I am devastated. I just found out this forum and I thought to give it a try. I found out two months ago that my wife has been unfaithful and since then I have been emotionally and physically sick. The first week I did not leave the house and spent it in bed crying and not being able to sleep or eat.

I loved her so much, but I feel she has destroyed all that we had built in our 15 years of marriage. We started together in high school and while I went to college, we continued our relationship. I wanted to offer her my life and she was my motivation to succeed in life. We both come from a small farming community and she could not go to college because she had to help in her father's farm. Because I had to go out of state, we kept in touch by letters and phone calls. While going to college, she cheated on me with two different guys, but I thought she was the world to me and I wanted to give her a better life than she had. Nothing serious happened with those guys because we both were celibate until we married. We both attended the same church and we took an oath of celibacy in church as part of our training.
Last year she went to visit her parents and during that visit she met with one of those guys. It was the beginning of an affair that lasted until this past Christmas. On Valentine's day, she said there was something she needed to tell me because she felt bad. That was the day I found out. We have a daughter who is 11 and a son who is 8. I want to leave the house, but I love my children too much to get away from them. My wife has been a stay-at-home mom for her kids and has not worked in many years because we live comfortably with my income. I am really lost and feel live a living dead. I am numb and I cannot concentrate on anything. I have constant visions of her with the other man and recurring nightmares of her with other men. Is this normal or am I going crazy? What can I do? She says that she is sorry, but I do not believe anything she says now. Help!

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 12:16 PM: Message edited by: LivingDead ]</small>

LivingDead,
I understand how you are feeling. My H of 15 years met up with old girlfriend (from 25 years ago) last fall (she contacted him with an "apology" letter for what had happened 25 and 20 years ago and he responded - one thing led to another and BOOM here were are) and I discovered the relationship in Jan. My H is her "sure" thing - if things go badly in a marriage (she's on her second and both times she&#8217;s been unhappy she&#8217;s contacted him) she has had him to fall back to. Unfortunately, this time he was married with two kids (she had been out of his life for 20 years). My goal is to make sure that he&#8217;s not ever available to her again.

I was like you when I found out - completely devastated. It's been almost 3 1/2 months and I still have a hard time concentrating, eating, and sleeping.

The things that have helped our relationship move forward the most have come from my end. Here's what has worked for me:

First, if you really want this M to work then you have to be prepared to be deal with the pain and get control of your emotions. The best advice I got at the beginning was from my best friend the night I found out. She told me I had to decide what I wanted and if it's him I wanted, then I needed to be the one to "step outside of the marriage". She meant to be calm, understanding, and unemotional when we discussed the situation later that night. I did great and he ended the relationship with the OW the next day. Read Dr. Harley's advice (from what I've read) is very much the same - this prevents love busters, rehashing or reliving the A, and overemotional reactions.

Secondly, do NOT go back on this - EVER. I did very well at first and then lost it for awhile. This pushed him back to the memory of the "wonderful" OW and our recovery back to square one. Ten days ago we finally had a blow out when I realized how tempted he was to contact her. This time I kept my cool and listened - even though it hurt so much to hear him say the things that he did. I can see a change in him with each day now. He's read some of the information I obtained from the MB site and is trying to go forward. Be calm, cool, collected, understanding, and don&#8217;t sob and cry when you talk about making your M work with your WW. I have found being overemotional (crying, begging, demanding, etc.) takes you miles backward.

Don't get me wrong - every day is very difficult. The pain, worrying, and other feelings flow in at different times, but staying calm with emotions intact has worked the best for us. I&#8217;m not naïve to think that we may not regress at times, but right now I have the most hope for saving my M that I have had so far.

You can do these things for yourself and your marriage. You have far more strength than you can ever imagine &#8211; take this from someone who has been there.

LivingDead, I saw your post and had to say something because I can relate very much to your situation. It is really difficult and painful to feel betrayed in this manner. You may feel like you have been living a lie during those 15 years. I would suggest that you try to find other things to stay busy. Focus on your children and think about what would happen to them if you are not there. Your wife was very wrong to have done whatshe did, but your children do not deserve to be without their dad since they are innocent in the whole thing. How was your relationship with your wife before she had her fling? You talk about her not going to college because of her father's farm. Was that a decision that she made or that was made for her? What are her parents like? You said neither of you had been intimate with anyone before you married. Is that correct? Did she think that because there was no intimacy, those two affairs she had while you were in college were not important?

