Like others, I'm new here and am thankful I found this website. It has helped save my sanity. Here then, is my story, Sorry it's so long.

The bottom line is, my wife has been having an affair with another man for about 8 years. I suspected something was amiss, but like a fool, buried my head in the sand and never looked for evidence until it hit me in the head, quite by accident.

She does not deny knowing, or speaking, to this man, but she denies having an affair. (of course, typical behavior, right?)

We are in marriage counselling, the counsellor knows about this issue and is attempting to help us work through it, if possible.

For those of you wanting to know the details, read on...

My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We have one child. Several years ago, she took a new job and established herself as a very knowledgable and capable employee, causing management to assign her new and more challenging work.

Her career is very important to her, and I tried to support her in every way possible, taking our child to school/picking her up, providing the "care and feeding" duties in the evening, etc.

Soon, she was placed on a task-force with several other employee's, some from other offices out of town. The members of this team bonded, and not only did I hear about all the work going on, but also about the members of the task force. During this timeperiod, my wife was working an average of 11 hours a day, and very often was on travel to different parts of the country with the team. (for example, she would be gone about 2 or 3 weeks a month, coming home for weekends). This went on for several years.

Yes, I said years. A typical night at home, when she was in town, was her running in (late) changing clothes to go to the gym and then dashing out. She would come home about 90 minutes later and then sit down at the phone where she would work (on the phone) for another 90 minutes to 2 hours. Then, it was bedtime and the cycle repeated itself the next day...week... etc.

I worked on weekends, leaving home early in the morning and often not getting back until dinner time. So, as you can see, our interaction, our "own" time was almost non-existent.

Eventually, the team bonded so well that they would 'go out for a drink' after work. Wife would call me and ask if that would be o.k. with me and attempting to be supportive, I said sure. She did invite me several times, but who wants to leave a 9 year old alone for that length of time? Not me. Plus we had no one close by to call for a last minute sitter. So, I stayed home, waiting up for her.

She became so deeply obsessed with her job that any discussions we had during this period of time revolved around (1) her job (2) our daughter. Then, slowly at first, growing to more and more commentary, was (3) Howard (not his real name, and a member of this team. Soon, the conversation was job/howard. How great he was, how nice he was, things he enjoyed doing, etc. etc.

Eventually, I tired so much of hearing about Howard, that I asked her, "Are you having an affair with him?" which she denied. Then, I said, "I'm tired of hearing about Howard, I don't want to hear his name any more!" and, I did not.

Fast forward 5 or 6 years (today).

Our marriage was in name only, sharing a child and an address. Conversation was non-existent, strained at best. She worked late, she did "her thing", I did mine. We both withdrew from the marriage. Sex is better thought of as "whats that?" On the day I discovered the evidence of the affair, we had not had sexual relations in 10 months. Why? She kept turning me down and after awhile, it was easier just to go to bed to sleep than anything else. Add to that the fact that the few times we did have relations prior to the 10 months which were very disappointing to both of us, the end result was, "Why bother?"

On Valentines Day '04, she asked what I wanted for V.D. as a present. The only thing I said was, why don't you buy a sexy outfit and wear it for me. She did and she did. The 10 month period was over. The event was not monumental, but, a start is a start. The next weekend, I thought I would try and see if we could keep what little fire we had going, so I went into her lingere drawer with the intent of pulling out the 'present' she bought me. I was going to leave it on the bed so when she came home and changed, she would maybe get the idea....Let me also mention that at this point in time, we had been seeing a marriage counsellor for about a month.

It ended up being a bad idea, for in that bottom drawer of the dresser, I found a present that he had given to her and she kept within that drawer. It was something that was obviously from him, no doubt about it.

I was totally shocked. From there, the evidence just kept building and building. I looked further through her drawer and found sexy-things that I'd never seen before. One of them had obviouslsy been worn because it was stained. I know I had never seen it prior, because it was a teddy, and she always told me she wasn't built right to wear teddy's.

