I need somebody to talk to. Found out about my husband affair 11 days ago (tax day) by a call from the other woman's husband. I have talked to my husband about it, and he admits it all. He travels on his job, and the day after we talked, he had to leave and still is not back. We have only talked on the phone. If I bring this up on the phone, he loses control and says we can't discuss this over the phone. He won't be home until Wednesday. He is still in contact with her by phone while he is out of town.

We all live in a VERY small town, and it is my heartfelt desire that this not become public. We have 3 children in school, and this woman has 3 in the same school too. They see each other all the time. I don't want a divorce and my husband says he doesn't either, but he has dug in and is refusing to give her up, because a few years ago, I had an affair too. Too much pain and detail to go into now, because I am at work, but I must have somebody to talk to. Somebody, please take time to help me...

Don't know if I will help but I wanted to respond and let you know we are out here.

I think you MUST push for NC(no Contact) between your H and the OW. Keep in mind that your past indiscretions do not justify his current ones.

Read as much as you can on the main body of this web site. We can help some but they are the experts. Read about Plan A. This will give you insite as far as how you should proceed.

Best of luck. You've come to the right place.

NTTT,
You and the OW's husband need to work together to push for no contact (NC). It may take awhile but work together. I'd guess that because of the small town environment your husband (H) and the OW don't want their affair exposed to the community as well. Use that as an ace.

For the M to recover than can never be in contact of any sort. Never! They can't be friends. They shouldn't even say "hello" if they pass on the street.

Tell the OW's H about this site and its great advoce. Both of you should start on Plan A asap. Read about it up on the main MB page.

Buy books. Surviving an Affair is ofthen suggested as is Torn Asunder. Try not to educate your H. It could push him further away.

WARNING. Work with the OW's H but be careful not to get too close. "Revenge" affairs are common and although you may not have any feelings for revenge. OW"s H is another story.

If you need to talk to someone, make it a female friend or family member or a trained professional. I'd even stay clear of your pastor, minister, rabbi etc.

Others will respond with more thoughts and perspectives.

cwmac

So sorry for your pain. It does not matter if you had an affair or not - if anything it should make your spouse more aware of the pain he is causing! Try not to bring it up over the phone is my advice, but I feel that way because it did not help in my situation. It is hard, but wait until he gets home and try to create a non-threatening environment to talk to your H without the kids in the house. Can you take them overnight somewhere? It may help your H open up. Just my thoughts.

Your husband made a choice to not dwell on your affair and move forward when he stayed with you , he is as wrong as wrong can be... keep your head up read all you can on this site and a book to read is HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS for parents, it is a very good book to help you guys stay connected thru having a family and all... and remember how you felt at the time of your affair he is in a fog so it will take awhile to get everything back together but you CAN do it.
good luck
cliff

Spouse Guess is right a non-threatening environment is the key. Conversely if he opens up and you react neagtively with LBs or crying, he'll have learned that he shouldn't talk about it.

Bw aware that even if he immediately drops OW and becomes a FWH, he may still not want to talk about it. That's the typical FWS pattern. Why? They feel guilty. They think they should spare your feelings (especially if you react negatively). They may also be protecting the OP.

More advice coming.

cwmac

Thanks for the responses. Since this afternoon, I've been looking forward to checking this board after the kids went to bed. I'm sitting here crying...that's all I do these days.

Thanks for the tips. I know that I can't discuss it over the phone, but I haven't seen him in 6 days!! I have a need for conversation on this matter, but I'm trying to hold it in. He absolutely cannot discuss it on the phone without getting angry, but I'm finding it hard to make small talk when he calls.

As for talking to a family member or friend, that's out. There's nobody I'm close enough to for me to be able to share something devasting like this. That's why I came here. Don't worry..talking to the pastor won't happen. Our church is small and filled with family.

Thanks for the replies, and please send more! I have looked around the site already and have printed out numerous things to go over. Hopefully my husband will be open to using it with me when he gets home.

Also, I think my oldest son knows something is wrong. He is 15 and I absolutely don't want him to know this about his dad. Please pray for him.

NTTT,

Try to relax. OK I know that is impossible. When the kids are at school try to stay active. Excercise is the best. You need to try to keep busy to keep mind off of obcessing.

