Please to any and all who could give some much needed help. Just and I mean just (36hrs) found about H having a year long A. Got a call from OWH to let me know, confronted H with the news and prayed he would say it was all a mistake. Guess what? Not so!!! H and OW spoke on the phone when I wasn't here, emailed from different accounts daily. Love was said by both. In fact after having email access and seeing things written...sometimes I feel like a massachist, as I keep reading...I found one from the morning that I found out. After being confronted and some schreaming and yelling and throwing of accusations and other things the reality of it all is starting to hit. Asked H what he wanted and he says to start over with me. Says he couldn't tell me and knew OWH was going to call. Says he wanted to quit but couldn't, didn't know how and just kept getting in deeper and deeper. H made appointment with M counseler and is begging that I go. I have agreeded. Swears he loves me and not her, thought he did but now realizes he really never did, Is this possible? To tell someone in the am that you love them and by the pm realize that you don't? Claims full responsibility and offers no excuses except total lack of judgement. Says until he saw me packing my suitcase it didn't hit how much he loved me or exactly what our m meant to him. I have a million questions and every time I ask something he tells me...is it the truth? How do I know when he's lying ? How do I know what to believe? Where do I start? How do I survive? My emotions are on a full swing circle, I love him..I hate him..I want him..I want him to leave ..and on and on and on. Unfortunately and God help me, I love him. I'm also scared to death to put myself back out there for him to hurt me again. I go back and forth from crying to anger, From hope to dispair, from disbelief to unbearable pain. When is to soon to believe< or to start to rebuild? Can we? Can I?Are all these feelings normal? Will I ever feel free from this pain? I can't eat, I cant sleep and he says he feels the same. Then WHY? Says he has broken all contact with her, told her he was not leaving me, wants to rebuild our life together.Sorry this got so long, got started and couldn't quit and still haven't even begun. I know there are no easy answers out there, guess I just needed to put it in writing. By the way..we've been m 34 years.
me:53
H:53
Years together :35
Children:2-adults
grandchildren:3-beautiful

Sorry you're but welcome. There are alot of people on this site with good heads on their shoulders. My advice would be to read all you can on this site and start in Plan A if you want to get over this.

greenmachine -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. We have all been through the misery and heartbreak you are going through right now. We will understand and support you better than any of your friends or family.

Start by reading all about the marriagebuilders program. Check out the thread at the top of this forum, called "a general welcome to all new builders".

Believe it or not, your situation is very hopeful. Most WS's don't admit the truth like yours did, so we will give him points for that one. Also since he agrees to NC with OW, he needs to send her a NC letter, which you approve and mail. It should be short and say something like "I love my wife and am going to work on my marriage. Please do not contact me for any reason."

Stick with us, things do get better, even though you won't believe that right now. We will help you through this.

I don't usually reply to a lot of posts because I'm fairly new here and still confused myself.My stomach is is knots right now, your post brings back my Dday. I didn't find this site until 4 months later, so you have an advantage.Read the main page and learn the MB principles, order Surviving An Affair and have your H read it too. Right now he says he wants you and your marriage,so take advantage-good that he is willing to get councilling- my H said he would at first too, but never followed through.I don't know how many posts you've read here already, but there are lots that will answer you and help you out- every situation is different but there are a lot of similarities too. You have a lot of heartache ahead of you, and I think the outcome will depend on how determined you are, how willing you are to listen to your H, and accept your responsibility on the state of your marriage before the A,and the one thing I have finally learned that even though you are in the deepest pain in your life, you were the wronged one, but it is not all about you. Your WH has a lot of pain too- that what he did had you packing your bags-and finally realized what he has done.There will be a lot of guilt for him to work through. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and SHOW you consistently that he wants to make this work.There will be lots of ups and downs.
Keep reading and posting-

Hello greenmachine
I am so sorry that you are here. However you will find that this is a great site for support and guidance to the tools neccesary to heal youself and your relationship if that is what you ultimately want.

I was amazed at the uncanny resemblance with what your H is saying to you and what mine said. It is almost word from word. And he too was telling her he loved her one minute and then when face with the possibility of losing me did a complete 180. In fact on discovery he initially said he wasn't sure he loved me and that he thought he loved her. However when I discovered the true extent of his and OW involvement I was leaving. I had already asked him to leave and he had. It was when he was faced with the fact that I was leaving that he came begging me not to go and saying that he loved me and never really loved her, that he had seen the light so to speak. Mine even sdaid similar about having dug himself deeper and deeper into a hoe and not knowing how to get out.

First read all you can here on this site. Gett survivng ans affair and his needs her needs and read them. You are in shock and mourning right now. You will go through the stages of grief. Another good book for this to understand your reactions is good grieving.

You need to eat. and sleep. It is very hard to do these basic things when you are in such turmoil. If you are having trouble with this see a doctor. I nearly ended up in hospital before I got help with this.

Now is not the time to make life changing decisions. You are in too much emotional turmoil. This was some of the best advice I was given early on. Just look after you. Feeling ambivalent and unsure about what you want is normal.

When you are feeling more in control and able to talk to H ask him to send a no contact letter to the OW. Also it is desirable that the two of you get some counseling. Both individually and marriage counseling.

