My husband cheated at least twice that I know of before we got married. We worked past that and things seemed to get so much better between us. I thought he had told me everything and that there was nothing left to find out.

Our marriage is great. He makes me happy. He's trying his hardest to gain my trust. He doesn't leave the house alone but for work, calls and emails from work, calls me on his way home from work. I always tell him that he doesn't need to go to that kind of extremes but he says that he feels he does to show me how hard he's trying at this marriage and how much he loves me. He said that he knows he won't have to do it forever but he's willing to if thats what it takes.

Oh yeah, in one of those "relationships" he had a child with the woman. He's chosen not to have contact with her or the baby. She hasn't tried to contact him nor has she made trouble for us.

Some days seems to go good. I look at him and feel so much love for him. I realize what a good man he is now. Then other days, I'll be so angry at him for what he did to me.

The past month people who aren't friends of either of us seem to think that they think I need to know more. I keep hearing about more women. Now, theres a rumor going around that he's gotten another girl pregnant. I never know who these "friends" are. The either email his email address (which he lets me check) or call the house.

He tells me that none of it's true. He thinks it's the 1st woman he cheated with starting things. He said (now he tells me) that he got numerous emails from her at work when we first got married but that he didn't read them..just deleted them. He claims he's been faithful to me since we got married. That he loves me and wouldn't hurt me again. He says that he saw how much hurt he caused me and never wants to do that again. It's hard not to believe the lies. Part of me wants to believe them and the other part of me wants so hard to believe him.

Has anyone else ever had anything like this happen to them? How did you handle it? I finally blocked all emails to only people in our list can email. I put a anonymous call block on my phone so the name HAS to show up. I'm trying to make steps to stop this cycle.

Is that the right thing to do? I don't want untruths to unravel my marriage but then again .. I don't want to be the stupid blind wife that was told something and never believed it then to come find out it was all true.

Please someone help me. I so need advice on how to get over this. I need to know how to move on. How to start living my life without questioning everything he says and does. I want to feel sane again.

I would say for now to ignore the comments...he's giving you full access to his day (life). I know it's hard and I'm also having a hard time trusting and not snooping, but if you can account for his time then it just doesn't seem that he's hiding anything....Of course if you still have that gut feeling then i would do a little detective work....make sure there are no e-mail accounts or cell phones that you didn't know of...hang in there!!!

Nope, there are no other cell phones. He has his own but always has a hard time remembering to take it with him and it's never had anything on there that looked suspicious. I've checked.

I have access to all our credit cards and our checking accounts so I can always see where the money is going.

I just recieved another IM through my NEW screen name (which lets me to believe that someone on MY buddy list is snitching me out) and she proceeded to tell me that he's not only fathered that one child but also 4 others in a years time! Now it's all becoming quite unbelievable because wouldn't you think one of those 4 would have contacted him about some sort of child support? Anyways, this time..I copied the IM chat and sent it along with my formal complaint to the AIM site. Hopefully that will help matters some.

Should I tell him about this last IM or just deal with it on my own? What do you guys think?

I also wanted to say how wonderful this site is. It's completely amazing. The stories are heartwrenching and some of them touch home alittle but it's so helpful. All of you that send advice out are complete ANGELS. It amazes me that people who have problems of their own are willing to help out others with problems.

Thanks so much for all the posts and I wish each and every one of you success and happiness and love in your life.

Eden 2,
First, Welcome! As always sorry for the Circumstances which lead you here, but glad you found your way here in your time of need. Please be sure to read here, then if you can, read the Harley's books, and then do your best to follow the principles outlined in them. When done consistently, they can really work.

As far as your question goes: I have one for you. Is there any way at all that you can VERIFY ANY of the implications made? It seems that if you could either Confirm or Refute 2-3 of them, then you would then KNOW for yourself if these "charges" are really true OR just made up by persons wanting to hurt one or both of you. Seems you need to know one way or the other, both for your marriage and for your sanity.

I realize that right now things seem to be going well for you and your H. Indeed, since they are better now, you are Very hesitant to do Anything that may upset that apple cart. Very Understandable! However, I do caution you. If your gut is telling you that it even "Might" be possible, YOU need to do whatever you can to find out.

If your H IS continuing to Do things behind your back you deserve to know. You''ve been on that ride before. I strongly suspect you don't want to a return trip.

Even if it may feel like it, please realize that I am not accusing you H of anything. I'm not there, so I just don't know. Unfortunately, at this point, neither do YOU.

However, it is another area that I want you to consider. It is YOUR emotional and mental health (long term) to this mysterious information. IF you do NOT investigate this information NOW, it is going to eat away at your trust (of both your H and yourself). You'll constantly be wondering "Is he or isn't he?" & "Did he or didn't he"? In addition, you'll begin to doubt and mistrust yourself, thinking "Am I letting this happen all over again?" Because this info. is already out there and in your mind, it will tend to poison you and make you see "other things" that may not even be there. Bottom line is that if you don't get some closure on these accusations it will make your recovery that much more difficult. So if you can get rid of some obstacles to your Recovery (because you already know about them) why wouldn't you do it?

Although from what little I read it does seem like this could all just be a hoax, it seems that it would benefit both YOU and your M if you could just find out one way or another. If these things are true you need to know so that you can make decisions for your life based on accurate information. However, if they are NOT true then you will have the "Peace of Mind" of knowing the truth. And after the up's and down's of handling infidelity "peace of mind" is priceless.

So please take a couple of the tidbits you've been told about and do your best to really see if they are Truth or Lies. Whichever way it turns out, YOU'LL be better off Knowing. (I'm hoping that its lies...........But YOU NEED to know which it is). Please don't put your head in the sand. You may have done that the first time around, and I doubt that worked for you in the long run.

Also, remember that IF your H is back in an A, that he will not be telling you the truth. In addition, its most likely that he HAS NOT come clean with all his "dirt" from his past A's. Very few WS tell everything (cause they don't want to look bad, they don't want to hurt their BS, and on and on.) Its sad but its true.

Hey, perhaps your H hasn't or isn't doing anything. That would be great. But if you don't find out for sure, its going to cause a lot of problems in your M ....at some point. So please do yourself a favor and get the answers you need NOW. You'll sleep better and stay "saner" knowing one way or the other.

Just imagine the "freedom" that will come following proving these charges false. Or the "opportunity" that will come from being able to tackle these real issues head on. (should they be true) Remember a "FAlSE" recovery is worse then no recovery at all.

Wishing you continued success in your M and recovery.

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

It might be that someone on your buddy list is trying to make trouble between you and H. If I had information on a friend's H, I would let her know and give my name.

Also it is HIGHLY improbable that he has fathered 4 kids and no one has sued him for support. That is usually the first thing they go after.