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hopefully my husband will be open to using it with me when he gets home.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope so, but remember what I said. Most FWS don't want to talk about it due to the embarrassment, guilt & withdrawal from the other party (OP). I personally think that male FWS are worse than females on this especially those "men of few words" types.

Stay patient. The more patient you are from day one the more likely he'll feel comfortable to disclose facts on the affair.

You also said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, I think my oldest son knows something is wrong. He is 15 and I absolutely don't want him to know this about his dad.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could be. Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. Do your best not to let him see you crying or looking dazed. The fact that you have a perceptive "at risk" 15 year old in your home is another reason for you to try to keep the emotions in check. No LBs OK?

Hate to sound like a pill pusher but, you may want to consider anti-depressants. Go see your doctor. Tell him your depressed.

Stay strong.

cwmac

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 11:48 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary...I have bought him an expensive watch with "25 years together" engraved on the back. I have planned on Friday night at a B&B that I have wanted to visit for years. I haven't seen him since last Tuesday, but he should be home tomorrow sometime. Can I give him this gift? Can we go away for the weekend at a really expensive place and do anything but fight? 25 years, and the last 6 have been hell.

One thing the other woman's husband told me is that my husband had a cell phone (that I didn't know about) that he called her on. He gave me the number. I then checked my husband's vehicle when he got home and found it. I know that he has been calling her on this phone while he has been away this week. That is one of the main things that is kiling me now, knowing that he is talking to her...frequently I think...while I sit at home and lose my mind. He admitted to me Monday night that he had talked to her "several times" since he has been gone. I just know they're talking about me. (that is the way a woman's mind works)

Thanks for the responses, please keep them coming. Any advice on how to handle my "happy anniversary" tomorrow?

NTTT,

You say the last 6 years have been very bad? What has happened? What led to your A? How did it end? and how did your H handle it? Then what was the marriage situation when he started his?

This information is very important if we are to offer any reasonable advice. As for the anniversary, I guess my question is HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? It seems to me you can surely give him the present, but if you think the other events will lead to fighting you need to back away.

I don't know if you have read enough to have gotten to the concept of Love Busters, LB's, but if not do so. You need to stop any that you are doing now. You need to go to plan A at this point and do the best you can. It is NOT a permenant thing, but it will make a difference even if you end up needing to go to Plan B.

Please do as much reading as you can and come ask questions. There are people here from all sides of these issues and they can help you or at least give you some people to discuss and talk about your decision making. You cannot control your H, but you can change how you intereact with him.

That is why I asked the questions about the marriage in the last 6 years. The more we know, the more likely it is that we can offer advice that fits the situation.

Hang in there, this can work.

God Bless,

JL

To Just Learning..
The last 6 years have been awful because my husband started traveling at that time. Without telling a really long story, between our 2nd and 3rd children he promised me that he would not start driving again, and that he would stay home and raise the children. Six years ago, he lost his job and went back to driving. At the time, our children were 3, 6 and 9. He has been gone 4-5 or even 6 days/night a week ever since. That broken promise destroyed my faith in him and left me alone ...not by my choice...to raise our children, care for our home, etc., with him dropping in on the weekend. The loneliness has been unbearable, and led to my affair. My husband now says that he "knew" about the affair, but he never directly confronted me with it. I lied to cover it up, because I didn't want to give it up. It was too important to me. In the last 2 years, my lover and I gradually drifted apart and I was finally able to overcome what MB calls my "addiction" to him. Of course, there is more, but that basically covers it.

Now, my question. I have looked around the site and have found out about Plans A and B. Are you actually supposed to share these plans with your spouse, or just start practicing it without discussing it with him? It seems like something my husband would see as false, with me "acting nice" just to get him to end his affair and then falling back to my true self I suppose after he gives her up. He will see the alternative of Plan B as a ultimatum. So, it seems to me like this is a plan that should be implemented, but not shared. Is this right? Give me your thoughts, please somebody.

NTTT,

Usually the concept of these plans are not shared, because they are for YOU. You will see why they are for you as you work through them. You will find that you will change as you do them, and hopefully your H will notice.

Permit me to address something else that I think you need to read and understand and then I will explain why I am doing this. I hope you read the sections about Love Buster, LB's, particularly "disrespectful judgements", DJ's. Also read the Policies of (radical honesty) and Joint Agreement, POJA.