There is a lot of literature that you can read over to try to understand. Some of it is authored by Dr. Harley. Are you or your wife in counseling? You will get a lot of useful advice here. But, I strongly encourage you to look at your daughter and son as two precious gifts that need your care and attention.

LivingDead -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. This site will literally save you, and luckily you have found it early. I didn't find it until I had kicked my unfaithful husband out of the house. That was in July.

I was just like you. I couldn't eat or sleep, and went to work and sat and stared like a zombie. I didn't want to do anything and just sat around and cried for months.

But when I found this site, it gave me hope and comfort. Start in Plan A. You can read all about it in this forum under "General Welcom to All New Builders."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Barelytogether - Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I am sorting my feelings and emotions. I know I cannot make rational decisions in my current emotional state. But the fact that she betrayed me twice before we were married and now he went back and had an affair with one of those guys, has me thinking about her true feelings toward me. I know it will take time. Since she is very impulsive and emotional, I am afraid I may have to carry the burden of keeping the sanity at home. How long does it take to not feel so much pain? I feel like I am gasping for air and with a lot of pressure in my chest.

why-me - Thanks for your suggestions. I am already reading a book called Surviving an Affair. The decision for her to work at the farm was in large part her parents. They said they needed her help. My in laws are very possesive and controling. I dare to say they were abusive to her. Our relationship appeared normal before she had her affair. She has not told me much about why she did it what she thought at the time. About those relationships she had while I was in college, she said she was not committed to me then and that was normal stuff, but I was very hurt by them. I was so blind with love for her that I just forgave her without any questions asked. We have seen our minister, but I do not feel it has helped me much. He says that we must forgive each other as God would want. But in my opinion, he does not know what he is talking about. We both grew up in the church, but since this happened I do not know what I believe. I have been a very moral person and followed in Jesus' example, but this is too much for me to understand now.

Believer - how long were you like that? I want to feel normal again. I feel that the solution for me to heal is to walk away from her.

John - thanks for the support.

I felt awful for about 3 months, until I found this board. Posting here really helps. You won't believe it now, but you will start feeling better and your marriage can be better than ever.

I think most women have affairs to get emotional needs met. Your wife sounds like she has some issues that need to be addressed. I know it is hard, but try not to take it personally. Your self-esteem is probably really low right now, but it probably has little to do with you.

Dear Livingdead,

Don't give up just yet!! Believe it or NOT, you can still save your M if you want to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Time............time is what you will need to get through this. Being on the infidelity Diet sucks big time! Went thru the same thing!!

Now....Six months later and 13 lbs. heavier!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You know they say you "gain" when your happy....(why is that????) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You can be happy again! there is HOPE. It is a lot of work, and YES you will go thru the emotional mill time and time again but the advice I can give to you is "look to the future"....try all you can to look at today and how W is loving you and filling your E/N's.

The less often we let our minds take over/emotions the more we can "see the light of day"..........

Unfortunetly (and) FORTUNETLY my life is what it is today because of H's A!

Some like to tell me "your in the honeymoon period"....LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> but I know that what I am in now is a much happier/loving/sexual M than I have had in years!!!

Keep looking ahead.Yes you will still feel pain. And yes you can start to feel HAPPY (joyous) again.

It's HARD work, but if you work it, it does WORK.

Blessings,
Atruheart

P.S. My H has become my best-friend, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> seven months ago when he talked to me......I had NO CLUE who this man was! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Keep the FAITH!!!!!

believer and trueheart: thanks for your positive suggestions. We had a long talk this weekend about our situation. She says that she did not love that guy and she loves me. But how am I suppose to take that? How can she fool around with someone she does not love and at the same time hurt someone she loves? Isn't that twisted thinking?

Although I knew the guy from high school, I did not know anything about him since then. We used to run with different crowds. He was with the rough crowd, the troublemakers. She told me that she felt sorry for him because life treated him poorly. He has 3 failed marriages and hasn't had a stable job, apparently because of alcohol problems. Now, I really think that she has gone nuts. What was she looking for in a guy like that? I feel like vomiting everytime I think of her being with someone else.

