I have been married for 15 years. Recently, 1/04 some medical testing had to be performed for one of our sons. Through this it was determined that I cannot be his biological father. I am devistated!!! I spoke to the W and she admitted a PA with a OM. What is worse is she continued the relationship for 3 more years though she claims it was no longer physical. (EA?) We have begun counseling. I have ordered the MB series. When does the mental anguish stop? How do you stop the crying???

Welcome to marriagebuilders. This must have been a terrible shock. Although it was in the past, there are years of deception in your marriage.

Right now, you feel heartbroken and devastated, but you will not always feel that way. Stick with us and we will help you through this.

Does your wife show any remorse?

Thank you for your kind words. At this point I feel my W has regrets and is remorseful in "her way". She admits it was a mistake but to say she is sorry is to painful for her. She has informed me this was a long time ago and she went to a counseler and has since forgiven herself. Since then she has put it away and moved on. Personally, I have trouble moving at all since finding this out.

All WS's say the same thing. They want to just move on and forget about it. But that is not healthy for the marriage.

You will go through some real pain and grieving. It might help to get some anti-depressants. I know men don't think they need them, but they really help you work through this.

Your wife may have done some counseling and made peace with herself, but your whole marriage has had this huge lie right in the middle of it. You are going to have to rebuild the marriage from the ground up. But hang in there, things will get better for you now that this is out in the open.

And really your son should be told this information. How old is he?

My son is 13 y/o this August. He is a good boy but he has always been the "different" child.
(we have three other children) He was born with a few minor birth defects, he doesen't resemble the other children, he also dosen't have many social skills. We have had him tested and originally they thought he had Asberger disease.

In regards to telling him...the counseler that my W saw originally when the A occurred informed her not to tell me or the child. Should a child dealing with teen hood be told?

PFMA,
In as kind of way as you can possibly muster you need to let your wife know that it's "great" that she has moved on but that you are dealing with 15 years worth of lies of ommission and commission.

If you are to get through this she can't just have the attitude that...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...this was a long time ago and she went to a counseler and has since forgiven herself. Since then she has put it away and moved on. .. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a typical FWS reaction to the discovery of their affair whether it happened last week or 15 years ago. They just never quite get it. How many years ago was the affair?

Another typical reaction is that they don't want to talk about it. They feel that the disclosure is a big enough sacrifice. WRONG! You will have alot of questions that deserve to be answered and probably must be answered before you can move on. Tell her that "I don't know or I can't remember" are not answers that help rebuild the lost trust.

Concerning questions: every MBer has a different opinion on how much detail you should ask for. My guess is that the mental video is already running in your head. I asked for most details. The speculation video was replaced by the video based upon real events. Not sure which is worse or more difficult to recover from.

Your wife will have a difficult time understanding why you don't trust her. Afterall the EA & PA were 5,6,7 or more years ago. There have been so many wonderful family times together since then. Right? She doesn't realize that her betrayal causes you to question all motivations since the A.

Try to stay calm especially for your children's sake. If your calm you're more likely to get the information that you want.If you drink, curtail it or stop completely during this period. It is "gasoline on the fire."

If you feel yourself slippining into depression, don't make my mistake. Go to your doctor and get on a anti-depressant. Depression is progressive. The longer you wait to treat it the harder it is to treat.

You may want to let her know that regardless of what she did you still love your son. Hope I'm not assuming too much.

Read every book you can on surviving affairs and marital communication. Start with Harley's How to "Survive an Affair". Also "Men are from Mars; Women... Venus" is a good one. If you mix the affair survival books with the marital help type books your wife will be more likely to read them with you and you can discuss as you go. If you just wan to focus on the affair and "educating" your wife, she'll be much less likely to cooperate.

Have you heard of the rolercoaster yet?? It's a good metaphor because one day or minute you'll be up at the top and happy with your recovery progress and the next you'll screaming pell mell down into the grief, anger, resentment etc. BTW, the ADs do flatten out the peaks and valleys considerably.

pfma, keep posting. Vent here if you need to instead of at the wife. Never bring your kids into it.

Your on your way.

cwmac

To cwmac,
It feels like you could have written the scrpit of the last few months I have been living. The rollar coaster ride has been greater then any I have seen in this country.

I to have had a picture of the A and with some of the details given (she can not recall the rest)for me they are just to painful to hear right now. I, like most people here seem, can't believe you make a vow in front of family, friends, and God and throw it in the trash for some unknown reason. This from a person who loves you? I would not like an enemy that is this cruel. Yet, this women has always been and still is the love of my life.
As for my son he is mine by all other methods other then biology and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Thanks for your support and your wise advise.

Many people disagree with my attitude towards children, but I beleive honesty is the best policy. This information will have to be timed VERY carefully though. When you tell him, make sure it's during a time that you can spend quite a bit of time with him afterwards (not on a school night). Begin by saying, "You are my son!" and end with saying "You are my son!" Be prepared to answer questions about his sperm donor. He will want to know from what genes he comes from...maybe even want to meet him.

Yes, W will have to answer questions. I guess wait for a time when she is more comfortable answering questions. But don't wait too long...he will ask you how long you've known (how long have you lied to him).

