In February I walked in on my WH and OW in our house, in the kid's room. OW is a married co-worker who has a son-3.
I couldn't believe it. I have run the gamet of emotions-mad, sad, crying, screaming, hitting him, a heap on the floor... I realize now that there were alot of LB's going on.
We are in MC, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all, except for the fact that WH is going with me, and coming home from work directly now.
I had a discussion with him yesterday, which has sort of lead to DDay2... He admitted alot of things that he was totally denying before. I am a good snoop and I found out.
He told me of how he had sex with OW in her car at this bar two months ago, when I knew he was with her and he bold faced lied about it. Also, that he was calling her with a calling card that SHE GAVE HIM so that the calls weren't screened like they were with the cell phone.
Basically, yesterday I felt as though he ripped my heart out again. I told him to have a nice life and I left and started to walk home. He did pull up and gave me a ride home.
I told him I can't take this pain anymore and I think that we should seperate. He works with OW every day and it is driving me crazy. He then took a handful of Aleve and drank a bunch of beers and went to bed.
Today I sent OW an email asking her a bunch of questions, but she hasn't answered them. I also did call her husband and revealed their affair to him, and told him I had cell phone records, and directions to his house... Now it turns out that OW told WH that her H thinks that I am crazy... Wonderful. I am at a loss here. What do I do? I thought I was working it out with him and then I get slapped with reality.

Hi Diz,

You have a lot of options. It looks like you want to save your marriage, and that is a noble thing, but it has to be followed with proper actions.

I would love to tell you that there was a way to get him to crawl to you and beg your forgiveness, but it probably won't happen that way. I wish things could be fair, but they often are not. If you want to save your M, your best bet is probably still going to be plan A, and if that doesn't work, moving to plan B.

If you have been here two months then you have an idea of what those plans are.

I know you are in great pain, I wish we could do something for you there. You can see your doctor,and tell him what is happening, and ask for a perscripton for an anti depressent drug. It is usually a very big help until things start to get better.

When you approach OW's husbend, it is always best done with solid evidence. We don't know if her H really thinks you are crazy, or if she just says that to get your H to feel better.

When your H is really ready to reconcile, he will make his life an open book to you, verify every thing he does, and write OW a no contact letter. He will also tell the truth 100% about all that has happened, so that he may begin to regain your trust.

Basically, yesterday I felt as though he ripped my heart out again. I told him to have a nice life and I left and started to walk home. He did pull up and gave me a ride home.

We often feel like this - but it may not be the best way to deal with our feelings. You want to think about things and make your decisions from a position of calm, so that you will be sure of what you do, and then can stick with it after you make up your mind. Here are the steps -
1. Gather information.
2. Look at all the pieces, and weigh the pros, and cons.
3. Make a decision based on all you know.
4. Carry it out to the best of your ability.

If you say you are leaving, and you don't leave, it could weaken your postition down the road. Please be careful with that.

I want you to feel better, I want you to be happy, but I can't make that happen for you. I hope this post will be helpful to you so that you can do it for yourself.

Now, you ask what you can do -

Often there are setbacks. If you still want your M, you learn all you can, you make a plan (plan A right now) and you carry it out. You set a time limit, and you look at how you run the plan from week to week, not how he responds. As you approach the end of your time limit, you look at the plan to see if you ought to go on with it, or change to plan B.

Judge your happiness now by how well you work your plan, not how he responds. It takes time to before things will get better.

Now, remember that when he sees OW, she is happy, she is glad to see him, and she makes him feel good. If you want him to enjoy being with you, you need to do these things better than OW. It's not about lying, or hiding your true feeligs, IT IS about changing your self, becoming a person that is happy, and feels good about themself, and showing it to H. It is about leaving the LB's alone, and meeting needs.

You set a time limit, because it is almost impossible to give forever without getting anything in return. We hope he comes around, but if he doesn't respond to your plan A, you go to plan B.

Please don't feel like you are all alone in the world, please don't think people don't care about you. We are limited in what we can do, but we will help as we are able.

I will pray for you if that is OK.
You can have a happy life, no matter what he does, but you still have a good chance of making this work. Please don't give up yet.

SS

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be while you are going through all of this pain. Lots of us have been through the exact same thing.