It is possible to recover your marriage if that is what you want. It is not easy to put yourself out there again and risk getting hurt. I understand exactly how you are feeling.

I am now 2 1/2 years post the terrible experience you are now in. I am still with my H. He did come through and I have regained trust. This affair became a catalyst for enormous personal growth for both myself and our relationship. Not a nice way to achieve it but there is a silver lining if you look for it, even if the marriage does not survive it is a chance for you to grow yourself as a person.

There are great signs in your husband's present behaviour. He is not blaming you, but taking responsibility. He is remorseful. He wants to be with you. He is answering your questions. Don't be surprised if he is holding a bit back. Mine did at first so as to protect me from more pain. This backfired when I discovered the true extent of their relationship. He learnt then that total honesty was the only way and then was honest and open.

Anyway, we are here. Come here, post, read, there are many people here with a lot of wisdom.

Prayers
C&S

Deep BREATH Greenmachine !

What you are going through, we have ALL gone through. Some almost identical to your situation.

This is all new and RAW to you, and your emotions will play havoc on you for awhile.

FIRST RULE !!! DO NOT ACT ON THESE EMOTIONS !!!!!

You will do and say things you don't mean , and will come to regret.

My FWH was CONVINCED he was IN LOVE with OW until I decided to move on after awhile in Plan A. As soon as he found out that I had begun looking for another job out of state closer to my family, he did a COMPLETE 180 !! This was 3 days after professing he was IN LOVE with OW !!!

That week, A ended, he moved back home, and now all the nonsense FOG is finally gone for good.

YES.... YOU CAN GET OVER THIS...IT HAPPENS TO MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU MAY THINK. IT WON'T BE EASY, BUT YOU CAN DO IT. GO TO A PROMARRIAGE MC !!!

Do NOT seperate from your H.... read read read here, see what progress has been made by people in your situation and the struggles they've endured...it will help you SO MUCH !!!

Good luck and stay STRONG !!!

thanks for the input. It truly does help, we are going to MC soon and I am going to go to a womens support group. H and I have been talking for hours, reading everything we can find here, finding out things about each other we never knew. Took the EN quiz..what an eye opener. No way did I have anything to do with this..HUH. Seems many needs were not being met on either side. Of course he could have chosen another path, but would it has made us realize anything was wrong. Hind sight is a monster.Now to todays problems, I am feeling so much hope and even joy in the response of H that afraid it is 1. way to soon, is there any such thing? Am felling it is to easy. 2. Is not real on his part, he swears it is! 3.Are we both making heartfelt commitments because were in the middle of great shock and trauma 4. will we loose the commitment?5. Can such pain and agony of only 5 days ago be so much easier today. 6.What do I do with the anger???7. Can you go into denial?

ANYTHING is possible.
For me personally, from Dday to Recovery was less than 6 weeks, and everyone had prepared me for a long hard road.

Some people go right into recovery, and do fabulous. Your situation is unique to you. Whatever feels right for you and your H, go for it.

You both seem to be on the right track, communicating about what went wrong in the M before the A.

You both are eager to repair the other. Don't let your guard down.

One day, and it will come soon, I promise you this...something will trigger you...and you'll feel like Dday all over again. Talk to your H when this happens, and make sure from reading this sight it will probably happen.

You'll both feel optimistic, and other times it will seem like your slamming your head against the wall. This means all good things. Nothing that's worth it will come easily.

Keep up with the boards, order some books, especially His Needs Her Needs and stay on your path. Recovery will take awhile, they say up to 2 years for some people. Let's hope you're not one of those people.

I commend both of you for your courage to deal with this head on !

p.s. you're not in denial. these are emotions you've never had to deal with.... denial..aint one of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My WW and I have been married for 28 years and our children are grown and now we are grandparents. I thought by this time in my life it would be smooth sailing. You share your life with one person and they become a part of you. For some reason it never hit me that there are step-grandparents.

Your husband sounds like he is back in reality. IMHO forget about trust and focus on honesty. Give his A the light of day. Bad things grow in the dark. You will find out that things he says or does make absolutely no sense to you but is all too familiar to most everyone here.

Good luck, you are not alone.

Recovery is very hard. You might invite your H to post here. Good luck.

I've been in recovery ever since I found this site.. still is. Sometimes before I do something stupid, I come in here and my friends calm me down before I blow up all my work and delete my love points.

IT's been 4 months and half since Discovery Day... I'm doing ok.... YOu might feel a rollercoaster... but things do get better.


I am on the part "Overcoming Resentment" hehehe its like a step program for me... so Uhmm yeah.. I cannot stop the flashbacks.. of discovery and days after discovery.

I found out 15 days ago, so I do have so much personal experience as some of the others on the recovery process. However, I feel you pain, because I feel it too. Yesterday was my 25th wedding anniversary and let's just say I didn't have much of a celebration. My husband admitted to everything after the OW"s husband called me. I truly believe my husband thinks he deserves some points or something because he 'hasn't lied about anything". He says he wants to stay with me, but he hasn't cut the OW out like yours has. I am going to try to get him to do the EN questionnaire with me tonight. I hope it will go well, but I look for a long, drawn-out, emotional, exhausting night. Hang in there and just don't talk to him when you're angry. Save it all for when you can be calm and that will help. My prayers are with you.