Thank you "turtlehead" for your thoughts.No I don't think I can have an "ideal" marriage with my H because I have more than myself to consider.My three daughters.The relationship my H has created with them is so sad.They hate him.So not only am I working to save my marriage but I'm also trying to save what relationship my children have with him.I have asked my H to leave,he wont.I don't have the money to rent any place.Every dime I make goes towards utilities and the house payment and my truck.The only family I have is my stepfather who lives 40 miles away and doesn't have the room for 4 of us.
I've made alot of changes within myself for the better considering,so I'm handeling situations alot better now.This past week has been trying.A few times he's tried to pick arguments with me but I don't fule the fire.You see I honestly feel he's trying to find an excuse and any reason why our relationship won't work that way he can justify his behavior.That's why nothings been right in the house and he's been constantly finding things wrong or things he doesn't like,as soon as he walks in the door it starts.Like yesturday he wasn't home 5 minutes and he told me he felt like packing his bags because my daughter was running late for school and didn't put the trash out.At this point it's just any little thing except he magnifies it and feeds off the negativity.He doesn't take responsibility for anything but he can point fingers.He says the whole house is dirty when there's one sock the kids dropped on the floor.It's unbearable at times.Do I want to live like this the rest of my life? NO! I just don't have very many options right now.Well I gotta get back to work.....Thanks again

MAND,

Couple of thoughts regarding your last few posts. I too thought when my W began her affair that "the children" are what's most important. You know what I learned? THEY ARE...which is exactly why you must leave if his behavior does not change. It is worse for your children to be in the environment they are in now for an extended period of time then for you to do 'whatever' it takes to get yourself and them away from this destructive situation. As much as everyone on this board talks about the fog that wayward spouses have, I think we the betrayed have our own fog too. To think that living under these conditions is better because we dont have the financial means to go somewhere else is ludicrous. Plus, by your own words, he isn't contributing very much to the house anyway. It's time for him to be made to understand that without HIS help, there is no House, no car, no lights, nor anything esle that requires a TEAM. The question really is how far are you willing to go for your girls? Do some research on what happens to girls that grow up (don't know how old they are) in the type of environment you are describing. It ain't pretty! I'm not trying to beat up on you....I'm trying to help you to see that right now, although the person who is doing all these wrong things is your husband, he is getting a TON of help from you! Until you stop helping him there is no reason in the world for him to even think about it. On one hand you say you asked him to leave and he will not. If that's the case why have you not filed for a divorce and had a court REMOVE him from the house. Even if it is not permanent, it might be what it takes to wake him the f**k up. I want to say more but have to get back to work now....I will try to post a follow up later. One last thought....when he gets back from this trip, he should come home to an empty house.

Good morning!
I've looked into different avenues of divorce.I don't have the money to retain a lawyer(2000.00).I'm waiting to hear back for legal aid to see if they can help.I need a lawyer because of the children and to protect myself.I can't start the process by myself because the attornies I've talked to wont take my case when it's already in process.I'll try to tell more later but I've got to get to work now.Have a wonderful day.P.S JP hows your daughter and your situation?

MAND,

I'm sorry you are in this situation. If D is your only way then it is what you must do, but that does not make it any less sad. As for me, we were doing a little better but are on the outs again becuase no matter how hard I try my W just will not talk about how serious this is. She just wants to forget about it and move on. Very typical, but no less difficult for the BS to handle. Daughter is doing very well, thanks for asking.
JP

Hello, I'm just looking into all my avenues right now and divorce is an option.To tell you the truth I can't wait until he goes on his trip.I want to see how the children are without him.I want to take time for me too and be able to breath a little.He'll be gone for a good 2-3 weeks.After all there's no need for him to hurry back(that's what he told me).He treats me like I'm the one doing something wrong??? It's horrible living with someone who doesn't want you anymore. Well JP it seems like your on your own to deal with things.Don't let it get the better of you, keep control.Did you find the website I told you about????