Keep posting here, it really helps, people here will understand like no one else.

Thank you for your replies. Well, OW emailed me back but didn't answer any questions for me, told me to stop and that it would be her only communication from her. No help in answering questions... This was done per our marriage counselor.
WH came home from work and went to his side job doing carpentry. I'm hurt today because I had oral surgery and I had to go to it by myself and drive myself home. He did call me to see how it went but I couldn't really talk well.
My birthday was on Monday and I got a nice card from him but that is it. He said he'd pay for me to get a bellybutton ring. I don't know if I'll get one or not. I'm chicken bak bak. : ) He has mentioned me getting one for a while now but I didn't want to cause I didn't think I'm quite skinny enough to pull that look off. LOL
Now, I'm going tanning and lost 12 pounds thanks to the 'affair diet'... He says I'm going to get all skinny on him and find myself a boyfriend. UGH! I hate it when he says that. He is the one who stepped out on me and cheated and he ain't no skinny minny himself.
I need to learn how to not LB. It's what I do best unfortunately... I get hurt and I lash out. And I know I'm sposed to present my best self but it's not easy to do when my self esteem is in the toilet. How can I be nice and sweet to him and happy to see him when I have that mental picture of OW riding him when I walked in and opened the door and turned ont he light and he threw her off him??? Very hard to ignore the image. I'm rambling...

diz-

Love your sense of humor. I walked into WH's house, and he and OW were doin the nasty - twice. And the part that hurt was the day before he stood up in church and asked for everyone to pray for our reconciliation.

Yep - your self-esteem is in the toilet, but try not to take it personally. There is something wrong with HIM, not you.

Go ahead and get that belly-button ring - the infidelity diet works wonders.

You MUST not LB. Come here and LB. All it does is drive WS away, because they are like addicts, all they think about is getting their next fix. So hang with us, and we will walk you through this. I promise that things will get better.

So, where are you today?

Better, I hope.

I need to learn how to not LB. It's what I do best unfortunately... I get hurt and I lash out. And I know I'm sposed to present my best self but it's not easy to do when my self esteem is in the toilet. How can I be nice and sweet to him and happy to see him when I have that mental picture of OW riding him when I walked in and opened the door and turned ont he light and he threw her off him??? Very hard to ignore the image. I'm rambling...

Doesn't sound like you are rambling, just expressing your feelings.

I don't know a good way to answer your question. What you say is true - it is hard to ignore the image, and you discovered in person. The natural reaction is to be angry, and to lash out. What Dr Harleys research has shown is that doing that won't restore a marriage. What will restore it is being the best person you can be (sometimes better than we can be) and doing the things that will bring recovery, and love. If you want someone to like you, you don't yell at them and call them names. I know that part makes sense to you, the hard part is what do we do with the feelings we have, and the anger.


You can do it a number of ways - I can't list them all, but I will try a few.
Some make a game out of it. "I win this game if I can be kind even after what he did to me. I loose when I get angry and LB."

Some do it out of compassion - because they realize that they don't have to return hurt for hurt, they can be a bigger person and return kindness for pain.

Some do it because they realize it's the only way they will save their marriage, and they know that's what they want.

Look inside and find a reason for you - and then keep it in mind as you work on your plan.

I believe that when you get to the end of this, you will want to be able to say you did the best you could. I can't argue the difficulty of what is invloved, but I can remiend you of the importance of what is at stake.

Let us know how you are - and realize that sometimes weekends are slow. You may not get timely responses on the weekend.

SS

Diz,
Still Seeking is right - find a reason for you. Once you establish this then use this reason every time you have the desire to lash out or LB. Oh yeah - bite your tongue A LOT!

Last night my WH and I had a "discussion" and I wanted nothing more than to LB him to "Kingdom Come" so to speak. However, sometimes I believe he's testing me - I have changed from a cold, distant W to a warm, loving, affectionate wife - will I stay this way? When I think of this I bite my tongue and clam up until I can calmly respond. I have seen the benefits of avoiding LBs - glimpses of the loving, happy guy I married.

It's not easy, your tongue will get "sore", and you will be emotionally exhausted at times, but I figure it's worth a try to save a valuable M. I've found it has gotten easier to avoid LBs with practice.

Good luck and my prayers for strength are with you.