My husband had an affair. Things were not good before it happened, but I have tried to be everything he needs. He sees the change in me, but he loves the other woman too. He doesn't know which one he wants. What is the best way to show him that an affair that has only lasted for a few months is a new exciting thing and it may not be the love he thinks. I am falling apart and I'm afraid I can't keep living this way.

I suggest a six pack,renting the movie "Gladiator" and asking your H if he can be just like Russel Crow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

just never forget your sence of humor, things work out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Coolduck,
Read all about Plan A. This story is so classic you'll find it repeated over and over here in the threads.

Your H is in the FOG..read about it..you'll see how to win your H back. He knows his A isn't real life, but you'll be able to improve yourself, and your marriage if you start getting acquainted with the information contained in this site.

Don't do anything right now. Take a deep breath, and read. So far you haven't done anything you can't take back, and your emotions are too raw to make any real decisions.

I'll tell you from my own experience, you're in for a rough road the next few weeks. But keep coming here, and we'll help you through it.

CoolDuck, you have written my thoughts. I'm in the limbo state of does hubby want to save marriage or keep with his affair.
The waiting is devestating.
I read the plan A and B. Must admit it makes sense BUT sure hate the statistical time placed on it. Six months is a long time, when I've been in so much pain in 6 days.
Personally I feel like I've taken a deep breath and afraid to exhale.

Welcome to Marriage Builders - the best place in the world if your marriage has been touched by infidelity.

I am the "former wandering wife" WFF, not a very popular thing to be around here but I never cease to be amazed by the support, caring and just out and out good advice I get here. My husband and I are well on the road to recovery in our marriage and it's pretty much all because of the people here.

No experts just ordinary people all touched by infidelity just like you have been.

I suggest you read as many posts as you can on all the boards. You are not alone (unfortunately) if only none of us were on here either. But some of us were stupid enough to have an affair, many others, like you, are in the position of having to deal with their spouse's affair.

Also read the actual Marriage Builders site which also has a wealth of information.

Others in your position will be along shortly. I hope you will be able to share your story with them.

Bog mentioned a sense of humour. You probably feel its not quite time for that yet.


Good luck.

Jenny

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Thank you so much for all the support so far. I just found this sight. I guess I should give some more background. This started a little over a year ago. I was 7 months pregnent with our only child when the affair started. H was scared to death of the baby and turned to a co-worker. When daughter was 3 months old, H told me he had a good female friend (denied an affair) and said he was sorry and wanted to work on our relationship. I knew in my heart it was more than a friendship, but I accepted it. We worked at it for 4-5 months, when I started to see him pull away. After questioning, I realized that he was still calling OW and seeing her only at work. I knew where he was all other times. I finally got him to admit that there was more than a friendship. He insisted that they have only kissed, but I don't really believe it. After our daughter's first birthday party, I made him move out, because he told me he thought he loved OW and that I couldn't compete. H said they fit each other and we hadn't done that in a long time. H has been somewhat honest at least about his feelings for OW. It hurts so much that OW has everything that I need from H. After a few weeks, H came home and wanted to try. H was perfect in every way for 3-4 days. Then I found OW was still being talked to. I insisted H quit. H said he called it off, but I immediately saw a change. H was not the same. H became cold and distant. When asked, H felt maybe he did the wrong thing. I tried to let it be and do all the right things so he would see that I changed and how much he had to lose with me and his daugher. Inside I was going through hell, I have lost a lot of weight, I throw up and cry often. I am consumed. I am seeing a counselor. I convinced H to see my counselor with me, but after the second time, my counselor felt H needed to figure out what he wanted before marriage counseling could be successful. After living this was for a month,I made him leave just last night saying I couldn't do it anymore. I am slowly falling apart and I need to look out for me and my daughter. I still love him, but I don't know how I am supposed to wait and let him work it out. I feel like I am being used. I feel like I am the OW. Right now I see that he has both of us and I don't know how to live like that. Please help me. I am so confused of quitting too soon and losing the man I love, but on the other hand I can't keep this up. HELP!!!!

CD,
I've been there....exactly where you are. If you don't believe me,you can read my posts under JFO, under a topic thread of Need Help Desperately.

I know what you're going through and I wish there was a way to speed things up for you. Don't commit to a time frame that you read here, this is YOUR life, and you have to do what feels right for you.

In my case, I had to struggle as well, knowing my FWH <--former wayward husband, was sitting on a fence, spending time with me every day, seeing the pain and agony I was going through, hearing him tell me he loved me, but was IN love with OW.

There were days I didn't want to wake up, much less get out of bed.

I couldn't handle plan A for long either... and tried to go to Plan B, the minute I tried to go to plan b, FWH snapped out of his FOG long enough to realize that I WOULD leave him and move on with my life without him.

It was within a week of that day that he called off the A, and professed his love for me. He fell to his knees crying and pleading for me to take him back, to give him another chance, telling me how sorry he was.

Is this easy ? NO.... I wonder every day...why he chose me and not OW....I wonder what the heck he is doing everytime I find him doing something odd... the memories of all this haunt me...but I can not walk away from this marriage until I know I've done all I can to save it.

Keep reading... keep posting...

