my x-wife also would have wanted to try. I have so much to give her if only she would try again. Alas, the pull of this OM seems far too great. He cannot (nor will ever) do any wrong. Nonetheless, I keep up hope alive because this OM, wonderful though he must be, does not seem to be in it for the long-term. Even after dating and sleeping with my wife/x-wife for 21+ months, he still has not met our children. Nor has my x-wife basically told my children anything about him. For this reason, I have to wonder whether there is really a long term commitment. What do you think?

But we talking about why men commit adultery, I guess I am one of the rare ones for whom an EA was never a question. It was all PA, pushed on by curiosity, revenge, and again conflict avoidance. It was the way I chose to "get even".

Are there other WHs out there who care to share their motivations?

Standing Patiently

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong> StandingPatiently

I'm not the one who betrayed but from what my husband I have "leant + found out" his affair had alot to do with "Avoiding Conflicts".

This was my husbands biggest problem. He never wanted to "work through" conflicts because he saw this as "fighting" and it would upset him.
Instead he kept his "true feelings" inside and this grew and grew within years.
And it ended up to be "anger and resentment" within himself.

This is no justification for his affair but due to the fact that we have became aware of this, my husband no longer avoids conflicts and he no longer "shuts away" matters that disturb him. He deals with them immediately and he deals with them with "me".

I was "never" a conflict avoider and therefore I'd say I didn't have any "resentment or anger" built up inside. I had always dealed with things together with my husband and therefore I never had the "urge" to share problems with anyone else of the opposite sex.
(this is how my husbands started) He shared "his" problems that had "built up" within the years with OW instead of doing this with me.

So I think that "betrayal" or "unhonesty" begins long before an affair actually occurs.
Keeping thoughts and feelings to yourself and not sharing them "honestly" with the spouse is like hiding your true self and therefore the spouse never really has a "true chance" to change things that might disturb the WS.

Things could be so easy in life and affairs could be avoided if only people would understand that it is so important to "open up and be honest" instead of "shutting down and being afraid of a conflict" because the conflict afterwards is a mountain compaired to the little bump that "immediate honesty" causes.

I hope that I made a little sence, even though I am the Bs and not the WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
take care
bb </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">bb --

This made me sit up straight in my chair and my heart starting racing. I immediately had my W (cruisegonebad) come read the post. In our sit., I am like you and she is like your H. My W has always been a "conflict avoider" -- I would often BEG her to talk to me and work out some issue we were having. She generally chose to stuff it down inside and not open up. The result -- she had an A 7 years ago and I only learned of it 2 months ago (she avoided the conflict of telling me!).

We are still trying to figure out the "whys" of her A, but this post really added some clarity. Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Todd

Hi BB,

I am the wife of Todd1967 who just posted. I am the WS and I really related to what you wrote.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
This was my husbands biggest problem. He never wanted to "work through" conflicts because he saw this as "fighting" and it would upset him.
Instead he kept his "true feelings" inside and this grew and grew within years.
And it ended up to be "anger and resentment" within himself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, I am so much like your husband (no exactly) this is what I would do. I hated to confront Todd beacause I would allow it to turn into a conflict. I would avoid that like the plaugue!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is no justification for his affair but due to the fact that we have became aware of this, my husband no longer avoids conflicts and he no longer "shuts away" matters that disturb him. He deals with them immediately and he deals with them with "me".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know how this makes you feel being the BS but as the WS it is a completely exhilirating feeling. I never realized how damaging it was to myself and our marriage to hold my feelings in.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I think that "betrayal" or "unhonesty" begins long before an affair actually occurs.
Keeping thoughts and feelings to yourself and not sharing them "honestly" with the spouse is like hiding your true self and therefore the spouse never really has a "true chance" to change things that might disturb the WS. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!!! It is not fair to them at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Things could be so easy in life and affairs could be avoided if only people would understand that it is so important to "open up and be honest" instead of "shutting down and being afraid of a conflict" because the conflict afterwards is a mountain compaired to the little bump that "immediate honesty" causes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I had known this when Todd and I got married (or before)and truly understood how this could ruin a relationship. I hope to take our experiences and teach them to our children as they are growing up and when they begin to understand relationships for themselves.

BB, thanks for your post and your willingness to share. It has helped Todd and me and given us some good things to discuss.

Cruise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


bb

Todd:
Cruise:

It`s great to see a married couple participating in this forum. It demonstrates how together you are. Congratulations!!

I have a question though.