Why do I mention this? You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Six years ago, he lost his job and went back to driving. At the time, our children were 3, 6 and 9. He has been gone 4-5 or even 6 days/night a week ever since. That broken promise destroyed my faith in him and left me alone ...not by my choice...to raise our children, care for our home, etc., with him dropping in on the weekend.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's see did your family have an alternate source of income if he didn't take that job?? Did you have alot of money so that he could be unemployeed for a lenghty period of time? I ask this because your H knows you resent him and he knows you had an affair on him. What do you think his mental state with regards to the marriage is? You seem to forget he was "on the road 5 sometimes 6 nights a week". Do you think he was having fun? I don't know about your H but when I used to travel (not as much as he) I hated it. I hated being away from the family. The smartest thing I ever did was take my W on one of my trips, she realized how tiring and boring these trips could be.

So while you focused on yourself, you have failed to see that your H may not have had that much fun either. You will see in a moment why I mention this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The loneliness has been unbearable, and led to my affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What about his loneliness?? It seems he is NOT very well appreciated by you and that is a VERY BIG NEED for most men.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband now says that he "knew" about the affair, but he never directly confronted me with it. I lied to cover it up, because I didn't want to give it up. It was too important to me. In the last 2 years, my lover and I gradually drifted apart and I was finally able to overcome what MB calls my "addiction" to him. Of course, there is more, but that basically covers it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I guess you are only interested in your H for his income? You chose the OM over him for years right? So why do you want your H back? Other than his salary why are you wanting him, or why do you care?

I am asking you these questions for a simple reason. Unless you have answers to them, your marriage might not make it and the affair will continue. He is going to be asking you these questions. You need answers for him and for yourself. Why YOU? Well, if you are going to work to rebuild this marriage you are going to need strength and determination, that means you have decided you have something to fight for and you need to know what it is you are fighting for.

It sounds as if he is very angry at you, and I would guess deeply resents what you have done to him and how little you appreciated what he did for a living.

That needs to change. And that is where Plan A comes in. I hope you realize that most A's end. Plan A will help speed up the process but it is unlikely to stop it. Plan B will allow you to wait it out. It will very likely end as yours did.

So please read here, take a look at your past actions and how they may have affected him. Further, try looking at things from his side of things and see if you can figure out what you might feel if you were in his position. It will help you with Plan A and it will help your recovery.

There is lots to learn NTTT, so get with it. I will say this, it will NOT be easy but it can and often does lead to a better marriage. Just do your best to remove LB's from your life right now, and listen to him. Ask him a question and then be quiet and listen to him. If he doesn't say anything just sit and wait for him to respond.

He is pretty mixed up right now and is definitely in the "fog" as they call it here. IT would seem that you know what that is like. The OP is without fault and the spouse is just a loser.

Keep reading, keep posting, keep asking questions.

Hope something I said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

To Just Learning...
I know you are right about many things. I have never believed that driving a truck is easy because, in fact, I have done it with him before. For a long time. That's how we both knew that it is no life for a man with a family. That's why he game it up, and because he had given it up, we had our third child. This is not just something we drifted into, but something that he promised me faithfully that he would do. I realize that he couldn't help needing to go back, but he never...not once in six years...has attempted to find work elsewhere. He gave me no choice but to accept a unilateral decision that HE made that affected US ALL. As for the advice "Just do your best to remove LB's from your life right now, and listen to him. Ask him a question and then be quiet and listen to him. If he doesn't say anything just sit and wait for him to respond." I will really have to be quiet and wait a long time. I'm working on it.

Also, I happen to want him because I love him actually and because my children need their daddy in their lives...daily...not just every other weekend like it will be if we're divorced. Not just every weekend like it is now. My children need their dad and I need my husband on a regular basis, not just to drop in. By the way, when you "used to travel" and hated it, how long did you keep at it? Did you make any attempts to find something else because you hated it so much? Very few people stick to a job for 6 years that they truly hate, at least not without trying to make a change. However, this isn't about you, so don't take offense. You make some good points, and I'm going to work on it.

I know the OP is not at fault and I know her spouse is a loser. He has already moved out and she has already seen her attorney. Sorta makes you think she may have wanted a divorce for a while...

Thanks for the replies. It is helping.