Betrayed,
How did you know H was coming back and truely willing to give OW up? I feel like I tried this when he came about after the first seperation. I was willing to try if he broke off all contact. H couldn't get out of the FOG. When I told him yesterday, that I was done. H wanted to try. I have heard this so many times with the same end result. I want to try desperately, but how do I know for certain that he does. H said to me that he's afraid that if he chooses the OW, he will know it's a mistake and lose me, but he feels the reverse could be true too. If H does come back to try, how would you suggest I handle it? What do I say? How do I act? I don't want him to think that he can keep doing this to me. There has to be an end somewhere.Thank you for sharing, it is the first time I feel like I can share this with someone who gets it.

Your WH sounds like all of the rest of them. They say and do the same things, almost word for word.
If you want to do the marriagebuilders program, start in Plan A.

Read all about it. There is a link to it on this forum, called "General Welcome to All New Builders". You should try Plan A for a couple of months, and then it may be time for Plan B.

It is very miserable when you are going through this. But remember, the only one you can change is yourself. It is an opportunity for a lot of personal growth. I promise you that you will start feeling better and better. When people told me that when I came here, I didn't have any hope. But now my days are good again, even though WH is still with OW. Stick with us, we will help you get through this.

H is definately in the FOG as referred to on this sight. I think I understand what it is, but can someone please explain it again or tell me where I can read about it. I know he wants out, but I don't know how to help. So please help me

MY FWH started to indicated he chose ME and NOT OW a few weeks before he actually MADE the choice. Against my better judgement, and DEMANDS...he met with her. She thought she was going to spend the weekend with my H. He sat her down and told her that he chose to move back home and give his marriage another shot.

During the time after I found out about the A, the OW and her friends were calling and harassing me to no end. They did everything in their power to get me to BACK off. Fortunately, my H happen to witness one of these phone calls.

THIS IS WHAT I TOLD MY FWH ABOUT CHOOSING....

We've been together 6 years, we've gone through a lot, IF.... we give this everything we HAVE...and it STILL doesn't work...than that relationship is obviously meant to be, and will be there if you should decide you want it back. But not until you give 100% HERE.

Now after all her bridge burning....because even after he TOLD her that it was over...she called me AGAIN...and this time I took control of my life.

I called her from FWH cell phone with him RIGHT there. She picked it up on half a ring thinking it was HIM calling. I said OW...this is W... he's standing right next to me..and that's where he chose to be...nothing you can say or do will make me leave my H so get over it, and then I handed HIM the phone. He proceeded to tell her AGAIN that she was not a part of the circle any longer, and he went on to say some other things. He had his cell phone number changed within the hour.

So I know where your WH is...we've been there. If you want me to tell you more about my Plan A, and the things that worked well for me, let me know.

Keep posting !

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

I would really like you to continue to tell me how you did it. I am so lost. WH is living with me, being just what I want him to be --absolutely perfect to me.(other than still being in the FOG) We have opened up so many lines of communitication that had been shut down. WH is being honest and although it can hurt like hell at least I have a clue for once where he is.
The problem is is that WH still isn't sure who he wants. I see him doing these thing at home, but WH is missing OW. H had a terrible day yesterday because he didn't talk to OW. (IT WAS THE FIRST DAY) He didn't want to go to work today, because he might run into her and want to talk. I know it's the withdrawl period, but my God he had trouble day one. H has did this before and went 4-5 months and ending up communicating again. I have been so patient and my patience is running out. My life is being destroyed by his indecision, and yet what I see in him I know that we could have a really good life together. How do you keep it together enough to be strong enough to help him through it. I just wish he would make a decision. Thanks for your help.

As much as it hurt me, and I know it's hurting you, I pointed out several things to my FWH that he really listened to. At the time, I wasn't sure if he heard a thing I said, even though we had started to communicate more honestly than we had in years.

I told him his indecision was hurtful to everyone concerned. In our case as much as I hated the OW, for continuing to convince my H he'd get a chance to "start a new life" with her, and she was 15 years his junior, I pointed out that everytime he spent time with me, it hurt her, every time he phoned her, it hurt me, and he was continuing the awful cycle for himself.

There is also a letter to WS from atruheart, that I will find and post for you. I printed it out and gave that to my FWH, and that seemed to help as well.

Other things I pointed out, was if he was to choose a "new life" with her, and her blatant disrespect of the boundaries within a marriage, what made him think she'd know that boundary in the future ?

Above all you have to NOT LB, it's so hard not to do, because the knee jerk reaction is to DEMAND he make a choice and stick to it.

Everyone tried to get me to do that, but let's face it, my H had to make his own decision, in his own time and in his own way. How would I know if the decision he made was the right one for HIM, if I forced him to make one when he wasn't ready.

You have to be steadfast in your actions, tell him you wish there was something you could do to make it easier on him, but in reality all you can do is stand beside him.

Set a time limit in your head. Plan A like crazy, and if you reach the time limit, and he still hasn't ended the A, than you'll have to move to Plan B. He can not know what Plan B is, or when you're ready to move to it. Fortunately I didn't HAVE to move to Plan B, but I was prepared to if I needed to.

I'm going to see if I can find atruhearts post...this helped SO much !!! and I think it will help your H as well.