I'm wondering if any of you have dealt with<BR>this...I am new to the boards so forgive me<BR>if this topic has already been talked about.<P>My husband has been home for three months -<BR>(after a torrid year long affair) and as far as I can tell there has been<BR>no further contact with the OW. My problem<BR>now, is that there is also no contact with<BR>me. Not only can he not get physically<BR>aroused by me - he has no interest in sex<BR>whatsoever.<P>This is pretty shocking since we had quite<BR>a sex life - prior to and during the affair.<BR>And his affair with the OW, who was<BR>20 years younger was very sexual. <P>I know he still dwells on the OW - bc I <BR>walked in on him the other day looking at a<BR>picture of them together last Christmas. I<BR>really blew up - and he ripped up the picture and threw it out for me. I know his<BR>heart and now his body are really some place<BR>else. Do I just wait this out. Or is it pretty hopeless. <BR>I feel like he is being true to her and<BR>purposely driving me away. And it is working<BR>my love bank is empty. What should I do -<BR>is it time to give up? He openly admits that<BR>he still thinks about her and he also <BR>openly admits that he dwells on their<BR>sex life. <BR>This truly feels like the final humilation.<P>

This is my 1st post. Will be watching your question. Back in 1996, I accused my wife of having an affair. We seperated then got back together. Some things improved until early 1998, but sexual intimancy never returned. Since 1998 thing have gone down hill and I recently left the home at her request. One day my write a post of my own. I have read Love Busters and Surviving an affair. My belief is my wife is assamed of her affair and this is blocking her for intimancy with me. Nothing in your post indicated and counseling. Sounds like a third party could help. <P>I wish you the best of luck in understanding, We both wish communication would be honest and open.

We have not had any counseling bc he<BR>doesn't believe in that. So I keep reading<BR>and trying to bring things to the table.<BR>I pretty much think things will dissolve <BR>now - bc without any intimacy resentments<BR>will build etc. <BR>I don't believe he is too ashamed of the<BR>affair - he just had one heck of a great<BR>time and I believe doesn't want to let go<BR>of the memories. He continually says he<BR>is trying. I don't believe he is - I see<BR>him working very hard to hold onto the memories. He says he made his decision to<BR>stay in the marriage but I think he just<BR>didn't have the guts to leave the marriage for her. Maybe he is lamenting that now.

I really don't know how to comment on why he isn't being intimate. Have you initiated anything indicating your desire for him intimately? However, I just wanted to remind you that " HE CHOSE YOU ! " He didn't choose her. And why he chose you had to be love. You see I just don't think true love dies. I think it can be hidden under alot of pain and hurt, but it doesn't go away. My only suggestion is to give it time and try to rekindle the romance that you guys have lost. I's not that it's gone, you just have to find it again. Try to take him back to the time you both first fell in love. I really don't like to use the phrase " fell in love" because I believe two people grow in love. And to grow you need to nuture the marriage. And if he doesn't want a third party (counselor) involved, bring in one that he can't see-- The Almighty God!! For He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we are able to imagine. Your marriage can be restored-Don't give up!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."

My H has been doing the same thing.<BR>Real odd since when we first reconciled we were quite active now it has gone to maybe 2 a month. He only had a 2 week affair and says he cared nothing for her and the sex was nothing at all. SO it does not make sense. I don't get it at all and he knows it upsets me but still does nothing. WHO KNOWS<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

My problem is that his affair meant a lot to<BR>him and he does still want to be with her. So actually how are things better. He is really not doing me any favors being in this marriage and withholding from me. I just want him to be honest and if he doesn't have the guts to end it-- why torment me and force me to go away. I really don't need that I've already been through hell and there is nothing left in me to keep going. In fact, he said to me that if I knew the truth and the secrets that he harbors he is afraid he would lose me. So, how can one person make a marriage work when the other one is harboring secrets?<BR>

Mindy,<BR>All I can tell you is that hopefully you will have or will read all the relevant articles on this website about withdrawal, and marital recovery. Even though he came back you both need to approach it the Harley way thru withdrawal and recovery, and by the way the betrayer will think of the OP sometimes , but it's how you both deal with it. Keep reading and keep working on your marriage. Yes, I do believe one person can help the other one get the love back. It's a big step that he came back home, and he may still need more time in withdrawal. Hopefully the MB Master (NSR) will post his excellent response the MB way.

