MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10YRS, MARRIED FOR 2 1/2 YRS. ABOUT 4YRS AGO, HE WAS AT WORK AND SUFFERED A GUNSHOT WOUND TO THE FACE. HE WAS IN & OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND SURGERIES FOR 2YRS. IT NEVER WAS A QUESTION HE CAME HOME TO LIVE WITH ME AND MY FAMILY. WE TOOK CARE OF HIM. THEN ABOUT 1.5 YRS LATER WE GOT MARRIED, BUILT A HOUSE. DUE TO HIS INJURY HE COULD NO LONGER WORK INTHE POSITION HE WAS IN AND HAD TO TAKE A PAYCUT. SO MY INCOME PAID THE BILLS WHICH I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH. A FEW MONTHS AGO HE BEGAN TO SLEEP ALL THE TIME, ALWAYS LATE FOR WORK, SOMTIMES 2,3,4 HOURS LATE. WHEN I WOULD TRY TO GET HIM UP I WOULD PRETTY MUCH HAVE TO YELL AT HIM. ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO HE REVEALED TO ME THAT HE HAD BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR FROM THE END OF FEBUARY TO SOMETIME IN APRIL. HE SAID HE DECIDED TO END IT BECAUSE THE GUILT WAS KILLING TO LIE TO ME. THE THING IS THAT HE ALSO TOLD ME HE HAD CHEATED ON ME BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED WITH THE SAME GIRL AND HAD JUST BROKEN IT OFF A FEW DAYS BEFORE HE GOT SHOT. HE PROMISED HE WANTS ME AND WANTS TO MAKE IT WORK, THAT HE WOULD NOT CONTACT HER ANYMORE. HOWEVER, MONDAY HE EMAILED HER AND JUST SAID HI!. COME TO FIND OUT AGAIN THIS WEEK HE WAS TRYING TO CATCH HER ON LINE. I KEEP EXPLAINING TO HIM THAT THIS WILL NEVER WORK IF HE KEEPS TRYING TO CONTACT HER AND LYING TO ME. HE THEN SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH HER HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY HE KEEPS TRYING TO EMAIL HER. HE HAS PROMISED YET AGAIN THAT HE WILL NOT TRY TO CONTACT HER AGAIN AND WILL TRY TO WORK THIS OUT WITH ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE WITH AND HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER. I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BELIEVE HIM OR NOT. I WORK NIGHTS AND HAVE PUT IN A REQUEST FOR DAYS. NOT THAT IT WILL HELP B/C BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED AND HE WAS SLEEPING WITH HER I WAS WORKING DAYS. ANY SUGGESSTIONS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

Brokenhearted -

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. This is a great place to be under the circumstances. Start reading about Plan A. You can find links to it on this forum under the "General Questions for all New Builders" thread.

Actually your situation seems very promising, in that he told you the truth and says he wants to stay married. Most lie and deny, and say they don't want to be married. So you have that in your favor.

So stick with us and we will help you through this. Weekends are kind of slow, so try to do a lot of reading here.

THANK YOU BELIEVER, I AM TRYING TO HANG IN THERE, MY H WANTS TO KEEP TRYING TO HAVE CHILDREN LIKE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY

All WS's behave the same. They would like to forget it happened, and just sweep it under the rug. Of course it is tempting to do, but is not the answer.

You need to get some counseling to work out issues that contributed to his straying. There are a couple of good books by Harley - Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs. See if you can get them.

Also check out the home page here under "quick clicks" and read restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation.

Is there any chance your husband will read and post here?

HE PROBABLY WOULD READ AND POST IF I ASKED HIM TO, WE HAVE PRINTED ALOT OF THE SECTIONS ON HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS AND HAVE READ SOME OF IT TOGETHER. SO FAR HE HAS BE TRUE TO THE NO CONTACT. OF COURSE THAT IS SINCE THAT LAST TIME I CAUGHT HIM TRYING TO GET HER ON THE NET ABOUT 2WEEKS AGO.

Why not ask him to read and post here. We have a ton of WS's trying to maintain NC. It is like an addiction, and very hard for them.

Sounds like you are doing fairly well. Try not to take all of this personally. They all do the same things and say the same things.

I AM TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS AND I KNOW IT IS STILL EARLY IN THE RECOVERY BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO KEEP THIS FROM BEING ALL I THINK ABOUT. ALL THE TIME! WH AND I WILL BE DRIVING SOME WHERE AND I WILL START THINKING ABOUT THE A AND DETAILS. ANY SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE HELPFUL.

This happened to me a lot, too. Especially in the beginning. First, to deal with the anger that I had, I worked out a LOT. Elliptical trainer, running, sometimes walking for hours. That was critical for me. Because, basically, they cannot undo what they have done. And, as unfair as it is, you are the one who has to process what has happened and come to terms with it all in your own head and heart.

MC has helped me and FWH communicate effectively. For instance, I was getting frustrated because I was trying to share my feelings with H. He would get defensive and tell me all the bad things I have done to him. Then we would both be angry. I told MC this.

We realized that I wasn't saying "I feel, I think" I was saying "You this, you that." Which made him defensive. So, last night I used these techniques to share my feelings, and H didn't get defensive, he said he understood and was here for me, and just held me. After about 20 minutes, I felt so much better. And he did too.

This morning we complimented each other on our effective communication last night, and how great we both felt. We even high-fived each other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know MC can be pricey, and this is our second MC (and the right one for us), but it is well worth it.

I hope any of this is helpful for you.

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS