NTTT,

I am not sure what to say. You have been married 25 years and it is really something you and H should celebrate, but I understand why this wasn't much of a celebration.

I guess I am wondering about how many people knew of YOUR affair as well as your H's. Or more importantly how many people are aware of your discontent in the marriage. I suspect a lot do know of this, and given this may be the case I can see where they would be reluctant to have a party for you and H, knowing how much you do NOT like your marriage.

These are things that you and your H need to sort out. People will talk with you, but you do have to respond before they will post again. I can assure you on the weekends this place is very slow. But hang in there.

Your H was supposed to be home, what did he have to say about things? What did you have to say? Where do things stand now?

We need an update.

God Bless,

JL

I think I have posted every day since the original post. Maybe not. Anyway, if you think I wanted a party, you have missed the boat. I think another woman might understand.

To the best of my knowledge the only people who know of my affair are those directly involved...two husbands, two wives. To my knowledge, the only people who know about my husband's affair AT THIS POINT are the four of us. However, this is probably about to change. The OW's husband filed for divorce yesterday...stated ground was adultery, so it's probably going to get ugly.

My husband will be home today and we are hopefully going to spend time talking this over
this weekend. If he sincerely wants to work it out like I do, we will be okay. However, I think he is still in the lying stage. I hope I don't find him lying to me anymore this week. And I know I lied to him for a long time...nobody should feel obliged to point that out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

NTTT,

Two things, the Just Found Out board is slower than GQ. So if you feel the need for more conversation you might want to go over there. I noticed in your response to someone else that you contracted herpes from your OM. Does your H know you have this? Does your H now have this?

I won't point out that you lied to your H. I will point out that you know people in affairs LIE. I think until he ends it, you should expect that the truth will be (to be gentle) bent abit.

I also think that while you two should talk, you might want to take some time to do something else. You didn't want to end your affair because you did not want to lose what it gave you. Why was that? IT was because your marriage was NOT giving you what you wanted. I will be so bold as to point out he probably feels the same way.

What I am having trouble figuring out is if he is on the road so much how does he have time for an affair, and you not know it? What is she giving him that he needs that you have not given him? I know this if he is on the road and for 25 years been faithful to you, then SEX is very likely a big thing and the sense that he cannot win.

If you love him and you want him back, he needs to know he has something special to come back to. Hence the suggest that the whole time back NOT be about the marriage or affair.

Finally, I am guessing but I would bet his ANGER at your affair and how he was treated has a lot to do with this. He needs to get this anger out, it may take you asking him about it and then letting him vent. If you do this, just sit back and let it role. Don't take it personally and realize you have lanced a very infected boil.

I am guessing again but I would not be surprised to find out that this affair is about his self-esteem. With time you can address this. I hope your weekend goes well. Do your best to have no LB's, and listen to him. He may well give you the roadmap you need to make this marriage far better than it has ever been.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you Just Learning...
I think maybe I have found one person at least to talk to. The weekend was very long and very difficult, but I think progress was made. I printed some material from the web site and he has read it. I will answer one question and then I must go. Most of his contact with the OW was emotional....MANY hours of talking on cell phones. She made time to talk to him for hours in the middle of the night because it was new, exciting and she wanted to get him. I have been in this situation for years and I have a job to go to every morning and kids to raise, so I'm not available to talk for hours in the middle of the night regularly. They had just a few sexual encounters, and he found time to do this by meeting her nearby before he came home, right after he "left" on a trip, and by sneaking out of our house in the middle of the night to see her, on the only night of the week that he was home.
Can't say more now, but I'll come back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could still use some people to talk to. I must admit I am a little disappointed in the volume of response. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I have to admit to being ambivalent about joining any conversation with you. Getting information FROM you so that better "advice" can be formulated is like pulling teeth. JL has asked some questions along this line and you failed to answer, or just dribbled a little information.

I posted to you and have yet to read so much as an acknowledgment that you even read the post, let alone any response.

Yes, we all know how the emotions rip, but I have to admit to being very confused with some of the things you have managed to say.