Nobodytotalkto: I agree with some of the things that Just Learning has pointed out. First of all, there is no reason, no justification for what your H has done. It is wrong, period. But there are some things that you need to examine. You mention that he had to travel as part of his work and you felt lonely and two years ago you started an affair. Has it ended? How did it end? How did it affect your H? You need to examine how that affected his self steem and sense of purpose. His motivation to work was you and your children and he probably feels that he was breaking his back and while doing that was slapped on the face and was not appreciated for what he was doing.
Let me share with you, I am a professional with a doctorate. When we married, I was in the final stages of my training and we had known each other all our lives since childhood. So, she knew what I was doing. Initially, she was not happy that we were living on a student salary. She did not work. Early in my career, after getting my doctorate, she complained that for the years of schooling I had I was not making enough compared to other people she knew. I worked harder to advance. As part of my job, I have to travel. Before the children, I always took her with me. When the children were small and not in school, my business trips became family vacations all over the country and the world. When the children started school, that was not possible. She resented my traveling and two trips during the year were to work as a consultant for the government and the extra money allowed us some things. She actually thought I took those trips because I might be seeing someone and I was very offended. I resigned from that to avoid problems and I did not want her to feel unhappy. Business travel is very tyring and gets old. Since the family could not travel during school days, we had to find school vacations that did not coincide with my trips. On a very busy period, I had to send them on a vacation overseas to see family. That is when it happened. When I discovered it several months later and after many odd acusations on her part during that time, which were making me depressed, my world fell apart. This is more than a year ago. How have I felt? Unappreciated, unloved, used. She is trying to make amends, but that special feeling is lost and is hard to find it because now I do not know what is really in her heart. Especially since that person is someone from her past. Now, my job is in jeopardy because I could not work as I used to for a long time and I have no desire. I force myself because I have three small children and her to take care of. If your husband is silent, it is because he does not want to say anything that would hurt you. I have made the mistake of opening my mouth a few times and she feels hurt. When I see her like that I hate myself and become angry and depressed.

Listen to the advice that you will get here. Read a lot and find ways to stay busy. Ask yoursef what was the condition of your love bank with your husband before and after the A. How can you fill it and avoid any love busters.

Good luck

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't worry..talking to the pastor won't happen. Our church is small and filled with family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From your statement, I am going to assume that both you and your husband are Christians. If this is not the case, please let me know because it will affect the advice that might be offered.

You both need to be in Joint Christian Marital Counseling with a trained counselor. Your postings have revealed major problems with both of your understanding of marriage, obedience to God and the roles that God has given each of you as husband and wife. Counseling is NOT an option. It is a requirement. You can do some things, like Plan A, but you both must have the help of an independent, professional counselor who is committed to saving marriages and is also trained to help you both understand what a Christian marriage should be.

Since I don't know where you live, let me give you the address of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors. If you click on their website you can learn more about their organization and also can do a search for counselors in your area. Many of them provide the counseling as a ministry and free of charge.

NANC Website

Also, I know that things are going to seem unbearably difficult. Your emotions and fears will likely be running rampant. One moment you'll feel calm and the next some trigger will hit and you'll be taking a bath in your own tears.

What I want you to remember during those times is that we've all been there. It is hard to get through all of this....but it DOES GET BETTER!

Keep posting. You will get support, advice and even an occasional MB 2x4 should the need ever arise. Sad to say it, but your situation is not unique, as I am sure you come to realize as you read the posts, both those on your thread and in other threads you might read.

Welcome to MB. You've found a very good lifeline with people who really do understand what you, your husband, and your family are facing.

God bless.

NTTT,

To answer your question I am like Why Me, I spent my whole life training to become what I do in my profession so leaving was NOT an option in that sense, plus to succeed in my field you do need to go to meetings and such. I travel less now, but actually I should be traveling more.

You say you cannot get counseling because you life in a small town, yet you had a two year affair or was it more? Didn't you worry about people or even your children finding out? Surely they noticed mom gone or some man being over at the house?

What I have noticed in your post so far is that you are worried about what you might lose, you are angry at your H for making a living driving truck, you felt justified in having your A and you still feel this way, and you express no love or affection for your H. Your feelings for him seem to be consumed by your anger and your justification of your own failure.

