I really want to keep our marriage together and even with all the pain hurt an agony I have been through I still don't see ANY reason to get a divorce.
She says she doesnt trust that.
She says I gave up everything to be married to you and I trusted you with my heart and you stabbed it, walked all over it and shredded it, I cant trust that it wont happen again if we get back together, you know me, when its over its over and I have never gone back to anyone, I did that once and got hurt even worse, I can't do that with you. She says, my ex BF did that to me and he did it while intoxicated, you did it while sober and that makes it even worse.

I am quite serious in wanting to make us, giving back to our marriage nothing less than the 100% I want to put into it.

She is still mad at me . I try and try to reassure her and reassure her but she is of the opinion that if it happened before than it WILL happen again.
All the blame gets put squarely put on my shoulders and I have dealt with what I did and when I came out of my fog I came out realizing that, yes I do want to stay married, I looked at all the reasons I wanted to marry her in the first place and I find more and more reasons to stay married, I have told her this in a genuine fashion but she says "you are the type of person who gets what they want then after you get it you don't want it anymore".

I have told her that if we get back together then yes, we may have problems from time to time, all marriages do, but how we handle them will make all the difference in the future.

One of her biggest problems she has right now is a friend of hers that is feeding and feeding on her negative emotions, her friend was married twice and is a viament man hater and man user. The more she hangs around this person the more she emulates her behaviour and the worse it gets between us. I am SOOOO tired of others coming between our marriage.

I really feel that the reason she is acting like this is because she has copious amounts of guilt about things she has done since we have been seperated.

She has been acting like a total alien, she keeps looking for more and more ways to justify her bad behaviour and blaming me is her way of total justification.

Simply put, I want ALL of my marriage, I need 100% total and complete committment from her.

Maybe I should just voice my concerns about where we are headed and reasons I see not to get divorced and commit the ultimate slap in the face.

help

You need to listen to your wife. You need to validate her feelings. Then you need to look at yourself. Before the A, where did you go wrong? What are the needs that you weren't fulfilling for your wife? She has a lot of anger and I don't think it's all from the A. She has concerns. What are they? How will you address them?

Yes, you've tried to reassure her that you will never cheat again, but she needs to see some kind of change in you. Either in how you talk to her or how you interact with her. You may just need to give her time. Study Plan A. You should be trying to fulfill as many as your wife's ENs as you possibly can.

She will be fighting with herself for a long time. She will always wonder if she should just leave you. You haven't got to the place where she needs you to be. I don't hear alot of remorse in your post.

And I don't mean to put all the blame on your shoulders, but this is the path that all partners who want to save their marriage need to take. We (BS or WS) have to just concentrate on the other person's needs for awhile. Something went wrong in your marriage and this site has a plan to get you back on track.

Are you in counseling? You will learn how to communicate your feelings so that your wife can hear you and vice versa. That is the only way you will both start to see the changes you want to see.

Go out and buy "Surviving an Affair". Both of you should read it. Good luck!

You feel upset because someone (her friend) is coming between both of you. But what do you think allowed for that? You need to put yourself in her situation. She is reaching out for someone to trust and talk to. Unfortunately, that person mey not be giving positive advice.
Listen to her, try to understand her feelings and go the extra mile to show that what you are not empty words. But before you do anything, you need to understand why you did what you did. You cannot control what others do, but you can control what you do only if you understand yourself.

Ok, I need to clairify.
I (husband) have NOT cheated and have NEVER cheated on my wife. She had not cheated on me the entire time we were together, she went out with couple guys as friends while we were having problems but that was it. She told me the other day "ya know even as close as I got to mr x I never had sex with him while we both lived under the same roof"

After we seperated and she was under the man hating influence of her then roommate I am sure she crossed the sexual line a few times. Her whole personality took a total and complete flip form the woman I was married to for years. Her roommate got her hooked back on pot, heavy partying and drinking. I think that because she crossed her own moral lines that is what affected her so deeply, she was saying things and doing things that simply were not her.

I have a lot of remorse over the breakdown of our marriage and I have been in counseling for quite a while solo.

She now freely admits that her then roommate did a lot of damage to our relationship and that if we would have gotten back together then we would not be where we are at today in our relationship.

Now she is at a point of telling me what she needs form me to feel comfortable enough to make a home again and I am listening joyfully and applying that in the loving caring fashions I lost focus of.