Hi eloquent,

Like dreamcatcher I too have had problems becoming addicted to chat and to online men in particular. I was fascinated by a few of them and got involved, felt I was in love, the whole nine yards. I loved the fantasy and all the attention..It was truly an addiction and a horrible one lasting years. I felt so caught up in it and had such a hard time stopping but I finally did it...after I hurt my husband and almost destroyed my marriage. Today we are doing very well, he's happy and I am so relieved I was able to stop wasting my life and destroying my marriage because of this addiction.

I see you as taking this far too long.. How can you continue on this way? I have read alot of this thread and just want to ask you how much longer you can watch him flirting and playing in chat all the while ignoring you and your kids?? What if you refused him when he wanted sex? What if you said no for a change? What if you told him you were going to leave or boot him out if he didnt stop drinking and talking to all these OW? Have you talked to an attorney about separation and what that entails? I dont know how you can continue on knowing all he cares about is his chat rooms friends.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and just wonder if you changed your approach maybe it would make a difference. Isnt it worth a try? You deserve so much more.

I wish you the best
Lmh

Well thank you.I really appriciate you support with my mess. I'm having another problem though with myself. I'm having anxiety attacks now and I don't know what to do about them.They just come on out of now where.For instance I'll be driving and I'll just start shaking and sweating and my heart will be pounding.I'm usually not like this and I hate it.I just want to go to sleep.My H doesn't know, I'm afraid to talk to him about it because it may lead into other things and it may push him away.Since I had that heart problem I haven't been the same.I'm afraid it may happen again eventhough the doctors told me it wouldn't be a problem and that I shouldn't have any more episodes since I had the ablasion done.My boss tells me what I'm dealing with is considered "near death syndrom".I just want the anxiety attacks to go away.This is a horrible feeling.I don't know what triggers them.I'm constantly thinking of my whole situation with H and D.I think the stress is just finally showing it's self.

Any word on the situation w/your D?? Is she PG??

And yes the stress is horrible and what it does to our body's.It is worse when you can not share what is going on in your life and body with your own spouse,just does not seem right.

Hang in there sweetie you are an amazing woman but please try and start thinking of you and how you feel a little and a little less on how he feels.OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I've been through the panic attack thing myself in the past. What helped me get past them is to tell myself that it's just a reaction and it will pass. It's only temporary. Just try to relax yourself and take some deep breaths.