Does this sound like I am attacking you? Well in a way I am. But what I am attacking is not YOU, it is your preceptions of your marriage, your H, and your own behavior. You will come to realize that to make this work, to make your H WANT to be home with you, you are going to have to address YOUR A, you pulling away from him, your anger at him, and your NOT appreciating what he has done for you.

If you don't address these things within yourself, your marriage will not improve. To address these things you need to change NOT YOU, but your perspectives on things. Hence, what feels like an attack. We are attacking but it is NOT YOU, it is your perspectives and your justifcations, those need changing.

Has it occured to you that your H has continued to drive truck because he doesn't want to be home to face your anger, your affair? Of the 6 years he has driven you have been in an affair for 1/3 to 1/2 have of the time. What was there for him to come home to? You stated yourself that you lied because you did not want to give it up, it was too important to you.

Even if your H didn't know about the A don't you think he felt you were gone when he was there? Why come home to what he must have come home to?

I am not justifying his A, I am asking you to look at this from his perspective.

You asked if wouldn't someone leave a job they hated after 6 years? The answer is NO if the money is needed and if any other job paid a lot less. You must recall that since you had found another man all you needed him for was the money, and I would bet he knew that. So he supplied the money.

My point here is your chances of getting him back, making the marriage work, and having him change jobs to be home depend on him WANTING to do these things. In the past it seems you have NOT given him much motivation, and now with the A going on, there is less. This does not mean the world has come to an end. It means you need to start the changing by changing your perspectives.

If you change your approach to your H, if he finally starts to believe you love him, if you can start to be honest with him, that will set the tone. Stopping LB's is a big one. The other thing to consider is that usually sex and admiration are at the very top of mens NEEDS list. You might start to meet his admiration needs by appreciating that he has provided for you and your children all of these years.

I am sure you do not admire his A, but then he doesn't admire yours or the lying for years.

There is a lot to deal with and since you are the one here, then you get to hear it all from us.

Just understand the goal here is to change your perspective so that you can more forward with addressing his A, and hopefully the marriage. I think if he felt he could bring in less money, if he felt he was truely wanted, and if his home was a place of peace, then you will see him change his perspectives as well. There is no doubt his must change as well, but you can affect his. That is the good news.

I would also like to encourage you to consider the advice of Why_Me? and FH.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

We all live in a VERY small town, and it is my heartfelt desire that this not become public.
Ooooh, too late. You are probably the LAST to know.
It may not be openly talked about but everyone else already knows about it.

Don't worry..talking to the pastor won't happen. Our church is small and filled with family.
So what if it is filled with family?
The pastor is the "leader of the flock" and his sole purpose is to be there for guidance.
If you don't want him (or won't let him) to do his job, either try to get a new pastor or go to a different church.

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks for the replies, both of you. I know that I am not blameless here, and as for our love banks, his was empty at the time of his adultery. My fault, and I accept that. I have apologized and have told him that I forgive him because I understand why he did it. He however, doesn't seem to understand why I did the same thin 3 years ago. My love bank was empty then. My love bank is still empty now. My lover filled part of the void in my life, but of course not all of them. We drifted apart because being with him was not as fulfilling as it was at first. However, my love bank situation is the same as it was at the time of my adultery. Empty. I just hope that my husband wants to work on this with me. I found out about his affair on the 15th. He came home on the 16th and left again on the 19th. I haven't seen him since and won't see him before Friday. I know better that to try to discuss this on the phone...it just brings on a fight. But it HAS to be discussed if we are going to work through it. In the meantime, he is away from home, away from me, (away from her too) and calling us both on the phone.

Any advice anybody has is welcome, including the criticism. Believe me, I have done quite a bit of introspection and I know where I am to blame. However, I've got to have some help here...and some conversation...to work through it. Thanks again for the words...

Read "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs".
Also, read the links below.

I could still use some people to talk to. I must admit I am a little disappointed in the volume of response. I know everybody is busy and caught up in their own problems. But yesterday was my 25th wedding anniversary...supposed to be celebrated, right? Silver and all that, with a lot of people having parties and receptions, etc. for that milestone. At least they do around here. Mine didn't even rate a card. Only one person acknowledged that it was our anniversary...my best friend who was my maid of honor 25 years ago. She sent me an email. I could use some help here, if somebody can talk to me.