over a year ago my sister moved in with my husband and I. She was supposed to be helping me out because I was pregnant with my second child and my husband was having to care for his mother who was dying of cancer. My sister is a little on the promiscuous side to begin with and so we had a long discussion before she moved in...needless to say after only being there for 3 weeks I found her and my husband one night together. Iwas devastated and so was he...I've never seen him cry...but he did. It was on valentines day (my birthday the next) my problem is that i can't get the picture out of my head...she no longer lives with us but i feel so betrayed... Now I don't know if I can trust him. His excuse was that he was going through a hard time with his mother and she showed him attention and he was flattered (she's nine years younger than I am. I also found that he had been on adult friend finder during that time..I read his profile and he said he was divorced and that his children didn't live with him plus one of his statements on his profile said "STRESS EATS COMMITMENT" This has made me question myself...am i nagging to much?...should I even say anything thats a complaint...everything has been good recently but I'm terrified that he's just not happy with me..I feel like everything I do is try to please him because I want him to be happy with me. How can I keep him happy without making myself miserable..ifeel like I'm walking on eggshells whenever he gets mad because I just want him to be happy with me.

well apparently you only talk to selective people...appreciate the help.

Stop worrying about whether or not he gets mad over something you say. Now is the time to speak up for yourself. He did this, not you. Everyone suffers from stress at sometime or another. Stress is not an excuse to betray your spouse. No one put a gun to his head and forced him to sleep with your sister. You have suffered a double betrayal...your WS and your sister. Is he willing to sit down with you and discuss his needs and your needs in this marriage? You said he felt badly about betraying you. So what is he doing to rectify the situation? What are you doing to take care of yourself? Prayer, a strong support system from perhaps friends or maybe another family member, counseling, etc are all positive things you can do to help you get through this. I hope the best for you. Take care of yourself.

First.. I caught them having oral sex...not intercourse(fine line, i know). He has been wonderful since... my issue is learning to not freak out every time he leaves the house...He has done everything I could possibly want since this happened...but every time he's late i worry and now I constantly catch myself checking up on him...it makes me feel horrible to spy on him,especially since there haven't been any discrepancies. But now I feel that if I had made him completely happy this wouldn't have happened and so i'm trying any self-improvement technique that comes along.

Hello,

Your post is only a day old, relax, it takes time for people to find it.

Your sister, Yuck . . .

First, the type of sex they were having isn't really the point. Obviously something was missing (or he thought it was) in his life or he wouldn't have become involved with someone else.
Do the emotional questionnaires on this site and identify was it is.

You shouldn't feel horrible checking up on your husband. Trust has been broken and it will take a while until it is reestablished. Trust is earned.

It is a good sign that he is remorseful and doing the things he can to make you feel loved.

This stuff takes time.

Your H's behavior, although *totally* inappropriate and *totally* his choice, was probably brought about by a lot of stress. Extremely ill mother, pregnant wife, house guest... He was probably looking for an escape from the burdens that real life was dumping on him. His comment on the adult friend finder substantiates this (stress eats commitment). This does NOT excuse him, however. Many people suffer amazing stresses and don't have an A.

You shouldn't have to live your life trying to please him every moment. That's not realistic and will eventually wear you out and cause resentment.

You say you walk on eggshells whenever he gets mad... perhaps you could better express yourself so that you dont' anger him. Or maybe he's mad at other stuff (work, whatever) and takes it out on you.

I'd suggest the two of you get a copy of "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" and read it together. My H and I are reading it - I've read it already so we sit down every once in an while and he reads it aloud to me. We pause frequently to discuss the material and we answer all the questions at the end of the chapters. Fill out all the questionnaires.

This book will help your H to learn how to make you feel loved (by meeting your ENs) and also will teach you how to meet his - that should help you feel more secure in how you're pleasing him as a wife.

It will also help you both to recognize love busters and how you may be unwittingly hurting or angering one another.

Also it teaches ways to negotiate, to provide a safe environment for one another... lots of good stuff in this book!