you are not alone, just found out,been going on for the last two years i fill like my life has been a lie and now i dont know what to do,and for some resone i still love her

emt602: It has helped me to write down on this site what I am going through and even to go back and read what I wrote to see that I have made at least some progress during this rollercoaster of emotions. You may discover it can help you too and I invite you to share your pain anonymously and to ask questions to the more experienced member of this board. I am sure they will respond to you as they have to me, with compassion, support, suggestions and non-judging advice. As early as yesterday I was helped by Natalies comments that I am probably putting too much pressure on myself by thinking that if the love bank drops that another affair will happen. The correct response to a drop in the love bank should be for us to talk about it and learn from it - it shouldn't be feared on a dialy basis - but it should be a signal requiring we act to come together. Sometimes we need that second impartial opinion to see such things and you can and will get that here too. Sincerely ...swdad.

swdad,

I fully agree that writing down what you feel helps. It is a real huge burden to have to carry with the pain of knowing that the person closest to you is capable of such a horrible thing.

In a post by Natalie, she says to you </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your wife is a human being who made a terrible choice/mistake.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is an excuse that is commonly used to justify those actions, but she is also your wife who made a covenant to love you, cherish, honor and respect you. That is what we are obligated to do because we love our partners. I really wonder how someone can say "I love you" and still be capable of acting in that way. In any event, humans are complex and unfortunately some more than others.

Hopefully, the pain goes away with time and you can recover your self steem and peace of mind. How you can recover the trust and the romantic love that hold two people together? I wish someone would have an effective recipe for that.

Best wishes to you and keep on writing.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In a post by Natalie, she says to you
quote:
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Your wife is a human being who made a terrible choice/mistake.
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That is an excuse that is commonly used to justify those actions,

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Why-Me, (sorry to thread-jack, SWDad!)

I don't know where you are exactly in the recovery journey, but I should tell you that it took me over a year to come to the realization above. It is not about justification. There is no way to justify having an affair. PERIOD. There are always other alternatives---right from telling your spouse you're unhappy to getting a divorce!

When my husband told me the affair was a terribe mistake so many times early after DD, it just INFURIATED me. It was a CHOICE, I would yell at him, not a MISTAKE. I hold personal accountability and integrity very highly.

But then I started to think more deeply about the situation. I decided that if I loved him and wanted to stay married to him, I would have to try to understand his thought process. Try to understand what in him allowed him to make that choice. I found out (with help from our psychotherapist) that it's common to "compartmentalize" your mind. I found it healing to know that he never meant to hurt me. That was not his INTENT. The affair was really never about me at all. It was about a flaw in his character.

I asked myself if it was in his character to be unfaithful again AFTER he saw what it had done to me, to our marriage, to our children's future and to HIM. I decided that this choice/mistake of his was OUT OF CHARACTER for him. That decision (based on evidence of past and recent behaviour) made a future with him possible. It gave our marriage a chance--a strong chance of succeeding.

Now onto something YOU said in YOUR post...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How you can recover the trust and the romantic love that hold two people together? I wish someone would have an effective recipe for that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you been searching for this recipe? I think you can find it right here at good old Marriage Builders. I would like to gently suggest you have a look at the Basic Concepts. I like to re-read them once in a while myself to refresh my memory.

Best of luck in your recovery.

Natalie

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: I'm Natalie ]</small>

Hi Natalie,

Yes my wife also says that she had a fall from grace and made a terrible mistake and that she regrets it completely and would undo it if she could. I also think it was out of character for her and that she wasn't thinking about me when she did it. She say she was caught up in the excitement of the connection with this new person. However she did make a lot of choices and decisions that got her in that situation. Such as investing in a relationship with a man while on vacation at the expense of spending time with her sisters who she travelled with. And spending one-on-one time with a strange man including recreational fulfillment (dancing, walking, exploring) and undivided attention thorugh conversation, affection etc.

I now see how these things can make deposits into the love bank but I am surprised it can happen so quickly that in two or three days she would decide to share his bed. There must have been some latent flaws in her character I never knew about that allowed her to make those choices/mistakes which resulted in a physical relationship developing that quickly.

She is an adult and she does have to take responsibility for her actions. The consequences of her actions are my painfull thoughts, nightmares and my utter lack of joy right now - and her remorse. I can be happy with my kids still but I have yet to feel joy as I did before D-Day.

Lately I am trying to shield her more from my pain because I think she does feel such responsibility for it and she does say she never thought about how her actions could hurt me when she was doing what she did. Like your situation, I believe she probably will not repeat what she did now that she has seen how it has crushed me so much that to this day I remain somewhat "broken". I need to find joy again but I feel somehow I can't - or shouldn't, yet. It's complex.

I am left wondering when joy and awe about life will return. Deep down I know this is up to me to control but I haven't found the control for this yet. Instead I feel anxiety and fear still. Anyone have any insights/suggestions for this or want to relate their experience regarding their path to regain joy in life "afterwards"?

Sincerely...swdad

Hi SWDad,

It's nice to see an update from you. You're doing very well for someone so early in recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need to find joy again but I feel somehow I can't - or shouldn't, yet. It's complex.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I remember that awful joyless feeling very well. Food had no flavour. I felt like I was living in an anestheticized world. I was numb.

You're right it is complex. I know I thought that by feeling any kind of happiness that I was sending out the message to my husband that what he did was not that big a deal. I thought that he would feel like he "got away" with it. Then I decided that I should not be paying for his sins by depriving myself of the joys of life. We talked about it and he reassured me that he felt that he definitely didn't get away with anything! He had heard and understood my pain and realized just what he had done to me/us.

Forgiveness and time will bring the joy back, SW. But you'll have to do an autopsy on the affair and uncover the why and the how to prevent it in the future before you can feel less fearful and anxious. Are you getting professional help with this?

Regards,
Natalie