W told me, today, that she wanted a D 'couse she couldn't see it working. She is the WS, and she also told me it had happened more than I knew about. I don't want to do this, I love her very much. I hope this is the "fog" and we can get through this. It hurts so much when your wife tells you "It feels like we are just good freinds". What can I do? How can I get her into MC? I feel like my world is crashing in on me. Please help me save the most important thing in my life. I need some answers and everyone I can talk to tells me to run, My family and hers. Her mother fusses at her and tells her to give me a D. I feel that may be where it is coming from.

Hi -
I am sorry you find yourself in this position. You don't say how long you have been married, or if you have children, but I guess it doesn't matter - you know what you want. Is your wife still involved in the affair?
I would recommend a book called "The Divorce Remedy". It has practical steps in it that you can use to save your marriage, much like the Plan A recommended on this website. It helped me get from the point where my H didn't know if he wanted to be married to me two months ago to attending MC and working on resolving our issues together. It is slow going, but it can be done.
Good luck and take care of yourself.

This is all fogtalk. Stay in Plan A and keep taking care of yourself. Pretend like you are going on with your life and get out and do things to keep you sane.

Tell her you don't want a D. Stick with us, most of us have been through the same thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> This is all fogtalk. Stay in Plan A and keep taking care of yourself. Pretend like you are going on with your life and get out and do things to keep you sane.

Tell her you don't want a D. Stick with us, most of us have been through the same thing. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by roos:
<strong> [QUOTE]Originally posted by believer:
<strong> This is all fogtalk. Stay in Plan A and keep taking care of yourself. Pretend like you are going on with your life and get out and do things to keep you sane.

Tell her you don't want a D. Stick with us, most of us have been through the same thing. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>[/QUO
sorry for mine writing i'am from holland
mine husband married 27 years want a divorce.Divorce is already started.He is 50 years, he fell in love to years ago, ow is 28.
affair was only for tree months.he game back because her boyfriend found out, he is back white her now for 4 months, live white her in weekends, en with his mother.Still come to see us doing things for us in the house.He was back for one year, i did very well in plan A.Things looked good. After a few months he called her again, i felt something was very wrong.i found out after three months, he was calling her every day,somtimes more dan three times.She wants her freedom, him in the weekend, en after to years she wants to live with him.I must sell the house everything we worked for.We have to beautiful girls 19 en 21 now adopted from sri-lanka.Somtimes i feel i will go to sleep and never wake-up.Tomorrow is mine birthday, feel so sad,he gave me parfume yesterday.Asked him to come over, he said now i don't want to see your family.He is with her now. Miss him so much, because, she is not the one that really love him.
i want him to give me a kiss for mine birthday.
sorry i feel so much hurt and pain now. Thank you.I read here every day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by roos:
<strong> [QUOTE]Originally posted by believer:
<strong> This is all fogtalk. Stay in Plan A and keep taking care of yourself. Pretend like you are going on with your life and get out and do things to keep you sane.

Tell her you don't want a D. Stick with us, most of us have been through the same thing. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>[/QUO
sorry for mine writing i'am from holland
mine husband married 27 years want a divorce.Divorce is already started.He is 50 years, he fell in love to years ago, ow is 28.
affair was only for tree months.he game back because her boyfriend found out, he is back white her now for 4 months, live white her in weekends, en with his mother.Still come to see us doing things for us in the house.He was back for one year, i did very well in plan A.Things looked good. After a few months he called her again, i felt something was very wrong.i found out after three months, he was calling her every day,somtimes more dan three times.She wants her freedom, him in the weekend, en after to years she wants to live with him.I must sell the house everything we worked for.We have to beautiful girls 19 en 21 now adopted from sri-lanka.Somtimes i feel i will go to sleep and never wake-up.Tomorrow is mine birthday, feel so sad,he gave me parfume yesterday.Asked him to come over, he said now i don't want to see your family.He is with her now. Miss him so much, because, she is not the one that really love him.
i want him to give me a kiss for mine birthday.
sorry i feel so much hurt and pain now. Thank you.I read here every day. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

'ol fool - All of what you are hearing does hurt. This "close to the trees" it IS difficult to see that things could get better. It does not appear that Christ is a part of your lives, so I'll just make a couple of brief comments that you can consider.

1. Your wife is deep in the "fog" of an affair and running on "feelings", not common sense or logic. She will attempt to blame you for the affair and to avoid responsibility for the heinous decision that she made. So take whatever she says while in this fogbound state and let it go "in one ear and out the other." Don't puke if you hear something like, "he's my soulmate." They say all sorts of idiotic things when lost in the fog.

2. IF YOU want to save the marriage then YOU must be committed to remain in Plan A and to endure with unending patience the real disrespect for you and the covenant of marriage that your wife is demonstrating. YOU will have to shoulder the burden of recovery alone, because she is not "onboard" and is still in an affair.

3. This is the hard part that you are going to have to address one way or the other....let me use a quote from a post you made on March 29 to illustrate:

"Things were going so good. I just need some advise from a nuetral source. She doesn't want to go to concieling, or try to get any help. She told me she could deal with it, seeing him and working with him daily. I'm not so sure, she has admited the thought of being with him again. What can I do? Her place of employement has a policy against this. I could have them both fired, but I don't want to hurt her in any way. I'm afraid that would hurt us more than help us. Need help!!