She now has a very nice home in a select neighborhood, she has adorable children, she has had a peaceful life, she has traveled widely, she had a husband who adored her. What else did she want? I am very angry at her for putting that guy above me and for being so selfish. I am not sure I want to stay married to her, but I am really worried for my children. Where did I go wrong?

You said "what was she looking for in a guy like that?" I think I can maybe shed some light on that question.

When I did what your wife has done, my "other man" was a "guy like that". He was DIFFERENT from my husband, he was EXCITING because of the difference. My husband and I had been married so long that we were definitely in a routine RUT. I needed to escape and why escape with a guy just like the one you've got? She needed some excitment, something different, something to take her mind off her routine life. Of course she went about it the wrong way...just like I did.

Take a look at yourself. Do you like what you see? Apparently you are not what she wants in some ways. Quite likely, she thinks you are wonderful in many other ways. You MUST get to the sections on emotional needs. You must read them over and over and try to get her do the same. FILL OUT THE QUESTIONNAIRES and see what you can learn about each other. You will find the answer to your question, but it will likely be painful for you.

God bless.

Nobodytotalk: That is something I have thought. I work long hours because my job demands it. She is a stay at home mom because she wanted it. I have never pushed her to work or to do anything that she does not want. When I am home I spent every minute with her. We have special night for the two of us and she selects where she wants to go. We go as a family on short trips at least one week-end of the month. We have five acres of land with a pond. My question is, how can she get bored? I am passionate and very affectionate. If it were up to me, we would make love every day. Now, I do not feel turned on by her because she is the only woman I have been with and I expected that of her until she ruined that. I do not want her to touch me because I think she did that with that man. I want to confront him, but I do not know how I will react.

Livingdead, it is really hard to understand human psychology. It sounds like the guy is really a piece of work. I fully agree with your response to Nobodytotalkto. If you go to her thread, you will understand why she offers that opinion. The issue of getting bored or not having needs met is a common theme. Let me just say, if you are bored, you find something constructive to do. You find something that does not cause any harm like a sport, a class, writing, etc. That is probably the sorriest excuse ever invented to have an affair and find somebody "different". As far as confronting the man, if you are not sure how you would react, I suggest you do not do it. If you end up behind bars because of that creep, your children are going to suffer and so will she. Act smart and do not do anything dumb.

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>

LivingDead: Admittedly, this is a sort of a WAG, based mostly on intuition, but your description of your life just SCREAMS at me that your wife's reasons for her affair are mostly about something you have not told us (or do not know) about her sexual history.

I'd be willing to bet a second issue is that what you consider "passionate", she does not, and that her idea of "the good life" and yours are somewhat different, and you never realized that.

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Look, I was just trying to point you to what may be the right direction. If you want to survive this, you must learn to understand your spouse. Why-me is obviously a man, as you are, and let's face it, if you want to understand a member of the opposite sex, you just might want to get help from the opposite sex. If you knew everything about your wife, you quite likely wouldn't be here. Just something to think about. Some people have hostility that shows through even on a message board, but it never helps anybody. I came here looking for help, and I think you have too. Hope you find some from somebody who is actually trying to help.

Nobody to talk to,
It occurs to me after reading your post that you may still have fond memories of your affair with your "other man", mr different and exciting.

"I needed to escape and why escape with a guy just like the one you've got? She needed some excitment, something different, something to take her mind off her routine life."

To do this is to choose to perform the activities and identity (just like his wife and mine) of a common dirt road whore. Sorry but if you've EVER called another woman, at any time in your life a whore, why did you call her that? Because she was loose, deceptive, and screwing somebody she shouldn't have been? I can't help but take exception to your post, you make it sound so exciting and romantic for you to have had an affair, even if it's "the wrong way to go about it".

Also...
"Take a look at yourself. Do you like what you see? Apparently you are not what she wants in some ways. Quite likely, she thinks you are wonderful in many other ways." "You will find the answer to your question, but it will likely be painful for you."