I looked on her cell phone and found his number in the speed dial.

I looked in her e-mail and found several e-mails to and from him, none very damning to be sure.

Then, I got her cellphone bill and 'discovered' 91 telephone calls between the two of them in one month alone.

When confronted with this evidence, she told me they were just "good friends". When asked about the gift, she said he gave her that to thank her for giving him a ride somewhere after work once or twice to drop him off so he could run back to his hotel. (he's a big runner). I asked her where did he change? Answer: in the office. Q: What did he do with his wallet and keys? (after all what man in his right mind is going to leave those in an open office or take them running?) A: (silence)

When I asked her about the stained teddy, she said that she and her best friend traded several pieces because they were bored with what they had.

Regarding the phone calls? She would telephone him beginning at 6:00 in the morning, ending in the early evening. The one's that hurt the most, I dropped her off to pick up her car after seeing our counsellor one night and 2 minutes after I dropped her off, she called him. She then telephoned him again at 6:15 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. the next day (along with several calls from him to her). The sad part of these calls is that the next day we left for a long vacation, just the two of us, to "try and reconnect".

When I discovered these things, I demanded that she cease all contact with him. She never told me she had, or had not. A few weeks later, I confronted her again and asked if she had stopped calling/writing/seeing him, and she responded "I did what I was told".

Folks, she still denies a physical relationship with this man. Yet, they were "friends" for over 8 years. They travelled together. He lives in a different state than we do, so at least there is distance between us.

I know I do not have any hard evidence of a physical affair (unless I did DNA testing on the stain, but I'm not going there). I've asked several women if they've ever traded intimate apprarel with their best friend and I consistently get a funny look from them, followed by a resounding "NO".

Speaking as a man, I don't talk to my best friends (also males) twice a month let alone 91 times!

When I told the counsellor about this in a telephone call, I was told that it could be possible that there was no physical relationship, however, there clearly was an emotional relationship between them. This hurts almost as much as believing a physical relationship existed. While she was pulling away from me, she was growing closer to him. The energy she placed in their relationship is energy lost to ours.

As the counsellor said, no matter what happens (remain married/divorce) the existence of this relationship can never be changed. It is what it is. It's like being a virgin. Once your not, you never are again, forever.

She still has not expressed any kind of remorse for her involvement with him. As I said, her tone, "I did what I was told to do" seems to convey her protection of him and the relationship.

The truly sad part is that we have grown so far apart, that we have nothing in common anymore. There seems to be no middle ground that we can tread. We walk on eggshells, afraid that whatever we say will merely be a catalyst for another argument.

We had a session last night with the counsellor and at least there was no yelling. Last night, I told my wife (and the counsellor) that I'm not sure anymore of what to believe, or what I want. I facilate between wanting to work on the marriage or to just walk away, because it's almost dead as it is. Is it worth attempting to resurect it?

I found a great peace of mind in the information on this website. For MB, I can not express my thanks highly enough. I filled out each of the questionaires, and asked her to do the same, so we could see each others emotional needs and what we were doing to each other in Love Busters. Mine sit, fully completed. She has looked at them, but hasn't had the time to fill them in.

As I sit on the verge of being 50 years old, knowing that our child will be going to college next year (and has said she won't return..ever), I ponder, ever day and night, is my wife someone I'd like to spend the rest of my time with, just the two of us? I haven't answered that question yet.

I'm not going to say this is all her fault. I certainly contributed to these events. My favorite saying these days is that every coin has three sides, front, back and somewhere in the middle is the true value. I accept responsibility for not providing the emotional needs that she looked to Howard for. I do not accept responsibility for her turning to him. That was her choice. She knew it was wrong, yet still is protective of him, and has not expressed any regret. Only, "you are making so much out of nothing."

An 8 year relationship with another man, 1200 miles away, is not "nothing". It is a bond.

Add to that, his "history". He is twice divorced and three times married. He married wife number 2 only 6 months after divorce from wife number 1. He married wife number 3 (current) 7 months after divorcing wife number 2. To me, he had "found" someone new while he was still married, and it is my belief he was hoping my wife would become wife number 4, unless it was just easier to have the affair as they both are married?