I'm just trying to deal with what I have to and yes I have to.I don't have a choice right now. I don't have anywhere else to go.I don't have the money to move out. The kids have 2 weeks of school left.There's alot I've taken into consideration.If I left where are my kids going to sleep? In my truck! I don't avoid anything how can I when it slaps me in the face everyday. I have learned to cope with alot of things and it's made me stronger, I'm extremely independant believe it or not. I did have a life before I was married and I was independent then that hasn't changed in me even after 20+ years of marriage. I've never depended on my H for anything.For the past 14 years of our marriage I've been the main provider.So I do have alot of control within myself.I've never given up on anything,I've always had hope and found a way to make things better one way or another. I just married someone who's taken advantage and taken for granted alot of things.Considering how I grew up, I'm greatful for everything in my life.I know I can't change my H, I don't try.I'm just haveing a hard time realizing what he's turnned into.So until I can make something happen with my situation I have to deal with whats going on in which somethings I have no control.So please bear with me and help me get through. Thank you

MAND,

See that real sturdy looking thing over there? It's everyone here at MB ready to be 'leaned' on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Do what you have to do and just know that you are NOT alone.
JP

Thanks JP

Well it's getting close now. He should be leaving in 21/2 weeks.He's getting ready. I'm doing ok,just taking things as they come.I'm avoiding my H as much as possible now but in a mild manner.I don't call him, when he's home I just do my own thing or go outside or just stay in another room doing things.I'm not doing it delibratly I'm just doing what I want and that's to create some distance between H and me, for me. He's really stressing about his weight,my thoughts are ,Oh well. I'm trying really hard basically, not to care anymore. I don't question,argue nothing. Like yesturday I had cleaned the house and rearranged things, he had bought a clock at a garage sale which I put on the wall.He Walked into the living room and said "see this is how I want my house, boy if I were single I'd have every woman thinking wow".I didn't say anything.I wanted to say if it wasn't for me working we wouldn't have some of the things we have.Don't get me wrong we're far from wealthy.I just kept my mouth shut and thought "ho hum"and just continue to do whatever. What makes all of this so hard is he still talks like we're going to be together. Yesturday he was talking about when he gets his settlement (he's sueing a pharmacutical company,it goes in front of a jury in July) we should sell the trailer and get a house so we can have more room.He still talks about things he wants us to do. But you know what I've learned not to get caught up in his dreams.I'm very much staying in reality and what is happening. He also want to go to Florida in August for his birthday(he had a male friend who lives there who he's gotten close to through his chat room). I didn't comment. It hurts because I know I'll never be able to meet these people because they don't know about me.I'd love to take a vacation to Florida and meet his friend and his wife but they don't know my H is married and they never will because then they'll know how he really is. Oh well......see ya!

Eloquent..take a look at my thread "How do I help him to get offline" In the "In Recovery" section. The truth is that I know from my own experience that the internet and particularly chat are a serious addiction. It lead to my having affairs and leaving my marriage and is now impeding my husband from participating in saving our marriage. You really shouldnt give up without a fight. Your first step needs to be to get into his chatroom and let everyone know that you are his wife and tell about his children. see if you can message the woman he is meeting and let her know that he is married. I had a 7 month internet affair with a guy who told me his was widowed, while I was separated, and immediately his wife revealed her existence to me the affair was over. You really need to Plan A this (if you have the will) and revealing teh affair to his online friends , his family etc is part of this. If you decide to fight it u have a bumpy road ahead; I know...Im on it!! And DO confront him.... after youve revealed his little games to his online friends <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Good luck!

Thanks Deb, I've been living with this now for along time (over 2 years).I have confronted him but it doesn't change anything.In his chat room no one knows he's married.When he talks about me with them and things we do I'm his roommate or his X-wife or he'll say he went shopping with his mother. I have no access to his computer.I don't know his password,he changes it all the time so I can't use it.When he leaves the house the computer is still on I just can't log on.If I did anything to that computer he'd know it and I don't know if it would be worth the stress and worry.I can't get into his chat room because you need X amount of files to share before he allows you in. When he's not watching his chatroom then he has other people "admined" to watch it and kick people out.It's intence.How sad.He's missing so much.He's missed our childrens school programs because he'd rather sit home drink and chat.The kids don't even go to him anymore.I don't know what to do.He wasn't home when I got home yesturday,he came home around 8pm.Didn't say much went right to his computer and started chatting until he went to bed.What hurts the most is the time and effort he puts into it and the time he gives other people to talk about their problems or whatever and not his family.Then not to mention the way he talks to these other women.I'm pretty sure he has made arrangements to meet someone on this trip he's going on.Weather it be meeting her half way or flying her to OH.I just wish I could get in his chat room and scream......

Hi Eloquent
I saw your reply on starshattered thread and thought I would drop you a line,I left you a message there also.

I just feel so bad for you,my H also had an online A and the pain of it is so intense.
I wish there was something I could do to help but just know that I am here to listen if you need me to.

