A month ago my husband found out I had an affair a year ago. He is obviously hurt, angry everything you can imagine. We are still together, and we are trying to heal and get thru this. I have promised that this will never happen again, i truly have learned my lesson and will never hurt him like this again. My husband says he's willing to put in effort to see where this will go but he's not sure for how long. He also refuses to wear his wedding ring.

Is it a positive sign that he's willing to keep trying and could some of his comments be made just to hurt me to remind me that he's still angry and hurt? I truly believe we both want this to succeed, if we didn't neither of us would still be in the relationship. We've been married 10 1/2 years, survived his acholism and we can survive this.

Any thoughts, suggestions?

Dana,

I am glad you found this site. I suspect it will help you and your H alot. I would really suggest that you read the articles on this site by Harley, I think they will help you. One of the key ones would be the Policy of "radical honesty" and Joint Agreement, often referred to as POJA.

At one month your H sounds as if he is very normal. His world has been torn up and he is struggling. It is called the "emotional rollercoaster" around here.

I would also suggest that you obtain a copy of Surviving an Affair by Harley. Why? Because he discusses affairs and their different types as well as can be done to address them. You and your H will find the information very useful.

Are you two in counseling? If you are not I would urge you to find a GOOD pro-marriage counselor.

Your H is normal, but perhaps you need to reflect on something. When you got married you VOWED before God and everyone that you would be faithful. While I am certain you believe and fully intend to honor your promise, you can understand why he may have doubts about your ability to do so.

Part of what you are going to see is that he will struggle with trust and it will take a lot of honesty, consistent actions, patience and time on your part to rebuild this. Another thing he will struggle with his belief in himself and his abilities to be a good H to you and be someone you want in your life. You may not appreciate this, but it will be a big hurdle for him to "trust himself" again.

So welcome, please read, ask questions, make comments and you will start to see things a bit differently than you do now. Finally, you may not appreciate it yet, but the purpose of this site is NOT to make your marriage survive, but to make it better than it was before. It can be done. Your H seems willing as he is still there, go for it.

God Bless,

JL

Hello,

I think his behavior is quite normal. Imagine how you would be feeling if the roles had been reversed. In addition, I think it makes a big difference whether you were honest with him and confessed to the affair or he found out about it on his own. If he found out about it on his own then he probably believes the affair would still be continuing and that it only stopped because you were caught. I think you are correct that he has taken off his ring because he wishes to show you his pain and also tell you that he does not know who he is married to right now. It is difficult for him to trust you because you were caught and did not confess. How do you suppose he should feel? I wish you luck.

I appreciate the responses. The question was did he find out or did I confess....actually both. The affair would not have continued, it had been 1 year since I have seen the other involved here. My conscious was weighing heavily on me and I needed to tell him. He was asking questions and I had no choice but to answer honestly. There is absolutely no chance that I will ever see or contact the other individual. My reasons for this affair were not because I was in love with another man......I got no personal satisfaction from this. This other man never made me feel good, loved, needed or anything like my husband does. All my life I've had a problem with self esteem and when I was with this other person it helped validate my low opinion of myself. In otherwords it made me feel worse and that gave me the feeling that I was used to.

This other individual was someone that I'd dated prior to my husband. That relationship was toxic from the beginning. Being with him was my addiction, like a drug addict, or alcholic....you need that fix even though it's not good for you. I finally made the decision that I couldn't be that self defeating person any longer and I had to change. Telling my Husband about the affair (it only happened once...but that was once too many) was what I needed to do, as painful as it has been for both of us to get out of the downward cycle I had myself in for so long.

We are not in counseling together, my husband does not want to go. I am working with a therapist for my own issues. My husband and I are talking alot more, we are being intimate a lot more and it seems that we are starting to get back on track to being us, only a better version.

I realize that there is no set "time-table" for healing....is there a "norm" if you will for things to progress? This is new territory for me. I want to do the right things.

My husband is my life, my soul mate. The fact that I've deeply hurt him tears me apart.

Dana,

A typical time table??? Well, I think if you read the book I mentioned you will get a better idea of the stages and thus the time table. To recover/rebuild a marriage the number Harley and others give is 2 years. At 6 months you should see changes, but often this is a period where BS is angry . It is speculated here that this is because the BS now knows the marriage will work and they begin to open up all of the pain and frustration they have held in. Your H may be ahead of that curve.

The time it takes to rebuild trust is to some degree dependent on how long it takes the BS and the WS to understand WHY the affair happened and what the BS could have done to prevent it. You see if the BS feels that they had no control then or now, then they often struggle with the "what's to prevent this from happening again?" issue and that coupled with the 'trust' issue makes recover slower.

But, mostly it has to do with the individuals, what their marriage was like before, during and after the A. Clearly something was wrong with the marriage in the last year or so, otherwise your H would NOT have been asking and asking about you having an affair.

So he has had at least a year of lies from you, and that will take time to recover from. Often the BS's here state it is the lies that hurt the most.

So hang in there, this is a process and there are few if any short cuts, but it will get better as you come to understand yourself and your H better.

God Bless,

JL