I just found out a week ago that my H is having an EMA. It is with a W he works with. It's been going on for a couple of months, but her H found their IM records and the truth came out. My H only told me because her H was going to. I honestly believe this is the only reason I know now. We have been together for over 13 years and have three children. I feel so violated.

We are currently still living together. The OW is separated and filing for a divorce. When talking with my H, I got another shock when I found out that the OW wants my H to move in with her. I honestly don't know if my H wants me to kick him out to make it easier for him to do this or not. He says he loves me and he wants to work it out. However, he still works with her. He won't just quit. There's no way we could survive financially, so this is his reason. I believe the emotional attraction is too hard for him to let go of.

I understand why it happened. I'm not blameless. I found myself in a place where a lot of wives and mothers do. All time is dedicated to your kids and you forget what it is like to be in love or be loved. All of a sudden someone else finds you attractive and the newness is there, etc. I guess I can just see further down the road and know that you just don't do it.

I apologize for the ranting. There is so much more going on here, but I really don't know where to start. I have to tell someone. I've told no one and it's killing me. Do I really want him to stay or do I just want to keep him away from her? I'm really just looking for an outlet and some feedback. Anything you can help me with would be appreciated.

I am so sorry for your pain. You have found a good outlet and resource in dealing with your pain.

You know you are going to have to answer your own question about whether you want him to stay or your wanting to keep him from OW. But, I think it is a good question to ponder. IMO, there is one path that can lead to a successful recovery (you want him) and yes a better marriage, and the other will just lead to more heartache (keeping him from OW).

Please read all you can here and don't be too hasty in making any decisions. It takes time to process pain of this magnitude, and there are 3 kids to consider.

Blessings -- and comfort in your pain.

Well you've certainly come to the right place to share your pain. This site is a god send for me. Read as much as you can on the main body of the site it will really help and then come here to vent and bounce ideas off of others.
I assume the answer to your question about if you want to keep your M intact would be yes or you wouldn't have come to a place called marriage builders.
Best of luck to you. With H and OW working together it will be extra tricky to keep them apart but they're all tricky.

Thank you so much for resonding. I really feel I can get some guidance from reading these posts. I just get so frustrated and it's nice to know that I have somewhere I can go and get the perspective from others who have been through the same.

Start in Plan A, try not to kick WH out until you have read all about it here. It is very miserable at first, but does get better. Hang in there.

sydney,

From the time of discovery, until the first part of recovery....is the ickiest and hardest time. I am so so very sorry you are here.

Some of what I'm going to tell you to do is very scary and takes a great deal of courage because it will go against your instincts and you'll just be very afraid of making your spouse angry, but please hear me out until the end because I really do know what I'm talking about.

Buy a copy of Surviving an Affair...because the steps that I'm going to give you are outlined in more detail there.

*Look at the ways your marriage became vulnerable and your husband's unmet needs and do your best to fulfill the ones that he will allow you to.

*Stop all lovebusters...every single solitary one. This will be hard because you are hurting very deeply and will want to lash out and punish him. But in this Plan....Plan A....you will need your strength to do these two things.

*Confront him (if you haven't already) with what you know, and how you know it. Also confront (not argue with) him about how the affair makes you feel. Use clear statements: I feel.....when this happens. Stay away from metaphors "like garbage" "like doo doo"...keep to realy emotions. I feel devasted, hurt, angry, betrayed and so on.

*EXPOSE the affair. If he will not end the affair on his own, write a no contact letter, begin NOW to look for a new job...exposure is absolutely necessary. Consider a step by step exposure...since the OWs husband already knows, and the boss can't be told without causing financial hardship at this point....tell whoever else may be able to help you. His parents, his brothers or sisters...his friends...the pastor. You know the people he cares for and respects. If you need to write an exposure letter...get help here.

Read about all these concepts: Plan A, exposure, confrontation etc. Ask lots of questions.

And then finally:

Get a marriage coach. I recommend Penny Tupy or Jennifer Chalmers. You need a guide through these rough waters

Blessings to you!!!

sydney101, I am glad that you found this site, it will help you - I know it has for me. I'm still very new at this, I just found out about an EA one week ago. There are many wonderful people here who can provide you with guidance and advice on what to look for and expect. Your H's and OW situation will be very difficult because they work together, but perhaps you could interfere by just showing up for lunch or popping in occasionally. Perhaps this would cause a little bit of fear in them for possibly being caught in the act (so to speak). Don't be afraid to ask questions, be direct but not accusatory and please get into MC. Counseling will be vital into helping you repair your marriage by providing a safe place to confront him about the affair. God bless.