Lori and Jazz please go to "new topic" and post your concerns in the forum so you can get more advise with your situations.I'll reply to you there.Thanks

Well so far so good. There hasn't been anymore Chicago stories for awhile now. He's back to chatting alot now though in the chat room.I haven't been in there yet. Last week I asked him when he was going to show me the chat room and he said soon, but nothing yet.He still isn't working and we're pretty much down to the nitty gritty now.I don't want to get resentful but it does bother me that he gets up whenever and chats then calls me in the afternoon before he takes his nap. It's like he wants and wants but he doesn't want to work for it.He complains about his back hurting which I don't doubt he has had back problems in the past but I'm working full time with a herniated disk in my neck and a split disk in my lower back.I just deal with the pain,I don't want to loose my job.I haven't been able to get the money together for the home schooling corse I want to take yet but I haven't given up.It seems like every dime I make has some where else to go, utility bills or food. It's not that much $55.oo to get the schooling started but with having to buy school supplies for our 3 kids soon, I may have to wait a little while.Yes I do get resentful at times because I know if my H had a job I would of been able to start school along time ago and things would be different for me/us now.I'm really trying to keep our head above water right now. I'm sorry for going on and on.
Thank you for being here......

Well I've enrolled in a home course for medical coding. I was able to borrow the 55.00 enrolement fee. So hopefully I'll hear something soon.I'm still going to work full time then do the schooling in my home in the evening. I'm really trying to better myself and I figure why not. My H is constantly chatting now again. He is looking for a job though which will help. I still feel very unsure with whats going on. He still wont let me chat with his friends but he'll tell me about them. He got upset last Friday night when I asked if I could say hi to everyone (he was in the bathroom washing his hands), he said NO! then I said, why? He threw his hands in the air and said GO AHEAD!NO ONE KNOWS YOU IN THERE! but I didn't I kinda expected that kind of reaction from him I just said OH and walked away. I'm more concerned about his drinking. He has gotten drunk everyother night for the past week. My 16 yr old even asked me last night why has he been drinking so much lately. I didn't know what to tell her. I don't know. I think it could be stress because now he has to find a real job and I know he doesn't want to.I'm staying pleasant,I'm being patient but he definatly needs to do someting to help me out here.All he's been doing is chatting.He doesn't even do anything in the house and hasn't for along time.It's amazing who much time he'll spend with other people chatting while his children are changing and growing away from him because the see more now and feel alot.I'm just trying to be happy and move on with my life for me. Thanks for being here. I'm scared to let my gaurd down with him.He's proven to me he's capable of anything.He's been very intrieged by the "Scott Peterson" case.Listening to the prosecuters describe "Scott Peterson" it's like they are describing my H.Yet my H can listen to them and say how could he of had an affair? and make other comments.I just want to scream "YOUV'E DONE THE SAME THING"! but I don't say anything. His thinking amazes me sometimes, it's like he hasn't done anything wrong. Well I have to go...Thank you

Just wondering if anyone is out there?????
Things with my situation have changed again. H chatting all the time now and is starting to critisize ect. me again. I feel pretty hopeless right now.It seems no matter how hard I try or what I do it doesn't matter.

Eloquent,

I sorry, I was only able to read page 7 of this thread so maybe I missed a suggestion but here goes....

Have you ever thought about cancelling your internet account?

Sounds like you H spends half the day and most of the nights on the internet and then sleeps in the afternoon... all while you work and probably care for the children too.

Sure he is probably looking for a job on the internet with his IM box open but finding employment is more than checking Monster.com every so often.

Pull the plug on his computer?

I'm far from an expert, but i have in the past been way to addicted to chat and had an internet affair of my own...
the only way you are going to wake your H up and force him to particpate in the real world is to make it harder for him to live in his fantasy...he isn't working and you pay the bills?...well, i think it's time to cut out the expense of the internet access don't you think?..."so sorry honey, but it looks like there just isn't enough money to make that bill this month" .The last poster was right, as long as you allow this behavior and enable it, he's not going to change...why would he? He has the best of all the worlds right now, you there to take care of his 'real life' needs...and his chat buddies to fuel the fantasy he seems to enjoy living in..
you can't force someone to give up an addiction, but you sure can make it hard for him to get a fix...stand up for yourself and your family and decide enough is enough...i don't understand why (if you are the breadwinner and paying the bills already) why do you think you can't make it on your own without him?..Believe me, no matter what he says' when his little fantasy world comes crashing down and you quit enabling him to behave this way, he will have no choice but to recognize he has a problem and be forced to find a way to fix it...

