Hello all, Great website and forums!

I found out about a month ago, W had an A with a friend in her acting group. We had been in MC for a few weeks! Too little, too late. Now I'm recovering and ready to move forward with her. Not so sure where she is, if she is over him or not. She is really trying hard to work things out with me, and says she wants to try to save our marriage, and doesn't think about the past, only the present and future.

My specific questions are:

1) The MC has suggested that W and myself will eventually trust each other enough so that W and OM should be able to act in plays together. I laughed at this, and in a later counseling session, MC realized what a mistake that might be. (We talked about it in terms of addiction and exposure to the addicting substance). Does our MC have a clue?

2) Any time I suggest a course of action, the MC says I'm being too controlling. I'm talking about W ending contact with OM (he emails to their acting group of friends). I'd like to see ALL communication between them cease. Other suggestions from Dr. Harley's website are met with similar reactions. What to do?

3) W has old IM chat logs and pictures of OM kids on our computers at home. I'd like to see all evidence of the A destroyed, but this is too "controlling". Why hang on to this unpleasant memory if she really wants to save our marriage?

4) MC says W deserves total privacy. OM is still emailing her (and mutual friends)! And I can only check one of several email accounts. Why shouldn't I check emails, etc. ?

5) W has a passion for community theater. OM is a frequent actor/audience member in plays in our area. How to avoid W running into OM without giving up her passion for acting? And what to do about mutual acting friends they have?

I think I'm ready to talk things through, but often get upset with W and we stop talking about difficult things for a while. Any advice from you all would be deeply appreciated.

Hi jpanek,

Welcome to MB.

I will give you my two cents.

I think your MC is missing the boat. I don't think it's okay for W to have any contact with OM and that you have the right to have the evidence of the A removed from your computer. As far as your suggestions for a "course of action," it's hard to say if that is truly too controlling without knowing what it is you are suggesting and the manner in which you are presenting the "suggestion." If it means all communications between W and OM stop, I would agree with that. Recovery doesn't stand a chance until contact stops.

With regard to your Ws privacy -- she has betrayed your trust and if she is sincere about wanting to save your marriage, she needs to allow her life to be an open book to you right now. If she keeps secrets, private emails and conversations going, trust has no foothold.

The toughest question is the one about your Ws passion for theatre and the proximity that will put her to OM. Again, I would say if she is sincere about saving your marriage, she should give it up -- at least for a while until your M is back on track and trust has been deeply re-established. She has to ask herself which is more important -- theatre or you?

Hope this helps in some small way. I'm sure you'll hear more from other, wiser MBers.

Break a leg! Ooops! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hmmm. First get rid of the MC. There can be no contact between WW and OM for the marriage, and especially you to recover.

In the meantime, read all about Plan A here. You can find links to it in this forum under the thread "General Questions for All New Builders".

Whoops, welcome to marriagebuilders.

I just found out my wife had a one night stand this past thursday. Maybe I am feeling too much pain, but are you not awarded the bad advice you received. It is not a safe marriage if you that situation continues to happen. I feel closure is very important and you are not getting that. Anyways, keep your chin up and it has helped me to live one day at a time and find a little peace in nature (God).

JP...I am a FWW and I absolutely disagree with your mc. I still work with the OM. It's been about 10 months since A ended and my recovery has been prolonged because of it. I also do not attend any office gatherings now where the spouses are invited. I would not wany my H to have to go through that.

Your MC is incompetent. Harley is hardly the only expert on affairs that advise no contact. All those who are competent to deal with affairs do.

That said - you may be controlling. I don't have enough information to determine that. Harley has a LOT to say on the subject of control, and how damaging it is (see LoveBusters). A good way to wreck a marriage is by being controlling, and being controlling will sabotage any recovery. Todd Mulliken wrote a book called "The State of Affairs" that deals with the issue of control in detail, as well.

You can only change yourself.

