It's almost Christmas and I guess I have the Christmas blues. Never had them before until this year. I have been reading many of the posts and the articles here and they give me some hope. But I still have more questions than answers. My situation does not seem to fit of the typical(if there is typical) senerios. Maybe someone can help me because I have tried everything.<BR> My husband and I have been married for almost 11yrs.(Jan. 12th is our anniv.). We have 3 beautiful children and one due in June. We had a very close relationship and have known each other for 17yrs. I felt he was my best friend and thought he felt the same. He was a very generous and caring husband and father. Always there and very loving. Every woman always told me how lucky I was to have such a good man, a diamond in the rough. <BR> He is in the military. He was given orders to move almost 800 miles away from where we bought a home and were going to settle permanently, at the last minute. He was given 3 weeks notice. He had a lot of job stress with the job here and they removed him from it so he had no choice. The kids and I had to stay behind. He was planning to put in to get out but they told him after 3 months of trying that there was no chance and that he would have to move us there or deal with the seperation. <BR> At that time I started noticing his attitude changing. He was very evasive and moody on the phone. Never where I could reach him and always getting angry when I questioned his whereabouts. He was started on some Zoloft about 2 weeks before I noticed a dramatic behavior change. Out of the blue he announced to me that he did not feel like he wanted to be married any more and did not know why. I asked him if there was another woman and of course got the usual response , "No, of course not. This is about me." My gut feeling told me other wise. He came home for a week because I was sick. At this time he was still on Zoloft but they raised his dose to 100 mg. He had been a non-smoker for 17 years that I've known him and now was smoking 2 packs a day. Drinking a lot of beer. He confided in me that he felt guilty and worthless. He hated himself and did not love himself enough to love anyone else. He said he had slept with someone 3 times and that he thought he might love them but realized he did not and stopped. But he still could not look at me. He felt he was not in love with me the same as when we got married. He did not know why. He said that he could not even think about our unborn child because he could not be a good father right now to our children that are here. He said he had no love to give. Towards the end of the week he was saying that he wanted our marriage to work out and that he did not want to lose his family. That he could not have everything he wants. He left home with the promise to call me when he arrived to his training school which was up north from us and that in January we would plan to move to his bse if he could not get out. He kissed the kids goodbye and told them how much he loved us all and that he would call them the next day.<BR> He never called and never arrived at his school until 5 days later. I found that out through his duty station. When they questioned his whereabouts he just shrugged it off and said he wanted to be left alone and wanted a divorce. I called his hotel room and talked to him and he denyed saying that and he did not acknowledge that he had been missing for 5 days and scared everyone to death. He shrugged it off saying he needed to drive and think. He had wrecked his other car on the way home and left it 600 miles away and said he had went back there to get his antenna, some chips, and his car radio. I had followed his credit card and saw he went almost 17 hours from home. When I questioned him he said he visited a female friend to talk. He denied it was a lover. He said he loved me and did not want a divorce, he just did not know what he wanted. He told me he would call our children the next day and never did. <BR> I called him almost a week and a half later. He told me that he had decided he wanted a divorce. That he needed to find himself. That he had never had freedom before and been on his own. I was devasted and pleaded with him to reconsider. I asked him again about another woman and he flatly denied it. Stating it was all about him and no one else. He said he still wanted to talk to me and for me to be a part of his life. That he could not picture me not in his life.He promised to write the kids but said he could not talk to them on the phone at this time. After this conversation I did not talk to him again for another 2 weeks. He did not call or write me or the children.<BR> I found out I had to have surgery and everyone told me to call him and let him know. That he would want to be there for the kids and I. I called him and he was very insensitive. Saying he could not come home but that he was glad I let him know. I asked him if he still wanted a divorce he said yes. I told him I loved him and he said he knew. He did not ask about the kids or my pregnancy. I am responsible for all of our bill paying. So I asked him about the almost 4 thousand dollars he had spent in 2 weeks. I told him that this was not like him. That his behavior and attitude did a 180. He did not answer. I asked him about some charges that I saw recurr in that place 17 hours from here when he disappeared. He said he had drinking buddies there. I asked him if there was another woman and he said "No, and if there was." I told him if there was, did she know the truth. He asked if that was a threat. At that time I knew there was another woman.