YOU had an affair, but no information on the causes, what ended it, what you and your husband did to recover your marriage from YOUR affair.

YOUR husband is having an affair currently, and it seems that the OW is filling a big hole in him. It sounds like she talks and listens, does NOT give him disrespectful judgments or get into fights with him, is available for sex whenever HE wants it but does not push for when SHE wants it. In short, your husband has found someone who is willing to "service" him in word and deed and who does not have all the other "baggage" that comes with being married.

YOUR Love Bank is ZERO. If that is true, why do you even want him back? Just what is it that you are afraid of that you want to find a way to get a man who YOU do NOT love and who probably has very little, if any, "love" feelings for you?

I asked about Counseling last time. You didn't answer. So let me be blunt about this. Marriage Builders is NOT a counseling substitute. You seem unwilling to be open and honest with us, for whatever reason. BUT you are willing to complain that "no one is responding to you." Nevermind that you've given us precious little to respond to.

If all you are looking for is "gee, I'm sorry you are going through this," then add my 'ditto' to that statement.

All I've seen so far in your posting is someone is so focused on what SHE wants, for whatever reasons SHE thinks are justified, and is looking for someone here on MB to give her the "magic pathway" to get what she wants. As long as you remaining focused on YOU, it is unlikely that anything can be done to salvage your marriage.

But again, there just are not enough details of the dynamics of your situation to be able to do more than "guess" at advice.

The ONE piece of advice that seems clear is that you both, IF you both want to try to save your marriage, MUST be in joint Marital Counseling together as your PRIMARY method of guidance, advice, and counseling. MB can be used too, but you need professional help from someone who can both see you and get to the bottom of all the issues you both have.

Lastly, you never confirmed or denied being a Christian. So I am curious, ARE you both Christians or was your statement about the pastor merely "window dressing?" I'm trying to find out WHAT, outside of yourself, is important in your life.

ForeverHers
First let me apologize for not directly responding to you. I can see that this antagonized you and I did not intend for it to.

As for the ADVICE about Christian COUNSELING I heard you loud and clear. My HUSBAND and I are discussing it.

Also, if you are so DISAPPOINTED in my LACK of communication, please FEE FREE to not post anymore if you don't want to. It is not REQUIRED on your part. I have had some very helpful suggestions, from others and it is helping me just to have a place to VENT, as I'm sure YOU KNOW. However, if you find me this DIFFICULT by all means, don't bother to respond any more.

By the way, you may have just noticed that all the capital letters are ANNOYING and make you seem very OBNOXIOUS even if that isn't the intent.

ForeverHers
First let me apologize for not directly responding to you. I didn't intentionally leave you out of a response. I can see that this antagonized you and I did not intend for it to.

As for the ADVICE about Christian COUNSELING I heard you loud and clear. My HUSBAND and I are discussing it.

Also, if you are so DISAPPOINTED in my LACK of communication, please FEEL FREE to not post anymore. It is not REQUIRED on your part. I have had some very helpful suggestions..and criticisms... from others and it is helping me just to have a place to VENT, as I'm sure YOU KNOW. However, if you find me this DIFFICULT by all means, don't bother to respond any more. It seems this forum is simply a way for SOME people to simply DISPLACE their hostility.

By the way, you may have just noticed that all the capital letters are ANNOYING and make you seem very OBNOXIOUS even if that isn't the intent.

Let me get this straight, you post about the lack of responses, then you decide to attack and accuse me of displacing my hostility. Right.

CAPS are used for inflection, since we can't hear the speech.

But I'll tell you this... good luck. I really hope you work it out. Keep on talking, but try to add some "doing" also.

I think I'll just sit back and let you offer advice to others with openness and honesty and knowledge that you have gained from going through the process yourself.

JL is a stalwart who will try to help. But he, too, is a realist who knows what is needed from the person seeking help in order to formulate advice that might be helpful to their situation. JL has been very helpful to many, but I'd venture that he is not looking for a "pen pal" either.

Know thyself. Try starting there.