That is my story, sorry it is so long. My dilema is how much more, if any, to invest in this marriage? We've already given our daughter a bad example of marriage, so there's no need to work it out for the kids. We both have very good jobs, so financial support is not an issue.

In my mind, it boils down to the emotional needs. Can she meet mine, can I meet hers? Last night our counsellor said that we can never again have a relationship like we had (during the good times). We must now forge a brand new, and completely different relationship. I don't know if I want that anymore. I feel guilty saying that, but, it's the truth....

So, thanks for listening. If anyone has any kinds of words of wisdom, I would appreciate seeing them.

Hello,

What a very sad story. It seems pretty obvious that she has been having an affair on you and putting your health at risk. It also sounds like it has been going on for a very long time. Unfortunately her job really made it virtually impossible to have any type of normal marriage.

It sounds like you are trying with counseling but she refuses to be honest with you. Nobody in their right mind would believe that people exchange stained underwear. It is humiliating to you that she would even say this to you. As long as she refuses to be honest with you and continues contact with this OM then it will be virtually impossible to deal with this.

You seem very unhappy in your marriage and your marriage sounds almost nonexistent. You deserve to have happiness and respect in your life. Both people must be committed to working on a marriage to make it better. If you wife refuses then really what is the point? I wish you the best and I am sorry that your wife refuses to be honest with you. Why does she wish to be married if she has done this to you for so long? Is this OM married? If so why not contact his wife? Maybe you may wish to tell him that are consequences to her actions that you do not wish to be married to a person that refuses to be honest with you. Maybe she needs a wake-up call.

Thank you for the words of support. The OM is married (to wife number 3 and yes, it IS amazing what you can find out about people on the Internet).
I pondered telephoning not only him, but his wife and letting them both know what I know. However, after reading several posts here about that very issue, I decided against it. my wife is already "protecting" him by not being honest with me and if you look at the timelines of his 3 marriage in my post, I think his current wife probably was involved with him during his second marriage (possible reason for that divorce?) and she probably knows his true character and is either in denial or willing to overlook it.
Bottom line? I don't think contacting him or his spouse would get me anything positive.

Appreciate the reply, and yes, I think I do deserve better...

Sorry that you are here. I bet most people who do not know your story would say, "Oh, that happened because you were not meeting her needs". As you may now know, that is a bunch of bologne. Cheating hearts are just that. If there was anyone not meeting needs it was her, but you did not chose to go out and have an affair. In any event, it is frustrating, it makes you mad and tears the core of your values. But, you have to find a way to overcome the rollercoaster ride of emotions to stay healthy and provide a good role model for your children. May God be with you.

Hello again,

I would say you are correct that it would not make any difference contacting the OM's wife. You are also correct that she continues to protect him over you and your marriage by her continued dishonesty.

I am again curious as to why she would wish to remain married? Your sex life has been very limited. Does she wish to stay married for the material benefits of the marriage? Again you deserve to be happy and respected. I am your age so do not be afraid that 50 is some magical number that means you will not found happiness. It simply is not true. Have you thought about sitting her down and explaining what you are feeling and why do you both wish to be married.

Having her having sex with another man and putting your health at risk is unacceptable. It is and has been eating away at the core of your own self-respect. I must say based on your messages it seems that your wife sounds like a classic cakewoman who enjoys the material benefits of a marriage but continues to live and act like a singe woman in her job and her life. If this is indeed the case then let her know that you plan to move on and find someone who really wishes to be in marriage and is committed and respectful to her spouse which sounds like your wife is neither.
You are the captain of your ship. You have a right to be happy and respected. You have choices also and make sure that you wife understand this. I personally would find it very hard to be with a wife who has been in an affiar for 8 years. How would it be possible not to look back at your anniversaires and feeling disgust and anguish knowing now what you know. I wish you luck.