<BR> I did some research over the net. I found out more than I wanted to know. Letters from her to him and vice versa. He had met her over the internet in late August but met her in person in the end of September. He had been driving 8 hours every weekend to see her. She has 2 children. He had been spending time with her family and ignoring ours. I called her and she did not know about me or that I was pregnant. He told her that he was divorced for a year and it was a mutual divorce. She was very upset and started crying and apologizing to me. She said she never wanted to be the other woman. She said she was going to break it off with him. I asked her to call me or write to confirm when she did so. I never heard back from her. I did get a letter from my H about 5 days after I talked to her. He never mentioned her or the fact that I found out he had led to me and had been having an affair. Just said he still wanted a divorce, that it was a forgone conclusion, that we had to be civil for the kids sake and not hold grudges. That we needed to act like adults. He said that I needed to get over it and move on. He said he "loved his kids immensley and would never intenially hurt them but could not explain in logical thought patterns why he was doing this and that he would have done it a long time ago if he would have been more mature/experienced or whatever the word was for it. " He said he wanted to evolve back in to friends one day or hoped we could and that we needed to get along because it would make it easier for everyone involved.<P>When I read this letter it made my heart sink. I felt like I had been hit with ton of bricks. I could not believe that this was the same man that just 2 months ago was calling me all time and saying how much he loved me and writing me love notes. The same man that would play with his kids and be a devoted father. The letter was cold and insentive. I was not sure if he was still seeing this woman but figured that any woman with a sense of self would have dumped him. I later found out that she is very overweight, not kept or clean, and has a very low self-esteem. Which really makes me wonder what my H sees in her other than she is giving him attention that I was not.<P>I told my kids that dad would not be calling for a long while. That I felt that he was not himself and feeling well. Which I still don't. My daughter and son who are 6,9, really are taking this hard because dad has not called or written them for almost 2 months. I told my children that they could write him e-mail. He never answered. They called him at work and he never was there and would never call them back. I wrote him and pleased with him that whatever was between us, was that, to show his kids that he loves them and cares. He never has. Thanksgiving came and went. Nothing. The Tuesday after, my kids got lucky and reached him. He sounded happy to hear from them. He told my son that he would like to come home for Christmas but did not think he could. He then said he had to get off the phone to go back to work. He has never called or written them since. I called him about 2 weeks ago to once again beg him to call his kids. He said he would. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me or say (we had not spoken since I discovered his affair). I was hoping for an I am sorry. Instead I got a thankyou for all of his problems with debt, and traffic tickets, and that he had been demoted to a desk job because they feel he is mentally unstable. When I asked if he was still involved with OW he said "Yes, and what is it to you?" He was very mean. Not anything like the H I knew and loved.<P> My kids are wanting to see or hear from their dad for Christmas. I wrote my husband a Plan B letter and told him that I would no longer write or call him and I would not pay any of his bills. I told him that the door was open for him to contact his children and told him a person to contact to call me and let me know. He never has. It is like he has dropped all of us. I just don't understand how a man who has been loving for 14 years to me and always been a great dad could just change and forget about his family, his house, his dogs, and all of his belongings. It makes no sense. I don;t know what to do or think. I have tried everything to let my H know I love you and I am there for him. I was very angry about being lied to and the affair. Now I just feel sad and that he really needs help. I can't figure out if he is mentally ill or has turned in to a totally different person. He has been spending money like there is no tommorow with his and our credit cards, which I have canceled our joint accounts. He has not paid any bills of his own. He spent over 1 thousand on a government credit card and is 2 months overdue on paying the balance. He purchased unautorized items with it. He has not paid his car payment. I just don;t feel that I should help him because I will be enabling him to carry on like this. If he is sick , he needs help. I got a message from the OW the other day, "Get over it." I had not contacted her for a good month or so. I did write him the Plan B letter the day she said that. <P>May be there is someone out there that can help me. I want my marriage to work. I love my H more than the world. My 3 kids and unborn child need their dad. My H was such a beautiful person. The only man I knew who would get up in the middle of the night and feed the babies without a gripe. Everyone who knows him says that this is not the person they know. I want to find the person I know. Is there any hope? This has been going on since October. I don;t want to lose faith but it is hard. I pray every day for us and him.<P>Sorry to ramble on. Your help is appreciated. <P>God Bless.<P>IB <P>------------------<BR>///I_B///

