I am cleaning my bedroom today and came across some notes that I thought I would post here.
I can't remember the exact sources, various books & internet sites that I've been referring to for past year.

This is some info I found about how to help our children cope with this. I am shocked at how devastating this has been for mine. Some of the things on this list were not possible for us to do. For example, because of WH's violence problem and the resulting restraining order, I couldn't allow him to come to our home and pretend we were still a 'family unit'. I've worried a lot about not being able to do better but when I think back to what I should have done differently, mostly I just would have gotten firmer with my WH a LOT sooner.

1) Do everything you can to have the family unit continue.

(My WH's version of this was to demand that I come along for visitation and let him come into my home, even while a restraining order was in effect. He claimed "the kids need to see us together". Because I would not let him violate the restraining order, HE sometimes refused to have visitation with his daughters and then accused me of not allowing him to see them!)

2) Let your children know that it's OK to love both parents.

(WH's main objective is that our daughters accept and love OW. Also, my daughters sometimes tell me THEY 'hate' their father and do NOT want me to try to explain why he's acting this way, do NOT want me to give him another chance, and do NOT want to ever forgive him.)

3) Reinforce the idea that your children have two homes.

(OK this one is sort of hard to do when he wouldn't even give us his address or phone #! - We had to find out on our own! Plus his apartment doesn't even have a bedroom, let alone a bed! It is also almost 50 miles away and the kids wanted to know why he didn't just rent one of the apartments walking distance from our home... He was mostly staying at OW's apartment.)

4) Let your children know that you will always love them.

(Yea, my WH would tell my daughters he loved them and they were his # 1 priority, to call him anytime, then turn off his cell phone as soon as he dropped them off after visitation. One time youngest daughter called him on Saturday night and left a message. He didn't call her back until Tuesday evening.)

5) Tell your children that the divorce is not their fault.

(My WH does tell our children this BUT adds that everything is all my fault and/or that there's nothing wrong with anything he and OW are doing. He refuses to take ANY responsibility for anything.)

6) Maintain a good working relationship with the other parent.

(I was worried that Plan B would interfere with this. But since WH's word can't be trusted it actually is better to have all communication about kids/finances in writing. Instead of using a 3rd party for Plan B intermediary I decided on written communication so I can verify whatever he promises from now on PLUS can expose what he says to me to OW, his family, lawyer, etc.)

7) Keep the other parent advised on all important matters.

8) Make it easy for the children to express their feelings.

(My Wh says I need to tell our daughters that "their feelings are wrong". He's also told me that "they're dumb punk kids and nobody gives a f*** what they think anyway"!)

9) Speak positively about the other parent.

(It infurated my daughters when I did this LOL.
Now they don't want him even mentioned - period!)

10) Allow your children to stay children.

(The middle daughter seemed to be coping the best until one day when she started sobbing in a public place. She told me she thought she had to stay strong so it wouldn't make things worse for her sisters! I assured her this was not her problem and it was OK to express her feelings too. I told her it might even feel better in a way, more understood, if they knew she was feeling the same as them. I have actually had more time for parenting, homeschooling, and planning activities for my children with WH gone so this helps too.)

OK, I see that I got a good rant along with this LOL.