Mindy,<P>Does H still have contact w/OW?<P>Could he still be in withdrawl?<P>Have you read 'Divorce Busting'?<BR>I highly recomend it.<P>Are you in counceling?<BR>Steve Harley comes highly recomended. You can find him on this web-site.<P>Hang in there and keep depositing those love units in his bank.<P>He did choose you.<P>Praying for you,<P>Bill<P>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Just a thought...Is it possible that your H may be so overwhelmed by shame that he can't feel intimate with you? Maybe he feels he's not worthy of you. Even if he does have thoughts about the OW, it may be because he hasn't betrayed her like he betrayed you and is fantasizing about being with someone he doesn't feel so insecure, vulnerable, and ashamed with. When I was still married, I too had a hard time being intimate after my confession. Not because *I* was thinking about the OM, but because I knew my ex-H was. Even now that I'm divorced, I can't bring myself to go out on a date because I truly believe in my heart that no good man (i.e. one who was worth being intimate with) who knew my secrets would want me. My ex didn't exactly help in that respect either. He told me quite often that I was now damaged goods, a slut, you name it. Do you treat your H like that?

Just a thought...Is it possible that your H may be so overwhelmed by shame that he can't feel intimate with you? Maybe he feels he's not worthy of you. Even if he does have thoughts about the OW, it may be because he hasn't betrayed her like he betrayed you and is fantasizing about being with someone he doesn't feel so insecure, vulnerable, and ashamed with. When I was still married, I too had a hard time being intimate after my confession. Not because *I* was thinking about the OM, but because I knew my ex-H was. Even now that I'm divorced, I can't bring myself to go out on a date because I truly believe in my heart that no good man (i.e. one who was worth being intimate with) who knew my secrets would want me. My ex didn't exactly help in that respect either. He told me quite often that I was now damaged goods, a slut, you name it. Do you treat your H like that?

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks to all of you for responding - it<BR>helps so much to actually have others to talk to about this. I didn't really think he could be ashamed but maybe so- I will gently try to explore that with him--if I can delicately. But as far as being sexually inhibited I'm not. I am very free sexually, and am open to new things and enjoyed our sex life very much.<BR>I can't help but lean toward thinking he is unable to enjoy sex now bc of withdrawal - if it was a year long affair is withdrawal suppose to be 6 months. So, maybe in two months things will be better. I am doing much better each day by controlling any old<BR>love busting habits. <BR>Lastly, I will say that it is very hard for me to be with someone whom I know wants to be with someone else. I have a very hard time reconciling myself to that and feeling second best.<BR>Merry Christmas to all and thanks for being there.

Mindy, keep in mind that the betrayeds don't read the MB books! Sometimes the process is longer, slower, or has twists and turns. <P>Two weeks ago we were very tentative about our future, then something our counselor said "clicked" with my h. <P>For us it was 14 month affair that has been over for eight months. I expect that the difficulty will continue at least until he has been "back" with me for 14 months...<P>Sex is still hit or miss, but the trying to get it right is fun!<P>Liz\Pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

MindyS,<P>The rule of thumb that I have seen around here is that the withdrawl lasts about the length of the affair. If it is half, in your case it is 6 months. Maybe less or more. <P>One thing though! I believe you are misinterpreting your H's behavior. If he really wanted to be elsewhere he would be. He has already demonstrated that. So he wants to be with you. I believe The Student is probably correct, he is ashamed of what he has done or he would be able to tell you about his secrets. He doesn't realize that you are probably imagining the worst already.<P>The lack of sex drive is probably due to shame, guilt, and the resulting depression caused by what he has done. If depression is good for anything it is removing the old sex drive . You might want to suggest he get checked out by a Dr. and perhaps anti-depressants. He probably won't want to get them (What me Worry?) but it is worth a try. <P>Finally, 3 months is not really long if the experiences of those on this board are any indication. So have patience and understand one if nothing else. He is where he wants to be. He may not like his situation right now, but he wants to be with you.<P>Be kind, be in Plan A, but you don't have to let him run over you either. I suspect that things will start to come back.<P>God Bless You and Your H<P>JL

Dear Mindy,<P>I have done a lot of post reading today and I have come across the "my husband does not believe in counseling" mentality way too many times. My wish would be that more people would be open to help offered by "good" counselors. It is invaluable in certain cases.<P>My husband entered counseling after revealing his affair to me and I honestly believe that we wouldn't be in the good state of recovery now if he hadn't done so. Counseling provoked so much inner thought in my husband that he surprised himself at what he learned about his own needs, emotions and actions. It even took him time to understand why he had the affair. You would think that most people just "know" why they are getting involved in an affair, but sometimes it is just not that way. <P><BR>My husband had an affair with a woman/child that was 26 years his junior (OW-19) On my best day my 39 year old self could not compete physically with this young (very sexy) thing. I often wonder how that affects our sex life now. But, Like the others have said, "your husband chose you" and there are reasons he did so. Be supportive of him. I think that he feels lousy about himself right now and this has, unfortunately, effected your sex life. Give him a little more time and a lot more understanding. Don't try to interpret what his mood swings mean, just try to communicate what they mean to you.<P>Good luck with everything.<P>Meg

Thank you all so much for responding. You have given me the boost I needed to hang in there and try to be more understanding. I am such a love buster and need to get in the habit of doing my love busting on this forum where I can air my insecurities and learn to give him a lot more credit for trying than I really do now. Thanks to you all.<BR>