And am I to assume that it should be expected that if you happen not to be absolutely everything at a given time in your marriage, that your wife wants, that she should go screw some other people, just for something new and exciting, just for kicks? And if she doesn't get away with it, then we're to try to figure out what WE have done to CAUSE the affair ... and then fix us (betrayed spouse) so maybe she won't have to go off and screw some more different and exciting people?
It just sounds like to me, that you figured out what your H did to CAUSE you to go screw someone else, and now you got him straightened out and everything's better now.
I feel like I'm in the friggin twilite zone!

livingdead,
Don't be discouraged by the advice of wayward spouses, many seem to THINK they know how you feel and post (I'm sure in good faith) suggestions about what went wrong, how to forgive, etc... You can bet, there's not a wayward spouse alive that knows how you feel!
You did not CAUSE your wife to screw somebody else! She made that decision on her very own, she chose to decieve you and rip your soul to shreds. She CHOSE to take the most sacred and intimate part of your marriage and your bond between each other, and give it FOREVER to another man. Now he can't give it back to you even if he wanted to, she can't give it back to you, it's final and he owns it. Now you have to figure out how to replace that tremendous part of the pie that is your marriage with something else.
It's the hard way out. But it's respectable if you can do it. And a friend of mine (divorced) did tell me once, "there's not a man that's been here, that would fault you for taking her back"
If you still love your wife and your marriage and want to keep your family, you're going to have to live through this, plain and simple. And it'll probably be the most painful thing you'll ever have to live through because of the betrayal. Do pour over all Dr. Harleys concepts with your wife and try to focus on them as much as possible. Your wife is the most important part of your recovery, she needs to fully appreciate the depth of your pain and accept that she caused it. She needs to tell you she's sorry every day and as many times and as many years as it takes to help you through this. Don't take advice from people (friends) who have divorced. They're well meaning, but most of that advice (that I got) was damaging to my recovery. You'll think you're never going to make it, many days spent wondering who the hell you are, screaming till your throat bleeds, clinically insane at times. You'll wonder how your wife could be so arrogant, selfish, and ruthless, and you just have to make yourself live through it. Dr. Harley in my humble opinion, is probably your best chance at recovery. You will have to address things that your wife is unhappy about, and she'll have to address the things she did to make you unhappy. And after you analyze this you'll realize that even though you overlooked it over and over, all the little things that she did over the years add up in your mind too, and you may not have been as happy as you think, but you just had more character than to act on it the way she did. It's a two way street, but make no mistake about it, her living like a whore for a few weeks was not your fault! It was her decision. She could have threatened to leave unless you two got things straight, she could've insisted on counseling, and lots of other choices. The one she chose was childish, vengeful, sickening, and totally devestating and destructive. She'll have to realize that and if she has a concience, live with it, and what she's become.

Try to stay focused, you'll cry for months, it's normal, you'll hate her, forgive her, love her, and hate her again over and over, it's normal. The nightmares are relentless, and after a year, I still have them almost every morning. But it used to be all night. I also have daymares, and I'm sure you do too, all day, and I still do, but somehow the pain isn't quite as bad now.

You could leave, or kick her [censored] out of the house and probably get the kids, but she needs to appreciate that you want to try to live with her and love her again after what she's done. Then you both have to try and maintain enough sanity in your family to get past enough time that you can think a little more clearly. Until that happens you have to try to "fly by the instruments" as Steve Harley told me, as much as you can, meaning keeping LB's to a minimum. That's been one of the hardest things for me, and at least my wife has been understanding about that, it helps tremendously. Read all DR Harleys books many times over, and try to attend one of his seminars (together)if at all possible. You'll have to gather up more strength than ever thought you could have, to accept this affair and live with it. But just stay with it, get past the bad fights and bad days and try to have some good ones, until enough time passes...
You have my deepest sympathy,
Bill

Livingdead, you are getting some useful advice here. Some of it is rough and could be edited, but you may understand that there are many hurt people who are in the same situation as you, and I include myself in there. As angry as you may be, never ever direct the anger to your wife. Remember that she is the mother of your children and after all she has spent a good portion of her life with you.
What NobodyToTalkTo is saying is a valid suggestion. Although I disagree with the reasons that she gives, it is important to get the perspective from other wayward spouses if you want to understand what goes through their minds when they decide to act as they do. Killingmeplease is giving you the perspective and suggestions of another hurt husband. He is obviously very angry after a year of finding out, but I share some of the same experiences related to nightmares and daymares. The rollercoaster of emotions is difficult to describe because the emotions are so intense and when you think you are beginning to feel better, all of a sudden, something triggers those feelings. Your wife will not understand why you feel low or frustrated on some days. One important thing I have learned is that no matter what you are feeling or thinking, be careful in choosing your words because she may feel ofended or hurt and she does not deserve bad treatment, in spite of what others may say. You need a peaceful environment and if you do not control your emotions, it is going to be very difficult. Take care.