After the affair was revealed, what was the single most important reason why you decided to work on your marriage and not seek divorce?

What affected the thinking? Did it matter what kind of affair it was?; why it happened?, when it happened? How did you deal with the regaining trust issue? How long did it take to forgive?, to forget? Did you Todd ever think about seeking revenge by having your own affair?

Standing Patiently

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 06:11 AM: Message edited by: StandingPatiently ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StandingPatiently:
<strong>After the affair was revealed, what was the single most important reason why you decided to work on your marriage and not seek divorce?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SP:

First a little background...
W walked out 2/5/04 and her father came to tell me she was planning to divorce me because I was a terrible husband (my words, not his). On 2/6 each of us met with a MC independently without knowing the other did. On 2/9 we had a joint session and it was great. We had decided by that point we would work to restore the M and the MC said he would not work with us if we were talking divorce (he is an elder in our church). At this time, the A was not revealed. The same night, 2/9, I planted the idea that I wanted to talk about what had happened on that cruise 7 years before (I had thought she kissed him passionately, but nothing more -- naive me).

On 2/12, after another session with MC, I brought it up and pressed. The way she was acting, I expected to find out she had done some groping with the OM, but did NOT expect that she had slept with him. I asked if there had been more than kissing and she answered "not really." So I flat out asked if she had slept with him. When she said she had, I was in shock and disbelief. The rest of that night is a blur. I also asked if that was everything. Unfortunately, she hid some more from me.

I wrote her a letter saying I must know 100% of everything and I was only "99.9999% sure" she had revealed all. On 2/15 (after a great V-day), she met alone with MC to reveal the A so he would know how best to work with us (and also because she had flat lied to him about it also). While she met with him, I was reading a letter left for me in which she revealed having gone back a second night to be with OM (who was a stranger she had met only ~6 hrs before sleeping with him on night 1). The fact she had lied to me at this point, when we had agreed to be 100% honest and save our marriage, was devastating. I was physically sick and unable to function for 3 days. I cried uncontrollably all the time (and I have almost NEVER cried in front of her before all this). I even got drunk for the first time in my life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
What affected the thinking? Did it matter what kind of affair it was?; why it happened?, when it happened?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Soooo, the shorter answer is YES, it did matter -- with the caveat that we had already decided to save our M before D-Day. It mattered/matters greatly to me that she went back a 2nd night, as that meant she had PLANNED it, rather than just doing something stupid following too much alcohol (which is what I wanted to believe, even though she freely admits she was not drunk and was a willing participant on the first night).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
How did you deal with the regaining trust issue? How long did it take to forgive?, to forget? Did you Todd ever think about seeking revenge by having your own affair?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The trust is not even close to being regained, even with all our progress.

A prime example -- last night we had a great night watching TV together. Just before turning the TV off, she made a comment about an actor by name. My observation is that she only remembers the names if she finds somehting attractive about the actor (I might be wrong). Anyway, I asked if she thought he was "hot." Yes, I know it was a stupid question, but I was seriously more curious than anything (as in, WHY do you think so -- I am curious alot these days). She hesitated a fraction of a second in answering me and I immediately felt the jolt as if she was trying to "shape" her words so as to avoid hurting me. To me, it meant she was not being totally 100% open. At any rate, I did a poor job and it escalated quickly into a full-blown thing, with name-calling, etc. We were able to talk it through before going to bed, but it was a pretty big deal.

As to forgiveness -- I'd like to think I've forgiven, but I'm not sure I know yet. As to forgetting -- I doubt that will EVER happen.

The revenge affair -- YES, I have thought about it, and continue to struggle with those thoughts. I think this is primarily a self-esteem thing -- I want to feel desirable to another woman the way my W felt desirable to another man. This scares my W quite a bit, but I won't hide the fact I have these feelings. I will never hide my feelings again, even briefly, because my W hid the A from me for 7 years and it nearly destroyed us (and I'm not saying we are out of the danger zone yet).

Sorry for the lengthy response. Continue to ask and make observations -- this is showing to be of great help to our recovery.

Todd

Cruise,
I know this is standings thread so I'll make this brief, but your avoidance sounds alot like my wife. She also refuses to open up to me and it has caused alot of pain and trouble in our M as well. I'm not sure Im ready to get her on the forum, but that post of yours would be great for her to read.

7

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 02:15 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

Medic,

I am new to writing on the forum. I would encourage your wife to write as soon as she can. I resisted and really wished that I had started sooner. Some of the responses have been somewhat painful but it has made me think a lot about what I did and how it affects Todd. It has opened up so many things for us. We talk nightly about posts that have been written and it has really been good.

