I talked to my W yesterday about the fact that she was putting forth no effort to save this marriage. She shows up to MC but thats it. She says that she wants this marriage to work out but she doesnt act like it. When I ask her if she is committed, she says some days yes, some days no. I informed her that even on the days when I was angry with her I still wanted my marriage to work. I dont know what else to do but I cant keep going with absolutely no effort from her. I hate to say it but I'm about ready to go for the big D myself. Any sggestions?

Know this won't help other than to know you aren't alone. My WW will say that she wants it to work, however she doesn't put forth much in the way of effort either. When I try to address some of our issues or things that have happened she always says the same thing... Is all you ever want to talk about are the bad things. Her idea of making things better is to pretend like nothing happened. When I tell her that I think we need to address what casued her to have an A so as to not repeat history she just gets mad. So we pretend like it never happened and we actually have good periods but because we never address things they just keep coming back. It is frustrating but I figure if I just keep beating my head against this wall sooner or later it has to come down.

Hang in there.

I talked to my W yesterday about the fact that she was putting forth no effort to save this marriage. She shows up to MC but thats it.
That is some effort.

What would your definition of effort be? What would she specifically have to do?

I informed her that even on the days when I was angry with her I still wanted my marriage to work.
…
I hate to say it but I'm about ready to go for the big D myself.
You want to work on the marriage but you’re ready for a divorce? Which is it?

I dont know what else to do but I cant keep going with absolutely no effort from her.
She’s not gone and she is going to counseling. Again, you do see SOME effort, maybe not as much as you’d like though. What would effort on her part be like?

Any sggestions?
Keep on plugging away in Plan A.

Medic you got some good advice from Chris and Mr. X. Hang in there and keep in Plan A. I have been battling for two years and reluctantly got W to talk to Steve Harley. She recently asked if we're done talking to him yet because she has seen the changes in ME. I so bad wanted to reply that it's not only me that needs to change but I bite my tongue and remember the goal.

You have to keep your eye on the ball. Don't waiver but be very consistent in your good Plan A. Look for the smallest success in return. If she brings you a cup of coffee consider it a small victory and build on that. Compliment her on anything nice she does, wears or says. One of the things I was told by Harley is to include W in decisions. Make it a joint process ie. going out dining suggest a couple of different restaurants and ask her thoughts. Don't just say where would you like to go? I might be getting off track here, but I want to say don't give up just because she isn't showing you 100% effort. You may have more stregnth then her right now. Good luck and keep us posted.

Thank you for the replies.
Chris, what I meant was, that in MC she shows up but comes away with nothing. Nothing changes after the fact. She moved out in Jan, so I dont see her bringing me coffee any time soon. She is hostile, blames me for everything wrong in our marriage, refuses to listen or work on the things that she needs too. I have given her several examples of problems of mine that I see now and am working on. She has yet to do the same. We have been told by our MC to spend alone time together at least once a week. That has happened maybe 4 times since Jan. We were supposed to be talking for @ least 15 minutes daily and learning to listen and communicate. I cant even get her to do that. Her idea of working on this M is for me to leave her alone. That is certainly not my idea of working on a marriage. I NEED to see some results, or at least a commitment one way or the other. I cant take the fence sitting. As far as D goes, I dont want that, I'm just very frustrated and tired. We have another session tomorrow, I hope we get somewhere. I guess I'm just venting.

Medic, I know exactly how you feel. I am at d-day + 6 months. WH is still in the home. We're both going to the same IC, but WH refuses to go together. WH won't even commit to trying to heal our marriage. At least your WW is going. I'm sure she "hears" more than she lets on. She's going to guard her feelings/emotions for a while.

I too feel like I've done all the changing, giving, and forgiving for the last 6 months. I guess that's just how it goes for us BS that decide to try and save our marriages. What other choice do we have? Give up, file for divorce? Trust me, I have seriously considered doing just that. It would at least put an end to this nauseating rollercoaster ride. I want all this to be over. I want my husband to realize he does really still love me. Yes, we have problems but nothing that can't be fixed w/ counseling and commitment.

Keeping hanging in there. It ain't over til it's over. I haven't said it's over yet. Neither have you.

She actually calmed down tonight and talked to me. I mentioned the committment again and she just went on about how she didnt know what I wanted her to do. I tried to tell her I wanted us to work on this together instead of her running away from me. She made the comment that she loved me very much but I made her crazy. She just sighed when I told her that there were concessions we both needed to make and that she had to forgive me for whatever she deemed I had done as I needed to forgive her. We have a long way to go. The biggest thing is thatW is not wanting to admit that she has concessions to make. I'm just getting discouraged. Still taking a copy of something 2of akind wrote in the recovery forunm for Betrayed in Jersey to show MC tomorrow. Any BS who hasnt read it should. That thing sums up how I've felt for the last 5 yrs and couldnt put it into words.

Medic,
The progress is there. I know it's not at a pace you can handle for much longer, but nevertheless, it's there.

I think your plan is working. Your W is telling you something now. She loves you but you make her crazy. Of course you make her crazy...but there was acknowledgment there !

Do NOT...tell her what concessions you need to make and then wait for HER to tell you what she needs to do. That's something you have to work very hard to let go of. You can NOT control anyone but you.

I was so guilty of the same thing. I have pre-conversations in my head...you know...I say this...you say that. Well when the conversation takes place, and H doesn't follow my script...well damn him ! Do you see what I'm trying to tell you ?

Listen...I KNOW....but you're ARE making progress. You're doing so great, and I applaud your patience...I know this is very difficult for you.

Keep plugging away. You'll be a little further ahead every day. Just don't fall off your wagon partner.

Have you guys searched for the games that you are playing with the help of your counselor? By games, I mean home-made games, such as: you get upset because she withdraws, and she withdraws because you get upset, the more you get upset, the more she withdraws - the more she withdraws, the more you get upset? We all play such games sometimes, blaming our own behavior on the other person - "I wouldn't get upset if she didn't withdraw" etc. If you can find the game you are playing, then you can change the rules. So - when she withraws, you refuse to get upset - you have changed your part of the game and soon the game has to change. She no longer has the excuse of your being upset to help her justify withdrawing further...

Make sense? Hope so...

Good point and yes we have. I'm just struggling with changing some of my behavior and so is she.