I do not know alot about computers but I am sure there are ways for you to get into the computer.You might think of starting a post on this subject and others who know about this stuff will respond and can help.I did this and the people from this form helped me to locate the OW H,and also tried to help me retreive old emails,I just was not sure what to do with the information I got.This might be an idea for you.

Take care I will keep checking in on you.

I tell ya the first thing I'm going to do when my H leaves is sleep in. I want to get alot of rest while he's gone. I want to take time for me, to really think about what's going on. I've been so busy and because the date of H leaving is getting closer, he's been intense to live with(he's stressing). He leaves on a Friday and I have that weekend off so it's going to be trying but I've been here done this for 2 summers now. I have to remember that. It's amazing how I'm handling this time compared to two years ago when I was begging him to stay and not fly off to OW. I've let go alot and it's good for me.
I'm not happy with what he's done and the choices he's made or making but there's nothing I can do about that. I don't question. I'm trying to focus more on myself and not worry about him so much. I have no control once he walks out that door. Honestly I think if he is truely going to meet this person I'll find out about her when he gets back or maybe by a phone call.He can't tell me about her yet, he hasn't met her and right now I'm his roof over his head. It makes sence to me. I'm just trying to deal with things as they come. I thought OW was gone but last night I noticed her in his chatroom. Then when I went to the store he had a little PM box on his screen but I couldn't see who it was he was waiting to chat too.He covers the top part.It hurt, alot of things bring back bad memories right down to certain songs he plays. I can't stand it. If I confront him with his chat (which I stopped doing months ago) he gets mad,he's told me in the past that he'll never give it up. I'm certainly not there because of the children, 2 of the 3 want him gone which just breaks my heart. When he's gone I'll be able to breath and think of my options more clearly but I just want to rest as much as possible. I'll have more time to look into the laws ect. Thank all of you for your support.

I'm coming to recognize what makes this so hard.I'm constantly reminded of what he's done. Like he put a "do not disturb"sign on the bedroom door handle it's been there for a year or so but it just dawned on me that he got that when he was having A#1.There's a book in our bedroom which she gave him. Last night he said he was going to work to check on things so I went to the store with the kids. When we pulled into the mall I noticed his car sitting in the deserted part of the parking lot. When he saw me pull in he came and parked next to me.He was talking with someone on his cell phone as soon as I approched his car he had got off his phone. Immediatly it bumbed me out because that's what he used to do last summer when he was involved with A#2. He'd go get "Wendys" and sit in a parking lot and talk to OW.He even had "Wendy's" last night. He said he had been waiting for us to show up. Right. When we got home he made a comment about my facial expression when I approched his car in the parking lot and he said sarcastically "I loved the expression on your face when you saw me on the phone,you probably thought I was talking with some chick". I just shrugged my shoulders and said "why are you worried about it". He didn't say anything. I really try not to wear my feelings but it just hit me wrong and turned my stomach.Bad memories.I'm still dealing with alot. I respect his things, that's why the book is still in my house.Eventhough it hurts.I don't think he'll ever really feel, see or realize what damage he's caused and the pain. I'm getting ready for the worst already.I'm expecting him to come back from this trip and tell me he's with someone else and what a great time they had.Been there done that.His last A he wanted me and the kids to sit and watch the movie he made of OW and her children.I walked away.I'm just glad that I've come this far and gained alot of strength and I feel very fortunate to have spoken with some of you fine people.Well gotta go

From what I have just read it sounds as if you are in a very abusive relationship.

Do you mind me asking why you stay??
Is there a reason that you do not leave??

I believe there is a fine line between being strong and allowing someone to abuse you.I do not mean this wrong but what your H is doing is going to cause alost of damage not only to you but to your children.

Him wanting you to watch a video he took is way beyond normal,this is abuse.

I hope that you do get the rest you need.

eloquent,

Your last post made me cry. I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend many years ago. I stayed long after I should have, and even his family asked why. I feel so badly for you and I hope that soon you will find the strength to kick his butt out.

Please don't respect his things. Throw them out on the lawn, be sure the computer is severely damaged, burn the book, and put a big sign up letting the neighbors know what kind of a person he is. It is no reflection on you ... he's the bad guy, not you.

I do understand your need to rest, though. You DO need to take care of yourself and think of YOUR needs. Please, please, please get rid of him before you lose who you truly are.

You're much too good for him.