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 07:13 AM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

Hey M,
I just got back online I will try and catch up on all that has been going on w/you as soon as I can just wanted to pop in and say HI and that I am back.
Email me if you can.
Take care talk to you soon.
G

Hello everyone
Well I think there's someone else now or A from OH is back. My H got a job (hopefully its not definate yet) he's working in a halfway house for troubled teens. So every weekend he has to stay with them in a house from Friday morning until Monday morning then he comes home. When he was gone last weekend I got on his computer and noticed on the top of his chat room (where he usually puts his greetings) it said "RnV.....* Trivia" and then the titles of two songs that he used to listen too all the time when he was with A in OH. Her chatroom name was Venus. My H has been really hard to deal with this past week.Complaining alot, nit picking at the littlest things ect. That's what gave me the idea something was going on. He wasn't calling me at work (another sign). I haven't talked to him about what I saw and I don't know if I should yet. When he got home from being away all weekend he went straight to his computer and started chatting. He chatted most of the day and started drinking around 3 until midnight. He hugged me and said, "Thank you for a nice afternoon and thank you for not being a B$%#^ about me chatting with my friends who I haven't talked too all weekend". I hate this feeling of doubt and suspision I have. It made me feel good knowing that he was working all weekend and away from the internet but last night he told me that he's going to get internet at the house he's working at so he can take his laptop with him and keep an eye on the chat room.My heart sank.I was really hopeing that this job would enable him to have access to his chatroom but now he'll be gone for 4 days away from home and be able to chat with whoever. So I feel like I'm in the same boat again rowing backwards. If I approch my H with any of this he'll just say "this is what pushes me away from you" or something to that effect. Been here done this.Then he'll know I looked at his computer and lock it down so I can't access it but now he doesn't know I can get in there. So all I've been doing all week is watching, listening and seeing how his behavior is with me. The signs I picked up on right away are:
-He changed our phone service without telling me.
-Talking to me he's very direct
-Nit picking and complaining about whatever.
-The music he's been playing
-The greeting on his computer
I also discovered that he still has the OH A's email under his MSN contacts and it showes her on line or off line in his messenger.I was shocked I didn't know he still had that stuff. I don't know what to do now. I'm trying with all my might to act like there's nothing wrong with me but I look at him and I feel like I'm living with "Scott Peterson". Someone who wants to lead a double life. Then my daughter told me that when she spent the night at her friends house her and her friend got into his chatroom one night and started messing with my H. He always askes for a profile when my daughter got through chatting discribing herself(totally fabricated) my H asked for her phone number. I told my daugher not to do that ever again.That didn't make me feel any better. I truely hope I'm totally wrong about all this but all I can do is be patient. Sorry for babbling. Thank you for being here.

This is a good place to babble <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You have put up with so much from your H,how much more can you take??

Well I can already tell how are situation is going to work out.It doesn't seem very good.My H is still working so I'm assuming he got the job but they still haven't recieved his back ground check results yet.My H keeps making strange remarks.Last night he was drinking again and I was just doing my own thing while he chatted all evening.I mentioned to him that I had received section 2 of my school work in the mail,he asked if I had mailed a payment to them and I said no that it wasn't due he said "your a domestic violence situation waiting to happen".An hour later he started talking about his job and that if he doesn't get the job it would be because of the domestic violence against him 3 years ago then he said "but its my fault I should of walked away in Texas".Texas is where we lived when we first got married.When he says stuff like this to me I don't know what to say back to him because I don't want to fule the fire per say especially when he's drinking and it's hurtful to me that he can even think of these things. I don't know what he's doing now or thinking but this has been going on now for the past 2 weeks.He'll just come out and say hurtful things.I don't let him know or show it but it makes me think and wonder what he's up to now and I hate it.So when he comes home after being gone 3-4 days he's going to be drinking and chatting. How do I break him of this?He's totally addicted to this chat room.Three weeks ago just out of the blue he admitted it and told me he wouldn't stop.Now that we don't spend time together (together meaning in the same room)because he's working and doesn't come home but 2-3 days out of the week I thought he would spend more time with the kids and me but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen.As usual he's totally engrossed in his chat room.He'll be gone from Friday morning until Tuesday morning and I know when he comes home he'll spend more time chatting with his friends than spending time with me and the kids. It's just hurtful how he can just push us asaid or kick us to the curb whenever he feels like it the turn around and be loving.It doesn't make sence to me.I don't understand it....

Sorry to hear of your night last night,I know how much pain you are in.
I wish I had the magic answer for you.At this point all I can say is do what is best for you and the kids and pray he will come around and change.

I also do not understand how a person you have given all your love to can just seem to push you to the side when they feel they dont need you at the moment but when they need you they think they can just kiss and make up,like you I have lived that life for over27yrs.

My H is the same in the sense that he felt if we were in the same room at the same time that meant we were spending time together,you and I both know this is not true.When they are addicted to the computer like your H and mine even being in the same room with them they are some where else.

Best of luck,I will keep in touch w/you.
Sorry about the other night my phone went dead <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I will talk to you again real soon.

Just out of curiosity I checked my H profile on his IM and his marital status says "long term relationship"?????