Put yourself in his shoes. What if youir parents had this information about you, would you want to know? And when would you like them to tell you?

One other thing that may not make it any easier on anyone, but which is worth knowing: A huge percentage of children in this country are born under similar circumstances. Some of the estimates that I've read say that it's as high as ONE IN FOUR children. (Think about that next time you're in a child's classroom, or in a work meeting, or in your place of worship, or at the mall. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

Your son is not alone in this, nor are you alone in this situation. There is tremendous fear and anxiety surrounding such situations and they are normally kept very quiet, but they are everywhere.

I think "sperm donor" is an excellent way to think about it. I have a child who reall was born via a sperm donor, and we plan to answer her questions as they come up, in an age-appropriate way.

In this case, you don't have that luxury. You've got a lot of information that you didn't have before, and you're having to process it yourself, much less figure out how to talk to him about it.

But there are two separate issues here:

- Your wife's infidelity.
- Your son's sperm donor.

They happen to be interrelated because she had an affair with the sperm donor.... but sperm donation happens all the time and the children of sperm donation are WELCOME and WANTED. And more importantly, they are PART OF THE FAMILY just like all the other kids.

Those are the things your son needs to know, specially and appropriately for him.

The entire family will have to figure out how to heal from your wife's infidelity and the pain that goes with it, but if YOU can manage a certain amount of wry humor about the sperm donation ("Huh. And here I thought all my wrigglers were doing fine on their own. Oh well! Sperm is SO hard to keep track of.... And, my son, I love you more than ever."), it might be a tremendously healing thing for everyone concerned.

One sperm doesn't really measure up when compared to thirteen years of loving, caring, working, crying, laughing, and raising a child.

StillHere & Just J,

I agree & disagree with you. What I mean is PFMA hasn't said how old his son is. I would be very hesitant to tell an 8 year old that he's not the biological offspring of PFMA. Most marriage counselors (including Harleys) council couples not to specifically bring young children into the knowledge of the infidelity.

If the children know that there are toubles in the R, then yes you acknowledge that fact. You honestly tell them that Mom & Dad are having trouble but that you are attempting to work it out. You make sure that they know it's not their fault.

You do not go out of your way to tell them that one parent or the other slept with someone else. You do not use denigrating words ie "Mom's a slut" or "Dad's a pig."

Since I'm the father of teens, I would even hesitate telling my daughters. They know about the M trouble but they've also seen alot of improvement in the past several months.

Yes PFMA, your son needs to know but when will depend on his age and IMHO his psychological make-up.

PFMA, the main board has a section on what to tell children. Please read before you do anything!!

cwmac

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Again I would like to thank all of you for your kind support. As for the child. He is 13 y/o. I am not the sperm donor but I am the only dad he knows. Also, I will always continue to be his dad. Regardless of the A.
I am quite sure of this.

I have spoken to a family legal counseling service. I am concerned if the OM finds out there is a child he will want to be in his life. In fact he has evey right to establish a relationship since he did produce him. I know this may sound selfish but the OM is not a very nice person, has all but abandoned his own children and frankly, in this acute setting, I don't know if I could function rationally in the same zip code as him. Right now I think I need to get a handle on this A and the emotions I have been experiencing before I move to any other nightmares.

PFMA,
If I were in your shoes (and I know I'm not so it's easier to give opinions), I wouldn't tell the boy until he's a leagal adult in your state.

The teen years are tough enough on their own. Don't think he needs additional issues to deal with.

Are you liing to him? I don't think so. As you said you're the only father he's ever had.

cwmac

I too find that as sound advice. Once my son is of legal age he can initiate contact if he wishes but I think teen years are hard enough to get through without these complications.

Just to make things difficult, this is one of Dr. Harley's answers to a question of OC from an A. In this letter the child is 2 years old...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Another very difficult issue is whether or not to tell your daughter who her real father is. Again, I suggest that you reach an enthusiastic agreement before you make a decision. The Policy of Radical Honesty applies only to a husband and wife, and not necessarily to children. While I tend to value honesty in all situations, if you and Robin can enthusiastically agree to deceive your child about her real father, it's up to you.

But if you want my advice, I would encourage you to be honest with Robin's daughter very early in life, so that there are no surprises later. I think it's more important for her to know she can trust what you say, than that she thinks you are her real father. Eventually, she is likely to know the truth anyway, and if she was consistently told that she was your daughter, the truth might undermine her trust of you. Regardless of who her genetic father may be, you will be the father that cares for her most for the rest of her life, and she will know that about you as you raise her into adulthood.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I'd agree with part of Harley's statement that it should be decided using the POJA. But I don;'t think your W will be volunteering that piece of new to her son.

I still disagree with telling an early teen. They have huge identity issues. I don't think you want your son thinking of himself as the "black sheep" of the family. Regardless of how well you approach him and tell him, this is how he'll probably view it.

Now if he somehow stumbles onto the info, I wouldn't continue to hide the fact.

Come to think of it with the POJA, you may never be able to tell him bc his mother won't want her 18-21 yr old son thinking she's "loose".

cwmac