My wife and I had been moving apart for a long time. We went through severe financial difficulty and that pushed my wife away. She found comfort in another man. Their relationship developed into an affair.
Before I found out about the affair she told me that she didn't love me anymore. So we started to go to counseling. Had gone for 3 weeks when the wife of the other man called to let me know "the secret". It all made sense. Increase in cell phone bills. Her need to take a break. So on and so on. She lied to our friends and counselor about our issues. They reached out to us and felt sorry for me that I was unable to support my family. I took the embarassing comments b/c I thought I was in the wrong b/c of the finances.
Once I found out about the affair I had to deal with the feelings of being a "loser" financially, embarassing comments to our friends and counselor, the affair and still that fact that she doesn't love me. She says she has a "special love" for me. What does that mean? I have a special love for our dog.
I want to get past the lies and the deceit. I want our marrige to be better than ever.

Does anyone have any pointers on how to handle the "no love" thing and how to get over all the lies?

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Don't Love Bust. Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have her like you, and reconcile with you if you are nice to her. 3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that sometimes are slow, don't be alamred if you don't get quick responses to questions.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, continue with local counseling with her as long as she will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

This will take some time. It didnt happen in a day and it won't be fixed in a day. Prepare yourself for the long haul. Be the better person, don't get angry back, don't try to get even. Learn what will give you the best chance to fix things, and do that.

Here is a link to some of the basic conceps on saving your marriage. After you read them, come back and talk some more.

Dr Harleys surviving infidelity
Surviving infidelity

We care, let us know how you are doing.

SS

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You will find it is a good place to be. Start by reading up on Plan A. You can find lots of good information on this forum on the first thread, General Welcome for all New Builders.

You will have no self-esteem at first, but we will help you get it back. Hang with us.

Hello Sedate....you and I have a lot in common. I got that speech a month before I found out about her EA/PA. Now she wants a separation and we have three little girls. You don't mention if you have kids or if the A was physical. Financial stability is definately an emotional need for people but could there by other needs that you have not met for her...like affection or satisfying sex life??? By the way, I've been in plan A for 2 months now. Read the books suggested. they can help give you a decent perspective on things. Keep in touch.

Thanks for the insight.

I ordered the book by Harley. Hopefully it will add some assistance.

We have 2 kids. Boy/Girl 6/3. The relationship she had was physical to the point of kissing. This is what she tells me. How could I believe her. She went and spent the night with him in a hotel in another city when she went on her "break". Our sex life was ok I guess. A bit lax in the later years but that was her decision not mine. If anything I wanted it too much.

I just want to move on. This thing is effective my entire life.

Doesn't sound like you just want to move on. You want to save your marriage. Signs are pointing to a PA unbfortunately.

The "No love" thing kills me. Thats all I want is for W to love me again, without however, going back to the way things were. If your W is still in contact with OM, there is no way that love can come back. The lure of the fantasy is jusy too strong right now. Keep doing a great plan A with no "Love Busters". Show her that you are different. Treat her with compassion, understanding, and respect. She'll wonder what the hell is going on.