Hello everyone! Thank you for your advice.I've had a pretty calm day today.A friend of mine invited me out to dinner and I thought it was just going to be me and her but she had a surprize up her sleeve it was her family and a friend of ours who I haven't seen in 10 years was there also with her family.It was so nice to see her again.What a nice surprize.We've all known each other since we were in 7th grade so it was nice to sit and reminise for awhile.I didn't talk about my H and my situation. I wanted to keep the conversation pleasant.So I just listened and appeared happy.It was truely a nice evening which I haven't had in along time.
The more and more I look at my H I realize how distant he is from me and how alone I'm used to being eventhough he's in the same room.It's funny how he'll ask if I've heard anything from my lawyer about my settlement but he never asks me how I am and my injury.I do alot of loving things to him and for him.I show him alot of consideration,affection every night I stroke his back until he goes to sleep,I give him leg,foot and back massages.This is just to name a few but mostly I listen when he talks to me.I'm seeing that he doesn't do any of this for me.If he touches me there's no compasion behind it.It's never been this way or maybe I was just in a fog.He doesn't do the little things that I do which I think are so important.He never cooks dinner or help around the house at all.My daughter came in our bedroom last night and she asked me to fix the shower in her bathroom (it wasn't spraying right).She didn't ask my H, he didn't move a muscle to see what was wrong anyway.So I fixed it.H came home Tuesday from work(he'd been gone for four days Friday morning through Tuesday morning)by the time I got home from work he was already drinking which I don't mind every now and then after all when he get home it's like his weekend.So he got drunk Tuesday and chatted most of the evening until 11pm then came to bed.We fooled around as usual then went to sleep.Wednesday he chatted all day until he came to bed.Thursday when I got home I was hoping for a nice eveing knowing he'd be gone for four days,he was drinking and chatting all evening until he came to bed.He didn't spend time with me at all.The only time he came out of the bedroom was to get a refill and complain about something.He doesn't spend time with the kids either but they are so used to it they come to me for everything and don't even ask him anymore.So I'm realizing how important I am or we are to him and how are time together doesn't mean a thing.If it were me I'd be spending quality time with him and our children.He doesn't even help them with their home work so I'm cooking dinner trying to help all three with homework at the same time so they can go out and play.Then when he's done drinking he'll want his dinner.I know he wasn't like this when we were separated. It's like he's delibratly making our life misrible.When I got home yesturday from work I went into the bedroom to kiss him hello and while I was, his computer dinged and he said oh I have to get back to this and truned away from me.How insignificant I've become.
What's brought all this on tonight is I just lost a dear friend she was only 34 with 3 children.She died a few days ago from an anurizm which we didn't know about,she fell asleep and never woke up.I went to her momorial this evening after I cut my dinner date short.She was ingaged to a wonderful man.They met on the internet and she was in an abusive relationship with her husband.After they got to know each other over time he flew out to CA and brought her back here.At that time she weight 350lbs + he didn't care.He brought her and her 3 children here to have a better life.She lost all the weight and had surgery to remove excess skin.He stood behind her all the way.She had other surgeries for this and that and every time he would bring her roses and be with her when he could.He opened a tanning salon for her which was one or her dreams,to have her own buisness.She was so happy and loved.Then a few nights ago he lost her.No indication there was something wrong, nothing.He woke up beside her and she wasn't breathing.It was too late.To see him tonight and to know the pain he's going through made me look at my life differently and all evening that's all I've been thinking about.How different my life could be.I listened to my friends tell stories about their H and how fortunate they are to share that with them.I look at a broken heart who lost his soul mate and true love and I look at my H and how he takes everything for granted.I look at myself and I'm alone.Lately even when I talk to my H on the phone he say "ya ya get on with it"like he doesn't want to hear anything else but the facts irrigaurdless of what I'm talking about.I know if anything were to happen to me my H wouldn't be there to help me.That's a horrible feeling.He wouldn't even help his own mother (who has to wear oxygen) with her cooler.I drove to her house and got on her roof and took the motor out so she could get it fixed.Then he was mad at me when I got home.He wouldn't help his sister replace her battery in her car when she called. I talked to her on the phone and explained how to do it.Her car didn't blow up so I guess she did it right. Tonight was a real eye opener for me.Where was my H???? chatting,he can even do it at work now.How sad.His children are changing and growing around him and all he does is complain about things.My H got tickets to go to a concert tomorrow night (he got 8 hours off so he could go,then he goes back to work when we get back)I don't even want to go.I don't want to creat more memories for myself when I know it doesn't mean a thing to him.I don't think he'll drink since he has to go straight to work after which will be a good thing.I'm just not looking forward to it.Well it's been a long day for me. I'm sorry this is so long.Thank you for all your help.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend I remember you telling me about her and her happiness,trying to show me that there could be someone out there for me and that I could find happiness.

I can feel your sadness in your post,the sad thing is I can relate to all you wrote and the lonliness even tho you live in the same house.That was me.

I dont know why they do not put more into thier families,I remember telling my H one day"Guess what the kids grew up and you missed it all" and that is literally what happened.Our youngest is 16 and he never once went on a vacation w/her.My 23yr old tells me she has no memories w/her dad in them.It is all so sad.

There has to be more right?? There has to be love and happiness somewhere right??
Problem is I dont know where to look,and like you have spent so many yrs trying to get it from the my H that now I am worn out and tired,as I am sure you are.

Keep your chin up,he is the one missing out,he is the one that will be loosing.