<small>[ May 04, 2004, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

bad MC...very bad! will hinder any progress and growth...especailly on your part!

be real...if the MC was right and was following a text text book appoach toward effecting a reconcilation...the method used may stll not be right for you.

why is that folks feel that they simply MUST learn to do what's contrary to what they feel is in there own best interests...to save a marriage? as if saving the marriage isn't in the best interest of both parties!

it's like when the WS tells the BS that they have no right to (never mind) dictate...but even ask for amendment in certain behavior...that they are after all free adults who are entitled to make there own decisions...to see who they want,speak to who they want, do what they want...and the are free to do these things...but in a loving relationship isn't it also true that we give up some of our perogatives to safe guard the feelings of the one we love?

sorry but my answer to your W and the MC would be that she (your W) is entitled to do anything and everything she may be pleased to do..with any one she may chose to do it with...but she can't have those rights and still be your wife!

coach

jpanek, it is sad that you have to be here for this reason. If you are controlling, that is one way to gradually kill the love someone feels for you, but to have an affair is not the solution and a sure way to put love in an intensive care situation. I agree with others who suggest you change the MC. His advice is totally nonsensical. I had a similar experience with the first I went to who suggested it was my fault "because I probably was not meeting one of her needs". Your wife may have a passion for acting, but my view of people in that environment is that they do not respect marriage vows too well. That man probably hits on other women and your wife just fell for his lines that are well rehearsed and tried.

jpanek,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The MC has suggested that W and myself will eventually trust each other enough so that W and OM should be able to act in plays together.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BZZZT! Wrong answer, thanks for playing. No, your MC doesn't have a clue. Even if your W is totally over OM and he is totally over her, what about your W's respect for your feelings and her desire to rebuild the trust she has so severly damaged?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any time I suggest a course of action, the MC says I'm being too controlling.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd give this some credence. You have the right (the responsibility, even) to let your W know how you feel and to politely request certain behaviors and actions of her. It is her choice, however, whether to honor your request. Read up on Love Busters and keep a close eye on how you "suggest" a course of action.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm talking about W ending contact with OM (he emails to their acting group of friends).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You and your W can't make OM quit sending emails. You *can* ask her to request he take her off his distribution list, or request she block his emails.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Other suggestions from Dr. Harley's website are met with similar reactions. What to do?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your W buys into the MB principles, then she will readily agree with dumping this MC and looking for another one. If she doesn't, perhaps you can let her know you're not pleased with this MC and see if she will agree to visit another one or two with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W has old IM chat logs and pictures of OM kids on our computers at home. I'd like to see all evidence of the A destroyed, but this is too "controlling".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, tell your W how that makes you feel and ask that she get rid of this stuff. I agree with you 100% - if he really means nothing to her, why is she keeping this stuff around? If she knows that this stuff actively hurts you, why would she keep it around? If a close mutual friend of yours were brutally killed, would she frame and display a photograph of the carnage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MC says W deserves total privacy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO NO NO!! A thousand times no!! For one thing, a marriage is a place for complete and total naked honesty, not for secrets and "privacy". For another thing, assuming your W did ever have a right to privacy, she forfeited that by getting involved with OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM is still emailing her (and mutual friends)!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quit harping on what OM is doing. You can't control his behavior. Ignore him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I can only check one of several email accounts. Why shouldn't I check emails, etc. ?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should. This will help build your trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W has a passion for community theater. OM is a frequent actor/audience member in plays in our area. How to avoid W running into OM without giving up her passion for acting? And what to do about mutual acting friends they have?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I, too, used to do community theatre until I decided to give it up so I could have children. It is a passion that runs deep. I know this is a part of your W just like music is a part of some people. To ask her to give it up would be asking her to change herself. It won't work, and she will only be miserable. How big a city do you live in? Can she become involved in other community theaters that he isn't a part of? I know in my current city that would be pretty easy. In other towns I've lived in, it would be impossible.

Perhaps she can get involved in a church or middle school or high school theatre department.

Regarding the mutual friends - you accompany her to any theatre outings or she doesn't go. My idea, and of course all you can do is make a polite request, don't demand this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If that's not acceptable to her, POJA the idea. Throw all possible solutions, good and bad, on the table. Don't judge any of them, just put them out there. Then go through and prune the list until you have a couple of workable ideas and go with that.

Another idea - you don't mention if you have kids, so this may not work - how about you getting involved on the tech crew for whatever production she's in? This would make you a "known couple" in the theatre community there plus you'd have a common interest to discuss together. Community theatres are always needing help. You can work on the set, costuming, stage manage, assistant to the director, box office, lighting. Are you handy with carpentry, electricity, business and organizational skills?

There is no way your MC knows what s/he is talking about. There should be absolutely no communication between your W an OM! If your wife was over this man and wants to move on with you, this should not be a problem. I know what you're feeling. My H had an A with his ex a year after we were married. I just found out 9 years later. This OW and her new husband go to the same church as me and my H. Every time I see her, I think..."does he think of her?" You know the saying out of sight out of mind. That should apply here.