A day that I dreaded but expected has come. My WW has asked me for a separation.To summarize my situation: Our M was okay but very little sex and no passion. W confided with ex-boss (his M was in bad shape too)and they began an EA last Oct. PA began Jan 04 (DDay 3/20/04). W's mom died last Sept and she is in the "life's too short to be unhappy" stage. We have 3 little girls, the youngest is 10 months old with developmental delay and has 5 therapists. We both still live at home. I have been in an excellent plan A for 2 months. We both see IC but no MC.

Anyways, got a letter from her yesterday saying that it has been 3 months since she told me that she was questioning her feelings for me and nothing has changed. She hasn't been able to sleep for a month. She has been in contact with OM the whole time but they have decided to go NC for a while so both can work on their Ms. She tells me how OM met all of her needs and that she wanted him too. She may love the OM.She says that if our M ends, it won't be due to the OM but because she can't get any feelings back for me (NO KIDDING, how can you if you're involved with someone else). She says I deserve someone who feels about me the way I feel about them. She can't believe that I can forgive her (I do, I'm a Christian). She wants I trial separation so that she can "figure things out and see if she misses me". I haven't responded to her yet, she thinks that I will be the one to move out as I have asked her in the past if that's something she wants. However, I did not have the A and I will NOT move out. That's not fair to me or our girls. My Mom/Dad are retired and can give me all the help I need. Money is not a problem.

What do I do here?? How can you "work on the M if you're separated?? Do I consult a lawyer?? Do I insist on MC?? How long should a separation be?? I never thought our problems were so bad that we couldn't work them out. HELP ME PLEASE!

My advice to you is to not move out under any circumstances. Before my D my lawyer told me that moving out will affect the chances of gaining custody of the kids. Some judges see that as abandonment. Best not to risk it.

You must be a great dad because you're putting the kids first. I hope and pray that you and WW can repair your M. However, I believe that you should at least contact a lawyer so you understand all your rights and the potential consequences of your actions. Contacting a lawyer doesn't mean you've given up on the marriage.

When WS's say they want to separate to think about things, what they usually mean is that they want to continue the affair undisturbed. Let her move out, but don't you or kids move.

Also make sure that OM's wife knows what is going on.

InGreatPain - having been where you now are, let me ask you a question before offering any advice.

Is your wife also a Christian?

After that, does the OM's wife know about his affair with your wife?

And then, what are the company rules about such things, where they work?

Last comment - her requests for a separation is her way of running from the reality of what she is doing and/or to continue the affair in "secret." It's just another one of the many lies that are told when one is locked into the fog of an affair.

God bless. I look forward to reading your response.

Hi there -

Have you two talked to your pastor about this (sorry if I have missed this in another post)? If so, is he holding her accountable? I am so sorry you are dealing with this and applaud your willingness to stick this out. It is a good witness to her. A book you might want to read is "how to save your marriage alone" by wheat (it's a cheap paperback and your church library may already have it - I think there is a small section on what to do if your husband or wife leaves.) Also, that ebook at aftertheaffair.net (not Springs) has some Christian parts in it as well as what to do when children are involved - it is very promarriage - giving your kids the best by providing a home in which both parents behave lovingly towards each other and that love feelings will follow loving behavior. I don't know if she would read it, but it might be worth a try (it is cheap too)

Also- I would make sure that the OM's wife knows about what is going on. Make sure there is nothing secret - that just fuels their infatuation.

I am praying for you and the kids.

First of all, your marriage was ok..just little sex and no passion?? Your marriage was NOT ok. Absence of sex and passion is not normal in a marriage. It's an indication of a deeper problem, whether it be psychological or physical. An emotional affair meets emotional needs. For whatever reason, your wife's emotional needs aren't being met by you, and I assume vice versa. You have a lot of stress in your relationship, dealing with a developmentally-challenged child possibly being one factor. I'm not experiencing that, so I can't imagine what it's like. All I know is that many things can tear a couple apart, and sex should not be one of them if the love is there. My husband and I used to be like rabbits..it's now been over a month since we've made love. That's major for us. Our marriage has deteriorated to the point where I can't bring myself to be physically intimate because I don't feel emotionally intimate.

I had an emotional affair during our 3rd year or marriage (we're at the 7th year now). I never wanted it, and it scared me. I wanted my husband, and I think she wants you too. Just be as attentive as you can, and seek professional help for the both of you. Individual counseling is good, but I think couple therapy might help.

Life IS too short to be unhappy, so be happy. If there's any hope, go for it. I wish there was hope for me.

Foreverhers: No, w is NOT a Christian and doesn't believe in any of that stuff which makes all of this that much harder. Separation letter said that both WS would stop contacting each other so they can see if they want to remain married. I'm puzzled by the separation request, because I don't know how you can figure this out if spouse is out of the picture.

Allforone: Thanks for your prayers. Girls don't know of our problems...yet, but 5 year old is very perceptive.

Lost72: Yes, lack of sex and passion was the big sign that we were in trouble. She said in the past that was never all that important to her but now she realizes that it is. The question is, how do you reconnect and get back that emotional intamacy??? She has said that I just feel like a roommate to her.