Thank you!
I know I have alot to think about.I'm just starting to look at things in a different perspective now.I went over to the house my H is working at this morning and he actually took me inside.It's pretty nice.Of corse he has his laptop right in the living room next to the couch so he can watch it and chat when ever he gets a chance.He said he wanted me to help him make tuna salad for the kids.I ended up making it myself while he sat on the couch then went outside to smoke a cig. Go figure.I didn't hang around long when I was done I said gotta go and left.I honestly don't think we're going to make it.Not on our present path anyway.I've made changes within myself but all I see him doing is chatting and not being there for me but he can spend hours trying to settle a dispute between two of his friends in the chat room.I don't understand this and I don't want to try anymore.I don't know what direction I'm going in right now but I know I'm not happy.It's like I'm living a lie and I don't know this person I'm living with anymore.I'm not affraid of loosing my H anymore.That's already happened it seems.When he looks at me it's like he doesn't see me,when he talks to me it's all about him or his chat room.When he touches me it's just habbit.I don't know what to do anymore with our relationship and I don't want to fight for it anymore.I shouldn't have to.I think I'm finally letting go within my heart.It doesn't matter what I've done for him or what I do.He was still able to persue an A in July(which didn't work out after he met her face to face).So while I'm rubbing his back, doing his laundry,staying up late making his dinner and being there for him the whole time he was persueing someone else and making plans to meet her,then he can turn to me and say I love you.How can people do this and still look at themselves in the mirror?I don't know

I can sure relate to all you just said.
My H tells me that he wil try harder than ever to prove to me how much he loves me,that he does not want to loose me yet he does not have the time to call me,when he does call it is always right before he is going to do something so he knows he wont have to talk long.I am tired of being the after thought,the last on the list.
I want to be first.

Like you I am slowly realizing that we will never get back together it is strange to think really.All these yrs,all I did for him,learinging how to cook all the foods he loved,most men when they get married just adjust to thier wives cooking not my H he had me sit in his mothers kitchen so she could teach me how to cook all the foods he loved.And I did it.

How can they throw away moments like that,the things we were willing to do just to please them make them feel important,loved and needed.
I wish I could understand all of this also.

I know I never will,its probably time to stop trying to understand it.

It's kinda like what have I been doing with my life the past 20+years and why.So my H could have affairs while I support the family and take care of everything.That's what it's come down to.After all we've been through are lies and deceat all I'm worth to him.That's what I don't get.It's like he doesn't have regrets or remorse about what he's done and that's hard for me.I want to talk about "why" but he never has.Within the past three years so much has happened to me it's not even funny,but he doesn't see it.I guess what I'm left with is living like this or moving on with my life.I choose the latter.I want to move on and grow and see and learn new things but most of all I want someone to love me. I can't see staying in a faulse, pretend relationship.I just wish my H had the nerve to tell me but that would mean he would have to move and fend for himself.Before that would happen he would already have someone else lined up.I still haven't asked him about the RnV..." at the top of his chat room.I still want to know what it means.My H's name in the chat room is Rock and when he was with Ohio it used to say RocknVenus.That's why I'm suspicious.I didn't go to the concert,H went with his sister and boyfriend.I just didn't want to be around H if he was going to drink and act like an A&^ which he does when we go out anywhere now.That's something new.I just feel uncomfortable with him when we go out and he drinks.It's like he looks for trouble or a fight.I don't know why. Very seldom do we get the chance or have the money to do anything together so when we do it's special to me until he starts acting weired.Anyway thank you for being here. I have alot of thinking to do.

Well my H just lost his job.They got the results of his back ground check and because of the domestic violence charges they can't allow him to work there anymore.So I don't know what to expect when I get home.He seemed fine on the phone when he was telling me about it but I'm sure it'll brew for awhile.As far as getting any kind of government job or whatever he's screwed.So I don't know what he's going to do.He said he had been looking in the paper already for a different job because he didn't like being away from the house and "you guys" as he put it.So we'll see what happens.Here we go again.

