PNC - Welcome to the system. While I regret the circumstances that have brought you here, I am thrilled that the Lord has led you to a system where you can get some real support and real advice on how to recover your marriage and have the sort of marriage you truly desire.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway, I responded in fairly typical manner...shock, anger, hurt and then overcompensation. I have gone back and forth as to what I should do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perfectly normal reaction and NOT something you should feel guilty about or beat yourself up over. Your marriage has been "raped," should you feel nothing? Should you feel "it's okay?" Not hardly, you need to feel what you are feeling. The only caution that I would throw out here is that while it's okay to have all the emotional feelings, be careful in what ACTIONS you allow yourself in response. Righteous anger is okay and allowed by God. "...but in your anger, do not sin."
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One time was bad enough but 2 times just does not seem to merit forgiveness (hard for me being a christian). I go b/w leaving and staying (for the children, families, job....etc......and I do love him).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perfectly understandable and it does NOT MERIT forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that we do without the offender "meriting" it. Your reactions of "run" or "stay" are normal. This has been no simple "mistake". This has been your husband totally disregarding you and your feelings in pursuit of his own very selfish desires. There is NO excuse, no justification, no problem in the marriage that "justifies" violating the marriage covenant between God, you and him. It's called "sin." It's called sin of the most heinous nature that GOD allows it as the one reason for ending a marriage without the faithful spouse also commiting a sin. It is SERIOUS. Your feelings are felt to the core of your soul, and God and those of us who have been through it know it.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just wonder if I can get to the point where I do not question everything he says and does.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes you can, but it is unlikely that it will happen for years. If you are both attempting to recover your marriage, you will find yourself learning to trust again...but it will be based upon his his earning your trust as a trustworthy person. "Blind Trust" is gone forever. When you do begin trusting, you will likely "trust in stages." That means you will begin by trusting in some areas, but that total trust will take a very long time and be based upon consistant, trustworthy, honest behavior on the part of your husband over the course of many years. TWICE. Twice that you know about. Once, perhaps, but twice indicates a serious problem in your husband's mind and heart, and that is where I'd like to go next.
You stated that you are Christian. What about your husband? If Christ is not Lord of both of your lives, I will wish you well, but tell you that the "basis" for recovery (and marriage in general) is very different for both of you. Especially in the area of WHO establishes the Boundaries and Standards in your lives and WHO has the authority to say "right or wrong."
If your husband claims to be a Christian, there is great hope for both of you. But I will add the caution that he (through his actions) is indicating that he has NOT made Christ Lord of his life. HE wants to remain "in control" of his choices and thinks that he can decide what to do or not do and has the innate strength within himself to "do the right thing."
One of things that we are commanded to do is to forgive IF the sinner confesses, repents, and seeks our forgiveness in much the same manner that we seek God's forgiveness. That is a "starting point" for you in recovering your marriage. But again, it begins with your husband.
It is patently obvious that he does not "allow" Christ to be sovereign Lord of his life, and would be merely lieing to himself if he thinks that he has been. But, without knowing more about what sort of "Christian" you both might consider yourselves, I'm going to stop there for now.
To help you, and him if he will seriously commit to recovering and "doing what it takes" to "prove" himself to you and to undertake the commitment to your marriage vows, I would highly recommend that you begin by reading several books on the subject. There are many, so begin one, or a few, of the "best."
In order of preference (mine) I would recommend beginning with the following books:
Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder (written from a Christian perspective.
Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley (the founder of this site and the Marriage Builders principles.
That's enough for starters. Other than books, read all the articles on this site.
When you decide that you are both actually going to commit to recovering your marriage, then I'd also highly recommend that you move your posting to the Recovery Board and stay away from reading the Just Found Out and General Questions II forums for a while. The reason is simply that the amount of hurt and emotion on those forums can be internalized by you, drag you down mentally, and you need to focus on YOUR marriage right now.
God bless and comfort you as you begin this process.
Know that you are among friends here who have gone through it and who will sympathize and support you when needed, and who will also say the "tough" things should the need arise.