Lots of luck,
Cruise

Standing, responding to your original note looking for a betraying spouse, I am one, male, married 24 years. I am American, my wife is Mexican.

Until reading Harley's books, I couldn't put words to it, but things have become much clearer for both my wife and I since exposing my infidelity and seeking help. Our counsular discontinued our sessions because we were not making progress, in fact, things got worse at each session.

I have to be brief because I'm sneaking this note in at work, but I think Harley's got it right. The way to avoid an affair is to eliminate the conditions that make an affair needed. First and foremost, honesty, everyday. Lies get very big.

It is most unfortunate that your wife left you after being honest with her. My wife is very happy that I decided to follow radical honesty. In a private session with me our counsular did not support the idea of exposing everything. She did not think that the risk is worth taking.

You sound like you are feeling very guilty, and I recommend that you stop feeling that way. You did the right thing, you took a chance, and your wife took the option to start over rather than rebuild. You can't control that.

I'm feeling very confident right now as I write this, but believe me, I've been at the bottom of the pit many times over in the last six months since exposing my affair. So to answer your question, how to avoid affairs in the future... Harley's got it right, proper maintenance of the relationship. It is very unlikely that you should shoulder all the blame like it sounds like you are doing. The root cause of an affair is not so much a lack of ethics, it's a lack of knowledge, a lack of communication, and the lack of a language with which to communicate.

Harley's concept of withdrawal did it for me. My wife and I had been living in a state of withdrawal for ten years without knowing it. We were an accident (affair) waiting to happen. Fortuantely for me, she recognizes the value of radical honesty and, so far, has managed to deal with the pain that I caused her. We are clearly on the road to a better life together.

Good luck to you Standing, and give yourself some credit.

Standing: The question you ask is the same that betrayed spouses have, why did you do it? People talk about emotional needs not being met. That is not true all the time. The needs may be met and still it happens. Also, needs are not communicated and how is one to read a mind. In any event, there is simply no excuse to infringe that much pain to the person closest to you. I do agree with the concept of radical honesty. Without honesty it is impossible to regain trust, which in itself is very hard to do after that experience. Sorry that you have to be here.

In my case, my WW did not communicate her needs after a long period of trying to. She reached a point where she gave up. She said that she wasn't looking for an A, but that it just happened. I know that for the most part my needs were met. I had opportunity to have A's over the last 10 years, but always turned away (from both EA & PA) because I didn't want to hurt my W. I wish she would have turned away before her A turned into a PA.

You can't read another person's mind, but I guess at this point, I'll try to be more observant about meeting her needs.

But as you said, there is simply no excuse....

In my case it was a matter of feeling like I was a lesser person than my sweet husband. He has worked so hard in his life to reach the position that he has achieved, while I have done nothing but worked in the same dead end job the past thirteen years.

When we first met, he was already worth a great deal of money. Myself, I was barely scraping by on my meager earnings. After we had wed, I always carried the feeling that I was somehow not in his league and that he deserved someone that was a little more top shelf. The weird thing is that we both came from the same background of the middle-lower class.

If I had simply opened my eyes, or actually talked with him about how I felt, I would never have fallen so far down. He always truly loved and adored me, but I think it's too late now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just a little of how I felt before I lost my soul.

Jessica

shiningit: Does your H know about what you did? How is he taking it since? Why do you say it is too late?

Hello Why-me?,

Yes, my husband knows everything about my time in hell. I confessed everything to him on Boxing Day 2002, the day after I finally kicked my drug habit. Unfortunately, I had done so many terrible things, and I had waited so long to tell him, that the damage done has been ten-fold. I'm sure you can imagine what last christmas was like, considering the one-year anniversary of D-day was right around that time.

As for how my husband is really doing, I'm not sure. He doesn't really express his pain to me, so I once did something really terrible and read some of his journal that our MC told him to keep. Should I tell him that I read it? If I do, I may never be able to find out again what he's thinking. He still cries sometimes. He thinks I don't know because he goes down to the dock by the lake and does it, but I know what he's doing. My heart feels like it's going to shatter into a thousand pieces when I see him down there. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

As for why I think it's too late, I'll write to you one of the few things I saw in my DH's journal.

"This marriage was like a ming vase, absolutely priceless. But now she's shattered it. We can glue it together and have it look as beautiful as it once did, but it will still be worthless."

What can I do?