Well everything went ok.I got home and H didn't drink he wasn't feeling too well (we've all had a terrible cold)but he was well enough to chat to "tabby" most of the evening.She lives in Australia.It bothers me that he wont give me his time, example same night, I was taking a bath and he came in to use the bathroom.He was talking about his chat room and friends then I started talking about my friend from AZ and he cut me off and said "not now babe ok" and walked out and went right back to chatting with "tabby". This happens alot. This is hard for me because when he wants to talk he has my full attention and he can't give me the time of day sometimes.Yesturday he was very distant, he couldn't even look at me and even when he did it was like he was looking right past me.I prefer eye contact myself when I talk to someone.He just seems strange again.I'll just have to see what happens.I'll continue to be supportive and encouraging towards him about his job situation but most of all I'll try to be patient. Thank you for your time and supportive replies they mean so much to me...

Boy do I know that feeling,when my H talks to me with excitment about his websites I listen,but the other day when he was here visiting I was talking to him about my job and some stuff that happened and he did not even respond,it really hurts makes you feel like why did I just waist my breathe.

I dont know how you do it but you are so strong.I dont know if I could keep putting up w/the chatting w/other women.

Well what do we do but hope and pray for a change in our H's.

Hope you feel better soon.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello everyone
Well H called me this morning witch turnned into an interesting conversation just from a comment he made.He was talking about fixing the house and how he wanted to switch our daughters rooms around.Then he said "if I was a single guy with the girls their rooms wouldn't look the way they do""don't get me wrong but if I had it my way things would be different"then he started telling me what he wants to fix in the house. I said "you know you live there too,I'm tired of doing everything,I see you chatting and it's like your not even there and I'm left to deal with everything and I'm tired".It was a nice conversation and I got my point across and said what I wanted to say, we weren't yelling or arguing we were talking so this weekend he wants to change the kidses bedrooms around.He made a comment about painting one of the rooms to get rid of the peptobismol pink walls.I had to remind him that I painted the room a light baby blue a year ago.It just kinda shows me how out of touch he's been.So we'll see.He was talking about fixing this and that and what we need to do to the house next year.He must just be having a moment.This is not like him but I'll believe it when I see him motivate and help me.Even if he helps me fix a few things it would be great.Well I hope you all have a nice weekend.Thank you for your time......

Hello everyone
Well H called me this morning witch turnned into an interesting conversation just from a comment he made.He was talking about fixing the house and how he wanted to switch our daughters rooms around.Then he said "if I was a single guy with the girls their rooms wouldn't look the way they do""don't get me wrong but if I had it my way things would be different"then he started telling me what he wants to fix in the house. I said "you know you live there too,I'm tired of doing everything,I see you chatting and it's like your not even there and I'm left to deal with everything and I'm tired".It was a nice conversation and I got my point across and said what I wanted to say, we weren't yelling or arguing we were talking so this weekend he wants to change the kidses bedrooms around.He made a comment about painting one of the rooms to get rid of the peptobismol pink walls.I had to remind him that I painted the room a light baby blue a year ago.It just kinda shows me how out of touch he's been.So we'll see.He was talking about fixing this and that and what we need to do to the house next year.He must just be having a moment.This is not like him but I'll believe it when I see him motivate and help me.Even if he helps me fix a few things it would be great.Well I hope you all have a nice weekend.Thank you for your time......

Well I don't know whats going on now but H is being extremely nice all of a sudden.He actually paid some attention to the kids this weekend. He's being very loving and he actually spent some time with me this weekend.He's been telling me more about the people in his chat room.If he's "PMing" someone he tells me who it is and what theyare talking about.That's something new.I never ask and I act like it doesn't bother me.If I were to question him he'd get defensive so I try to control how it makes me feel.I've really had to work on myself since this whole mess started and I've come along way. If my H were to get involved again with anyone I know in my heart I would be able to completely let go now.It's taken me along time to come to this but I know what I don't want to live with anymore.So if I get any evidence that he's starting another internet affair we're done.In the mean time I will continue to stay out of the fog and keep my eyes and ears open.He has shown me in the past how fast things change with him.I could go home today and he could be a totally different person than who he was this weekend.So yes I'm still on my guard but I don't let it show.I've already learned to live without him.I've had to accept him being with OW so the damage has already been done.The problem I see for H if he does start another A. He's never been without me, he's always known I would be there,he's never had to deal with OM or anything like what he's put me through.All I know is this is the last time around with him for me......Thank you for being here

Glad to hear it was a good weekend you needed that.
Mine was not good at all.