Recovery, will not happen as long as there is Contact with the OM. Since she has made it clear that SHE will not take the necessary steps to break contact (up to and including leaving the job if necessary) it will be up to you do what is necessary.

This is hard and this is risky because the only reaction you are likely to get at this stage is anger at you. But, there CANNOT be a 3rd person in any marriage. As long as there is, you DO NOT have a marriage. It is already over. So all you are really risking is that a divorce becomes a reality. Truth is, you are headed that way anyway because your wife is so deep in the fog that you and your marriage don't figure into her thinking. Parents, or anyone, who abet and encourage her are simply enablers. So ignore them. YOU do what is right and necessary.

If that includes informing the "bosses" then that is what is needed. This, too, is part of your marriage commitment to "protect" your wife. That protection extends to self-destructive actions on her part that you must protect her from (even is she won't "like" it). There ARE consequences from all all decisions. Affairs thrive in the dark, in secret,on lies and fooling others. Affairs wither and die in the light of day. They KNOW it's wrong, that's why they lie and try to keep it secret. So by all means, what do you really have to lose by exposing their affair to the authorities over them? Nothing but "forcing the issue." They will have to deal with the full ramifications of their adulterous choices. It could cost them their jobs (so be ready for a financial loss for the marriage). But if it gets them separated, then you've managed to achieve one step in the recovery process.

What you gain is a "crisis state." Right now you are allowing the "status quo" to exist and for you to "twist in the wind" as they continue to have no respect for your feelings or the covenant of marriage. A "crisis" precipitates action.

Yes, things may seem to get worse before they get better, but they will be forced to deal with ALL the consequences and realities of a CHOICE to engage in adultery.

Bottom line to all recovery is that there can be NO CONTACT with the OP of any kind, for any reason, for the rest of the WS's life. Time and time again I have seen people on this system try to go with contact, or to remain "friends." Unequivocably, it does NOT work. It leads to future problems. Deal with the pain NOW. If you have to go through it, go through it once.

This is called "Tough Love" by Dr. James Dobson. You might want to read a copy of his book "Love Must Be Tough" for a fuller explanation.

From one "'ol fool' to another", it IS hard, but it can be done and you can recover a successful marriage. But not while she is in the fog. So put into practice the ideas of Plan A and commit to patience and endurance like you've probably never thought possible before. Embrace your marriage vows and know that you are "being there" for her through the worst of times as your way of honoring your marriage vows.

God bless.

Thanks for the posts. I did tell her that I didn't want a divorce. We are staying in opposite ends of the house. I can't afford to leave. Now she said that it is over with the OM. She said that he hurt her emotionally. I'm not so sure it wasn't slightly physical or both. I feel I need to play a little hard to get. I have been tring to win her back. I have been very affectionate and she hasn't wanted any part of it. She told me she wished I would be a little mean to her, instead of so nice. That is the way I was brought up, " You are to be nice to women, treat them like they are your mother or sister, give them respcet in every way". I also believe what I read in the Bible. The book of Hosea is where I found some good information. Hosea was directed by God to go buy his wife out of prostition. I love my wife, and yes it hurts knowing what she did, but I feel I should explore all avenues before the big D. I have had people tell me that they can't believe that this has happened, becouse we are Christions. I can't believe they think the devil can't temp a Christion.
Well once again I thank you for the post. I 'm going to stick with her as long as I can. I told her I wasn't giving up on her.

Happy Birhtday Roos!!!!! Hope you get what you want. I feel for you.

ol' fool - Being a Christian does not prevent an affair from happening. Both my wife and I are Christians, but that didn't stop her affair from happening. It began as a friendship at work, like so many affairs begin. It lasted 6 years.

Since you have indicated that you are both Christians, then I will tell you that Joint Christian Marital Counseling is a MUST for both of you. You both need the strength and guidance of a counselor committed to saving marriages and who will hold you both accountable for obedience to God's commands.

If you need to find one near where you live I would recommend you log onto the website for the National Association of Nouthetic (meaning biblical) Counselors.

The address is :

National Association of Nouthetic Counselors

There are several other links to posts here that you might find helpful.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of emotions on both sides right now, so it will take a while to sort through them.

She is probably feeling rejected by the OM (I know that sounds dumb but we are talking about feelings here) and hurt. She is probably feeling guilty for the pain she has caused from a poor choice that led to sin against God and you.

You are probably dealing with feelings like shock, disbelief, repressed anger at God ("how could you have let this happen?), feeling 'second best', that she is home only because the OM did something to hurt her and she knew you'd be "forgiving," etc. We all know the array of feelings and thoughts well, having gone through them ourselves.

Hosea is good starting point, but it requires more than that. It requires Christ-like forgiveness and commitment by both of you to be obedient to God's commands REGARDLESS of how you might be feeling at any given time.

Right now, in addition to the hurt and anger that your wife is feeling about the OM, she is also probably going through withdrawal symptoms. For now, just know that withdrawal will end (usually in about 4 weeks) but that it will start all over again if there is ANY contact with the OM. The break must be total and complete. It must be treated as any "addiction" would be, with complete abstinence from the addictive agent.

God bless and grant you wisdom in seeking His will for your marriage, and great patience in allowing Him to work with both of you to draw you closer to Him in your individual walks. You will find that as each of you begins to move closer to God, you will move closer to each other. It never fails when you are both seeking to do His will, even if you are progressing at differing rates of "speed."

Happy birthday roo. Hang in there everyone. It is miserable, but gets better. Please try to take care of yourselves. It really helps.