I have been suspicious of my H for about a month now. His responses to my questions about his behavior are classic. He says he feels bored, that our marriage has become static and feels that we are 'companions' now. We have an 8 month old son and I'm scared to death. I've asked him if he loves me and he says 'yes still the same'.
The latest is that I found out today that he went to breakfast on his way to work. I figured it out by monitoring ATM transactions for the last 3 weeks. I flat out asked him over the phone today. I said, "who did you go to breakfast with this morning?" He said he never went. I kept asking him in a normal tone of voice. FINALLY!!! He admitted and named a single female coworker that is at least 10 years younger than he is. I left it at that. I didn't say anything else. About an hour later he called me back to apologize for lying. He said he got defensive and that he promised to answer any other question I had honestly. I'm thinking we need to talk tonight but I just don't know where to begin.
I am so scared. I feel so hopeless and out of control-which I realize are normal feelings.
BTW we are both 32. I'd appreciate any help or suggestions. Thanks!

Read about the love busters and make sure you DON'T LB him tonight when you have the talk.

If he tells you any bad news, suck it up and thank him for being so honest. Tell him you know how hard it is to be that brave and that you appreciate it immensely.

What are you going to do if he tells you nothing is going on? That they're just friends?

I'd suggest you agree that the M is stale and thus you realize that you need to do something before either of you get into trouble. Ask him if he'll read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" with you.

Let us know how it goes.

Ugh, hang on! Your story started exactly like mine. I have to commend you, though, on staying calm. In the coming months, that will be *the* key to saving your M.

I hope someone will chime in cuz when I confronted FWS, I did everything wrong.

For you, you will need to remember not to yell or scream or make any hasty decisions. #1, do not kick him out of the house -- no matter what he may tell you, #2 -- ask him to stop talking to and seeing this other person, #3 -- tell him that you love him and you know you can rebuild an even better marriage, #4 -- tell him you want to go to a marriage counselor, and #5 -- sign up for Retrouvaille or an MB weekend.

There are other steps to take, but this should get you through tonight. In the meantime, read as much as you can here about Plan A.

BTW, I found out about my FWS' A when our baby was a year old. I know how you are feeling! (hugs)

Well, we talked tonight and he admitted to spending time talking to his coworker. He said that they discussed it going further but he didn't want to jeopardize me and our son. But he seems to think that it's 'ok' that they continue to talk. I explained why it wasn't and that if he was choosing to save our marriage he would need to end it. He says he will but would prefer to do it slowly. He says that it is really going to hurt her. I could have screamed!!!!! I didn't though. Instead, I tried to explain why it was unhealthy and why it needed to end if our marriage was important to him.
He also mentioned that he is really going to miss being able to talk with her as well. I guess this is part of that depression/withdrawl/addiction part, huh? He also mentioned that he may always wonder about the unknown. How it would have turned out if he had made a different decision. I asked him to let me know when he ended it and that we need to go and speak with someone. He totally agreed to it but he mentioned that ending the relationship would not suddenly fix our problems. I agreed with him but explained that we can't work on our problems with her in the picture. I also mentioned that the therapist we see would also probably recommend he end it.
So, here are my questions: Even if he ends it, she will still be working in the same office with him. They will definitely run into each other and so on. How can I be sure that it won't start back up again, especially when he admits that he will miss her and that ending it will hurt her?
Also, he never apologized to me. I ended up asking him if he felt remorseful and he said 'I'm sorry for lying to you'. He doesn't seem to think he had an A because they didn't sleep together. I'm concerned that it won't end because he doesn't view it as an A. Will that come with time? Is it normal for him to feel this way? I wanted to scream at him and tell him he is so selfish and that he is breaking my heart and hurting me and who cares about this girl's feelings!!!
I guess it is going to be a long painful road. I feel so alone and deflated. I never saw this coming. I've been so busy adjusting to our new life with our baby that I didn't see anything wrong with us.
Thanks for your help and if you have any answers I'd appreciate it!

Reallyscared,

Your H may have gone further with her and he may not have. Don't hound him about it but know that's a possibility and be prepared to deal with it if that's he case.

Regardless of whether or not they had sex, it is an affair - but don't try to convince him of that, he's not in any frame of mind to be educated (bossed around and controlled and manipulated, in his view) by you right now.

If he tries to let her go slowly, it will just increase the pain for everyone involved. You will be at your wits end worrying about them, he will be hurting knowing he's going to have to let her go, she'll be hurting... No Contact will have to occur, and better sooner than later.

You did SO GREAT by not screaming at him! I know that was quite difficult but believe me you'd have gained nothing by losing your temper. All that would have done was cause him to think "Gee, I really did marry a b*tch, I think I *would* be happier with someone else..." Good for you!

Yes, he's beginning to realize what it will be like to let her go, and he'll go through withdrawal. You're dead on the money with your assessment of what is going on. Keep meeting his ENs and avoidling LBs. While he's withdrawing from her you won't really be able to deposit any love units - but you can use this time wisely by practicing being a better wife. Also, when he does look back at time spent with you it will all be pleasant. That will give him less opportunity to rewrite history and paint you as the bad guy in his own mind. He will to some extent, because that is a normal coping mechanism... but his rewrite will be pretty flimsy.

Regarding them working together; it is the concensus of most people on this site that they should not work together any longer. I think your best bet right now is to wait it out a while. When your H shows some real desire to work on the M, *then* let him know how it makes you feel, knowing they work together. Ask him to work with you on ways to make you feel secure. Do a POJA. Among the options might be that he finds another job, that he tells his boss and her boss about the A and request that they not be put on any projects together, etc. I don't think he's ready for this type of discussion now, but later.

He can't feel remorseful right now. That will take weeks (at least). Continue thanking him for being honest with you. Let him know that honesty is more important than the betrayal (and it is, SO much more important!).

Instead of FIL, SIL, I think you should ask him to read "After the Affair" with you. If he balks at the title, tell him it is for couples whose marriages have endured an affair or been threatened by one.

You're doing really well. Keep posting.