Well H is still acting weired. Distant again. I guess in time I'll find out whats going on. I'm just going to continue being myself and not ask questions.I'm already trying to get ready for the worst.I do know that I can't fight for our marriage anymore. I'm already accepting the possibility of another A in the making or a rekindled one and I'm getting emotionally prepared for the blow again. My H will be gone until Tuesday, I can drive to the halfway house he's working at and drop things off for him but I only see him for a minute. I'm having trouble sleeping and eating again and I have to watch that. I don't want to get down to 119lbs. again. In away this time apart is good for me it gives me a break from him and the stress and his drinking. I know when he gets home Tuesday he'll be drinking and chatting all night though.So the little time we do have together he's drinking and chatting. I don't understand why we have ended up this way or why he's let himself do this.I have strived so hard to maintane our family, my job and my sanity and I'm constantly taking care of everything.My H is so engrossed in his chat room he doesn't even realize,see or hear anything. I feel helpless watching him, knowing there's nothing I can do to. I've been thinking of how to approch him just to talk to him about how I feel but I'm afraid it will back fire because he's so good at hearing what he wants to. I'm in a no win situation here and I don't know what to do.

I feel your pain and know your frustration.
Only you know what is best for you and your kids.

I know it is hard to imagine that they could throw our love aside for a computer but some how they can.

You are strong,smart and a loving person you deserve to be treated w/respect and love.

Try and hang in there,there is no easy answers right now.

But if I can make it alone anyone can.
Take care talk to you soon.

Thanks Gingersnap.

Well I'm feeling very discouraged right now. My H is setting up the chatroom at the house he works at so now he can chat with whoever whenever while he's there.It just makes things that much easier for him now.He can even tell when I'm on line now also because it slows the chat room down.He even called me to tell me.Day by day I'm loosing hope for us.This morning I was having trouble starting my truck,he didn't even come out to see what was wrong or if I needed any help.I came in the house to call work to tell them I would be late and he was chatting with two of the ladies in the room about an insident that happened the night before.I eventually got my truck started though.I wish he would treat me with the same respect I give him but he doesn't.I truely don't know what to do anymore?????It's like he'll say little things to give me hope and I hang on every word.I'm seeing within myself how easy it is to get wrapped up in the fog and right now I'm lost.Just within the past week he's changed again.He was spending time with me even if it was just watching a movie or program together and laughing and now he's back to chatting until he comes to bed. I can't continue to compete with these other people which he puts before me and our family.That's what's so sad, with me our children and him come first before anyone but with him he's showing me everyday how important I am in his life and I'm not.All his attention goes to them,he listens to their emotions,feelings,complaints their laughter then he turns to me and tells me he's ready for dinner at midnight after he's done drinking then he expects to fool around.One of my problems is I've never said no.Our whole entire marriage (20+ years) I've never said no.I've always been there.I'm really trying to be happy and strong but within me I'm devistated.I know I have alot to consider and think about.I relive the nightmare every time I wake up but I just don't know how to handle it anymore.

I think its time to not make his life so easy,after all yours isn't.
You do not have to be mean about it but it is time that you are not so available.

He can not keep hurting you this way,he is killing you slowly inside.
I know because that is what has happened to me,I am no longer the person I use to be and I miss her.I dont like the person I have become.
Each day tho that I am away from the hurt and pain a little bit of me comes back.

All I can do is send you this cyber hug and let you know you are in my thoughts daily and I am here to listen if you need to talk.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you Gingersnap.The only time H calls me now is to tell me he needs something and to bring it to him.He can't leave the house because it's a "lockdown" and he usually has 4-8 kids there ages 11-18.He took his lap top over there yesturday and he new I was on line so that shows me that he has internet access so I'm sure he's chatting also.I have to take a 25'phone cord and a split phone jack to him today.Probably so he can chat in his room when the kids have to go to bed.I was just hopeing that this job would help him break away from it all so he could focus on his family but I guess not.If there's a will there's a way and he always finds a way to do things especially when he wants something.I can't call him very much because he told me he has the house(work) phone going to his cell phone and he doesn't talk to me very long when and if he calls me.Amazing after all he does have call waiting.This to me eventhough he is working now is going to be hurtful for our relationship.I'm just afraid of the past and what he's done to me and the kids and how he changed so fast.He's very good at being "normal"then an hour later dropping the bomb.Am I paranoid? yes.I just don't know what to expect now and I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst again.

Well H should be coming home today. I know what to expect.He'll be drinking by the time I get home.Don't get me wrong I don't mind if he drinks a little but before he got this job it was 3-4 times a week and I'm talking Jack Danials here.So tonight I'm expecting him to have his music on and to be drinking when I get home (@3pm)and chatting.How much do you want to bet.I'm hoping now though that he's working he'll slow down on the booz,it worries me.I wish I felt more secure with him but I doubt that that's going to come back now.Things that he says and does gives me doubt about us.
Now not only am I dealing with my H but my 16 year old daughter told me she could be pregnant,she's smoking and wants to drop out of school and wants to go to an alternative school. She just told me all this last night.
I can't do this anymore

I am so sorry to hear this,seems when it rains it pours at least at my house thats how it is.

Pregnant at 16 is a tuff one,I did that and this is not the life she needs it is a hard one.As for the alternative school that might not be all that bad,my 16yr old is going to an alternative HS and she is planning on graduating either half a yr to a whole yr early and being able to start college sooner.

Teen age yrs are the hardest I'm on my 4th and last one and there are days I dont think that I will make it.Between the kids the H and just life in general it seems we never get a break.

I will check in with you this week.If you need to talk just email me with a good time and I will call you.
Take care.