LD,
i feel compelled to chime in here with a more practicle voice.

you have every right....EVERY RIGHT...to be down and dirty, mad dog angry! in fact, i would say that your anger is a healthy sign of self esteeme. how that anger is manifested, however, is problemtical.

no abusive behavior, yelling screaming or name calling is called for. in fact, right now your greatest challenge is to remain calm and rational.

you have every right to have an accounting of her actions. you have every right to place immediate boundaries on her activities. the issue is how you go about acomplishing these goals...and how you go about deciding as to weather or not you want this marriage to continue.

my advice is to do nothing that would take your right to make that decision out of your own hands.

take time to cool down and take care of yourself. do the things you need to do for yourself...to help deal with the pain. get some IC and get medicated if that's what you need.

plenty of time down the road to decide what you want and what to do. right now, make yourself the focus by being good to yourself. your W doesn't sound to be going anywhere...so just stay cool.

coach

John39: what is a WAG? There is nothing that I can say about her sexual history that is not normal. Those two times that she betrayed while we were dating, she said it was only emotional and I believe her.

NobodyToTalk: Thanks for your comments. I do want to hear what members of the opposite sex may have to say. I think you are right, I thought I knew everything about my wife. I was wrong otherwise I would never have trusted her or married her.

killmeplease: I wish it would be easy for me to kick her butt out of the house, but she then my children would pay for something that they have not done. I do not think we can recover from this. I always wanted to live a respectable life, but how can it be respectable now living with a woman who has slept with someone else who is not her husband? She chose to ruin our life to be with a loser in life who leads a lowly life. How can I regain my respect? She said she was a Christian and did this. I can no longer say I believe in anything.

why-me: how can I not be mad at her? How can I respect her? Did she respect me? No! I cannot find peace anywhere. I find myself constantly thinking about what I did wrong? what could I have done differently? I have a lot of anger inside and I really want to confront that jerk.

coach: you are saying the same things that why-me suggests and I have the same questions for you. How can I remain calm facing this? I really want to go somewhere and disappear for awhile. But what do I do about the children? Everytime I see her I get upset that she was able to behave like a promicuos woman and didn't care what would happen. I no longer feel respect for her and it is like she is no longer my wife in my mind. It feels like she is a stranger living in my home.

We had a conversation last night and it left me very frustrated. What I considered precious and unique about our marriage was that we both were the only persons in each other's lives until she ruined that. I am not sure I can live with a woman who has been with another man and especially in an adulterous relationship.
I now question her moral integrity and it is very difficult for me to regain that trust. I am really lost because I loved her more than anyone in my life. I am remorseful now that I had children with her. I love my children and it is not their fault that their mother acted in such an irresponsible way, but they are the reason I cannot walk away from her. Will I ever regain my sense of well being?

LivingDead, you said you had a conversation that left you frustrated. Why?

I understand your comments about the uniqueness of your union because ours was like that also. You probably have a lot of questions but no answers. At least, I am glad to see that there are others that think like me and it is not labeled as being sexist. I think our society and how the role of women in it have changed have a lot to do with these unacceptable behaviors. There was a time when women would be more respectful of themselves or their partners, but now they start to "experiment" much earlier and it is "normal" to be with multiple partners before they decide. Talk about carrying baggage into marriage. Our wives were different, but something happened to them that made them forget the importance of what they had.
You sound like you are sorry that you have your children. Do not be. They are precious creatures who are innocent of what you are going through. Rejoice in them and try to be a good role model. Maybe someday you will feel whole again. Some say it takes two years. I do not whether that is true or not, but be patient.

Best of luck to you.