I had an A with OW for the past 5 years. She broke it off and I am in depression. I know I am the bad guy but I am still hurting just the same. I need an encouraging word. I am more alone than I have ever been. I have a great family but they have become seemingly unimportant. I know how good they are and my wife is wonderful. THere has just been something missing in our relationship. I have been with the OW for so long that I feel as if I cant survive a another day without her but I am trying. I want to make things right with my W. She doesnt know about the A. But she knows something is bothering me bigtime because of the depression I am going through. I need HELP!!!!!!!!!!! I have tried to do better but its hard. THis is easily the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with in my life. Help!

Hi Chief. You will find a lot of support here if you are genuine about getting over OW - I promise you it is possible even though it seems impossible right now. I

I know you think your situation is totally unique but look how many members are on this board(or have been). Your pain is absolutely part of this. People say it is very similar to coming off drugs or alcohol. (I would imagine - I've never taken drugs except nicotine - but I've sure been through withdrawal from OM).

One of our regular posters, Chris, had a 7 year affair and has just come on the board to tell us that his marriage and his wife have become his life again. It didn't just happen like that either - it was hard and it was painful and it took quite some time.

Have you read the concepts on the MB site. Most importantly, you don't intend to contact the OW. That's the start. I needed anti-depressants to get me through my withdrawal. Also, even though OM and I finished the A mutually, it was more his decision than mine.

I'm the FWW (my brief story is in my signature line). My H found out but I was on the point of telling him anyway. It was terrible (to put it mildly) for him but the best thing for our M.

Weekends are a little slow here but hang around, it is the best place for support.

Jenny

<small>[ May 02, 2004, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You will get a lot of help and support here. We have a few people here that are going through the same thing. It is very difficult and painful.

You might try some anti-depressants to help you through withdrawal. Please stick with us. Also it helps to exercise, and make yourself get out and do things.

Hey chief,

It's a wretched place you're at, but thank goodness you found this site.

I would definitely recommend telling your wife. If OW broke it off it's possible she or her H will end up telling your W anyway, and it is SO MUCH better for your W to hear this devastating news from you. Her trust will be shattered, yes, but if the news comes from YOU then you already have that first bit of honesty out there and the first bit of trust building. My H told me and believe me, for the first couple of months I clung to that as a sign of hope that he still valued me enough to have told me himself.

Once your W knows it will be easier for you to avoid contacting the OW. Why? Because to earn your wife's trust you'll give her access to all your email, phone, and financial records. You'll account for your whereabouts at all times. Yes, getting over the OW is awfully hard but believe me it is best done cold turkey with no lingering "closure" conversations. Those only open the wound and delay healing.

That's enough for now, though of course you'll have a lot of work to do with your wife building your marriage back up - it *can* be better than it ever was before. The people on this site can help you with that, too.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.