Welcome <B>IB</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>You've been lurking so you already know that the people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>You should already know that there is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! If you've gotten into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> you should be well grounded in both plans.<P>Just as a reminder...the list of "terms" you should have come across have quikc links here...(click on them as a reminder):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Weekends will be slow...<BR>This weekend maybe the s l o w e s t...<P>Do you have the book..<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>?<BR>Plan B may have been a bit premature...<BR>But protecting yourself... physically and financially is never premature!<P>It's a crazy day for me today...<BR>I'll check back with you tomorrow... <P>Do post to a specific target...<BR>On a specific subject...<BR>Identifying who (betrayed) you are...<BR>(put these in the "subject" of your post)<P>Be patient... there will be responses...<BR>Your case is really not that unusal at all!<BR>There <B>are</B> people who care here!!!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, I know that your children don't understand either. I think that you have chosen to do the best thing possible. Stop paying his bills etc...don't carry the financial burden alone. Have you thought to contact his CO? Let them know what's going on, I know for a fact that the military does not condone this type of behavior and would make sure that he faces up to his responsibilities, at least financially. It sounds to me like your H has some serious mental problems that he needs to work through, and since he has been demoted for "unstableness" the military just might be able to supply him with counseling inform them of this, and hopefully he'll receive it. Good luck to you and yours this season, know that you are not alone, and that I am thinking of you. Just do what you can, be there for your kids, because this is just as hard on them as it is on you. Keep your chin up.<P>LilHick

IB....I'm so very very sorry for your current situation. I agree w/what LilHick said. I think that you should call your H's CO and inform them of what is going on. It sounds like you are going to have your baby soon and since you are in Plan B, I think you need to do what needs to be done in order to protect yourself and your children.<P>Your H definitely sounds unstable and needs help. Maybe the CO can help him get that help. Maybe this will snap him back into reality.<P>In the meantime, try to enjoy this x-mas with your family and hang in there. Hugs....

I think the thing that is most confusing is his treatment of our children as well as the attitude he has towards our unborn child. He has always said family comes first. He took the kids to school when he was here and was active with my daughter in her girl scouts. He played ball with them and did school projects. He loved giving our baby daughter a bath. Then to all of a sudden have total disregard for them as well as me is too much to take. To see the sadness in their eyes and listen to them ask why daddy is not calling, not writing, does he care, why does he not love them. <BR> If it were just me he were cheating on that would be one thing. But he is cheating his kids out of a dad. He is giving attention to the OW kids. I would not be able to turn my back on our children. It is one thing to be angry with your spouse or not want to be married.. but you don't disown your children for another woman. <BR> I have thought seriously about calling his CO. But I am afraid that will anger him even more. He is sending his paycheck for now. Though that does not cover all of his new debts. He is 2 months behind on his new car and they are going to repo it. He has not paid any of his other bills either. He does not even have the license plates on his new car because I have them. I was stupid enough to co-sign for the car and pay the down payment on it because I love him and he needed it. What we do for love? I just can't believe he is throwing his marriage, his kids, his career, and his finacial security down the tube for some person he met over the internet. <BR> I got a message from the OW yesterday and all it said was "Get over it." I am not sure if she was responding to my Plan B letter that I wrote my H. Maybe he told her about it. I felt that the message from her was very cold. I guess I always think, do unto others. I just can;t believe my H is involved with someone like that. <P>I will keep praying for my husband and our marriage and family. Your prayers will help too. I guess after something like this happens in your life it just really screws up your reality base. I never would have thought... goes through my mind over and over.<P>Have a Merry Christmas -- God Bless Us everyone.--

My personal situation does not seem so far off from yours...<P>I think I am just about to go to Plan B... for much the same reasons as you say about your husband.<P>I will have an appointment to talk to Steve Harley 12/27...<P>Check out my post on Monday afternoon...<P>You may consider a counseling session useful as well...<P>Merry Christmas... I hope for you a <B>good</B> day.<P>Jim