Oh well its a new week maybe something will change for both of us soon.

Take care.

Thanks Gingersnap
Well H started a new job today.Thank goodness but the dealership wouldn't work with me on my truck so it's gone.So when H goes to work he has to drop me off first and pick me up when he gets off.I'm really concerned now about this OW he's chatting with.First thing this morning he was on there in a PM with her.He's been talking with her now for the past week. I don't know if she knows about me or not.I know this is wrong but I wish there was a way to get into his msn chat.I just want to know whats going on now.My H is very good at hidding things but acting normal towards me.And yes I admit it bothers me to see him call her babe.I'm really trying to stay focused and it's hard.I haven't asked him about her except her age 21-23 he said.I guess all I can do is keep a watch out.....

Ok first of all that is way to young for him to be chatting with.I have a D that age and would not want her involved w/a 40yr old man.

Second did I miss something??? What happened with your truck I dont remeber you saying anything about it.

Third,I'm glad he got a new job so fast,what is he doing?? Can you say on the forum if not email me and let me know.

I wish I could stay as focused as you.I have totally lost it over the last few days w/my H.
He wants absolutly no more A talk.I dont know if I can do that,after all since I moved out and then found her # in his wallet it has made everyting fresh and new to me.
I am trying tho to take it one day at a time and so far today when I have talked to him I have said nothing of the A.I know he will be happy,me I will learn to settle again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hello everyone
Today is hard for me for some reason. I've been having nightmares for the past three nights now.Same sinerio, H is flerting with OW except she's like in another room but I see her and watch them but it's like they don't see me and I'm in the background cleaning the house or whatever.Not a very nice dream.
What I meant by my truck is I didn't have enough money to pay the insurance and the payment so I had to give it back to the dealer.So now if my H can't take me to work I have to take two buses to get me to work and since they changed their route I walk about 2-3 miles to the bus stop in the morning then walk home at night.So this is going to continue until I can get another car but I had to pay bills and the house payment.I'd rather have my house to live in than my truck.I'm hoping something good will happen for me soon.I can't depend on my H for anything.He doesn't support me in anyway.He always comes first.When he has money he'll go shopping for himself first and get whatever.When he gives me money for anything he always tells me "that's all I have".Then the next day he's able to eat out or buy something.I'm not used to asking him for money or anything else for that matter just because he's been unemployed for so long.I truely hope this job works out for him.Now he's on this kick about how he has to start eating better foods and watching what he eats, he's on this diet thing again just like before.
This morning he burnned a CD for me. This OW in Australia sent him some music from a group he likes.I told him to tell her thank you for me while he was chatting this morning. He didn't say anything back to me so I don't think he did. I expected to hear "she says your welcome" or something like that.Something tells me she doesn't know about me. I'm just getting some red flags here and I don't like it. Well gotta go.Thank you for being here.

Good morning everyone!
Well its confirmed. My 17yr old D is pregnant.She hasn't told my H yet and she doesn't want to.Yesturday my H picked me up from work,he seemed distant again,no smiles,direct tone of voice.He asked me if I had talked to the kids and I had mentioned that our 17 yr old went to a friends house and would be home by 6pm. He just shook his head and said,"I need to take a trip,these kids stress me out, lets see where can I go".So last night wasn't a good night to tell him.He was very short tempered with all of us.So I couldn't tell him about the pregnancy.I know there's never going to be a good time.To tell you the truth I'm expecting him to pack his bags and leave.This would be the only excuse he has.I hate it when he makes comments like he did because in the past he's done that but he tells me what he's doing in an indirect way.So is he talking with someone and planning a trip now.Is that why his attitude has changed with me again.Everything seems fine and then he'll start with his little comments like "I need to take a trip", and all my hope,rebuilt trust goes out the window.It's like little threts or hints and it sets me back big time.I do realize though that there's nothing I can do.If he doesn't love me or if he's not in love with me then he should move on.I've just always thought we had a special bond,I guess I was wrong.I do know this though he will be walking away from unconditional true love. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />