My husband and I have been separated for a few months. I had already went and filed for a divorce because everytime we tried to make things work it just never would and I didn't know why. He came to me and told me that he was having an affair for the past couple of months and that is the reason that we couldn't make things work b/c he felt guilty about what he had done. Everytime he would leave he would go back to the OW house. I honestly had no idea, I thought he just wasn't ready for a family. I asked him why he told me when we had already filed for a divorce and he said that he wanted to make things work for us and he couldn't do that b/c everytime he would come back this secret would just eat him up inside. He felt like he needed to be honest with me before he could truly come home. I really want my marriage to work and I am willing to do anything to make this happen and I told him this. He called the OW on the phone in front of me and told her that he was comming back to me and that he didn't want to see or talk to her again. The thing now is that he walks around the house looking all depressed. I don't understand b/c he is the one that cheated and hurt me terribly and I am willing to do whatever to make this work. I asked him if he was sad about having to give up his OW and of course he says no that he is just depressed. What do I do? Someone please talk to me.

maybe you need to go on a mini vacation...let him miss you instead!!!

sorry you are here read the many articles, they will help alot . one good thing is that he was a honest with you and that is a good step. he is feeling what they call as withdrawal from the OW,(other woman) she was filling his EN's (emotional needs) he will go thru this for awhile but just keep your head up and try not to LB(love buster). just keep on doing like your doing and he will come around, your showing him why the marriage is worth working for.

I'm sure he's depressed about the whole situation he caused. My husband went through the same thing and of course I thought he was missing the OW. I think that the person who cheats goes through some sort of guilt especially when watching you go through your hurt/emotions. Just be honest with him and make sure that he knows how you feel. And ask the same from him. I think that's the most important part of a marriage. The honesty.

Thank you very much for responding. I can't take this anymore. I told him to leave last night. I feel like I have to be the one reasurring him about our marriage, he hasn't shown me any reason he wants to be there. I know he told me he wants to be with me, but actions speak louder than words. The thing is is that he didn't have to tell me at all, I probably would have never found out. This hurts to much. It's the worst thing that has ever happend to me. I will get through this, I just wish the pain would go away......

Hi B,
I am also sorry you have to be here - but perhaps you can get some help for this terrible situation you are in the middle of.

I can't take this anymore. I told him to leave last night.

You don't have to take it if you don't want to, but it is always good to wait a few weeks - until after some of the pain and anger pass. Many times in the heat of the moment we do and say things we are later sorry for.

I feel like I have to be the one reasurring him about our marriage, he hasn't shown me any reason he wants to be there. I know he told me he wants to be with me, but actions speak louder than words.

Compare where he is to an addiction - alcohol, or drugs. Often a person wants to do better, but doesn't know how. The above statement (from you) kind of conflicts with the next one below.


The thing is is that he didn't have to tell me at all, I probably would have never found out.

His telling you is kind of like the cry of an addicted person reaching out for help. If he didn't want to make it work, I don't think he would have come out and told you about it.


This hurts to much. It's the worst thing that has ever happend to me. I will get through this, I just wish the pain would go away......

I am so sorry for this. I know there are no words we can say to make the pain go away, or to make you feel better, but we do care, and we wish we could do more. It takes time, and I recommend you see your doctor about anti-depressent drugs that could and ususlly do help. Many here have been helped greatly for the first few months until their emotions start to level out.

Please read as much as you can on this site in the basic concepts section, and also how to recover from an affair. If you don't want to keep him, you still need to recover personally.

Often neither party has the skills to do recovery on their own, and it usually helps to get a good counsler to help. I recommend you seek counseling for this- it will help with your pain if nothing else.

Again, please don't do anything RIGHT NOW as far as asking him to leave, or leaving yourself. Please give this a few weeks before you make this major life changing decision. I acknowledge your right to choose, but many here have found that things are not as bad as they first thought, that they can work through the pain and have a good marriage despite the A, and it's attendant bad feelings.

- It is still your choice, but why not give it a chance?

You should know that weekends are often slow, many of us have more time at work than we do at home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Sometimes we don't have any time at all, but we do care about you.

SS

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

YES definetly take some time to think this thru...................... dont rely on emotions of thye moment. Would have known had he mentioned it? He was honest with you, would you repay his honesty with this? He wants to work on your marriage, it can be and willl be stronger and better than it evber was, IF youd give it a chance....................


prays are with you
cliff

Well he did leave. I went away for the weekend just to be by myself and think about things. He told me that he doesn't know what he wants he says he has not talked to the OW but I don't know if I believe him. I talked to him and just told him that I do love him and I know that we can make our marriage work, that we have to take one day at a time. I told him that he knows how I feel and that I won't pressure him about anything b/c I don't want to push him away but at the same time I want him to know that I am here for him. Well he didn't call Monday, but he has called me a couple of times the past couple of days. I really want my marriage to work, I know we can be happy but I know it will take time. I just wish I knew how to solve our problems right now. You guys are right with everyday this does get easier. Thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />