I'm devastated, I just found out that my wife has herpes...and the worst part is that she had many lovers before me, I feel angry, jealous...I don't know... frustrated...should I seek counseling? what should I do?

How upsetting. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please know that your life is not over, nor is your sexual life. Millions of Americans live with herpes every day and enjoy a relatively stress-free sex life. Go on the Internet and learn as much as you can about the disease.

How long have you been married? Did you know about the history of lovers? Were they pre-marriage? And did your wife know she had herpes? That in itself is an important question: many people have it and don't know it. If she did, and she withheld this information from you, then yes, I would strongly suggest counseling, but for BOTH of you.

Ubie2004

Sorry to hear about the herpes.

Did she claim to be a virgin? Or did she say it was jusy 1-2 partners and it turned out to be the hundreds?

I know it's hard for you to think of it this way, but be thankful. My W cheated on me (including unprotected sex) with a good friend of hers from before we were married over 17 yrs ago. You'll see all sorts of horrible stories on this site. Despite it all you can recover. All marriages should have a policy of complete truth.

cwmac

thanks for all your support...I wish I can find some piece of mind...regarding the same subject, first my wife didn't know about her herpes, and second, about her lovers, there were a lot more that she claimed to have, probably hundreds...changing the subject, another remarkable thing is, she is lacking desire?
she says she loves me, but the desire is not there anymore...this is ruining my life....please I need advise...thanks

Ubie

Ubie,
Has she said, "I love you; I'm just not in love with you."?

If so that's a bad sign. Alot of BSs hear that comment as the first salvo in their stuggle with infidelity.

Please give more info on your situation. Years married. etc etc

I don't know alot about herpes. Doesn't it show up as soon as it's transferred? Sooo.. she got it after you were married???

cwmac

ubie, having had some experience in dealing with a partner with herpes, I can tell you with confidence that many people do not know they have it. Some people are carriers and they do not manifest symptoms.

As for your wife not being interested in sex with you, there can be a myriad of reasons for that, ranging from medical to biological to motional. Yes, it really could be that she doesn't love you or want to be with you anymore. It could be something else. Is your wife willing to go to counseling and explore all of these issues?

ubie, having had some experience in dealing with a partner with herpes, I can tell you with confidence that many people do not know they have it. Some people are carriers and they do not manifest symptoms.

As for your wife not being interested in sex with you, there can be a myriad of reasons for that, ranging from medical to biological to emotional. Yes, it really could be that she doesn't love you or want to be with you anymore. It could be something else. Is your wife willing to go to counseling and explore all of these issues?

ubie, you must feel devastated after finding out that you have been living a lie. It really destroys your spirit when you find out that your partner is not the person you thought she was. I am not sure what would be a decent suggestion in this situation. Do you have children together? She has not been honest with you and that is not a good sign. You need to find out why she really married you. Best of luck. Hang in there.

That's tuff, however having a close friend that found out they had herpes recently I do know that it is not as horrible as it sounds. If you believe the commercials 1 in 5 or 1 in 4 adults have the virus. That's increadible.

As far as your W not being honest with you about her past that isn't a good thing but herpes aside, I know easy for me to say, it doesn't neccasarily mean it's a bad thing. Particularly for women things like that can be hard to admit.

On the lack of sex drive my s-in-l was active starting at 13 and I do mean active if you get my drift. She has now been in a happy marriage for 7 years and my W says her sister can't stand even the thought of sex. She talked to her doctor and they gave her some clinical reason that escapes me right now so you might explore that.

Hang in there.

Sorry about the shock. About the herpes, I contracted it several year ago from oral sex. My lover did not know he had it. He had never had any genital symptoms, just the typical "fever blister" on the mouth from time to time that most people get. However, if you perform oral sex on someone...you get the picture. It hasn't bothered me since the initial outbreak years ago.

Anyway, If you want to keep your wife, you'd better start trying to meet her needs, whatever they are. I'm in the middle of this myself with my husband and it's amazing what you can discover about yourself and your spouse from using the material available on this site.

Check out all the info on emotional needs...complete the questionnaire...and after you feel like you have a handle on yours, give it all to her and have her fill out a questionnaire too. Then swap and be prepared for some shocking revelations.

I too went through a period of "loving my husband, but not being in love with him" and it led to an affair (which led to the herpes). If my husband had been meeting my needs at the time, it would never have happened. But it did, and it just got worse, and now he has had an affair too. I wasn't meeting his needs either. I had given up. Start there and God bless.