Thank you for your replies. Why I stay is because I don't have anywhere else to go right now or the money.I can't throw his things out he'd get me arrested for domestic violence then sue me for property damages.He would too.He just called me and his tone of voice was very direct.He told me he had to come home to plug his cell phone in.Usually when he's that direct he's been talking to OW.He said he was talking to his friend "Taco"(a male who lives in Florida)for over an hour.My H has been at the pool all day after all he has to work on his tan,just like last summer before he met OW....I hate this constant doubt I have but I feel something is going to happen real soon.I hope he's not flying OW here...Been there done that too.That was horrible.Have to go back to work now

Well I don't know what the hell happened. When I got home form work yesturday my H was at his computer and drinking he had been at the pool in our park most of the day relaxing.He was in a great mood.I started getting dinner prepared so we could go to the pool and cook out there.When we got to the pool he couldn't get the radio to work (dead batteries I think) he threw it on the ground and the batteries rolled all over the ground. I asked him if it could be the batteries and sarcastically he said he didn't know, at this point I was on my gaurd and knew I had to watch what I said.Then he said " if I would of known this is how kids were going to be I wouldn't of had any" I didn't say anything back to him, I didn't want to fule the fire.He asked me where our 16 year old was or "chunk" as he calls her when he's mad and I told him she went home to do a treatment for her asthma.That made him even worse he said "she probably went home to talk to her "fag" friends","your so nieve but that's how mothers are,stupid" I mean all this happened within 10 minutes of being at the pool. Then he brought up the broken window in our 16 yr olds room and asked what I was going to do about it.I have to find out who did it.She says the wind.??????Anyway then again he brought up him leaving and how he thinks that I think he's having an A and in the same sentance he said he didn't have anyone.Why he brought this up I don't know, I haven't talked or questioned him about anything.Then he accuses me of whinning and nagging him about his chat room.Which I don't do but after all "but you've been good this past week".I mean he was just throwing things at me. I felt like running for cover. It was one thing after another. He was telling me how to raise the kids and accusing me of putting thoughts in their heads about him. I just said they are old enough to see and listen but he could think whatever he wanted. I asked him why is he laying all this on me he said "if I do anything about it I'll end up in jail", I said "no you won't and you know it" he said "I would end up in jail" really slow.Then he says he doesn't know what his plans are.All I wanted to do was relax and cook hamburgers and have a great time.He pretty much set the tone and ruined it even the kids picked up on it.We stayed at the pool for about an hour.when we were getting ready to leave he said" and I don't want this conversation when we get home ok" i just said ok and left it at that. Yea like I wanted it to begin with.I know better to argue with him when he's been drinking,come on.When we got home he went into the bedroom and shut the door,I needed to get something and he just glared at me and gave me a dirty look.I just stayed away from him until I went to bed. Unfortunatly my 9 yr old woke me up because of her sunburn so here I am at work at 3am.I couldn't get back to sleep. I've ran on 2 hrs sleep before though I'll be ok.I was just so upset yesturday evening my heart was pounding and palpatating.I've already had one heart proceedure due to tachacardia episodes.A little electric signal wasn't going the right direction so my heart would palpatate then within a second my heart would be beating at 190-210 a minute, normal is 70-80 a minute.So they went in and burned off the little node which was causing the problem and I've been fine but I got scared yesturday because my heart was pounding so hard when we got home from the pool.Anyway what a nightmare. I think I handled it ok though, I stayed in control with a calm voice. I didn't fule the fire. All I wanted was a hamburger. I just kept my mouth shut most of the time and let him ramble on and on and on and on....We'll see if he calls me today, if he does it wont be to apologize, he never does that.I just think it's odd how for 3 nights in a row now he's brought up how he thinks that I think he's having an A. Why would he be doing that.He's leaving in 2 weeks on this trip.????I don't know I'm just being or trying to be me and take care of things the best I can. I mean there's alot of things I could of fired back at him with.Like how dare he tell me how to do things when he's got his face glued to the computer screen,he doesn't do anything in the house to help out he wont even put his dish in the diswasher eventhough he knows my daughter just cleaned it.There's alot of things I could of said but I just listened and bit my tounge... I don't know, I felt something bad was going to happen and it did. Sorry for going on and on, thank you.

Sounds like you have a really bad situation at home.
Mine is somewhat different but I could relate to most all that you wrote.
Wish there was more I could do than to read and let you know your not alone but I cant.
So just know that you are not alone and this is a great place to let that anger out.

Keep posting,take care.

Thank you Gingersnap